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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dd but to accept that we can't force her to do it?

481 replies

Omronron · 29/07/2021 18:01

I have three dcs. 22, 18 and 15.

I'll start by saying that Dh and I have had a really tough couple of years. We run our own business and times are very tough, not sure if we'll even have a business this time next year. We live very rurally (this is relevant!). No public transport, taxi service miles away.

Anyway, we've not had holidays for the last few years. Dh has booked a weekend away for just me and him. We told dd22 we were going to do this. She is living with us before she goes back to uni mid September. She also has a car that we pay for. Ds18 is waiting for his test to come through but can't drive.

We asked dd22 to be around that weekend as she has the car,just in case there's an emergency, I am sure they'll have to go to a shop at some point.

She agreed - but was very reluctant. I more or less begged her to do it.

Anyway she's come home today and said she has a party 3 hours drive away on the Saturday that we go away, so won't be around from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. This means ds and dd will be in the house on their own (fair enough they are 18 and 15) but they won't have a car in case of emergency or to get to the shops. I know they will probably cope, but it would have meant I could really enjoy myself and relax knowing dd1 was here with her car.

AIBU to expect dd22 to stay at home that weekend?

Yes - you are being unreasonable and the other 2 will just have to cope without anyone here with a car

No - She's being selfish and unhelpful

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 30/07/2021 08:42

@Omronron

Yes I will be grateful if she decides to stay but she hasn't said either way which in a way is more irritating.
Sometimes it’s worth making it easier for them to do the right thing - stubborn behaviour is often part of being young, and they all mature at different times. No switch to flick at age 18. I’m sure your daughter isn’t a monster, just an immature young person who needs encouragement to get it right. I’m a specialist behaviour support teacher who brought up a family of kids who weren’t always perfect themselves but are fab now they’re in their 30s -n these are my go-to strategies! Not for everyone though, fair enough.
pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 08:45

@Omronron

pinkcircustop

So her telling us she'd do it - then not - and us saying OK fine - now her dithering - that's US being emotionally controlling?!

Give your heid a wobble

You begged her; you emotionally guilted her into it.

She didn’t want to do it and finally got the guts to tell you so.

You have since emotionally guilted her again and now she doesn’t want to do it.

So yeah, you’re emotionally controlling and manipulative.

Butchyrestingface · 30/07/2021 08:46

@Omronron, I take it you're now going to knock paying for the car on the head, at least? Grin

Muma1992 · 30/07/2021 08:48

I don't understand your reply about choosing to live rurally, sorry, might have missed something as I am very overtired with a baby up all night!

carcarbinks · 30/07/2021 08:49

We live rurally with no public transport and I find it strange that you / your DC can't go a weekend without needing to go to the shops. A medical emergency could happen at any time - do you worry every time you go out for an hour or two in the car?

Sally872 · 30/07/2021 08:51

@pibkcircustop she shouldn't need to beg.

They are a family and should willingly help each other. Ie buying a 22 year old a car when she clearly has plenty of disposable income for parties.

I could understand and respect dd having to set boundaries if she was constantly watching her siblings but dd is wrong. Family team is what I say to my younger ones we all have to pitch in and everything can't be left to parents.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 08:52

At 18 I had moved out of home and was paying my own rent for a flat and I'm a "millennial". Your DC is 18! They are an adult. Well you were either fortunate to be able to get a job straight from high school that was sufficient to cover deposit and rent and living expenses, not easy at the best of times let alone in a pandemic or you had no choice but to go which isn't what I'd wish on any 18 yo

MaMaD1990 · 30/07/2021 08:52

So yeah, you’re emotionally controlling and manipulative. @pinkcircustop* - thanks, I needed a laugh.

Mary46 · 30/07/2021 08:54

Its respect both ways. It was one weekend. Yes op I agree with you.

pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 08:54

[quote Sally872]@pibkcircustop she shouldn't need to beg.

They are a family and should willingly help each other. Ie buying a 22 year old a car when she clearly has plenty of disposable income for parties.

I could understand and respect dd having to set boundaries if she was constantly watching her siblings but dd is wrong. Family team is what I say to my younger ones we all have to pitch in and everything can't be left to parents.[/quote]
You are the one choosing to have kids, you are the one that needs to sort childcare.

“Family pitching in” is just an excuse parents use to get the older siblings to give them free childcare for the younger ones.

Older siblings are not there to babysit younger ones. If they offer to help out great, or you ask and they say yes, great. But if they don’t want to they shouldn’t be obliged to or emotionally manipulated and begged to do it.

AtlasPine · 30/07/2021 08:56

The home is the training ground for social responsibility and giving as well as taking. What she was asked to do wasn’t unreasonable at all. Nothing the op has said suggests she has been used for childcare in an exploitative way.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 08:59

I do worry about families that have no sense of responsibility to each other. Where do those children learn it? When do they finally feel at least some responsiblity for others?

