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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 29/07/2021 19:04

I don’t think YABU to be disappointed in her attitude , particularly if you still fund her lifestyle / car etc , no she shouldn’t have to run her life around looking after her siblings but you’ve asked for one favour and that wouldn’t kill her .

cansu · 29/07/2021 19:04

It seems like a load of fuss about nothing. You are away one weekend. Surely there can be a shop done for them. Why is a car necessary? If there was a medical emergency, an ambulance would be called or I assume your teens could phone a taxi??

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:04

Need to have a think about the car. She's expecting to take it to uni. Ds is working away for his gap year working in a school but could do with the car for lessons in the holidays

OP posts:
MonsterKidz · 29/07/2021 19:04

I think it would have shown good family values if she had kept to her word and been around, it would have been nice given the year you have had and to give you the peace of mind of knowing that she was there with an available car for any situation that may come up. I’d be pretty disappointed in her, especially when you pay for the car and she is 22 and living at home. To me family sticks together and no one acts selfishly. I’d be having a word with her about that.

However, I’d also say that the two younger ones will be fine so long as enough food etc.Don’t let it spoil your time away which sounds much deserved.

234Pepperplant · 29/07/2021 19:06

She should do what she said she would. And she should be financing her own car.

But realistically, what “emergencies” are likely to occur? They’ll have food and phones. Leak/fire/power cut/break in doesn’t require a car. Presumably they won’t be doing DIY or anything likely to result in major injury. Medical emergency either needs an ambulance or it can wait long enough for you to come home. I’m assuming if 15 or 18 had an serious illness you would want to know and come back anyway? You’re not that far away and it’s one weekend, I think they’ll be ok regardless.

FallingStar21 · 29/07/2021 19:06

@MrsN100

Yanbu she is just utterly selfish. You asked her in advance didn't ask for much really. She is just absolutely selfish and I would be telling her so.
This 100%.

She's part of the family, knows you've had a tough year and how much you need a holiday, she could chip in a little bit. She's happy for you and her dad to do things for her, but unwilling to do a small favour in return.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2021 19:06

It’s one weekend. We have all made sacrifices in the pandemic and your dd has been partying every weekend prior to this. I’d also be very disappointed that she couldn’t sacrifice a couple of days to her parents…

I don’t see the point of posts stating she didn’t ask to be born or live in the arse end of nowhere. This is her reality. Just like some people are born royal and others live hand to mouth.

Mindymomo · 29/07/2021 19:07

I would feel exactly the same, it wouldn’t hurt her to miss a party so she can be around for whatever reason. I would be having words, that we don’t ask for much, just one weekend we want you to be around.

I have a 25 year old DS who usually puts himself first before others. We were out for a meal recently and I asked if he could order a takeaway for himself and brother, he said he wouldn’t be hungry so wouldn’t do it.

Micemakingclothes · 29/07/2021 19:07

I live in an area with no public transit and no taxis. Nothing is walkable. Cars are an absolute necessity.

There are a plethora of medical events that could require immediate transport that do not raise to the level of ambulance. I would never leave someone for 24 hours without a car in an area like mine. It’s just irresponsible.

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2021 19:07

@Omronron

Need to have a think about the car. She's expecting to take it to uni. Ds is working away for his gap year working in a school but could do with the car for lessons in the holidays
Was this always planned or is it in retaliation? Will the same conditions be placed on your 18 yo re the being at home for the 15 yo if you go away again, and will they.lose the car when next child wants it?
Hillary17 · 29/07/2021 19:08

Sorry but yes, YABU. Make sure they have some food and they’ll be fine, unlikely to have an emergency. She’s 22 and doesn’t want that responsibility which is understandable.

8monthsinandcranky · 29/07/2021 19:09

I hate posts like this as it feels like a pile on for no reason Hmm

It’s pretty simple OP

The 15 and 18 yo will probably be fine but YANBU to ask your adult DD who is living with you for free and having her car paid for by you to spend one weekend doing you a favour!!!!

^ repeat this indefinitely to yourself. A lot of posters are just focusing on whether a 15yo and 18yo are able to be left alone and tbh that’s pretty beside the point, you asked her for a favour and she’s behaved pretty selfishly.

