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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:

Karaokehell2021 · 30/07/2021 06:50

I wouldn't be paying for her car anymore. It isnt a huge ask for one weekend considering how much you so for her!

PepperPrig · 30/07/2021 06:51

I think YWBU to ask her in the first place, to be honest.

What would you be doing if your eldest didn't exist? Presumably getting a shop in, leaving the number of your hotel (less than 3 hours drive away!) by the fridge and ensuring your 15 and 18 year olds can remember the number '999'!

In the abreact, it's annoying that she's going back on her word in favour of a better offer, and I do think there's a general lesson to be learnt about honouring your first commitments but it's all a bit skewed for me by the fact I think it was an unnecessary request in the first place and I'm a bit leery of parents using their older children as a free babysitting service and becoming outraged when they decline.

If you're paying for her car, I think you need to be clear in your own mind whether it's a gift freely given (possibly because you acknowledge the burden it placed in your children to live so remotely at your preference?) and it is truly her car too so with as she pleases in the same way as if she were paying herself or whether it comes with strings attached. If the latter, be up front with her about those so she has the opportunity to decide whether that's a deal she wants.

AtlasPine · 30/07/2021 07:12

Ridiculous to have no expectations of family support from a fit and capable young adult offspring. She is behaving very badly - it really isn’t a lot to ask. She gets a lot from you. She said she would. She has let you down. She said she would and she damn well should. Your husband has cancer. You haven’t had a break for years. She ought to be pleased she can help give you peace of mind during your break. She should be pleased you’re going, pleased you trust her, pleased she can give something back.

I’d be pretty disappointed and very reluctant to continue supporting her driving with any funding.

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:18

What would you be doing if your eldest didn't exist?

If she didn't exist and ds18 couldn't drive we wouldn't have planned the trip.

OP posts:

hellcatspangle · 30/07/2021 07:20

I can understand why you're pissed off with her for changing her mind, it's selfish of her.

However, I think the others will cope fine on their own for one night.

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:23

I'm a bit leery of parents using their older children as a free babysitting service and becoming outraged when they decline

Why? It's perfectly normal to use older children to look after younger children. If you had a 16 year old and a 8 year old would you not leave them alone to go to the shops etc?

Also, she's 22, wasn't asked to "babysit", she was asked to be around for the weekend which she agreed to.

Thank you @AtlasPine. He had the all clear a year ago

OP posts:

Namenic · 30/07/2021 07:26

I’d certainly hope 18 and 15 year old were able to cope for 2 days in a rural location. Leave food, money, make sure they have a list of contacts nearby.

But you’re right to be annoyed with dd. She can go to party, but you don’t have to house her or pay for her car. I’d be disappointed if my child did something like that.

Brefugee · 30/07/2021 07:27

I'd be interested to hear from the "get a grip they don't need a baby sitter she should be able to have fun" brigade how old their children are.

And respectfully point everyone at the threads about children invited to birthday parties, etc, who then get a better offer. And almost unanimously the answer is "you are bring up your child badly if you don't point out to them that if you have a prior commitment, you should keep it except in very rare circumstances. Even then it is wrong and you should profusely apologise"

Plenty of families work on a system of mutual support without actually spelling it out (I know mine did, growing up) and if you are asked to do something, and you agree, that really should be it unless life-or-death or once-in-a-lifetime things crop up.

Tbh if I was the daughter I'd be moving out

tbh if i were the mother i'd be helping her pack and making sure she got on the bus/train/taxi. (Because the car would be staying where it is)

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:28

At this point it might be worth mentioning that I will definitely be leaving them some food!

OP posts:

Essentialironingwater · 30/07/2021 07:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect an adult living in your house, driving a car you provided, to stick to a commitment she made.

Whether it's necessarily is a red herring, it was making you feel better being away. I have a feeling some posters don't understand the realities of living rurally. I wouldn't want to be here without a car. There are no taxis except for an unlicensed chap called Martin who ferries people around

I'm sure your DC will be fine but I agree with you entirely.

hellcatspangle · 30/07/2021 07:33

I also wouldn't be financing her taking the car to uni in a city - they don't need them and it sounds like it's an extra expense you'll struggle to afford. My dd took her car when she was in final year, but only because she had a p/t job that was out of town and she paid expenses for it herself.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 07:34

It's perfectly normal to use older children to look after younger children

It may be to parents but not necessarily the children. I hated being the free default sitter for children I had no say in coming along.

