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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

312 replies

LizzieLookAtTheFlowers · 28/07/2021 21:10

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/07/2021 17:55

stayed up til 4am and finished my work.

Oh God love you OP 😭

I've had to do this before & the bone-crushing tiredness is awful, I can't imagine with a 1 yo. I hope you're ok.

Well done on rescuing the project, I hope this gives you breathing space to figure out a plan.

Hopefully there are some green shoots of hope in terms of DH's behaviour. He needs to see this as a joint responsibility & a joint plan taking account of both your jobs.

Bunnycat101 · 29/07/2021 18:51

Well done on salvaging the contract. Unfortunately the 4am type working arrangements are fairly common for people with children and a deadline. Just try to take care of yourself and get some rest over the next few days.

Are you sure you can’t find any holiday clubs? I’m in an area where there is still availability (appreciate that is quite variable though). Even if you could get them into something that is more of a 2-3 activity rather than all day childcare it would help.

Birminghambloke · 29/07/2021 20:44

Well done for salvaging the contract. You did it! Like it sounds you do everything!! Those all nighters are so so tough. Definitely a chat with DH. Glad he started to research other jobs/ ways forward. That’s a good sign of realisation. I’d predict MIL situ is exhaustion- however the time available to do childcare could be split between both children. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Starseeking · 29/07/2021 21:04

@billy1966

OP, I just want to say that I can only imagine how difficult life must be, juggling all of that whilst being married to a selfish prick.

You are obviously a very, very quiet woman to be carrying such a heavy load and also a waster like that.

You can do better.

If your business is portable, look at moving to near your family an dump the selfis loser who thinks everything is down to you.

Life will be easier.

Flowers

All of this.

Well done on salvaging the contract with the client, and hopefully your DH won't let you down again...

SaltySheepdog · 29/07/2021 21:34

Good to her the deals been salvaged.

Best look after the kids 100% during the day and leave the moment he walks in the house to complete your own work in some WiFi cafe type workspace. Leave him to do tea/bedtime/baths.

SaltySheepdog · 29/07/2021 21:36

So he works 7-3 and you work 3-10 both without kids in tow

SaltySheepdog · 29/07/2021 21:38

Or he works 8-4 and you work 5-9

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2021 00:17

Well done on salvaging it. Time to take no prisoners in standing up for yourself at home- I tell dh that if I’m the only person in this marriage looking out for me then I bloody well will look after myself.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/07/2021 00:42

you chose to have children - your inlaws are not obliged to provide childcare, nor is your husband's employer obliged to subsidise it by paying your husband to be "off sick" when he is taking childcare.
OK to use his annual leave, or request unpaid parental leave - not to defraud his employer.
If you don't have to interact with the client, is working in the evening an option?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/07/2021 05:14

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

You do need a better plan long term but just for once I think he should have taken a day off. Even if it had to be unpaid. Mums often have to say 'childcare emergency' in these situations. Dads often seem to think It shouldn't fall on them as mum is default parent.

You will have to pay for childcare but it should come from both of you. How about you both drop a day and work four days, to cut down the cost?

I think YANBU to ask him as a one off to stay home and look after your mutual DC. Not as a sickie, it would be carers leave or unpaid leave here.
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/07/2021 05:50

@GoldBar

At the weekends if he's off work, I think you need to be out of the house by 7am to the nearest cafe with wifi to do your work. Don't talk to him about it, just leave. And text to say you'll be back at 7pm. Treat those as your "work days" until he can be bothered to discuss a sensible plan for childcare with you.

If you don't get any downtime (alongside hardly any sleep), neither does he.

Well done for rescuing the work... now give yourself a couple of uninterrupted child-free days this weekend to make a start on it.

Good idea. Until sometime else can be sorted he's on childcare duty on the weekends while you work.
NewPapaGuinea · 30/07/2021 06:56

As a one off pulling the sickie would have been reasonable to win the £1600pm contract and longer term that £1600 would easily cover future childcare.

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 07:18

Well done for salvaging that contract.
You are some woman.

It is clear from your post that your in law's are not reliable, their choice and your husband is a shockingly poor and really doesn't have your back.

I would be very wary of living where you do with health issues, with a man like that.

The combination of covid, new unexpected baby, work, chronic lack of sleep would take most people down, but still you have limped on without support.

Take a good hard look at your marriage because id you were my daughter I would want you near family and friends who could support you.

He is a disgrace.
Flowers

DolphinFC · 30/07/2021 07:32

Bloody hell look at the vote!

About half think the people at your DH's work should have to work harder to make your life easier!

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 30/07/2021 07:36

Why on earth did you have a 3rd child if you can’t afford childcare for the 2 you already have?

YABU expecting your DH to have a sick day so you can work. He’s right, if this was so important to you, you’d of done it early morning or late evening to ensure it came off.

Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 07:40

She had a coil fail @Willwebebuyingnumber11

Porcupineintherough · 30/07/2021 07:42

YABU about the sickie, YANBU about much else. Your dh needs to pull his weight wrt childcare (arranging or providing) to create regular, reliable slots in which you can work (and not after you've spent a whole day looking after the kids either).

And, together, you do need to factor paid childcare into the equation.

horseymum · 30/07/2021 08:18

My dd has been looking after some kids this week for a friend while she works, at their house so not full responsibility. Would that work for a short term solution, to have a teenager come in? I wouldn't have my dd look after a one year old but maybe an older teen could.

Lolacat1234 · 30/07/2021 08:19

I don't think you are being all that unreasonable in expecting him to step up in what was a childcare emergency. I know everyone's saying you need to sort out regular childcare, but in this situation it appears you had childcare so you could work but for whatever reason it fell through and you were left with no childcare and a deadline to meet. It's not unreasonable to expect your OH to take a days unpaid emergency childcare leave (it's a legal thing, available to everyone with childcare responsibilities) so that you could work.

I also think it's sexist and unfair to expect the everything to fall to you as the woman, I have this too as I work from home, we need both our incomes to pay the mortgage but time and again I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it.

I feel for you and I would be very annoyed he was so short sighted in this situation and couldn't see that one days unpaid leave was worth a potential £1600 a month contract for you.

Fruityfriday · 30/07/2021 08:39

Can't you put the little one in childcare and keep the eldest 2 at home with you ? A10 and 8 yr old are quite self sufficient?

user1483387154 · 30/07/2021 08:43

You both should have organised childcare, a babysitter or something for the day.

CarrotVan · 30/07/2021 09:12

It’s better yo move before your 10 yo starts secondary school so now is the time

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 09:42

He’s right, if this was so important to you, you’d of done it early morning or late evening to ensure it came off
It was important to the family as he's not earning enough money now to be all "I'm the man so my works the most important". The bank doesn't care who earned the money to pay the mortgage as long as it's paid.
You must have missed the bit where OP explained she's already doing everything, including night wakings with the baby she had because her husband chose to have sex with her and her contraception failed.
YABU to defend the man at all and every cost.
OP isn't in this alone but some people like to try to pretend that she is.

Redlorryellow · 30/07/2021 10:34

Can’t believe the replies here. Yes he should have taken a sickie to look after his kids in a one off emergency. Never mind all the “shoulds and shouldnts”. The company don’t care about him at the end of the day, and a sickie likely wasn’t going to cripple them or stop them doing business. In the long term maybe a reorg of childcare is due but in this case I’d have pulled the sickie no questions asked.

FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 11:44

It’s so hard op. He needs to be pulling his weight more and finding a new job so all pressure isn’t on you all the time. I hope it gets better for you soon.

It’s crap that you’ve been let down by people you thought you could rely on.

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