Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

*Where do you find someone (woman) who earns 150k and is not stuck up/wants more.

From what I have seen, the very very few women who would be in that sort of salary bracket are divorced from families with significantly more so would be unhappy with a man who earned the same as her.*

Who on EARTH do you think you are? Of COURSE we exist, we just have no interest in someone so mean that they agonise over spending £2k (which is barely a week's take home pay) on someone they 'like, love more than anything'.

Take her or don't take her. But bloody hell do NOT accept any job role where you have a say in a woman's salary progression, Captain Misogyny.

I think if you suggested the holiday and she generally pays what she can afford and is generous with the disposable income that she does have, then it's fine. Ultimately if you love her and want to be a family one day or at least live in the same house, you are going to have to get used to subsiding her given the disparity in your incomes. And I think most people in love wouldn't have an issue with this, if their partner worked really hard and managed their money well etc. I think most people start to have an issue when their partner is lazy, or only works a couple of days a week when they could do loads more but is happy for you to pick up the tab for everything etc.

The alternative is you go 5050 on everything which means she will only be able to join you in 1 thing in 20, or you do very cheap things that probably arent to your taste, like a night out wild camping in the woods. Or you take holidays and weekends away by yourself and she never goes away. You drive everywhere and she gets the bus. Your kids get new bikes for christmas and hers get some colouring books. Which isnt a relationship is it, its two people dating. So if you want this relationship to work long term then yes you do need to use some of your cash to try and equalise the disparity in your lifestyles otherwise there will be two conflicting sets of lifestyles per family and that will lead to resentment.

Couple of things though. Why are you worried about being too generous? You're a high earner and it's only a couple of £k, which benefits you as much as her (you get your gf to join you on holiday, the kids get to spend time with their friend and stay entertained), you haven't signed over half your house or something.

Lastly why are you talking this through with friends. Surely the most you say to them is 'we're off on holiday'. If they are questioning your generosity then they must know her earnings and that you are paying for it, and it sounds like you are discussing yours and her private business with them. It's fine to give an opinion if asked but its not fine to impose their opinions on you if you've not asked, and to be honest, if you have been discussing your finances as a couple with your friends I'd be very hurt if I was her. A group of people sitting around deciding whether to label me a gold digger is not a very nice thing to do and if she ever found out I dont think it would help her ever get to be friends with these people. You keep saying they and you are not worried about her motives etc its about whether you're being 'too generous' or not but why does anyone care about what you do with a spare couple of k, when it's a relatively small amount that will make you happy?

[quote ImMale]@LtDansleg

I hear often about guys trying to be "too nice", just last week a good female friend of mine split up her her boy friends because he was being too generous.

I want to go on holiday, I want her to come, I'm happy to pay, but I'm not sure I should be happy to pay? Maybe I'm totally over thinking this. Which I think I am.[/quote]
You are being ridiculous and slightly arrogant.

I paid my boyfriend's holidays for years without a second thought. It's what couples do.

@TalkingOutYerArse

Money well spent to see how you all get on for a decent duration of time if you ask me.

That’s an absolutely brilliant point!

If it costs £1500 to find out that they’re awful to live with, it’s saves a shit load more in terms of time, money and heartbreak in the longer run

I came on to say that if you’re going into this (both of you) with your eyes open, if you observe each other over time and evaluate if each is what the other needs them to be etc then proceed at this steady and sensible pace.

And do women not work in your workplace? Or are they 'just' secretaries or something? I know some women earning over 200k and they are not 'from money' and they are with men on less than 150k.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd be more concerned that your children are so close after such a short relationship. They should barely have met, if at all.

What a judgy comment. I feel the opposite actually (having brought up a blended family myself), in that if you are serious about an ongoing relationship - and you can know in a very short time that it is - it’s really important that the children get to know each other, and the adults with whom they will live. In my case, my DSS’s mummy had died when they were very young, and my DC’s ‘father’ was mostly absent and uninterested in them. We both felt that all the children needed to be happy with the situation. They deserved nothing less.

I’m not sure I’d pay if there was no offer to even pay a token amount or the expectation that because my salary was higher I’d fund it

I agree with this and I sense this is where your unease is coming from. You can afford to pay it all, you are happy to pay it all but if she didn't at least say "I'm sorry I can't afford to contribute, is that OK?" Or "I can pay for a couple of dinners, is that OK?" Rather than just "that would be nice". I would feel a bit taken for granted.

