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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why does the sun shine out of son's arses and daughters take all the flack?

166 replies

asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:29

Just had another of increasingly frequent arguments with my very needy elderly mother who I do everything for (and my dad, who's an arsehole to me, and her) and who is getting more and more demanding with age and circumstances (both of them have increasingly frail health).

Meanwhile my twat of a brother is sunning himself on holiday.

In the course of the argument which started about the cost of a Ring doorbell and that I had better run that by my brother because it's so expensive (we are both in our 40s, this is my parents house and their money and she doesn't trust my judgement on picking this for them, it needs the okay from twatface????) she then mentions how said twat was so wonderful when she was ill and she won't forget that.

What she never remembers is that the occasion she was referring to she was so ill she was out of it for a week at least and doesn't know it was me visiting her at home daily and eventually me taking the decision to drive her to A&E, me who sat with her for 24 hours until she was eventually properly admitted, and then I finally went home. It just so happens when she first opened her eyes in hospital it happened to be him she saw first on his first appearance in the whole saga and therefore she believes he saved her life!

Is it just my mother who thinks her wonderful twat of a son can do no wrong while her daughter who actually does everything is lower than the sole of her shoe?

OP posts:
RogueV · 28/07/2021 14:31

My mother is the same.

Boys rule Hmm

nonevernotever · 28/07/2021 14:31

Sorry - probably not just your mother, but it certainly isn't all mothers. My mother certainly has DB pegged accurately.

MeadowLines · 28/07/2021 14:32

Im sorry that sounds really hard to deal with. My in laws are the opposite though, the youngest dd can do no wrong and is financially supported despite being mid 30s. Their only ds however is expected to get by with no support, physically or emotionally and they wonder why he isnt interested in spending any time with them!

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2021 14:35

Did you not tell her that it was you who had saved her life? He was visiting afterwards when convenient

justcheckingreally · 28/07/2021 14:35

I'm really glad this trend is slooooowly trending but this is such a common thing amongst all cultures it's scary.
I remember going to the countryside for the summer hols with my siblings. My cousin and brother didn't have to lift a finger but the girls had to do everything. This wasn't even that long ago!

30degreesandmeltinghere · 28/07/2021 14:37

Hand over the doorbell organisation to The Golden Child..
Would they consider outside help instead of your unappreciated efforts?

asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:40

@frazzledasarock yes I tell her every time.

@30degreesandmeltinghere they have carers in twice a day for the quickest half hour really just to help my dad, mum isn't at that stage she is just emotionally needy. I literally do everything for her though. If I didn't then things wouldn't happen - example she has a hospital appt tomorrow for a cancer check up, if I don't take her there is no way for her to get there... so even though we now aren't speaking I'll need to take her.

Twat as already mentioned is on his holibags. Twat.

OP posts:
x2boys · 28/07/2021 14:41

Well obviously thats a massive generalisation, based on your anecdotal evidence of your family 🙄

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/07/2021 14:41

Can you take a step back and let them ask Wonder Boy for help?

anotherBadAvatar · 28/07/2021 14:41

Internalised misogyny

asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:44

I think I'll have to or the relationship will be damaged beyond repair.

Yesterday I spent an hour on a phone call to BT about their bill being wrong (it wasn't) but mother struggles (I mean she was adamant it was wrong) and dad has dementia.

OP posts:
ChainJane · 28/07/2021 14:45

Just stop being the doormat for them then and take a step back! It's that simple. Your brother is doing what the fuck he likes, you are equally capable of doing what the fuck you like. You can't force him to get involved and you can't force your parents to recognise your efforts.

Take a step away, maybe keep contact to a quick ten minute phone call once a week.

asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:45

@anotherBadAvatar is it really *whereistheeyerollemojiwhenyouneedit

OP posts:
OhGiveUp · 28/07/2021 14:45

With my mum, it isn't her sons she defers to, but my son who is in his 30s.
Anything mechanical or technical? Oh I'll just ask our M, even though he gives her the same answer that I give her 😂
Not just my mum, my dad does it too.

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 14:45

I've come across the same scenario only the other way around.

TrojaninTroy · 28/07/2021 14:48

Had this with my mum as well. We were all such a disappointment to her except my DB. Except that he believed he was a disappointment too. So sad.

But despite me being the one to step up as my mother's primary carer once she couldn't manage, she still said "Thank God we've got Golden Son." Yes mother, but who will be the one who actually comes running when you are in desperate need?

It's a generational thing, and hopefully this one won't prevail into the next generation of oldies. Once people reach a certain age they find it very difficult to shift their perspective.

Vivi0 · 28/07/2021 14:52

Twat as already mentioned is on his holibags. Twat

I think you should be redirecting your misplaced anger away from your brother and firmly onto your mum.

The dynamic is not your brother’s fault.

BlusteryLake · 28/07/2021 14:52

It was always the opposite way round in our house. As the only girl, I got away with far worse behaviour than my brothers.

TeardropImplodes · 28/07/2021 14:54

I'm the eldest, daughter, with a two year younger brother. We are known as number 2 and number 1 respectively in the family.

My mum totally backed the wrong horse in our twenties, my brother was high earning, house buying, expensive lifestyle with lovely girlfriend on paper. DH and I had quirky jobs, back packing for holidays.
I was the first to get married and my parents weren't backwards at critizing the guest list, food, venue, etc and have never talked about it since. Our friends and other relatives still talk about how lovely it was, etc (was at the time a non standard wedding, now it happens all the time)
My brother split up with lovely girlfriend, is a functioning alcoholic and was understandably sacked from last job because of absolutely gross misconduct.

Still my mum will back him to the end, he's 'led astray' 'needs more ambition from current girlfriend's it's everyone's fault except his.

It's really back fired on my parents because I am the one with the children, stable lifestyle, awesome diy skills etc but they still ask, defer or refer to my brother on everything! So we now keep them at arm's length for our own sanity. It has made me a better parent to my own kids in a not repeating that mess way.

asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:55

@Vivi0 he does also happen to be a twat though :)

OP posts:
asparagusspears · 28/07/2021 14:56

@TeardropImplodes yes, it feels like number 2 and number 1 here, I am also the oldest.

OP posts:
Maunderingdrunkenly · 28/07/2021 14:57

Got skin in the game have we @x2boys Grin

Tlollj · 28/07/2021 14:58

Well I’m not like it with mine. So no it’s not everyone. Stop doing it.

WildfirePonie · 28/07/2021 14:58

You're not alone OP. My brother is Golden Boy. I am NC with them all.
I don't miss them. Life is better since I dropped the rope.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 28/07/2021 14:59

Yep, this is one of those true to form stereotypes!