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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 09:47

Except the dd didn’t say NO did she? She said yes and then decided that actually she had a better offer and would let her parents down instead.

She only said yes after being emotionally manipulated into it.

The issue—which OP is going to ignore because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it—is that it’s not okay to beg, guilt trip and emotionally manipulative your kids into providing childcare for you.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 09:49

@pinkcircustop

Except the dd didn’t say NO did she? She said yes and then decided that actually she had a better offer and would let her parents down instead.

She only said yes after being emotionally manipulated into it.

The issue—which OP is going to ignore because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it—is that it’s not okay to beg, guilt trip and emotionally manipulative your kids into providing childcare for you.

I'm going to ignore it because you have gone down a weird rabbit hole of your own making and it doesn't deserve a response.
OP posts:
MaryBoBary · 30/07/2021 10:00

@Omronron

You'd think at this age you could go away for a trip without kids without it being a huge bloody deal.
I think you are the one making it a huge deal though.

The 2 staying at home don't need a minder. I grew up rurally too. I was left home alone for 10 days while parents went abroad at 15. You are babying them. Part of me worries that oldest daughters are subconsciously expected to mother younger siblings - particularly boys. It's as if subliminally, regardless of age, people feel that boys need looking after. The fact you have asked her to do this and now feel your whole weekend will spent worrying tells me that you need to loosen the apron strings.

MaryBoBary · 30/07/2021 10:02

Forgot to add - she didn't willingly agree to it in the first place and you said you had to beg her. Perhaps she felt awkward with you being persistent and realised you weren't listening to her trying to say no. Therefore she's made plans as an excuse/way of showing you she doesn't want to do it. I don't blame her. It's unnecessary.

Maray1967 · 30/07/2021 10:14

I’m sure they will be fine but entirely understand why you are angry. You need to take action. I have a student DS of 21 with a car although he is paying for it and the insurance himself with savings plus his placement wages and knows if he can’t make the last payments he will need to sell it. I would make it very clear to your DD that you expect some support in return for what she has. There is absolutely no way I would pay for a car for someone who will not give up one party so I can have a much needed short break with reassurance that she is taking care of things at home and has the car in case of any emergency .

AtlasPine · 30/07/2021 10:17

But one thing worth thinking about OP is that by telling her she’s not needed when she talks about perhaps staying at home, you are just reinforcing her view that she was never really needed for this in the first place. I stil think you should show her some love at this point and tel her how much it means to you that she is there to give you full peace of mind while away, whether or not she does actually have to use the car.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 10:19

@AtlasPine

But one thing worth thinking about OP is that by telling her she’s not needed when she talks about perhaps staying at home, you are just reinforcing her view that she was never really needed for this in the first place. I stil think you should show her some love at this point and tel her how much it means to you that she is there to give you full peace of mind while away, whether or not she does actually have to use the car.
Yes that is worth thinking about, thank you
OP posts:
GenderAKAStereotypes · 30/07/2021 10:31

I have DC of that age, some at home and not. I still think YABU.

An 18yr and a 15yr should be mature enough and responsible enough to be left for 24 hours, wherever you live.

If however you feel you can't leave your DC of this age, one of whom
is an adult in his own right, without a babysitter (which is what you expect DD to be) this is on you, not DD.

If you feel it's not babysitting, it's just someone on call (and I see there is a difference) this is also on you, not DD.

What are you expecting your DD to be on call for? Despite living rurally, it's 24 hours! Planning should remove any inconveniences. So emergencies?

(Assuming your DC have no disabilities and SN) If you feel the risk of a serious emergency happening within that 24 hours is such that someone should stay with them at all times, I would think your risk assessments need adjusting, tbh.

As someone pointed out, an (very unlikely) emergency necessitating one of your DC driving another to hospital as an ambulance delay would risk their lives, is an emergency you are going to want to come back for anyway!

