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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 29/07/2021 19:19

It's annoying she didn't listen to your request but not worth being livid over. The younger ones will be fine I'm sure

Marshmallow44 · 29/07/2021 19:19

I wouldn’t pay for her car at 22, she can get a job like most of us had to.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/07/2021 19:19
  1. Your kids don't need her to look after them.
  2. You should not be paying for her car. She sounds like a spoiled brat - a little worrying if she's 22.
diddl · 29/07/2021 19:20

Of course she should have said no straight away.

I get the feeling that that wasn't an option though so she has done this instead.

thegcatsmother · 29/07/2021 19:20

YANBU. I'd be livid too, and the car would not be going to university.

godmum56 · 29/07/2021 19:21

if she couldn't drive either, would you have not gone?

Nocutenamesleft · 29/07/2021 19:22

@Omronron

Need to have a think about the car. She's expecting to take it to uni. Ds is working away for his gap year working in a school but could do with the car for lessons in the holidays
What?!?

No way. Unless you can afford to buy them all their own car and fund it?

Do you pay for tax? Insurance? Petrol? Repairs?

Gemi33 · 29/07/2021 19:24

Why did you have to beg her? Did she have the option to say no? As someone else said, she's an adult so if you'd asked her then she has the right to say no so it was more of a case that she felt forced or pressured into it then I think YABU - she may not have wanted to do it in the first place and that's fair enough.

CovidDoesNotExistDuh · 29/07/2021 19:24

She as an adult agreed to it and she's backed out ... yeah I'd be pissed

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:25

@godmum56

if she couldn't drive either, would you have not gone?
But she can Confused
OP posts:
PerhapsCarriageGreen · 29/07/2021 19:25

I'd be really disappointed in her tbh, and hurt. I'd feel let down and I'd be having another look at how much I funded her. I also know that I'd not kick up any more of a fuss. I'd just be really pissed off.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:25

Pay for tax insurance and repairs and occasional petrol!

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 19:26

I know that sounds harsh, but did you genuinely think about your parents in that way at her age?

Jesus, people have low expectations of their young adult children.

When I was this age and younger at uni my parents had to go away a few times for work including over a weekend. When I could I went home to stay with my young adult brothers who were similar ages to OP’s, just because it put my mum’s mind a little more at rest to have someone who could drive as we lived rurally with no public transport. Did I have better offers, or things that I’d rather have been doing? Sure, but my parents asked a fairly simple favour, and so I did it.

The question of whether the 15 and 18 year olds are fine by themselves is kind of irrelevant (though I’m loving all the ‘they could just call an ambulance’ posts, totally at odds with all the recent threads with posters being berated for expecting an ambulance inside of 12 hours and telling them that if they don’t drive they should always have alternative hospital transport).

This girl is an adult, she gets a very generous run from her parents despite the fact their business is struggling, and she can’t be arsed to help her parents out for a single night? It doesn’t matter whether it was absolutely vital or not. They asked her for a favour that was important to them, and she’s behaved really badly over it.

Treating family with such disdain shouldn’t just be what’s expected of people in their early 20s.

Batsy · 29/07/2021 19:26

DS's will be ok. Does DS18 have a friend who drives who could come and stay overnight if you're really bothered? Or do you have a friend/neighbour that'd agree to be 'on call' in an emergency?

As for DD.. i think she's being extremely selfish to have agreed to do this, then changed her mind because of FOMO in her social life.

I would be reassessing how much you support her. Is the car legally yours, you pay for insurance/tax/mot and she just drives it?

If thats the case, i'd be telling her if she's going to renege on her agreements, then she can pay for it all by herself. At 22, yes my parents bought me a car, but that was as far as it went, i had to fund the rest of it... fuel, tax, insurance....etc... and i was expected to be on hand to help out if mom needed driving anywhere when dad was away working.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:27

@PerhapsCarriageGreen

I'd be really disappointed in her tbh, and hurt. I'd feel let down and I'd be having another look at how much I funded her. I also know that I'd not kick up any more of a fuss. I'd just be really pissed off.
Yes this is exactly how I feel

I said oh come on dd, me and dad are really looking forward to this and you've been partying for weeks now!

She said but that's what students do

🙄

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 29/07/2021 19:28

I’d be disappointed. It is selfish. She agreed and now she’s backed out. It will impact your much needed weekend away as you will be worrying more about other 2. All the things you do for adult her (paying car) and she can’t do one thing for you. I’d say or message the above to her.
Unless the car was a specific gift to her I’d re think it especially if money tight.

Nocutenamesleft · 29/07/2021 19:28

At 22. I was living in America on my own

I paid $3000 a month in rent. Expenses in the part of America I was in were atrocious! I was working constantly.

Even at the age of 18 (back in 1997). I was paying £300 a month rent!

I didn’t get anything for free.

It gave me really good standing when I had to go off into the big wide world due to the fact I’d be doing it on my own for years. I think people forget that there are good lessons to be learnt from standing on your own 2 feet.

Yes it was hard sometimes. Yes I’ve got some funny stories now! But it built me for actual life. As such.

diddl · 29/07/2021 19:29

"I said oh come on dd, me and dad are really looking forward to this"

So you going was always dependent on her staying?

Miliao · 29/07/2021 19:29

I’m not sure what you and your husband are concerned about regarding the car? What emergency would require a car, but not an ambulance or police? Your eldest daughter could be the one who is injured and then who would drive? I was left alone with my brother around the same age as your youngest and we had a whale of a time, no car at all and it was five days! I also looked after two young children at 18 for a week, in the middle of nowhere without a car and one bus a day! I think you’re being a bit melodramatic, they’ll have a blast and probably can’t wait for you to go!

JassyRadlett · 29/07/2021 19:30

She said but that's what students do.

Students also have to rely on public transport, generally.

Nocutenamesleft · 29/07/2021 19:30

@Omronron

Pay for tax insurance and repairs and occasional petrol!
So what if you’re business fails and you can’t do that for all 3?

Will they resent that?

I think you really need to sit down and think about this.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 19:30

@diddl

"I said oh come on dd, me and dad are really looking forward to this"

So you going was always dependent on her staying?

We did plan it knowing that she'd be here and had a car, yes.

I can't emphasise enough how rural we are 🤣

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 29/07/2021 19:35

I think she's being incredibly immature & selfish!

Whilst I don't think the other two need her there, or to have a driver & car on hand, you've asked her to be there so you can relax and enjoy yours weekend away, it's NOT a lot to ask (irrespective of whether you pay for her car, fund her lifestyle or not). Also, she's old enough to appreciate the crap time you've had and step up! She needs to grow up.

Separate issue, but...
Did you give her the car or allow her to use it?

diddl · 29/07/2021 19:35

If only she had just said in the first place that she didn't want to have to be responsible for her siblings for a weekend!

I do think she is very wrong to have sad yes & now be saying no.

I do feel that she felt she had to say yes.

garlictwist · 29/07/2021 19:35

I don't see the issue? I haven't had a car for 10 days as I have loaned it to a friend. I just have planned my life in such a way that I haven't needed it. I am sure that they will survive for a weekend.

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