To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Having been self-employed and raised two children while doing it, I can only say that I would absolutely have got up at 5am to finish the work that would earn me 1600 per month. Tired or not.

Would your DH have done the night feedings and also been up at 5am to care for the kids so you could actually work? Doesn't sound like OP's husband did. Perhaps she didn't ask him, maybe being really exhausted/over-stretched stopped her seeing possible ways to get it done, or it just over-whelmed her.

Disasters are rarely due to one thing going wrong: there are almost always multiple failings on top of each other (like layers of Swiss cheese - you only fall through if the holes on each layer line up) . DH not stepping up was one problem, MIL letting them down was another, exhaustion was another. I think it's a really shitty to suggest that OP just didn't work hard enough. She's the one working hardest from what I can see!

If this happened again, and DH again isn't willing to pull the stops out when needed, eg doing everything at the weekend so OP could get some solid time in, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

@quizqueen

Why have a third child if you cannot afford one? Why bid for new contracts if you don't have the time to do the work!

Oh, for fuck's sake. Why not read the thread before asking such horrific questions about someone's actual real life child?

Not that I should have to justify her existence to a twat:

1. I've explained elsewhere baby 3 was a big shock, had a coil for lots of reasons including a neurological illness and beginning a career again and there's quite a big age gap with my older 2.

1. She was born at the beginning of lockdown and unless you've missed the last 18 months many people's financial circumstances changed drastically due to current events. I've already explained what happened to DH's job as a result

Crawl back in your hole. Vile.

Childcare is a parental responsibility, not the role of grandparents. You can’t just assume they should do it, and that they should want to do it! It’s down to both you and DH to sit down and decide how best to handle childcare going forward.make a plan, agree what is going to work for you as a family. Stop assuming you have a god given right to expect grandparents to take your children off your hands, and that your OH should take a sickie to look after the kids while you work.

I think you should have taken yourself off alone at 8am and disappeared to secret workspace till 8pm leaving him to resolve the childcare issue however he sees fit. He could tell his employer he has no one available to look after the children and obviously can’t leave them alone.

Everyone I know has informal childcare relationships with their parents and I didn't realise this was such a crime on Mumsnet. My sister does, my SIL does, and all my friends too.

This brings home to me that my normal is not most other people’s. We live in London, moved here after University like most of our friends. I only have one friend whose Mum lives near her, because she was born and brought up here. The rest of us have parents hundreds of miles away, or in different countries and continents. None of us had kids under 35 so a lot of us have parents who are both far away and elderly (mine are actually dead but would have been 800 miles away if still alive). Parents as childcare providers is really not a thing at all in my social circle.

Yanbu

But an alternative if your dps are available is to go and stay with your parents if your Work is not location dependent.

I would drive more relocation discussions on the back of this.

@Tallisimo

Childcare is a parental responsibility, not the role of grandparents. You can’t just assume they should do it, and that they should want to do it! It’s down to both you and DH to sit down and decide how best to handle childcare going forward.make a plan, agree what is going to work for you as a family. Stop assuming you have a god given right to expect grandparents to take your children off your hands, and that your OH should take a sickie to look after the kids while you work.

So only DH has a god given right to have his children looked after while HE works?

And it's just fine and reasonable for grandparents to give childcare to one set of grandchildren but not the other? And to agree to it then cancel at late notice two weeks in a row and drop you in it because they don't see being self employed as a job with commitments?

OK. If you say so.

£1600 per month would be nursery fees for 1 baby and 1 3/4 year old getting the 30 hours funded childcare where I live. Thereby opening the door for you to work.

YABU to blame this on MIL. You need paid childcare and it's a family cost so paid from the joint income pot, not your income alone. It's up to you and DH as a team to sort it, including paying for it. He is BU to point blank refuse to move nearer your family I think. Family is really useful if they are willing to have DC when they are poorly and nursery/school won't take them.

I also earn equal to DH despite working part time. It has been interesting training him to recognize his role in that if I have a deadline which means I have to work on a usually non working day, i.e. he has to do some childcare cover on one of his work days. Luckily he is wfh so usually can do an hour or two of letting DC sit with him and watch the tablet. Luckily I can normally use that hour or two to do what's needed.

I hope things work out for you OP

So only DH has a god given right to have his children looked after while HE works?

Well clearly. Because he has a penis.

YANBU. It's shitty, and you've been really let down.

Childcare is not the grandparents responsibility, however it seems DH has opted out of his part of coordinating his children and left it to you.

In your shoes I’d look after the children during the day and the moment he returns drive round to his parents and work alone in a quiet bedroom space till 9pm leaving him to coordinate tea and bedtime with the children. He can give the baby yogurt and formula or expressed milk until your return

You sound so entitled. Sick leave isn't to take when you need to look after your own children, it's for when you are sick. Pay for childcare like everyone else.

I really admire you getting to a place where you set up your business and are earning well, and winning new contracts. Especially when your dh list his job and things must have been very tight. However, YABU for seeing this as a binary option MIL v move house. You don’t say whether you live rurally or not, but I strongly recommend you get yourself a regular babysitter/mother’s help who would have greater availability in the summer months. I believe it’s really important to invest in those support networks so you always have plan b for when parents in law are in holidays or unavailable. Would you not have had a school mum or neighbour to call upon in a case like this? For the project work, presumably you can work your own hours as long as the work is done, so it might be a case your dh does the evenings while you work. When I returned to work after marriage broke up, I very unwillingly got an au pair because I needed a solution. Then a childminder, and am now on childminder #2. The summers are a killer financially. When you have the sit down chat with your dh, look at your incomes together and work our a plan that enables you to grow your business. Take the long view - earnings, pension contributions, - not just what’s practical now. Decide on a timeline for the baby to go to nursery and how that will be paid. I wish you every success, personally and professionally, but please discard the tunnel vision about moving to closer to your family which I imagine would be very disruptive to your school-age children

@Candyfloss99

You sound so entitled. Sick leave isn't to take when you need to look after your own children, it's for when you are sick. Pay for childcare like everyone else.

