To expect DH to take a day off so I can work

[LizzieLookAtTheFlowers]

I am self employed and WFH. My husband is employed out of the home. Both our incomes are necessary to survive but DH earns more than me. I just won a new contract that means our incomes will be roughly equal even though I work part time and he works full time.

We live near DH's parents and far from my family. His parents are reluctant to provide childcare but do once a week. Begrudgingly. They don't want to look after our children in the holidays as its all 3 not just the baby. I have asked to move near my family but DH doesn't want to as he dislikes the area they live in. Even though I would have a lot of support and childcare.

I have had some tough deadlines this week and absolutely no childcare as MIL booked appts and wouldn't have the children. I asked DH if he could take a day off to look after the kids, would need to be sick leave as he can't take holiday at last minute. He has taken no sick leave in over a year. He wouldn't do it. I missed my deadline and lost the contract that is worth £1,600 per month to us and he is blaming me for not getting up at 5am every day to finish it. And wants me to lie to my client that we had a family emergency and ask for mercy.

I am breastfeeding our baby and up all through the night. I get very little sleep anyway and she wouldn't sleep if I am not in bed she wakes up crying if I go to the loo. If I got up at 5am she would just be up with me. And do I really have to look after kids all day on my own, snatch moments to work during babies native in the say then work when they are in bed, breastfeed all night and get up at 5am to work too? While he gets to go to work and have his kids looked after 11 hours a day without a care in the world?

We cannot really afford childcare it would eat into our earnings and make me working pointless.

In short AIBU to have expected my DH to pull a sickie to look after his kids so I could work to secure a contract that means financial stability for us long term? Especially because its his mum who has refused us childcare. Is it my problem because I'm self employed and he gets precedence because he has an employer?

Au Pair op?

@KarmaStar

Au Pair op?

Au pairs shouldn’t look after babies

More older school children

An emergency one off childcare day would be £50 ish , wouldn’t that have been worth the £1500 a month???

Was it a year-long contract? That refusal by your DH to be default parent for one-day has cost your family just under £20k. Has he acknowledged that?

Your husband must have been devastated to lose his job. I’d imagine now he’s doing everything to keep this one and show good attitude to be able to progress to even maybe progress to his former salary. Sickies could impact on this and he’d know there’d be less overall security for the family.

And the OP would also like to progress to a better income too... infact she managed to increase her income by £20k/yr... if only DH would have recognised her as an equal contributor to the family income and stepped up domestically for one day. Ensuring security for the family in this case meant him sorting out the kids.

Yes, asking for flexibility at work can impact your career... but families decide the woman should do it all the time because the man apparently has better prospects. Only in this case it's the OP who has better prospects (both immediately with the £20k contract, and in the future if she increases from PT to FT.)

You need to work on your back bone. Of course he wanted to go to work instead of staying home and looking after the kids. So you get your laptop or whatever and head out FORCING him to step up.

And yeah, like noone has ever pulled a sickie when not actually sick before... We all have.

And of course she should expect her mil to stick to the arrangement when she said she would watch the kids. I bet she would have dropped the appointments if her dh had called and said the OP has fucked off and left him with the kids.

And why shouldn't she be bitter about the mil child care thing?
She wants to move to live near her family so she is more supported. DH doesn't want to. He doesn't want to support her either. He just wants her to fucking sit at home even though she could earn the same part time. Thats not a good enough excuse though is it? that would step on his fucking idiotic selfish toes.

Lie to the client, try to get the contract and leave the house when it suits you like your dh has been doing.
and don't you dare listen to all of the cunting idiots preaching 'your a shit mom' 🙄 you aren't. your dh is a shit husband though. and a selfish father putting his own needs (with regards to moving and working) before the needs of his entire family.

Force him to help. He forced you. It didn't take much force but he still did. You wanted to work, he left and forced you to miss your deadline. That is fucking shitty and I would seriously stop cooking his meals and washing his clothes. Get a black bag and put all the shit he leaves around in there instead of putting it away. Fuck him. don't fucking help him if he wouldn't help you.
I bet you any money he has taken a sick day before without actually being sick. Has he?

You sound very tired, OP .

This is not only your problem, it is your DH's too. You cannot be expected to work from home and care for 3 children at the same time.

You need to bat the ball right back into his court and refuse to do a single hour's work while you're "on duty" with the kids.

If you work in the evenings or at night, he needs to be at home doing all the chores and night wake ups.

You need at least 5-6 hours sleep at night. Yes, that's not really enough but any less for more than a few days is not sustainable and you will have a breakdown, especially since your sleep is already interrupted.

If he's not prepared to facilitate you earning and you can't get by on his income, he needs to take a second job in the evenings and at weekends.

He is expecting you to work/do childcare 24/7 with very little sleep and no downtime. While he gets a full night's sleep and time to concentrate on his work.

