Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
Mary46 · 30/07/2021 08:08

Hi op yes lousy. She was asked to be flexible for one weekend. I see your point. Find kids can be me me me attitude! Enjoy your time away

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/07/2021 08:09

but she is living here and being fed and looked after for free

She’s your child not some random stranger. It’s what parents do when they choose to have children.

i wonder if all the posters commenting about adult children living at home having no responsibility to their family actually have adult children

I have adult children, they aren’t default babysitters or designated drivers though. They will only be young and commitment free for such a short period of time, I don’t expect them to take on my roles.

Sally872 · 30/07/2021 08:10

I can't believe people act as if she is default parent for being asked to help once. And I would suggest having g a free car she would be glad to put it to family use occasionally!

OP it doesn't matter if dd thinks it is unnecessary, or if she doesn't want to do it. My 10 year old thinks tidying her room is unnecessary and doesn't want to do it but we make her anyway. Your dd has been asked to do something the parents think is necessary (and I agree) she committed to doing this and pulled out at short notice.

She has been out partying a lot so this is not a rare opportunity, and clearly has plenty of disposable income so I would stop funding the car. Not as a direct punishment but because family works both ways and she sounds ungrateful and spoiled. No wonder you are disappointed.

Let her sulk, don't make her feel it is ok to go because it isn't.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:10

Well this morning she says she may not go to the party after all but will let me know.

I've said don't worry we can manage without you

I bet she won't go!

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 30/07/2021 08:10

It's selfish, but unfortunately you can't dictate a 22 year old what to do.

Just take the other DC shopping so they have all the food they want/ need.
They'll be fine, enjoy your weekend!

Sally872 · 30/07/2021 08:11

I have adult children, they aren’t default babysitters or designated drivers though. They will only be young and commitment free for such a short period of time, I don’t expect them to take on my roles.

It isn't default!!! Default suggests regular and presumed. This is a rare occasion and she was asked and agreed!

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:12

I will definitely make sure they have food Wink

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 30/07/2021 08:15

@Omronron

Well this morning she says she may not go to the party after all but will let me know.

I've said don't worry we can manage without you

I bet she won't go!

No child likes the feeling of her parents being disappointed in them...I imagine it's the attack of a guilty conscience!
pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 08:17

@Omronron

Well this morning she says she may not go to the party after all but will let me know.

I've said don't worry we can manage without you

I bet she won't go!

I can’t believe how you’ve emotionally manipulated your daughter. Firstly into doing it, because you had to beg and guilt trip her, and now after she stood up to you when she realised what you did wasn’t okay.

If she doesn’t go you shouldn’t feel happy or proud, you should feel ashamed of yourself that you think emotional manipulation to get what you want is acceptable in your family.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:20

pinkcircustop

So her telling us she'd do it - then not - and us saying OK fine - now her dithering - that's US being emotionally controlling?!

Give your heid a wobble

OP posts:
Muma1992 · 30/07/2021 08:21

Family should all chip in to help each other, so it would be nice if your DD had agreed to stay home.
You did choose to live in the middle of nowhere though, so I'd expect you would have factored in for an extra car for DS18 when he turned 17 or some kind of contingency plan for if you didn't have a car for any reason. I wouldn't like to feel stranded relying on cars, hence why I choose to live more centrally.

Herecomesthesun70 · 30/07/2021 08:21

Is he bloody fuming too. Kids can be so selfish & ungrateful.

I'd be making it clear to her that you're disappointed. Let her sulk, it's a lesson in being a grown up. Point our her easy life and free car and that you never ask for favours.

Get 18 year old driving ASAP and make sure he gets either equal use of the car or gets his own.
Stop feeding her every night too. All the kids can feed themselves maybe they can take turns to cook for the family. (Not that our 16 year old does. He's a selfish bugger too)
Have an amazing time away and don't worry about the kids. You deserve a lovely time.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:22

@Muma1992

Family should all chip in to help each other, so it would be nice if your DD had agreed to stay home. You did choose to live in the middle of nowhere though, so I'd expect you would have factored in for an extra car for DS18 when he turned 17 or some kind of contingency plan for if you didn't have a car for any reason. I wouldn't like to feel stranded relying on cars, hence why I choose to live more centrally.
Yes sometimes where you choose to live is due to factors other than your personal choice. Someone has to live here!
OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 30/07/2021 08:27

She made a commitment and should honour it

I'm a great believer in actions and consequences. In your shoes I might say "I can't force you to stay at home, but next time you ask me to do something, I might feel open to agree but then change my mind if I get a better offer"

AtlasPine · 30/07/2021 08:28

I think I’d be a bit forgiving and gracious now if she’s saying she may stay. She obviously realised she’s been unreasonable. Might be worth making it easy for her to back down and keep her word after all by showing some positivity - ‘That would be great love, your dad will be so much more relaxed knowing things are safe in your care. I knew we could depend on you.’

