To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

[Omronron]

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

[Poppop4]

I’d be more annoyed that she agreed and has since changed her mind.
She doesn’t have to stay home and if she didn’t want to she shouldn’t have agreed. It’s unfair to let you down.
However the others will be fine, make sure there’s plenty of food in before you go

[thegcatsmother]

....and given MN seems to think your kids should be out the door at 18, then I'd say the OPs daughter is an ungrateful little madam.

[thegcatsmother]

How old are your kids? Mine is 25, and yes, I do have to 'persuade' him at times to do things; but then he wouldn't make it the office without me driving in each day as hasn't chosen to get off his butt and learn as yet. Quid pro quo.

[PepperPrig]

All adults living together in any scenario are equally responsible for household chores for obvious reasons (they make part of the work that needs clearing up and benefit from living in a clean, tidy house). It is not someone else's job to clear up after you. That is a basic lesson for life.

It is not the case that all adults living together are responsible for the children one or two of them choose to have. What the OP is asking is for a favour - i.e. for one of the household to take on a job that is emphatically not their responsibility. You can always be a bit put out that someone refuses to do you a favour, particularly if you feel you have done then favours in the past, and decide not to do so in the future. Personally I don't think that normal parenting behaviour constitutes a favour to your children - I think it's your responsibility - so if you're weighing that in the balance of favours, I think your maths is off. But be that as it may, you certainly shouldn't be guilting, coercing or pressuring other people - family or otherwise - to take on your responsibilities when they clearly don't want to.

That's my take on it, I'm afraid.

[thegcatsmother]

Pepperprig I suppose then it's coercion and guilt tripping when I 'persuade' ds to empty the bin he has filled to overflowing, or to cook a meal as I am tired after work? Kidults have to learn that families are about team work, and sometimes that means them pulling their weight to help out without moaning about it as a quid pro quo for all the benefits of living in a comfortable family home.

[PepperPrig]

That's coercion, btw.

You may think it's justified, and sometimes it is, but I can't see how posters coming to that conclusion are projecting in the basis of the OP.

[PepperPrig]

From the OP: "She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it"

How do you think they got from reluctance to begging to reluctant agreement?

I would say the most likely routes were guilt, passive aggression and threats to remove things.

[Robin233]

I hope op you’re having a wonderful time.
I totally agreed with you and one weekend away is hardly excessive

[PepperPrig]

I bet she does. She also shouldn't be "begging" or pushing it when her parents, or other family member says no to whatever her request is. It's asking for a 'favour', not cashing in a right.

I agree that an ideal family relationship is one where you happily put yourselves out for each other from time to time, and the consequences of one party not doing so is likely to be that the other is less inclined to do so the other way around. Fair enough.

I don't agree that parents are owed a debt by their children for bringing them up or providing them with normal parental things that means they are "owed" favours on account of those things, which seems to be the OP's attitude.

[Marshmallow44]

The posts suggesting the OP has coerced and manipulated her daughter into this are really something else, massively projecting.

[Marshmallow44]

She sounds like a selfish, entitled brat tbh. 22 is old enough to know better, she’s not 15.

[Marshmallow44]

But I bet the DD asks all sorts of favours from her parents? Including expecting to live rent free and a fully paid for car?

[PepperPrig]

Yes of course you can ask your children for favours. But practically "begging" then to do it (which, I'm afraid I suspect means "guilted, threatened and cajoled") is something else. I wouldn't "beg" any other family members to do me this sort of favour in the first place of they were clearly reluctant. It's embarrassingly rude and most would agree pretty entitled. The difference with children seems to be that some parents seem to have a sense that children owe them something for being parented.

I've agreed that it's bad form from anyone to agree then back out but it sounds like the DD was cornered and I have some sympathy for that as I would with anyone pressured by another family member to perform a weekend-long favour, entirely benefiting the other party, that they didn't want to.

[Marshmallow44]

I guess you never ask your children for a favour, ever then? Because why should they, right?