If we have DC, to a certain extent we are on call for them for the rest of their natural lives (I have had a "come to hospital" call for an adult
DC living away from home and I dropped everything and went of course. It's just this "on call" risk diminishes greatly as they get older, which is at it should be. We have to live our lives differently as DC get older, whether they live at home, whether you live rurally, whether they are uni etc etc. It's just the natural course of life - I don't leave a toddler unsupervised near stairs right through to my DC is 29 and I'll ring them to say I'm going away, just so they know. Risk changes as circumstances change.

Realistically, this is 24 hours. So for how long do you feel comfortable leaving your 15 and 18 year old unsupervised for?

You are having a Barney with your DD as you have made (I feel, anyway!) an unreasonable demand of her. I wouldn't ask this of my 22yr old, and if I did I sure as shit wouldn't be complaining about her on MN and then not batting an eyelid when people repeatedly insult her, and agreeing with them Hmm

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 30/07/2021 10:40

Would people on here really not ask their 22 year old for ONE favour, for one weekend, to help out their parents who pay for everything for them?

You are not being unreasonable OP. At her age she should be aware that her behaviour isn't OK and that she's being very ungenerous.

Yes your other two will be fine alone, but that's not the point. She's being quite mean spirited. At that age I definitely would have helped my parents out, even if I thought they were being a bit extra cautious and it wasn't really necessary.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 30/07/2021 10:56

I don't blame you for feeling let down, but I suspect her reaction is in part because she thinks the request is ridiculous.

For context, I was the eldest sibling of a family with big age gaps. We lived in the arse end of nowhere, so I totally get where you are coming from with that. I had lots of caring responsibilities, due to my DM's mental illness and, on the whole, I didn't mind caring for my younger siblings. But, if I had just spent 18 months unable to socialise, and I was then asked to stay at home for a weekend to babysit an 18 and 15 year old, I would have been monumentally pissed off. Being asked to do my share was one thing. Being asked to do something totally ridiculous is another.

She still should not have changed her mind, having promised to do it though.

Mary46 · 30/07/2021 11:25

Enjoy break you deserve it. No the daughter doesnt have to help but its give and take in families and its not like the op is asking her every weekend!!

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2021 11:40

The issue—which OP is going to ignore because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it—is that it’s not okay to beg, guilt trip and emotionally manipulative your kids into providing childcare for you.
This is totally true. Every now and then you should simply be able to request and expect something of your children, no begging or guilt tripping should be needed. When my parents went overseas and left me at 19 in charge of 4 younger siblings there was no begging nor did it occur to me to say anything but of course.

paisley256 · 30/07/2021 11:44

It would be lovely if she would help you out but really I think at 18 and 15 they're gonna be just fine. Hope you can relax and enjoy your weekend Flowers

Charley50 · 30/07/2021 12:07

Yes, let it go now, relax and have a lovely weekend with DH ❤️

Joolsin · 30/07/2021 12:08

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I don't blame you for feeling let down, but I suspect her reaction is in part because she thinks the request is ridiculous.

For context, I was the eldest sibling of a family with big age gaps. We lived in the arse end of nowhere, so I totally get where you are coming from with that. I had lots of caring responsibilities, due to my DM's mental illness and, on the whole, I didn't mind caring for my younger siblings. But, if I had just spent 18 months unable to socialise, and I was then asked to stay at home for a weekend to babysit an 18 and 15 year old, I would have been monumentally pissed off. Being asked to do my share was one thing. Being asked to do something totally ridiculous is another.

She still should not have changed her mind, having promised to do it though.

Again, rtft, op's daughter has socialised merrily throughout the pandemic, this party is only thr latest of many
colourfulclouds · 30/07/2021 12:15

I'd be mightily disappointed if this was my dd however, you are right you can't force her. I live rurally and I think you're simply in a panic.

