To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

I think you are right to be annoyed! I would have expected him to step up and take a sickie. You are a team and he is making it your problem only!

It's all been said but relying on the good will of a grandparent looking after a child isn't fair, whether its your parent or his. And if they choose to help one sibling and not the other that's their choice too, their time their choice. There could be a million reasons why they prefer to look after the other siblings children, perhaps they like the children more perhaps thdy like the adults more, perhaps they don't like you who knows but it's their choice. Leave them living their life as they choose.

I don't think it's wise to chase this client, not clear how frequent your deadlines would be with them but you still do not have a solution so your promise will not be reliable. Missing a deadline indicates poor organisation there is always a way to meet a deadline, starting the work earlier or at the weekend or something I don't know but relying upon the last possible opportunity to meet it is not a strategy for something as important as this and shows poor organisation unfortunately

Taking sickies is not cool, deceitful and costs a business elsewhere.

Make an actual plan, be ready to enact it and then chase contracts.

Pulling a sickie is not the solution and your DH should have pushed back against his sexist employer.

He could offer his employer the choice of being granted emergency dependents leave or him putting a sex discrimination claim in because he's been treated unfavourably due to his sex as it sounds like they wouldn't have told a female employee that her husband should be the default parent in this situation.

But your DH cannot have it both ways with work, location and childcare arrangements, especially as you could have the highest earning potential, given the chance.

If moving near your family will solve a lot of your childcare issues you need to do that, do you can concentrate on building your business and he can find work that fits in with your new situation.

He doesn't get to dictate where you live, go to work and leave all the other juggling and plugging the income gap to you.

How far is the move? Is his work still commutable?

This is how I feel -Well, when you put it like that... Yeah. Its just not ok is it? He wants everything that he had when I was a SAHM along with my financial contribution and to live where he prefers and he's being a total twat. And I'm being a mug. Thank you. It won't be continuing.
My Dh would have taken the day. I can wfh and do mostly with lockdowns and restrictions but when we are homeschooling or have sniffly kids at home I have had zero tolerance of his inclination to waltz out the door the usual time, and he has just about stopped thinking that way.

YABU to rely on an unwilling grandparent for childcare and YABU to expect DH to lie and pull a sickie

You and DH need to sort proper paid, reliable childcare.

Could you do swaps with your SIL for childcare as your kids are similar ages?

There must be a local teenager who would be happy to take your older two out to the park or somewhere. Then get your LO sorted in nursery or with a childminder ASAP and it’s worked out. You can’t expect your husband to use sick leave, if he was found out he would be in big trouble

Would there also be a chance of your parents coming to stay with you for a few days to help lighten the load?

Salvaging the contract might be tough though, you’ve missed one deadline and they may well view your as unreliable now. You’ll need to reassure them you are definitely the woman for the job and now have your family issues sorted.

I do agree with your husband in that you should’ve worked early morning to ensure you met the deadline, I’ve done it while falling asleep at my computer before now. It’s what you have to do to keep your reputation. Then leave him to get the kids up

You see being massively unreasonable towards your mil and sound ungrateful for the massive favour she is doing you having the baby one day a week. As soon as she said she was uncomfortable with 3 you should have put the older two in childcare.

A couple of days of them being at home shouldn’t have lost you the contract though. Many of us had to work with small children at home during lockdown. It is horrible and the only way round it was to work awful hours so I don’t think your husband’s suggestion of 5am was unreasonable. Its what I had to do with a 1yo last year and it’s what I’ll have to do again if she has to isolate for any reason. It sounds like you gave up on the deadline a bit too easily if you weren’t prepared to work odd hours to get the work done.

As for your husband, he does have to help and can’t expect you to do it all. If he drives and you don’t then he should be doing ferrying to holiday clubs if you can’t.

angeldelight she's breastfeeding a baby through the night. Getting up early isn't really realistic.

The op could night wean the baby. And sort their sleep out. It’s over a year. That would help.

@PersonaNonGarter

OP, do you think you did everything you could to get the client?

This. If it rested on the hours of just one day’s work could those hours have been done at other times? I’ve pulled all nighters on many occasions to meet work deadlines. Yes it meant ‘catch up’ in all areas around this, but it meant what was necessary to do for work at that point was done.

I don’t agree with sickies to cover childcare. This sort of absence has impact on others. It’s also contractually risky. Childcare is a joint commitment from both of you in terms of expense and needs to be planned.

Your MIL’s decisions are her own, equity across children doesn’t have to come into it. 8 hours with 3 children, including a breastfed baby is very hard work. Why should she spend two days or 40% of her week doing free childcare? That’s not any automatic role of a grandparent.

Your husband must have been devastated to lose his job. I’d imagine now he’s doing everything to keep this one and show good attitude to be able to progress to even maybe progress to his former salary. Sickies could impact on this and he’d know there’d be less overall security for the family.

You didn't need childcare for all 3, you needed care for the 1 year old. The 6 year old could have a day of TV in an emergency or book them into a holiday club like everyone else does. The ten year old should be able to entertain themself and know not to disturb you.

When my kids were small I had 2 in nursery which took my entire wage less 150 quid. It was annoying working for almost nothing but it was worth it for the medium term in terms of building up continuity of service, professional reputation etc.

The annoying bit is that your DH doesn't seem to see childcare sourcing as his responsibility at all. However you are being unreasonable in trying to cover this without actually paying for childcare like every other family does.

It's not appropriate for him to take sick leave, however it should be expected that he helps you out when needed. This is an occasion that he should have taken unpaid dependents leave; one day wasn't going to break the bank for the sake of £1,600 per month. He didn't do it because he wanted to exert his power in that situation, and because he could.

