Holidays costs when not living together

[ImMale]

Looking for some advice, please.

I'm a dad of 2 young (under 10) kids, I have a girlfriend whom I've been with about 10 months and who has a 10-year-old. We do not live together.

I earn 4 or 5 times her salary.

I want to go on holiday, I can afford and am happy to pay for all 5 of us. She can't afford to contribute at all, so the option would be either we don't go, or I go with my 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Is this normal?

Am I being taken advantage of, or is it reasonable for me to pay for the 5 of us given the massive disparity in our incomes?

I see a future with my girlfriend but I just need someone to sanity check that I'm not being a complete idiot here.

Not sure it's important, but the price of a holiday would be around the £5-6k mark + all the extra you spend while away.

I assume you’re not living together? Then after a few months you would be more than reasonable going on holiday with just you and your kids.
You could even say about booking a holiday together a different time.
Unless she already assumes she’s coming with you then you can’t really plan it without her.

It sounds like you can afford to pay for her and it seems like the relationship is going really well, so if I was you I’d offer to pay for her and her children.
If I was her I’d be very grateful and pay you back in instalments.

The trouble is with such a big difference in wages is that if this relationship is going to last this will probably happen quite often, so you need to decide whether you are comfortable with this.
I would be uncomfortable not being able to pay my way so maybe a conversation is needed to see if this is going to stop the relationship from working.

I tend to agree with pp’s about introducing children to a new partner too soon but that ship has sailed and you are where you are.

I think if nothing is booked then on this occasion I would take only your dc. The reason for this is that if the relationship progresses as you hope this may be their last holiday with just you. I think it would be nice to give them that.

Theoretically I don’t think that you are wrong to offer to pay. If the relationship does progress and there is such a large disparity of income that is going to have to be the case moving forward.

I do have slight concerns about your focus on money though and it might be worth considering whether you are comfortable with this moving forward. I know your friends have made you think about this in further depth, but you chose to tell them that you were funding the trip. It would never have come up in a conversation before dh and I were married (and in those days he paid for most of our holidays, not because I couldn’t afford it but because we saw each other as partners and it would all even out in the end). You also mentioned in a previous post something along the lines of what if it doesn’t work out and I have spent money on her. I found that quite telling.

I’m not wanting to pick on you at all and I certainly wouldn’t criticise you for either paying or not at this stage. After all, it has only been 10 months. But I would urge you to have a serious look at whether you truly are happy with the income disparity. You may love her, but resentment can do a lot of damage to a relationship.

@Farwest yes it may be judgemental but I've been the child in that situation and it's not nice at all. Children have no say really in these things, particularly in who lives in their house and it's really uncomfortable and unpleasant to have a man you aren't related too and so t know very well to be in your house (which should be your safe place). Not to mention seeing them in bed, the bathroom etc.

And them when the relationship goes wrong to never see them again and have no say in that either. And if other children are involved then to never see them again either.

It is difficult to have a relationship as a single parent (I'm in that position myself) but you just have to use baby sitters or see them infrequently until the children are a bit older). It's crap but it is what it is.

It would be a massive red flag to me that your partner has introduced 2 or 3 previous partners to her child. I'm surprised it's not to you.

I am someone who waits a couple of years to introduce my DC to a new partner but if OPs child is 10 then I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag as they could have been a couple years apart easily.

@LuaDipa

Thanks, I do also have a holiday booked with just me and my kids.

You asked if you were being taken advantage of. That was answered early on in thread. And as AIBU threads tend to go PPs are then bringing in other stuff about introducing DCs etc when that ship has sailed and wasn't up for debate.

I think it was obvious why you asked. You mentioned your friends has said something.

I would forget what others think and say, as they are not living your life or your relationship. You already have a holiday planned just you and your DCs

Your partner is an nhs nurse. She earns less as she does a job that benefits the community and will be a hard worker.

If you want a holiday with her that she can't afford, then it's lovely you are planning to pay for it. She doesn't expect it from what you've said, and she does pay her way where she can. I think it's nobody else's business but yours and your DPs. At some point what friends and family think becomes second to what you and your partner think.

I hope you all have a lovely time

@OneForTheRoadThen

I actually don't spend any time at her house. All of our time together is at my house. Although I have been to her house it's not a common occurrence.

I'm very open with my kids, they will ask to do things with just me, often infront of her too, and it's never an issue, they also ask to do things with just her such as "can she take us to the park while you cook dinner" etc. Maybe it's quick by some standards, but it doesn't feel rushed.

@Notwavingbutdrowing3

Thanks. You've summed it up well.

ImMale

Don't feel you have up justify decisions you made about when you intrigued your respective DCs. PPs will always have a range of views on that which is irrelevant if it felt right to you at the time with your specific DCs and Dp's and both your individual situations.

*Introduced, not intrigued!

That was a weird autocorrect

The issue is not the holiday for me, I would be happy to treat her in your situation.

But in the long term would you be happy to support this woman and her child? Would you need a bigger house that she couldn't afford to contribute too? Would you be happy to pay for EVERY holiday and expense?

Men often seem happy with this until a few years later when the resentment kicks in.
She will never be able to keep up with your lifestyle unless you pay.

