To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

[Omronron]

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

[PepperPrig]

That's coercion, btw.

You may think it's justified, and sometimes it is, but I can't see how posters coming to that conclusion are projecting in the basis of the OP.

[thegcatsmother]

Pepperprig I suppose then it's coercion and guilt tripping when I 'persuade' ds to empty the bin he has filled to overflowing, or to cook a meal as I am tired after work? Kidults have to learn that families are about team work, and sometimes that means them pulling their weight to help out without moaning about it as a quid pro quo for all the benefits of living in a comfortable family home.

[PepperPrig]

All adults living together in any scenario are equally responsible for household chores for obvious reasons (they make part of the work that needs clearing up and benefit from living in a clean, tidy house). It is not someone else's job to clear up after you. That is a basic lesson for life.

It is not the case that all adults living together are responsible for the children one or two of them choose to have. What the OP is asking is for a favour - i.e. for one of the household to take on a job that is emphatically not their responsibility. You can always be a bit put out that someone refuses to do you a favour, particularly if you feel you have done then favours in the past, and decide not to do so in the future. Personally I don't think that normal parenting behaviour constitutes a favour to your children - I think it's your responsibility - so if you're weighing that in the balance of favours, I think your maths is off. But be that as it may, you certainly shouldn't be guilting, coercing or pressuring other people - family or otherwise - to take on your responsibilities when they clearly don't want to.

That's my take on it, I'm afraid.

[thegcatsmother]

How old are your kids? Mine is 25, and yes, I do have to 'persuade' him at times to do things; but then he wouldn't make it the office without me driving in each day as hasn't chosen to get off his butt and learn as yet. Quid pro quo.

[thegcatsmother]

....and given MN seems to think your kids should be out the door at 18, then I'd say the OPs daughter is an ungrateful little madam.

[Poppop4]

I’d be more annoyed that she agreed and has since changed her mind.
She doesn’t have to stay home and if she didn’t want to she shouldn’t have agreed. It’s unfair to let you down.
However the others will be fine, make sure there’s plenty of food in before you go