I don't think you're expecting her to grovel or express undying gratitude, but rather just give you a small acknowledgement of the position. I would feel perturbed in your position too. I am a higher earner than most of my friends and I'm happy to pay for more stuff. But it feels a bit discomforting when someone just assumes you will pay (one of my friends does this) every time. I don't want them to "grovel" but an "are you sure? " or even just a "thanks" would be nice!

The niggle you have in your head would not be there if you hadn't thought it . Because you have ( and it was big enough to come on here ) means at the back of your head , you are a little aggrieved at having to pay for all the holiday. If that is the case , are you the sort that at any falling out it would come into your head ?
If you can say 100% that you can pay for this holiday and see it as a great for all, then don't do it.
If I were your gf and knew you had come on here , I wouldn't be going on holiday with you .

OP you have all the excuses but when it boils down to it you are tight! You don't really want to book this. You don't need validation from strangers to book a holiday - come on!

When I met DH he worked in Mothercare and I was a teacher. Now his career has taken off and he earns 10 times my salary - at no point have we been on the forums asking if we should book the holiday we like a good time with each other, regardless of who pays what. And its no perfect marriage either, but counting pennies is just boring and pointless.

Sure he can leave tomorrow and I will be back to teacher holidays but I'm sure he enjoyed every minute as much as I did and has no regrets. You, on the other hand are already regretting spending before you've even booked.

I understand why you'd ask the question here. Sounds like you have a very good feeling about this relationship and I sincerely hope it works for you all.

With regards to the holiday, you've done the right thing. It might cost extra for your gf and her child to come too but it's not like you're giving her that money. You are asking her to partake in an experience that you and your children will benefit from their presence. Your DC enjoy the company of hers and you enjoy her company and get to have some grown up time when the dc go to bed.
She will also benefit from the experience as they haven't had a holiday before. It's really nice to be able to do that for them. You will enjoy seeing them enjoy this experience too.
She will contribute both financially for food/treats and practically with the DC and the organisation.

By spending this concentrated time together and with your children you will all learn more about each other and this will all help to decide if there is a future going forward.

You are probably over thinking it a bit but that's pretty normal too. I hope you all have a fab time

@sunflowerstory

*Where do you find someone (woman) who earns 150k and is not stuck up/wants more.

From what I have seen, the very very few women who would be in that sort of salary bracket are divorced from families with significantly more so would be unhappy with a man who earned the same as her.*

Who on EARTH do you think you are? Of COURSE we exist, we just have no interest in someone so mean that they agonise over spending £2k (which is barely a week's take home pay) on someone they 'like, love more than anything'.

Take her or don't take her. But bloody hell do NOT accept any job role where you have a say in a woman's salary progression, Captain Misogyny.

This ^^

Go or don’t go. You aren’t a hero for paying to take your girlfriend on holiday. You sound very immature

@kin432

The comment about full time dad is because there is no dad on the scene, where as my kids live with me a bit over 50%. If we lived together, and I work from home and she is working weekends/evenings, then I would provide the majority of the parental care her child would get. That's my reluctance to bring a full time dad to her child.

It would be a massive red flag to me that your partner has introduced 2 or 3 previous partners to her child. I'm surprised it's not to you.

It's also a massive red flag that you both introduced your children so soon. Both of you need to think of your children's feelings in this, it's not nice for them to be introduced to several partners in such a short space of time.

I think she should at least acknowledge how generous of you to offer to pay for her and her child to go on holiday. This generosity shouldn't be expected and taken for granted, especially given you don't live together.

[quote ImMale]@kin432

The comment about full time dad is because there is no dad on the scene, where as my kids live with me a bit over 50%. If we lived together, and I work from home and she is working weekends/evenings, then I would provide the majority of the parental care her child would get. That's my reluctance to bring a full time dad to her child.[/quote]
Who does the childcare now if she works evening and weekends

@OneForTheRoadThen

It would be a massive red flag to me that your partner has introduced 2 or 3 previous partners to her child. I'm surprised it's not to you.

