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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 29/07/2021 18:25

I think you’re right in that you can’t force her to stay with her siblings and it’s not ideal for her to be there when she wants to be at the party as she’ll just be grumpy throughout.
Both children will be fine based on their ages really.
However, I’ll definitely stop paying for her car because she’s selfish and self centred. I won’t be putting up with that when she can’t even think about anyone except herself

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 29/07/2021 18:25

I think if you didn’t want the 18 and 15yo left alone that would be reasonable but the car thing makes no sense. They won’t need a car? As long as they have food? Do you never go more than 24 hours without a shop?
But I do think your dd is being unreasonable and selfish. The car is a silly reason though, maybe if you had said you wanted her there as she’s older she might have said no to the party.

IcedSpice · 29/07/2021 18:26

@GravityFalls

You can’t really expect her to plan her life around you and her brothers. I would imagine if you live rurally, surely the 18yo has friends with cars in an emergency and they will both have friends with parents they could contact if need be. Country kids usually do find ways of getting around and are usually prepared to walk/cycle long distances if they have to!
Hardly planning her life around op, it's ONE WEEKEND

I'd be furious, and probably stop paying for her car

altiara · 29/07/2021 18:26

Can she leave the car for the 18 year old seeing as it’s you pay for it?

SixesAndEights · 29/07/2021 18:27

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Why didn't you just ask her adult to adult and when she said no just leave it? She didn't want to do it and probably sees no point in doing it. I wouldn't either to be honest.

Your 18 and 15 year old will be fine. If there's an emergency they can call an ambulance, fire brigade, police, etc.

YABU.

cadburyegg · 29/07/2021 18:27

I think YABU because it sounds to me like you were expecting her to look out for her younger siblings and taking it for granted rather than having a proper conversation about it in advance of booking. I don’t think siblings should be expected to “babysit” unless they are happy to.

thefirstmrsrochester · 29/07/2021 18:27

Whilst I don’t think dc 15 and 18 years of age need babysat, I’d be annoyed too OP considering you asked her, she agreed and has now gone back on her word. It’s not a lot to ask, and after all, you pay for her car.

newnameswhothis · 29/07/2021 18:30

The crux of it is you asked your daughter to do you a favour she agreed and is now retracting her agreement at the 11th hour

I would be livid too

ahoyshipmates · 29/07/2021 18:30

@altiara

Can she leave the car for the 18 year old seeing as it’s you pay for it?
He hasn't passed his test.
GlutenFreeGingerCake · 29/07/2021 18:32

I think she's being selfish, you asked for a one off favour, it's not a regular thing. She agreed and should stick to it. In a way it doesn't matter whether what you asked her to do is 100% necessary it's more that it's not that unreasonable a request as a one off thing and as she is living at home and you are doing things for her, like paying for her car, she should occasionally help you out.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2021 18:32

YABU. It’s not her or the 18 year olds responsibility to look after the younger one.
Maybe they wanted to go away too if there haven’t been any holidays for a few years rather than being the default childcare,

CoolCatTaco · 29/07/2021 18:33

You don't really need her to be there...but the fact that she won't do it for you is a very poor reflection on her. Especially when you're paying for her car & giving her money. She sounds selfish & ungrateful.

Joolsin · 29/07/2021 18:34

I can't believe anyone thinks you are being unreasonable. She is massively out of order. I have similar aged kids and, while my DD might grumble a little bit at missing a party, she would absolutely stay home like this if I asked her. Your DD is being horribly selfish in any case, but adding the facts that you pay for her car, she's been hectically socialising for weeks anyway, and you haven't been away for 22 years, I think she's completely taking the piss and I'd be very, very upset if I were you.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 29/07/2021 18:34

As she has reviewed her options for the "on call" weekend I'd be reviewing mine re her usage of YOUR car.....

Presumably the 18 year old is looking to have lessons and will need the car, that you pay for , she can buy you out, or get her own transport. And good luck spending every weekend getting shitfaced when you have a car to pay for.

GenderAKAStereotypes · 29/07/2021 18:35

Presumably it was yours and DH's decision, not your 22yr olds to live in the middle of a moor?

I genuinely don't understand why a 15 and an 18 year old cannot be left alone for 24 hours.

AnyOldLion · 29/07/2021 18:36

Surely your 18 year old can handle any emergency?

Many 18 year olds already live away from home/at uni.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 29/07/2021 18:36

I think she is being really selfish

itsgettingwierd · 29/07/2021 18:36

Yanbu.

And I'd be very concerned she plans to get shitfaced and then drive home the following day. I suspect she'll still be over the limit.

Let her go to the party. Do not let her take your car to get there and risk her drink driving home in it again.

Dobbyafreeelf · 29/07/2021 18:39

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

YABU. It’s not her or the 18 year olds responsibility to look after the younger one. Maybe they wanted to go away too if there haven’t been any holidays for a few years rather than being the default childcare,
@IceCreamAndCandyfloss you are spectacularly missing the point! She is going back on something she agreed to do. She is getting a massive privilege of using a car her parents are paying for. And expecting to still have that privilege despite going back on her word @Omronron I would remove her car keys and take them with you. She can go to her party but she will have to find her own transport!
ForeverSinging · 29/07/2021 18:39

We can all conclude that your younger children can manage but I think her attitude stinks. She's coming across as really disrespectful, especially as you're paying for her car.

Manista · 29/07/2021 18:39

I'd be remembering this next time she wants a favour... possibly the first one is that she no longer gets to use the car for the weekend. However I think the other two will be fine. Get them plenty of nice food in. They have phones and are old enough to deal with emergencies.

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2021 18:41

Are your 18 and 15 yo likely to take the piss?
"You need to be here in case we want or need anything outside of the house"
How is their relationship? How is yours with her? Lots of name calling of and suggestions of punishment which you've not actually refuted any of @omronron is she horrible, selfish and self centered generally?

Micemakingclothes · 29/07/2021 18:46

If you pay for her car, at the very least, you could take it away for that weekend.

But yes, if she still lives in your house and you are subsidizing her life, you get a say in what she does.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/07/2021 18:47

I was 16 or 17 and working full time when my mum decided to go away for a week with my younger sister. Initially she was happy for me to stay alone, but then changed her mind (more worried about me throwing a party than an emergency I think!) and enrolled my Grandma to "look after me" for the week. I didn't mind, I loved my Grandma dearly.

2 days into the week my Grandma made an emergency call to me at work, she'd managed to literally set the oven on fire and all the smoke alarms were going off. WHO'S LOOKING AFTER WHO? 😂

Anyway I voted YABU, yes it's annoying that she originally said she would but given the past 18ish months what 22yr old wouldn't leap at the chance of a party?

Thehillsarelonely · 29/07/2021 18:47

We left our non driving rural living older teens for 18 days and travelled to the other side of the world they had a great time as did we.
Most of the time we were contactable by phone also do you have neighbours? Ours knew that they could go to them for help in the event of an "emergency" and lets face it the most likely "emergency" is something going wrong with the house e.g. a massive water leak.

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