If they really can’t be left overnight why didn’t you book a family holiday. They may have liked to go away too if they haven’t been for some time.

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:42

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It's perfectly normal to use older children to look after younger children

It may be to parents but not necessarily the children. I hated being the free default sitter for children I had no say in coming along.

If they really can’t be left overnight why didn’t you book a family holiday. They may have liked to go away too if they haven’t been for some time.

Well dd would agree with you as she clearly doesn't feel she should be there (despite literally never having been asked before as dh and have never been away for a night together since she was born)

OP posts:

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:46

Sorry and meant to say that I don't feel even slightly guilty for going away with just dh. It will be a fantastic treat for us and we are really looking forward to it. It would have been lovely if dd had been really supportive of it, but she's clealry got to the stage where she doesn't feel responsible for the family, which is fine, but she is living here and being fed and looked after for free so I tend to think it should work both ways.

OP posts:

IamnotSethRogan · 30/07/2021 07:47

I would say it's unreasonable to back out of something she agreed to but really and 18 year old and 15 year old will be fine. Especially if they're well stocked up before hand. In an emergency an ambulance would come.

Witchesbelazy · 30/07/2021 07:50

@Omronron

She isn’t responsible for the family though. They are your children not hers.

RadandMad · 30/07/2021 07:50

I wonder if all the people on here who think you're being unreasonable would sing from the same song sheet if something did happen. Let me guess who they'd blame - you - not the entitled adult daughter currently living off your dime. You'd be in the wrong for leaving them without the necessary safeguards in place.

No wonder we're bringing up a generation of fragile little narcissists.

Mayra1367 · 30/07/2021 07:52

I think they will be fine but I would be very annoyed. She said she’ll do it , it’ll make it a much more relaxed weekend for you knowing she is there. She’s being selfish, needs to be reminded that you pay for her car .

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 07:57

She isn’t responsible for the family though. They are your children not hers

Yes, thanks for pointing that out.

I believe in families supporting each other and working as a team - maybe because we are rural, have animals etc - that's how we live. We don't all live separate lives. Now dd doesn't feel like thst anymore and that's fine, but she's very happy to live here and be cooked for every night and have a free car!

One thing we have realised is thst ds18 needs a car and to pass his test so going to book some more lessons for him while we are waiting for test to come through.

OP posts:

swanswallow · 30/07/2021 07:57

She isnt responsible for her siblings and though it was a reasonable request to do something nice to help, she didn't wish to keep the commitment. Fair enough. I think this works both ways though and I would be also thinking how responsible you are for the car of a 22 year old.

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:00

I wonder if all the posters commenting about adult children living at home having no responsibility to their family actually have adult children?

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 30/07/2021 08:02

though it was a reasonable request to do something nice to help, she didn't wish to keep the commitment. Fair enough.

These are the two sentences that sum up so many posts on this thread that just make no sense to me.

She didn’t wish to keep a commitment she’d made to someone else, and that’s fair enough?

Nah. Failing to stick to your commitments is really shitty behaviour, no matter who the commitment is to.

Original poster

Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:03

I know. "Fair enough"?!

Do all these posters take their responsibilities/commitments so lightly?

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 30/07/2021 08:04

Your daughter sounds horribly entitled and I absolutely understand why you're upset and disappointed with her. Whilst I understand people saying our children weren't born to look after siblings or make their parents happy, there is something something be said about common decency. She's had her car paid for, living at home for free and come and gone as she wanted to party with her friends. It's not wildly unreasonable for there to be a hope that she would stay near home for a weekend to make her parents and younger sibling feel a bit more secure. Given the hard couple of years OP and her family have had, at 22 you'd also hope she'd have the ability to think of others. It's doubly bad that she first agreed and then decided she'd make other plans. I'd be really disappointed in her and wouldn't hide that from her.

Lcachu · 30/07/2021 08:05

YABU.

At 18 I had moved out of home and was paying my own rent for a flat and I'm a "millennial". Your DC is 18! They are an adult.

Time to cut the purse strings.

Personally they should be earning their own money for you not to have to leave taxi money and should know what to do in an emergency.

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