OP, you are getting such a hard time on here, as if your not getting enough of a kicking in real life.
So many posters either haven't read your posts, have extremely poor reading comprehension or simply can't see past their own bias. Your doing the right thing not taking what they say to heart.
You're being seriously let down by your husband here, at a great cost to the whole family. He can't have all things all ways and if he really thinks thats his right then the question is "what is the point of him"?
Hope you get this sorted

YANBU at all.
Your husband should have found a way to have the day off, sickie or otherwise.
MIL obviously doesn't have to do childcare but if she's specifically said she will do certain days then she should do it. I wouldn't do much for them anymore but I can be vindictive.
Push to move nearer your family, your needs are as important as your husband's wants.

BTW, DH sounds like a selfish bastard and you can do better than someone who expects you to work and do all childcare 24/7. I'm sure he has some good points but this definitely doesn't show him in a good light.

I think you need to set some serious boundaries. Tell your DH your working hours are between 8am and 8pm at night. You will work for that portion of the time that you have childcare during those hours. You will not work before 8am or after 8pm since you need downtime/sleep given you're dealing with 2 kids and a baby. You're not a slave or a robot. I'm actually fucking furious on your behalf.

As a grandparent and getting older. I don’t have the energy or confidence to now look after a 1 year old. I have arthritis unfortunately. When I was even 10 years younger, I had so much more energy. Could your MIL have just run out of energy? I expect she feels she can’t let down her daughter. Daughters have a way of getting you to do things!

Your DH needs to have the mindset you are a team. Helping each other get through this difficult time. I hope all goes well.

I just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job OP under really difficult circumstances.
You have 3 children including a new baby in lockdown which is more than enough to cope with let alone your own business and health difficulties too. Firstly you need to cut yourself some slack.

Please don’t listen to some of these vile and ignorant posts. You have received some good advice here and I’m pleased to see you have a plan going forward and more confidence to stand up to your DH. He needs to shape up or ship out as far as I can see, he is not being supportive. You need your own support bubble around you and I hope you do consider moving to be nearer your loved ones.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in these circumstances asking your DH to take sick leave as a one off mainly because his employer would not entertain the idea of unpaid leave for childcare reasons.

Please take care and I hope your plan works out.

You have to buy childcare like literally everyone else does. Your parents don't have to do it. You, the working parents, must take responsibility and pay for childcare, rather than squabbling amongst yourselves.

This is why being a working parent is hard - because you spend a lot on childcare. You can't expect everyone else to do it for you for free, or give up on their own work for it.

You're entirely unreasonable. Call a nursery.

@LuxOlente

You have to buy childcare like literally everyone else does. Your parents don't have to do it. You, the working parents, must take responsibility and pay for childcare, rather than squabbling amongst yourselves.

This is why being a working parent is hard - because you spend a lot on childcare. You can't expect everyone else to do it for you for free, or give up on their own work for it.

You're entirely unreasonable. Call a nursery.

Not litereally everyone else does. DH's sister doesn't. My sister doesn't. Just because you did doesn't mean I have any untoward expectations that if his parents can support his sister they can also support him. Or is he less deserving of their support because he's a son and not a daughter?

Nurseries don't take 6 and 10 year olds, do they? And summer childcare is not available at this late stage. So the option is make it through the summer with support from DH and inlaws or just not take the business.

@AnnabelC

As a grandparent and getting older. I don’t have the energy or confidence to now look after a 1 year old. I have arthritis unfortunately. When I was even 10 years younger, I had so much more energy. Could your MIL have just run out of energy? I expect she feels she can’t let down her daughter. Daughters have a way of getting you to do things!

Your DH needs to have the mindset you are a team. Helping each other get through this difficult time. I hope all goes well.

Thanks so much for the insight. Really helpful to hear this from your POV. My DH is much more unassuming than his sister so yes, it's the path of least resistance and least histrionics.

OP,
I just want to say that I can only imagine how difficult life must be, juggling all of that whilst being married to a selfish prick.

You are obviously a very, very quiet woman to be carrying such a heavy load and also a waster like that.

You can do better.

If your business is portable, look at moving to near your family an dump the selfis loser who thinks everything is down to you.

Life will be easier.

@GoldBar

You sound very tired, OP .

This is not only your problem, it is your DH's too. You cannot be expected to work from home and care for 3 children at the same time.

You need to bat the ball right back into his court and refuse to do a single hour's work while you're "on duty" with the kids.

If you work in the evenings or at night, he needs to be at home doing all the chores and night wake ups.

You need at least 5-6 hours sleep at night. Yes, that's not really enough but any less for more than a few days is not sustainable and you will have a breakdown, especially since your sleep is already interrupted.

If he's not prepared to facilitate you earning and you can't get by on his income, he needs to take a second job in the evenings and at weekends.

He is expecting you to work/do childcare 24/7 with very little sleep and no downtime. While he gets a full night's sleep and time to concentrate on his work.