[Marshmallow44]

Can’t believe some of these posts. I think OP knows that the two younger siblings are not the responsibility of the eldest!! It’s not like she constantly asks for babysitting, the point is that she asked one favour from her daughter and she can’t even commit to that.
I have a much younger brother, my parents occasionally asked if I could babysit and I did because I’m not a dick and I like to help my family out, not because he’s ‘not my responsibility’ good grief.

[PepperPrig]

I'm sorry but there is a difference between teaching your children give and take and expecting to use them as free childcare.

Your older children have presumably chosen not to be young parents; they can enjoy an unencumbered youth like their only-child peers. They are not responsible for your decision to have children and more than your own parents are, or your siblings or any other member of your family. Your other children have no more obligation to provide childcare than those other members of your family. If you'd be embarrassed to make a particular demand or request of your father or sister, don't make it of your older child.

The things that you do for your children (even as young adults) such a feed and house then are done because you are their parent and they are your child whom you are out have recently been responsible for. They do not "owe" you for those things. Extras like paying for newly adult children's cars are either done as outright gifts or the quid pro quo expectations laid out upfront.

As I've said, her agreeing and backing out is annoying as it would be from any other person who's made a commitment and reneged, but I do wonder how much of the "after everything we've done for you!" was wheeled out to get her to agree in the first place. Maybe none. Maybe lots.

[MiamiBeach104]

I grew up under similar circumstances and cooked my own meals and was just fine. I think your DS will survive perfectly well

I agree it's not very nice of DD to agree first and then change her mind. I would just have honest conversation with her. Not emotional or blaming but just straight forward.

Enjoy your weekend away

[thegcatsmother]

Somarefuser Brilliant!!

I expect the DD will expect her parents to fund her at university as well. Seems to me she expects a lot and gives nothing in return.

[Erwhatno]

Although I don’t think she’s needed,
I’d be disappointed and hurt too op.

[wasgoingmadinthecountry]

I don't think the dd is unreasonable - she's not the parent and the others aren't young - but maybe it's easy for me to say this. Mine always excel and look out for each other - they've just always been like that.

[Boomclaps]

I live in devon in the arse end of nowhere, and when I was 18/19 my parents left me for three weeks with Dsis who’s 5 years younger than me, and I couldn’t drive. We were absolutely fine. I went to M&S with a big rucksack after college and got a taxi from the train station instead of walking the 3 miles, and then mum and dad did us an Ocado delivery for day 12.

I’m only mid 20’s now as well I’m not talking about this happening yonks ago.

It was fab
Just relax

[GlencoraP]

@wasgoingmadinthecountry

Somarefuser I have 4 children - 27, 25, 24 and 17. Stuff like this happens. After a pandemic, living in the sticks, a party is a rare event. The others will be fine and at least she owned up rather than just going off. It's not the job f the older children to parent.

Left mine way way younger than this and took the only driver to NY. They had the phone no of a proper adult to phone ICE. Guess what? No emergency!

Apparently she’s just come back from three days at a festival and has as a PP pointed out been patting all summer , so not a rare event at all

[LizzieW1969]

I would be upset that she accepted but didn't do it.

^This is the crux of it, I think. Your DD agreed to be there for the weekend and then let you down. Yes, she’s selfish, no question. Regardless of whether or not the 18 and 15 year old will be okay on their own.

[LammasFires]

@wasgoingmadinthecountry

Somarefuser I have 4 children - 27, 25, 24 and 17. Stuff like this happens. After a pandemic, living in the sticks, a party is a rare event. The others will be fine and at least she owned up rather than just going off. It's not the job f the older children to parent.

Left mine way way younger than this and took the only driver to NY. They had the phone no of a proper adult to phone ICE. Guess what? No emergency!

Did you miss the part where she’s been partying through?
It’s not a rare event. It’s one of a number of gatherings she’s participated in.

[Starseeking]

You're not unreasonable to have asked her this one favour so you and your DH could have your first weekend away in 22 years.

Your DD is being unreasonable to have agreed to stay at home, then reneged when a better offer came along.

You are being unreasonable to continue paying for her car when she is being so selfish; I bet you've never asked her for anything else. If I were you, I'd stop paying for her car pronto.