Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 29/07/2021 18:11

Yes I tend to agree that she'd agreed to help you out so ought to honour that but it does seem a bit like you need her to babysit and hang around in case they absolutely need to get to a shop. Get the younger two to write a shopping list of what they need for the weekend and make sure you've got a well stocked first aid kit/paracetamol etc. I can't imagine anything would be so desperate they will absolutely have to go to a shop or it will be critical.
Do you have a neighbour or family nearby who they could call on if something very important came up? Enjoy your weekend away!

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2021 18:12

Why is it different? Why do you need someone to be responsible for you at 15 in the middle of the country and not in the middle of the town? In terms of getting into trouble, I think they’re probably less likely to do so if they can’t get anywhere?

CrazyNeighbour · 29/07/2021 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:13

I think the reason it's upset me is that she knows what a shite couple of years we've had and that I was (am!) excited about the weekend away. Haven't been away with just dh for 22 years. It would have been lovely if she'd been nice about it. But I suppose you can't control how others think (it's annoying that we give her money and pay for her car though!)

OP posts:
Fitschkels · 29/07/2021 18:13

I think it’s really selfish to let you down when she said she’d do it, and she would not be getting another penny from me for the car.

MuthaHubbard · 29/07/2021 18:14

I didn't drive until my 30s so I don't really understand the need for someone to be around with a car? Many an 18yr old single parent with baby too so again, can't see any issue with your eldest doing as she pleases

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 29/07/2021 18:14

I don't think it's unreasonable, I hate when people say they'll do something but then refuse to do it. That would piss me off.

But I too live rurally and don't have a car. There are ways of getting around if need be. Friends have cars, friends parents have cars. Neighbours have cars if it's an absolute emergency. There's also ambulances if it's a medical emergency.

Make sure they've got food in, also your DD could take them to the shop saturday morning if they need anything.

AdultHumanWhale · 29/07/2021 18:14

Surely your younger DC just need a full fridge, and their older sisters phone number... at that age she can be 'on-call' without needing to be physically present.

Candlesinthewind · 29/07/2021 18:14

YNBU. Personally I think it is a big deal. It isn’t just the car is it? It’s having a older young adult in the house whilst you’re away and the fact that this was an opportunity for her to do something for you and DH. She agreed to do it and changing her mind now is letting you down. You can’t make her do it but you can hold a mirror up to her behaviour. If you weren’t paying for the car she wouldn’t have one.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/07/2021 18:14

And yes, maybe remind her of this next time she wants a favour!

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:15

Also she has literally spent the last 6 weeks going to fecking parties/on holiday with her bf! You'd think she could sack off ONE weekend of getting shit faced.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:15

@AdultHumanWhale

Surely your younger DC just need a full fridge, and their older sisters phone number... at that age she can be 'on-call' without needing to be physically present.
Except she'll be off her head at a party 3 hours drive away! Dh and I will be nearer!
OP posts:
WheyHey · 29/07/2021 18:17

I don't even think its the car thing. Its the fact that she knows how much this would mean to you to have peace of mind and she has gone back on her word
stop paying for her car and let her see that consideration works both ways

WimpoleHat · 29/07/2021 18:17

She also has a car that we pay for.

She wouldn’t have a car that I paid for thereafter…. You asked her to help and she agreed - because she has said car which you pay for. She should stick to her side of the bargain.

billy1966 · 29/07/2021 18:17

I have children that age.

I think she is being TOTALLY unreasonable.

I wouldn't accept her backing out of the arrangement last minute, I would SO pissed off that she is causing upset just before the weekend and I would be telling her that there will be consequences.

She is very very selfish to spoil the one weekend her parents are having away.

I have a son the same age that can be a bit self absorbed, but lord he wouldn't dream of doing that.

I think your husband is correct to be livid.

She sounds selfish and spoiled.

I would be totally rethinking a car for someone like that.

Has she ANY idea how hard ye have been working to keep everything afloat?

Total bratty madam behaviour that I sure as shit would NOT be financing.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/07/2021 18:17
  1. The 22yo didnt choose to have kids or for you to live in the arse end of nowhere
  1. An 18yo and 15yo will be perfectly fine with a fridge full of food for two nights
user1470132907 · 29/07/2021 18:17

To the people saying they could get a taxi, these can be an absolute nightmare to arrange in very rural areas; also very unreliable. And the wait for an ambulance could also be very long compared to getting in the car and going. YANBU given you pay for it

AzureTwist · 29/07/2021 18:17

Enjoy your lovely weekend away.
A food shop before you go and a telephone in the house and the other dc are sorted.

I would, however, consider after the weekend when your 22yr old is financially independent - if you find the car for her to go to parties and give her money to have holidays and parties and get drunk, perhaps the time has come to stop funding that lifestyle?

Save the money into an account for the other 2, so they have equal amount spent on them in case you have no jobs/business?

plodalong12 · 29/07/2021 18:17

YABU. I wouldn’t sack off a party because my 18 and 15 year old siblings might, on the off chance, need me there to drive them to the shop on that evening. Just go shopping beforehand, problem solved.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/07/2021 18:19

DP grew up on the middle of a moor.

Your two will be absolutely fine without a sulky person with a car, who would likely get in it and drive off the instant you left in any case.

They'll have food, they are capable of not burning the house down, an adult at 18 and a teenager are capable of surviving for a weekend without their sister.

(and in any case, cities provide far more opportunities for mischief than moorland villages - it doesn't completely remove chances for stupidity lock up your alcohol but they'll be fine).

Original poster
Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:19

@user1470132907

To the people saying they could get a taxi, these can be an absolute nightmare to arrange in very rural areas; also very unreliable. And the wait for an ambulance could also be very long compared to getting in the car and going. YANBU given you pay for it
Taxis are almost non existent!
OP posts:
YoTheGinPussyOfThigh · 29/07/2021 18:20

Could be worse, she could have not told you and just gone to the party.

Bibbetybobbity · 29/07/2021 18:21

I think you’re projecting a bit. It’s presumably not your dd’s fault that you live somewhere so remote, or that you’ve had a tough few years. I know that sounds harsh, but did you genuinely think about your parents in that way at her age? She should go to her party and you should enjoy your weekend away. It would be different if the siblings were younger and there was an absolute requirement for someone to care for them, but there isn’t really…

Twoforthree · 29/07/2021 18:23

You have an 18 year old. More than old enough to leave alone with the younger one, with plenty of food.

Uyli · 29/07/2021 18:25

Some pizzas in the freezer, in a medical emergency they could ring an ambulance (same as if it was her injured or ill and couldn't drive.)
Its not great that she agreed to it and backed out, but realistically nothing will happen that two older teens couldn't deal with, with their phone.