There really isn't much of a reason to need a car over a weekend. If the 18&15 yo really can't manage without a stock of food you leave arrange for a food delivery to come to the house. I do find that fairly unbelievable though. They'll be fine.

Perhaps the 18yo has friends who drive that can come out in an emergency? As others have said I can't think of anything that would cause them to need a car but you're a parent who cares and I doubt very much your concerns are shared with your 18&15 yo Grin

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/07/2021 12:16

The thing about family..

Sometimes we do things out of duty.

Sometimes we do things to be nice.

Sometimes we do things because we have to.

Sometime we do things because we just should.

And just for this one weekend, it would be nice that she could.

Because what isn’t nice is to agree to something and then backtrack.

I hope you manage to have a great weekend with your husband OP. Flowers

Zombiemum1946 · 30/07/2021 12:25

I would just get in a ton of food. Leave money and contact numbers in case of emergency . Have a chat with the 22 yr old when you get back. Maybe ask a neighbour or other relative to be on standby.

Somarefuser · 30/07/2021 13:21

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

The thing about family..

Sometimes we do things out of duty.

Sometimes we do things to be nice.

Sometimes we do things because we have to.

Sometime we do things because we just should.

And just for this one weekend, it would be nice that she could.

Because what isn’t nice is to agree to something and then backtrack.

I hope you manage to have a great weekend with your husband OP. Flowers

The girl has been an adult for four years. She isn’t independent yet, and I’m sure she still expects all these things from her parents, without expecting them of herself. So off to uni, out into the big wide world and see if her understanding of reciprocity has improved. Just make sure you allow her to be fully independent.
igelkott2021 · 30/07/2021 13:30

I think the kids can live without access to a car for 24 hours.

I think the OP was unreasonable to ask - she chose to have three children and it's not the oldest's responsibility to give up things she wants to do to "look after" the younger ones. HOWEVER, she said she would do it and she should not then be flakey and decide a party is more important. Had the party been first that would have been reasonable.

But to go back to my first point, the kids will be fine.

It's odd that you live in such an isolated place if this worries you though.

user1496146479 · 30/07/2021 14:54

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I don't blame you for feeling let down, but I suspect her reaction is in part because she thinks the request is ridiculous.

For context, I was the eldest sibling of a family with big age gaps. We lived in the arse end of nowhere, so I totally get where you are coming from with that. I had lots of caring responsibilities, due to my DM's mental illness and, on the whole, I didn't mind caring for my younger siblings. But, if I had just spent 18 months unable to socialise, and I was then asked to stay at home for a weekend to babysit an 18 and 15 year old, I would have been monumentally pissed off. Being asked to do my share was one thing. Being asked to do something totally ridiculous is another.

She still should not have changed her mind, having promised to do it though.

But... read what OP has said she has spent the pandemic socialising!
badatcrochet1996 · 30/07/2021 16:03

22 and you're paying for her car!? Knock that right on the head.

RadandMad · 30/07/2021 16:28

@pinkcircustop

Except the dd didn’t say NO did she? She said yes and then decided that actually she had a better offer and would let her parents down instead.

She only said yes after being emotionally manipulated into it.

The issue—which OP is going to ignore because she doesn’t want to acknowledge it—is that it’s not okay to beg, guilt trip and emotionally manipulative your kids into providing childcare for you.

Astonishing. Just astonishing. So parents can completely do EVERYTHING for their kids right into adulthood - she's 22, for god's sake - even paying for a car and giving them free board with food, and said parents can't even ask for one bloody weekend of full piece of mind without someone accusing them of emotionally manipulating said child.

Un-fucking-believable.

DingDongThongs · 30/07/2021 16:52

I'd sell the car. You party, you suffer the consequences.

She's getting drunk a lot. Has she an alcohol dependency?

It's immature behaviour at her age.

DingDongThongs · 30/07/2021 16:53

At 22, I went to Uni, had a pt job, a car and a baby! I bought my car new myself. She needs to grow up.