I used to have one like that, I got rid of him when I finally opened my eyes to see that he was dragging me down instead of supporting me to soar.

Pay for childcare like most people have to. You sound very entitled. You had the children so don't expect others to look after them for you.

What happens at weekends, OP? I somehow suspect that you're still doing more than half the childcare...

Can you lock yourself in a room for the whole day on Saturday coming out only for lunch like so many fathers I know did whilst their wife juggled home schooling and work and get a chunk of work done then? If you are disturbed on Saturday, then you need to do the same on Sunday until you've achieved your solid chunk of work time. If you can't make your family respect the locked door, then check into a hotel for 2 nights. (Taxi over early)

The space and time will give you a fighting chance.
And it might push sorting childcare higher up DH's priority list when it starts affecting him...

If you still have further work on that contract to do, I'd start that this weekend. You lost a day of work because MIL let you down. Well he needs to give you that working day back.

And if DH complains, then feel free to get really pissed off. Yes, it will be hard work for him when he'd like to be relaxing. But he expects you to do that whilst you're working

Suspect you would only need to do the hotel nights once.

You could also point out how little it would add to your workload if he did it.

I do agree that MIL doesn't have to provide childcare just because she does for her other GC, but to say that you will & then not do it is awful.

It sounds as if she couldn't be relied on even to be back up in an emergency.

Is there nowhere near to your parents that your husband would consider moving?

I sympathise with the position your in. I run a business with my husband and it can be all consuming. The pressure is different to being employed and it is hard for those who have never done it to completely understand.
I had just had a baby and also a 2 yr old when we started, husband was working 13 hrs 5 days a week, I was doing all the paperwork, invoicing, banking and then covering the week ends whilst doing the kids thing.
We did it like this for 6 yrs before we got our first employee, it took another three yrs to have enough employees for us to actually be able to reduce some of our hours. This then actually increased staff as we then not only looked after the customer and business needs but also staffs needs, which at times left us high and dry for various reasons as not all staff worked out well.
My long winded point is that when your on your own you don't have the luxury of pleading a family emergency like your husband suggests as clients would go elsewhere (we lost one when they could get work completed by husband as he was ill with chicken pox, when the customer realised he was too ill to attend work he clearly stated that he wasnt waiting and he would never come back). You also dont have statutory rights, you will always have the fear factor about money coming in etc.
We always had to fit the family life in around the business thats including the kids as we didn't have the help we needed either. It is easier now that the kids are older but it has been brutal and peoples lack of awareness of running your own show doesnt help.
But please dont ask your husband to pull a sickie, thats not fair. Yes he is lucky to have sickleave, holidays and other statutory rights but this is not what they are for.
Speaking as someone who has been there OP it is stressful but that is the nature of going it alone, I have seen a few people give it all up and go back to employment for reasons like this. There are no straight forward answers even from someone who has been through something similar bit you do just have to manage. 12 yrs later still managing, still married and I do sometimes wonder how the hell I've managed!!!!

OP,

I just want to say that you sound driven, talented and EPIC.

Achieving what you have with 3 small children, limited help and an unsupportive husband is incredible.

In my experience, even situations where you do have backup and supportive partners, having work responsibilities always throws up stress and feelings of inadequacy sometimes.

You're dealing with so much more. Hats off to you.

On a practical note - it's not childcare as such, but do you have a local Facebook group? As you're home, you could advertise for an older teen / uni student to come and play with the children for a few hours a day - they wouldn't be responsible for the children but could free up some time for you to get some work done.

*So only DH has a god given right to have his children looked after while HE works?

And it's just fine and reasonable for grandparents to give childcare to one set of grandchildren but not the other? And to agree to it then cancel at late notice two weeks in a row and drop you in it because they don't see being self employed as a job with commitments?*

You are entitled to childcare, your DH should care for his children while you work, in the same way you do for him. Or you pay for childcare while you work. Having children does mean taking a hit on your household income, it’s all part of it.

It may grate but you’re not entitled to childcare from grandparents no matter what they do for other people. You had time after they cancelled the first week to do the work to meet the contract, either at the weekends or evenings when your DH could look after the kids and sort the house.

Wow some people are harsh. Yes OP getting your DH to pill a sickie wasn't the best plan but he needs yo take 50% responsibility in parenting. It sounds like he doesn't.
Expecting uou to work around parenting/ caring for your children is fine if he does the same.
Sirry this is a sensitive issue as I have realised that if you don't nip this behaviour in the bud you will always be the go to parent.
I remember as a SAH I did the night waking because I didn't work for example. Roll on several years and I am still doing virtually everything.
Yesterday I was out working in a physical job part time self employed) and I found no evidence of DH doing much on his day off apart from sorting the man cave. Apparently he checked on the kids by shouting down. I came home for lunch to two hungry kids. They have some SEN and anxiety issues and won't ask DAD. Time sbd time again I say he needs to be proactive but he never is really. Don't make the same mistake OP.

Long term solutions are all well and good and needed, but on a really practical note- in that type of situation I have used sitters.co.uk to get someone in. The cost for the day would be £70-100 depending on number of hours. Yes it won’t be someone you know but before everyone gets their knickers in a twist they would be looking after the kids while you are in the house so it’s really low risk. And needs must. Have done this e.g when kid not allowed at child minders and I really couldn’t take the day off.

You need a plan and back up for the plan.

Hope that helps.

Getting appropriate childcare in place will be much better than moving. I don’t think I’d be impressed if my adult children moved back closer because they expected me to be the free childcare. In an emergency yes but not daily because they don’t want to pay for it.

I think it’s unreasonable to ask/expect someone to pull a sickie. Difficult situation though.