Worth a try! It shows her she can be seen as trustworthy if she rises to the challenge.

user1493494961 · 30/07/2021 08:29

You sound lovely OP, I hope you and DH have a great time.

notanothertakeaway · 30/07/2021 08:31

@Omronron

Well this morning she says she may not go to the party after all but will let me know.

I've said don't worry we can manage without you

I bet she won't go!

Surely, if she doesn't go, that's a good outcome?

You told her you were disappointed and wanted her to stay. Surely you should be pleased she took that on board

I'd be thanking her for doing the right thing. Otherwise, this whole discussion has been rather pointless

Brefugee · 30/07/2021 08:33

They will only be young and commitment free for such a short period of time, I don’t expect them to take on my roles

This is daft. She is an adult and agreed to do one small, cost free, thing for her parents. And flaked on them. And that's fine because poor young people.

Again these attitudes explain the difficulty we have trying to install good teamwork in our graduates. Not all of them, but too many

myvisage · 30/07/2021 08:34

@Omronron-I think your DD has behaved terribly. She is being asked to stay around for one weekend after a very difficult couple of years for her parents and a trip which she must know you have been really looking forward to. I'm not surprised your DH is livid.
You have said she has been constantly partying and holidaying with her bf since leaving Uni and that her car is fully funded by you. Is she working or is all her partying fully funded by her parents too?
Either way, she sounds horribly selfish. Everyone, whether young or old should have some degree of responsibility and should behave in a kind and supportive way. This sort of selfish attitude has led to so many problems in wider society too.
If I were her parent, I would definitely be speaking to her about her unreliability and selfishness and would instigate some changes.

Having said all this, I can't see any reason why your 18 and 15 year old would need to go to the shops in just a 2 day period. Food and any other essentials can obviously be organised in advance. The chances of a serious emergency happening are incredibly small particularly if they are sensible teens.
Enjoy your weekend away.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:37

Yes I will be grateful if she decides to stay but she hasn't said either way which in a way is more irritating.

OP posts:
myvisage · 30/07/2021 08:37

@AtlasPine

I think I’d be a bit forgiving and gracious now if she’s saying she may stay. She obviously realised she’s been unreasonable. Might be worth making it easy for her to back down and keep her word after all by showing some positivity - ‘That would be great love, your dad will be so much more relaxed knowing things are safe in your care. I knew we could depend on you.’

Worth a try! It shows her she can be seen as trustworthy if she rises to the challenge.

It doesn't sound as if she is offering to stay because she has realised her mistake. It sounds much more as if the party might not go ahead and the organisers will let her know at which point she will let her mum. know, ie she will do whatever suits her and also feels she is doing her parents a favour.

If she had sincerely apologised and made an actual sacrifice that would be different.

rantymcrantface66 · 30/07/2021 08:38

She's leaving on the afternoon on the same day as you and will be back the next day. I assume they won't eat all the food in that time. It's ok to go 24h without a shopping trip. Just get a shop in that morning before you go. I'm sure the younger 2 will cope fine and probably be happier without her there if she'd rather be somewhere else and do what everyone else without a car does in an emergency. The fact she was so reluctant in the first place I'd have expected this to happen anyway

sailmeaway · 30/07/2021 08:39

I'd be hacked off with her. She lives with you and you pay for the car, the least she can do is give you peace of mind for this one weekend.

LizzieSiddal · 30/07/2021 08:39

You sound lovely OP, I hope you and DH have a great time.

I agree! Ignore the silly people who say any different. We live rurally and our Dds are in their twenties. We’ve asked the same thing of them occasionally, when we’ve been away and they’ve always said yes without any issues.
The fact you pay for her car, she said she’d do it and then goes back on her promise is just awful. I’d be really upset if my Dd did this and would be having serious words with her about breaking promises and letting people down.

notyourmummy · 30/07/2021 08:42

I can understand why you're annoyed, but I lived very rurally with my parents until I went to university (nearest village about 3 miles, all that was there was a corner shop and a pub) and didn't drive at that time. They went on holiday at least 3/4 times a year without us once we got to around 14/15, if I needed to get anywhere I walked or phoned for a taxi in a real emergency. They'll be fine.

Swipe left for the next trending thread