To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

[Omronron]

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

[Hollyhead]

I think this isn't about whether the 18 and 15 yo will be ok (they will) but more that you asked her for what was a reasonable favour and she has let you down, and for that YANBU - it's not like it's a regular event. I wouldn't expect a 22 year old to be so selfish, it's 17 year old behaviour.

I would say you want her to start contributing to the car costs.

[Pissinthepottyplease]

It’s a weekend. Do you normally food shopping every day? Just buy enough food for 3 days then he will have enough for the weekend plus some more.

[Howshouldibehave]

I’d be really pissed off. In fact, the minute she started being ‘reluctant’ about it, we’d be having a serious talk about how you still paying for her car at 22 means she needs to do some small favours in return! I was a functioning adult at that age-paying for my own car, own house, professional job etc and would still have looked after a younger sibling for a weekend if my parents had asked!

[HollowTalk]

I think she's being awful, tbh. I wouldn't be giving her money for petrol now.

[NewlyGranny]

It's about your peace of mind, though! Probably nothing will happen, but you'll have a niggling anxiety that will take the edge off your pleasure.

If she were funding her own car, I'd shrug it off and put up with the niggle, but you're doing her a massive and continuing favour and she won't reciprocate!

Scale back on what you do for her a bit; she's at risk of being spoilt and entitled.

[diddl]

I think that she shouldn't have said yes & then change her mind.

I don't think she should have to be waiting around just in case someone wants to go to the shop though!

I'm guessing that there are no neighbours to help in an emergency?

What if the emergency happened to the 22yr old?

[WetWeekends]

@CupoTeap

I would be unhappy that she agreed and now is sacking it off for a party. I just think if you agree to do something you should do it.

My thoughts exactly. The younger 2 will be fine I’m sure, but she said she’d do it, so she shouldn’t be letting you down.

[Candydreamer]

this is odd, I lived on my own at 18..and didnt drive.

I too think you and your husband are really overthinking it and I think you need to make it clear to 22 year old DD that there will be conditions attached to you paying for the car because it sounds like there are?

[Thesearmsofmine]

I think it’s annoying that she has gone back on what she agreed but I think she doesn’t really need to be there. Presumably they will have food in the house and know how to call 999 or knock on a neighbours door if needed, I mean my 10 year old would be able to manage a meal and to do those things.

[ScienceSensibility]

She sounds like a selfish madam and I would be making it clear that there will be negative consequences for her as a result of this conduct.
She doesn’t even pay for the car herself?
You must be embarrassed by her, OP.

[3luckystars]

I can understand why you are disappointed, especially if she said she would be available before she got the better offer of a party and secondly because you are paying for her car. I would tell her she has to leave the car at home for the weekend anyway, even if your 18 year old is not allowed drive it. Meany.

Don’t let it cloud your weekend.
I hope you have a nice time.

[grapewine]

I wouldn't be paying for the car any longer. She sounds spoiled.

[HazyDaisy123456]

Get organised, get plenty of shopping in and get on with it.

Tell the younger two any lifts or shopping requests will have to be in the day before or before 11am on the Saturday.

[Highlights12]

If there was a real emergency couldnt they ask a neighbour. E.g need to go to hospital-ask neighbour for lift. Fancy a pizza but none in freezer-don't ask neighbour for lift.

[diddl]

"She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it."

Why?

What if she had said no-or wasn't that an option?

[pinkcircustop]

YABU. You chose to live in a remote place and you chose to go away. They will be absolutely fine and you are expecting too much.

[Boysnme]

Stop paying for the car. If she wants the privilege of having a car then she earns it.

[diddl]

I can't help thinking that the car is a bit of a red herring.

When the oldest is at uni-presumably either you or your husband are always at hand with a car?

[billy1966]

I think we teach people how to treat us, not least our children.

I would be appalled at her being 22 and being SO reluctant to see her parents have ONE night away.

I find it utterly extraordinary that people spout such shite as they are YOUR children and she has absolutely NO responsibility towards the family she is a part of and who funds her.

It certainly explains so much of the appalling selfishness of so many people.

In your situation I would NOT argue or discuss this further, do not wind yourself up and upset yourself more than you are.

BUT, I would take those keys from her and the FREEZING wind of change would take hold.

I would definitely be reflecting with my husband as to why she is so assured in her complete selfishness and I think I would accept that obviously as parents we have contributed massively to it.

I would be making immediate amends for clearly failing her to grow up to be an adult that has an iota of appreciation for all that has been given to her.

Not EVERY 22 year old has a car at their disposal, paid for by her parents🙄

[Ingles2]

I could be you seriously...
and I love these posts... ask a neighbour / get a taxi... errr we live in the middle of nowhere! no neighbours / no buses or taxis... nothing!
my eldest is 21 and very like this .. really self centred. I find it so disappointing that he's turned out to be to be like this, when I've tried so hard to encourage them to be thoughtful, caring , kind adults... I'm hoping it will still come. My 2 are both at uni and they've decided not to come home this summer as they hate being stuck in the middle of nowhere so much..But I have taken away transport, lifts etc in the past that are their lifeline. Can't say its made any difference long term, other than make them hate a rural life even more.

[Omronron]

Thanks all. Dh and I are going to say OK fine off you go we don't need you. Ds has said he's absolutely fine on his own. Really disappointed in dd though.

[ImFree2doasiwant]

I've said yanbu because she agreed and has gone back on that. Otherwise, I think dd and ds will be fine. They won't need a shop for 1 weekend.

[Omronron]

@diddl

I can't help thinking that the car is a bit of a red herring.

When the oldest is at uni-presumably either you or your husband are always at hand with a car?

Yep

[Aprilx]

I agree if you live somewhere where they can walk to the shops etc. It’s a bit different living in the middle of a moor

It is a seven mile journey to my nearest shop, so not somewhere I would want to walk. The odd time DH has gone to see his dad for an overnight at the weekend and I have been left alone and without car. It is quite easy to manage, we make sure I have food provisions in before he goes.

I cannot think of what type of “emergency” would result in my needing a car, but if there were one I would call a neighbour and it would be emergency services for something serious.

I think expecting a 22 year old to stay in and babysit another adult and a 15 year old is not reasonable. Missing a party at that age would be hugely disappointing, especially after the last eighteen months.

[fourandnomore]

Yanbu to expect her to do what she committed to doing and I feel that she is letting you down knowing that you will now not be as relaxed on your weekend away. I think the other two will be fine as many others have said but it’s just the going back on an agreement. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be paying for her car from now on. I’d say if you are old enough to make your own choices like this then you can manage on your own. Only you know what you’re comfortable with but I know my mum wouldn’t have left me and my brother alone in the house alone but would have if our older sister was there (same age gaps) so I totally understand your reservations.