It's also a massive red flag that you both introduced your children so soon. Both of you need to think of your children's feelings in this, it's not nice for them to be introduced to several partners in such a short space of time.

Why. Gf child is 10

Sure she’s had rrelatiinshoos since child was born. Esp if dad about

*if dad isn’t about

It would be a massive red flag to me that your partner has introduced 2 or 3 previous partners to her child.

That is one helluva judgemental statement.

Her child is 10 years old? (Haven't reread the thread) We know nothing of her situation or how much or little involvement previous partners had with her child. If she is a single parent, then without significant support I fail to see how she could have any sort of relationship without her child knowing.

Again, the issue is the likely precedence that you offering sets and the impact on your relationship. Are you always going to be paying for all the holidays, days out, and then what happen when you move in and you pay for your kids activity, will you feel obligated to pay for her child's same activity if they want to join in.

When it gets to the point of financially investing a significant amount of money for a joint activity, it is the time to have THE conversation about finances. It is fair that she starts sharing some info about her budget and explain why she has no money at all to contribute. Does she get maintenance from her ex or not. This kind of discussion.

It wouldn't be fair on you if this means that from now on, you are expected to fully pay anything extra. At the same time, it's not fair to pay now, telling her that it's nothing to worry about and that you are very happy to do so, if next holiday, you express some annoyance.

This is entirely up to you. But why not compromise and go for a cheap break with her and go for a more expensive one on your own.

I cannot imagine myself in the scenario of children being involved as I don’t have any. So I am just thinking about past holidays with boyfriends. And no, after ten months and maybe longer if not living together, I would not expect to pay for the other person nor for them to pay for me. I think at that stage you pay for yourselves and chose a holiday option that suits both budgets.

In the early days of my relationship with my partner I paid for several holidays as he was earning less money than me at that time, now 10 years on mostly he pays as he's the higher earner, no kids involved, may not answer your own personal question but we wanted to go away together and back in those early days it was affordable if I paid at that moment in our lives , I never thought he was using me for money or that I was buying him by paying for trips away.

I agree that at this stage of the relationship, as a single mum, I wouldn't have agreed for my boyfriend, now husband to pay 100% for me and my kids. I just wouldn't have felt comfortable. I would have suggested somewhere cheaper for a shorter time.

At a later stage, when we had moved in together, he insisted on paying half, despite having no children himself. I agreed at this point and was majorly grateful.

You earn 4/5 times her salary. You can afford a holiday. You want her and her dc to go on the holiday with you.
She can't afford to pay for her and her DC.
I think its totally reasonable of you to offer to pay for her and her dc if you want them on the holiday with you and you are invested in this relationship.

You can't go forward with the negative what ifs. What if we don't work out, what if I spend too much on her. But What if it does work out? What if shes the one and you spend the rest of your lives together?

It feels a bit like you're worried about risking money (which you have a decent amount of), more so than risking the chance this might end up being an amazing relationship for you. You may be risking more financially, but is she risking anything going into this? Heartbreak, time from her dc to spend with you. Its not all financial that should be considered as the biggest risk.

If she was uncomfortable with it, she would say, or you'd pick up on it.

You've explained she does not expect you to pay for everything, but obviously when earning quite a bit less than you, her contribution financially is going to be less than you can make to the relationship. If shes contributing in other ways - her time for you, thoughtful, doing things for you, helping with your dc, then she is obviously invested in the relationship too and adding what she can to it.

If you want this relationship to progress and you do actually want her on this holiday and you are happy to pay to enable that to happen (and not begrudge it further down the line, or hold her to ransom on it) then just do it.

Its not weird paying to take your GF on holiday if its something you are able to do.

Go and have a lovely time.

@OneForTheRoadThen

It would be a massive red flag to me that your partner has introduced 2 or 3 previous partners to her child. I'm surprised it's not to you.

It's also a massive red flag that you both introduced your children so soon. Both of you need to think of your children's feelings in this, it's not nice for them to be introduced to several partners in such a short space of time.

This. Absolutely this.

I came on to say almost the same. Think of your children, long and hard before you do this. Paying for her holiday and introducing all the children is a huge, huge mistake. Especially, as you say, you don't want to live with her.
Neither one of you seem to have their best interests at heart. Poor kids.