I would personally stop providing her with such a cushy life OP.
I’m late 20’s with a lovely DH, two gorgeous kids, good job and nice home. My DM is honestly my best friend. I cringed reading this as she would never have stood for that kinda behaviour when I was 22 Hmm

MirandaMarple · 29/07/2021 19:10

She's not her sibling's babysitter.

Like others have said, get a shop in and hopefully there won't be an emergency.

Nocutenamesleft · 29/07/2021 19:10

@frazzledasarock

I don’t think you are unreasonable it’s one weekend and you pay for the car.

I’d tell her if that’s her choice she’s paying for the car from this point.

And I’d do it.

I’ve left my older teens in charge of the house whilst I’ve been away and even if my eldest had a better offer she’d not walk out on her younger siblings.

I agree with this personally

It’s only 24 hrs. She agreed to do it. So needs to learn that if she agrees. To stick to it.
I’m sure they’ll be ok. But she’s agreed to it. There’s a moral in there surely Wink

Moulesvinrouge1 · 29/07/2021 19:11

I really feel for you OP, like you said it all likelihood all will be fine but it was unkind if her to promise to help then bail on you because she got a better offer. At 22 I was paying rent, working full time with no help from parents, paying off student debt and was totally independent. I know things are harder now for young people but this isn’t about that is it, it’s having no sense of sticking to her word or being part of a family and occasionally being responsible for others. There’s no give and take. Is there anyone else who could sit with them if you felt really uncomfortable?

Viviennemary · 29/07/2021 19:11

I think they will be fine. But I might think twice about subsidising the car in future. Plenty of people dont drive.

diddl · 29/07/2021 19:13

@MirandaMarple

She's not her sibling's babysitter.

Like others have said, get a shop in and hopefully there won't be an emergency.

I think that's it isn't it?

Have to stay put with the car "just in case" by default makes her responsible for the house & the younger ones.

bogoffmda · 29/07/2021 19:15

If she had said no from the start fair enough - but to say yes and then change her mind - piss poor behaviour.

She had an opportunity to decline and did not

NumberTheory · 29/07/2021 19:16

I think your 18 and 15 year old can survive for a weekend without a car and there’s no good reason you shouldn’t be able to relax on holiday..

But I don’t think it was an unreasonable request, given what you do for your daughter, to ask her to be around to make her siblings lives easier for one weekend.

I would be inclined, as other posters have suggested, to tell her she can cover her own expenses from now on, or if you’re covering a lot more than the car, at least ease back on what you do pay for. Though the reasonableness of this may depend on how your treat her siblings too.

Trisolaris · 29/07/2021 19:16

Yeah, I wouldn’t be subsidising the car any more! I grew up rurally and my parents paid for insurance, driving lessons and petrol to get to school and uni. They felt it was necessary for independence. We paid for extra petrol for socialising. In return we gave them lifts on the (rare) occasion they asked for it. I would never have dreamed of reneging on something like this because I understood that it was a privilege not a right.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:16

Thanks to all those who understand about the reality of living rurally! She has had a very nice life benefiting from us living rurally BTW to all those saying she didn't ask to be born here - our business is reliant on us being rural shame it may not last longer. I would have normally bought ds his own car but not sure we'll be able to afford it. He'll earn plenty in his gap year so dh says we should ask dd to buy her car off us

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/07/2021 19:16

I think YANBU. You pay for the car. You asked her to help you out for one weekend in the past however many years. She is clearly very unused to being asked to help out as she comes across as completely selfish.

I wouldn't be livid, I'd be disappointed.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/07/2021 19:18

She’s thoughtless and self-centred to go back on her word. She was asked, she promised - and now she’s letting you down. That’s selfish and immature. I’m sure there are plenty of parties at uni. It’s not like she’s be missing anything special.

I agree on making her pay for the car. She sounds spoilt and selfish.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:18

Then ds can buy his

OP posts:
Marshmallow44 · 29/07/2021 19:18

It’s not the fact that the younger 2 will be fine, it’s the fact that she’s been very selfish. 22 is old enough to have some respect towards your parents and help them out just once.

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