You sound like you can't read. So 🤷‍♂️

Have you spelt it out to DH what he’s actually asking. Getting up at 5am, working while looking after the children, working while they are asleep, feeding baby through the night, repeat.

He could have just taken unpaid leave or emergency leave, he will have some entitlement

OP, do you think you did everything you could to get the client? Surely the question "do you think you are doing enough to support your wife and look after your children?" Be asked to the husband?

@olivianewtandjohn

Yes it would be very disruptive to them and its pretty much the only reason I haven't insisted on it. The desire to move is not driven only by childcare of course. I have physical health issues that I sometimes need support for and it's extremely awkward asking for this support from in-laws, like childcare whilst attending hospital etc. I have also struggled with my mental health this past year and a half and well who hasn't, but I really have felt that when the shit hit the fan I didnt have anyone here for me and it was a bit scary. I have always had a lovely relationship with my in-laws but it was very clear at a few points that they just aren't mine and my family have felt very helpless and distant at times through lockdowns etc. I don't have any good friends round here either. I'm sure in mumsnet books thats all my fault and its entitled to want support and all that. But oh well.

Baby will definitely be going to nursery and DH will be taking holiday to help for the rest of the holidays and MIL is relieved of her duties immediately.

OP all the practical issues aside, I think it's incredibly frustrating that women are the default parent... and this is what's happened here.
I always say it... as long as we have a uterus, there will NEVER be gender equality

I think your DH is being a dick. One sickie isn’t too much to ask especially when he’s refusing to move somewhere you can have child support you obviously need and even bigger dick expecting you to get up at 5am to do your work and childcare.

Agree in-laws don’t owe child support, though I understand how hard it is when family don’t help.

Your DH is obviously putting all the childcare on you when it’s his responsibility too. He dose not sound very supportive of you at all.

I think asking him to pull a sickie was unreasonable.

Asking him to help you find a solution was not - you're not the only parent, and it sounds like you were the only person trying to deal with the sudden lack of childcare.

Sympathies to you OP. Could you get your DP to drive the older kids up to your parents for a week or 2? Was just thinking this could lessen the load currently. Sounds like a lot of things have happened and everyone’s just trying to make it work.

Look to the long term. With kids u always need an emergency plan. In my old PT job (3days per week) it was always DH because I had long commute, inflexible work with big impact if people cancel at last min (DH earnt twice as much as me but took all emergency leave - eg childminder/relative sick if it fell on my work day). Relatives do childcare for us, but we say that we will cover if they have any short notice issues, appts, holidays etc - as they are helping us out massively.

I’d give DH an ultimatum - either he steps up with childcare - he can arrange it to cover your work days (get them set regularly); or move closer to your family (but obviously need to make sure both u and DH would have jobs in that location). How is he with helping with the other stuff - eg - could he look after the kids on weekends or evenings while you work? Could he do some night wakings - will baby take bottle (formula or expressed)?

Sometimes I’m sure the MRA’s have infiltrated this forum. Of course your H should have taken a sick day as a one off in the circumstances. His work would have been minorly inconvenienced but you have potentially lost a large chunk of your household income. Your H needs to seriously reevaluate how he thinks about responsibility for the children because he clearly thinks they are your ‘problem’.

Your MIL just is reinforcing this belief that women are the ones responsible for children by helping out with SIL kids and begrudging your family the same support. She sees it as helping her daughter. Your childcare issues are your problem, not her sons problem. I would tell MIL about the problems she has caused.

@Crikeycroc

Sometimes I’m sure the MRA’s have infiltrated this forum. Of course your H should have taken a sick day as a one off in the circumstances. His work would have been minorly inconvenienced but you have potentially lost a large chunk of your household income. Your H needs to seriously reevaluate how he thinks about responsibility for the children because he clearly thinks they are your ‘problem’.

Your MIL just is reinforcing this belief that women are the ones responsible for children by helping out with SIL kids and begrudging your family the same support. She sees it as helping her daughter. Your childcare issues are your problem, not her sons problem. I would tell MIL about the problems she has caused.

No, he should have asked for unpaid dependant leave to sort out his emergency childcare arrangements.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/whats-an-emergency

Taking sick leave when you're not actually sick is taking the piss. I'd say that, regardless of gender.

I hope you get to move closer to your support base. Your children will notice the favouritism where you are now which isn’t nice for them. Good luck OP 🌸

I don’t know what’s wrong with so many pp.

The OP is absolutely trying to do her best in a shitty situation.

She has said she’s trying to line up paid childcare and if MIL has let her down 2 weeks in a row that’s shit of MIL, regardless of whether it’s unpaid.

When you sack MIL off I would be tempted to tell her what her unreliability has cost your family , but I appreciate it’s probably more politic to keep the peace.

You sound like you have worked amazingly hard to have achieved as much as you have. Definitely time for some hard conversations with DH about ring fencing proper working time for you and him taking on more of the physical and mental load when he isn’t working.

I hope you manage to get your contract back - if you admitted your childcare emergency and told me you had put alternatives in place to ensure it shouldn’t happen again, I would hope most people would be prepared to give you a second chance.

Was this contract out of the ordinary , or it is possible that you could find a similar one?