YES I DO NEED A FUCKING BACKBONE. You're so right. After stressing about it and sort of just abandoning myself to being overwhelmed, I sorted myself out last night, stayed up til 4am and finished my work. I lied about Wifi issues to my client and promised it won't happen again. I think I have salvaged it as I got great feedback on my work.

DH must have felt guilty as he sat applying for WFH or local jobs that he's been promising to do for a year all night. And came down at 3am to check I was ok. I'm not happy with him and we have some talking to about how disposable my mental health and time is and how I'm not a robot.

We had a row last weekend as I told him I was going to work and he went for a fucking shower and I had to break up fights, deal with a toddler and prepare snacks. I asked him how many fights he had to break up when he was at the office being given the time and space to work and he compared him leaving the kids to go shower to me showering when he got home from work the day before! Yes, seriously he's that obtuse and blind.

I love him but he needs to sort this out. And I need to, as you say, pick up my laptop and headphones fuck off to somewhere with coffee, brownies and Wifi and leave him to it. I'm absolutely not putting up with it anymore.

It's all been said but relying on the good will of a grandparent looking after a child isn't fair, whether its your parent or his. And if they choose to help one sibling and not the other that's their choice too, their time their choice. There could be a million reasons why they prefer to look after the other siblings children, perhaps they like the children more perhaps thdy like the adults more, perhaps they don't like you who knows but it's their choice. Leave them living their life as they choose.

Are you for real? So it's just ok to have a favourite child, have favourite grandchildren, then give your favourites opportunities for economic advancement and a better start in life and refuse the others because they aren't your chosen ones? It's ok to give one set of kids a nicer relationship and better bond with you, make the other ones feel like sh*t because that's just your prerogative as a grandparent?

What a load of crap. It's not ok, is it? What planet are you on that is simply "fine". It happens, for sure, but it isn't fine or reasonable in the slightest. And it wasn't the question, it was whether DH was unreasonable for not taking the day off to provide childcare for his kids when the arranged childcare fell through.

I can understand your DH’s reluctance to pull a sickie in a fragile employment market, but he really does need to step up and start taking equal parenting responsibilities. How come he gets to focus entirely on his job, leave all the childcare to you, sleep through the night while you feed the baby, expect you to contribute equal income, and choose where you live even though it leaves you with no support network? He needs to start thinking about compromises, you can’t do everything. Even if he couldn’t take time off today, he could have freed up your time earlier by picking up more family duties .

I think you’ve realised that you can’t rely on MIL. The flip side of that is that your husband is going to have to pull a lot more weight at home, so he won’t be able to help out the in-laws with whatever it is he does.

Going forward, the time consuming part of the childcare is the baby. You probably need to get a regular professional childcare arrangement in place, even if just 1 or 2 days pw- settings can sometimes accommodate a child who is already registered with them for changes/ emergencies. Your older children can entertain themselves for some of the time.

I saw some wise advice here once which came too late for decisions I’d already made - it’s easy to think you can’t afford childcare because it eats into your wages so much, but you have to think long-term. You might be working to clear very little income now, but you continuing to work is an investment in your future career. It’s usually harder to get back in to work than to keep it going. And childcare costs should come out of joint income, not just yours.

Is there not a holiday club or childminder that could have taken your older kids and MIL take the baby as usual?

I love him but he needs to sort this out. And I need to, as you say, pick up my laptop and headphones fuck off to somewhere with coffee, brownies and Wifi and leave him to it. I'm absolutely not putting up with it anymore.

Good for you!

And a huge well done for salvaging the contract by delivering an awesome piece of work.

Well done for salvaging the contract.

Now,hand your lovely kids to your husband and let him crack on with his parenting duties while you go for a nap/have some peace.

I’d also refuse to do any jobs that you do around the house that he’s benefiting from if he resists any changes to your current unsustainable situation.

At the weekends if he's off work, I think you need to be out of the house by 7am to the nearest cafe with wifi to do your work. Don't talk to him about it, just leave. And text to say you'll be back at 7pm. Treat those as your "work days" until he can be bothered to discuss a sensible plan for childcare with you.

If you don't get any downtime (alongside hardly any sleep), neither does he.

Well done for rescuing the work... now give yourself a couple of uninterrupted child-free days this weekend to make a start on it.

I'm not defending flakey grandparents (it's not right to say you'll do something and cancel) but considering how exhausting I find my one DC (and I'm a fit and healthy 40-something), my sympathy would be with the grandparent finding 6 DC including 2 babies too much as a responsibility.

Especially if I thought they should be budgeting for childcare really.

Why did you not get up early and leave so he had to deal with it? There is your answer dealing with it all. Just be as selfish as he is being.

You need to use childcare. Look at the longer term thing, kids don't need childcare forever and it's not just you that should be forking out for it. It's a joint expense.