OP posts:
Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 09:00

@AtlasPine

The home is the training ground for social responsibility and giving as well as taking. What she was asked to do wasn’t unreasonable at all. Nothing the op has said suggests she has been used for childcare in an exploitative way.
Thank you. This is what I believe (although dd clealry doesn't atm!)
OP posts:
Charley50 · 30/07/2021 09:00

I think now that she has said she might not go you could let her know you appreciate her putting family first. If she then changes her mind again and does go to the party, she's being selfish, but she will know that.

I don't think she needs to be there at all, tbh. 18 is old enough to deal with an emergency by calling a friend or neighbour with a car.

Some people might say it's selfish to bring up children miles away from any other easily accessible human contact, but I suppose there are many upsides to growing up so remotely as well.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 09:02

So yeah, you’re emotionally controlling and manipulative

I understand this is an anonymous forum and that it's hard for people to understand nuance. It's also easy for people to overlay their own experiences on top of others posts. It's also hard to back down if you've made a sweeping statement based on nothing. But you are 100% wrong.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 30/07/2021 09:02

@plodalong12

YABU. I wouldn’t sack off a party because my 18 and 15 year old siblings might, on the off chance, need me there to drive them to the shop on that evening. Just go shopping beforehand, problem solved.
Even if you had a car your parents were paying for, knew how hard your parents had worked and were working for that and knew how much they were looking forward to their first weekend away together in 22 years?

Wow. I think the OP’s daughter is behaving like a spoilt brat.

Awrite · 30/07/2021 09:07

The emergency will be the internet going down. Which one can fix that? Wink

Go, have a great time. Try not to worry. I'm sure the boys will love it whilst also being really pleased to see you when you get home.

Awrite · 30/07/2021 09:09

Sounds like your younger two are more responsible than dd anyway.

Somarefuser · 30/07/2021 09:10

@Omronron

I wonder if all the posters commenting about adult children living at home having no responsibility to their family actually have adult children?
I’ve got adult children living at home, and I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Have a rethink about your expectations of your 22 year old. If she’s not happy being part of your family team, then she needs to pay her way in other forms or move out and be independent of both demands and receipts.
pinkcircustop · 30/07/2021 09:15

OP, you are massively missing the point. It was reasonable of you to ask, but it’s also reasonable of her to say no.

Older siblings don’t have to be childcare for younger siblings simply because they’re family.

Buying and/or paying for a car for her was your choice, and I’m sure wasn’t done just so you could get whatever you wanted out of her when you wanted it.

You asked, she said no. You begged and emotionally guilted her into saying yes, not only once but twice. You should take a look at your own parenting style.

Emotionally healthy relationships are far more important than money and gifts.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 09:15

@Awrite

The emergency will be the internet going down. Which one can fix that? Wink

Go, have a great time. Try not to worry. I'm sure the boys will love it whilst also being really pleased to see you when you get home.

Thanks! I think Ds15 would manage to fix that if he had to 😂
OP posts:
Sally872 · 30/07/2021 09:21

*You are the one choosing to have kids, you are the one that needs to sort childcare.

“Family pitching in” is just an excuse parents use to get the older siblings to give them free childcare for the younger ones.

Older siblings are not there to babysit younger ones. If they offer to help out great, or you ask and they say yes, great. But if they don’t want to they shouldn’t be obliged to or emotionally manipulated and begged to do it.*

Choosing to have kids does not mean you do everything. Part of parenting is teaching them to be responsible. I don't have to help a stranger if they fall in the street but I would. Doing the right thing is important even more so for your own household. Do you apply the same logic to taking care of the house? Parents have to do everything because the children didn't ask to be born? Never cook, never set the table, never load the dish washer unless they genuinely want to do it?? How does that prepare them for life.

Original poster
Omronron · 30/07/2021 09:24

@Sally872

*You are the one choosing to have kids, you are the one that needs to sort childcare.

“Family pitching in” is just an excuse parents use to get the older siblings to give them free childcare for the younger ones.

Older siblings are not there to babysit younger ones. If they offer to help out great, or you ask and they say yes, great. But if they don’t want to they shouldn’t be obliged to or emotionally manipulated and begged to do it.*

Choosing to have kids does not mean you do everything. Part of parenting is teaching them to be responsible. I don't have to help a stranger if they fall in the street but I would. Doing the right thing is important even more so for your own household. Do you apply the same logic to taking care of the house? Parents have to do everything because the children didn't ask to be born? Never cook, never set the table, never load the dish washer unless they genuinely want to do it?? How does that prepare them for life.

I wouldn't even bother replying tbh, it's such a ridiculous premise. And unlikely that anyone lives like this in real life.
OP posts:
AndTime · 30/07/2021 09:36

Just get plenty of food and snacks in they will be fine. It's one night!

MyriadeOfThings · 30/07/2021 09:41

OP, you are massively missing the point. It was reasonable of you to ask, but it’s also reasonable of her to say no.

Except the dd didn’t say NO did she? She said yes and then decided that actually she had a better offer and would let her parents down instead.

If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Say so. It’s ok.
But saying Yes and then deciding that actually you don’t want to is rude and disrespectful.

That’s the issue here.