Sorry OP but I'm another one who thinks it's a bit strange you're worried about your friends judging you for spending money on a pricey holiday that might not be a wise investment if you end up breaking up, but not that they'll judge you for introducing your children to a new girlfriend and her children so soon if you then break up You have very strange priorities!

The holiday is only money, it doesn't matter because you can afford it, whereas your children's longterm well-being doesn't seem to have caused you anywhere near such a dilemma (I'm another one who agrees introducing new partners after only a couple of months is not exactly stellar parenting I'm afraid).

@SpacePotato

No, wouldn't need a bigger house, I have a good size 4 bedroom house.

I guess I want a family life, there are some things where there would be a difference between my kids and hers. Like I've been saving (since before I had kids) to fund my children through university should they go, I don't have the funds to also fund her child.

It's bloody complicated isn't it!

I earn 4 times what my partner does. His kids are adults, mine are still at secondary school. So holidays involve me, my kids and my partner. When we go on holiday together I pay for my kids (so I’d pay for 3 flights and 75% of villa cost), he pays for his own flight and a quarter of villa cost. If we stay in a hotel he pays for his room, I pay for the family room for me and my kids.

There’s no way I’d pay for his entire holiday! Why should I? He earns a wage, and I’m not a charity!

We don’t live together but have been together for 5 years.

I think after the past 16 months you should throw caution to the wind and just do it.
Even if the relationship didn't last which is what all your friends are moaning about at least you did something nice for somebody you have feelings for.
if you have the money available and want to spend the money- do it- it's your money!
You know what works for your family, introducing your girlfriend into it has been a positive change for you and your kids. If their mom doesn't have a problem with it then that's fine.
ignore the judgy sods.

My husband and I were in a similar situation before we were married- he was earning 5/6 times what I was and was happy to pay for everything. But that was what we'd discussed at length, and he assured me he was happy to pay but didn't stop me from paying or contributing if I wanted to.

If you haven't discussed this with your girlfriend and haven't discussed or agreed to any financial compromise then it's odd she's so accepting of you paying. But if you're genuinely happy to pay for this holiday, and would consider discussing money with her to make sure you're on the same page, I can't see why it's wrong.

Go and enjoy your holiday, this place will make you question everything about your life . You have the money, you love her , then go for it

You cant get the money back whether she goes or not sp the questiin os if you broke up whether it would be money well spent.

Personally i think too much is made of sharing money, at its best its a tool for fun so if you can afford it and want it then do it.

Just check kids are happy spending that time sharing you and remember there will be living together challenges

You’re overthinking it.

I massively out earn my husband and regularly paid for things I wanted us to do.

The key is he (a) contributed what he could and (b) never expected me to pay unless I offered.

So if I wanted to go to the lovely Michelin star restaurant that I like then I paid as I wanted to experience it with him.

When he was paying he chose the restaurant.

I paid for us both to go to London to watch cricket for example. He bought lunch when we were there.

I don’t begrudge a penny.

Sometimes it is better for a relationship to take off quickly. Otherwise especially when there are children and other factors there can be such a state of inertia that nothing happens.
You have to take chances sometimes.

My dp paid for me before we lived together because I simply couldn't afford to go otherwise. We all have a budget, it's not being taken advantage of, it's simple economics. If you see a future together then you need to think yourself about the income difference and how you feel

She doesn't seem to have any issues or concerns with me paying for us all.

Of course she doesn’t. Free holiday for her and her kid!! Why would she turn that down?

[quote ImMale]@SpacePotato

No, wouldn't need a bigger house, I have a good size 4 bedroom house.

I guess I want a family life, there are some things where there would be a difference between my kids and hers. Like I've been saving (since before I had kids) to fund my children through university should they go, I don't have the funds to also fund her child.

It's bloody complicated isn't it![/quote]
Well that's lovely OP.
You are in a great position which you retain.

Your house is in your name but could also accommodate your DP & her DS if you ultimately moved in together. There's time to think all these things through. Right now all you ask about is a shared holiday that you want to go on.

If you lived in together given your comments about saving for your DCs uni education costs, the only discrepancy would be that - and this is 8 years from now as you said her DS is 10- if you were living together when her child goes to university, his maintenance entitlement is calculated on total household income - which includes yours if you live together by then . So he won't get full grant allowance as there is expectation that parents/stepparents he lives will can cover a set amount. It doesn't legally require you to, but it makes it all slightly more of a financial hardship for her DC at uni.
Really it's so far away and you and your gf can discuss and make plans of how you will deal with that then. It's not insurmountable. And two adults live cheaper than one, so there will be some savings if you lived in together over the years that could be out towards his uni costs.

Fucking hell.

Are you prone to anxious overthinking, OP?

You've not been concerned that spending every weekend together for the last 8 months is too much for you and your kids or her and hers, but you're suddenly concerned that a holiday you want, that you want her and her child to come on and that you can afford and are happy to pay for bodes ill?

Mate. Just......

Stop with the overthinking and the secret hand wringing over whether or not you're being taken advantage of. If she'd been hinting for a holiday and sending you links, sighing "ahhh, one day" etc and giving you an Oliver Twist routine, you should be hearing alarm bells. But if you're hearing bells right now based on your story, they're as ominous as a fucking ice cream van and you're making a huge deal out of absolutely naught.