Why does the sun shine out of son's arses and daughters take all the flack?

[asparagusspears]

Just had another of increasingly frequent arguments with my very needy elderly mother who I do everything for (and my dad, who's an arsehole to me, and her) and who is getting more and more demanding with age and circumstances (both of them have increasingly frail health).

Meanwhile my twat of a brother is sunning himself on holiday.

In the course of the argument which started about the cost of a Ring doorbell and that I had better run that by my brother because it's so expensive (we are both in our 40s, this is my parents house and their money and she doesn't trust my judgement on picking this for them, it needs the okay from twatface????) she then mentions how said twat was so wonderful when she was ill and she won't forget that.

What she never remembers is that the occasion she was referring to she was so ill she was out of it for a week at least and doesn't know it was me visiting her at home daily and eventually me taking the decision to drive her to A&E, me who sat with her for 24 hours until she was eventually properly admitted, and then I finally went home. It just so happens when she first opened her eyes in hospital it happened to be him she saw first on his first appearance in the whole saga and therefore she believes he saved her life!

Is it just my mother who thinks her wonderful twat of a son can do no wrong while her daughter who actually does everything is lower than the sole of her shoe?

My mum truly doesn’t realise she does this. Partly it’s less “golden child” than “poor unfortunate child who we can’t expect anything of” as my brother is on the autistic spectrum although he lives a good life etc. My mum once wanted a specialist ingredient sold in a shop ten minutes from my brother’s door. She asked ME to go the 2.5 hours to his city a week before Christmas to get it because he was too busy and tired. At the time he finished work at 3pm and had no other commitments. When I questioned whether he could do it instead I got a massive bollocking about being selfish because poor X was so tired after work and I could easily get there and back in a day. This came up recently and she denied it flat out.

I also feel PP about organising/booking events and the brother just wandering in and being such a special event. One thing I’m grateful for is that my DB is at least nice. Sorry for those with twat Prince brothers. I dated a guy for a while from a family like that, when his sister was helping cook lunch and he and his brother were on their arses watching MTV I made them get up and help. We broke up not long after that but I think his mum and sister liked me!

My mother is the same.

I swear she thinks my brother walks on water.

Puts me in mind of that stupid phrase I saw going round on Facebook a while back
"My Son is my Sun"🙄

Shut...Up

@Vivi0

Twat as already mentioned is on his holibags. Twat

I think you should be redirecting your misplaced anger away from your brother and firmly onto your mum.

The dynamic is not your brother’s fault.

Agreed

I'm sure your brother can't help your parents attitude

I do think that this is a thing op. It starts in childhood, with expectations of male children being very different and them generally feeling less responsible and behaving less responsibly as a result in adulthood. Their mums (and in these households it's usually the mums) do their washing for them, even as adults and both parents will repeatedly use the excuse "well, it's because he's a boyyyyyyy! Boys will be boys!" which covers a whole multitude of sins. But likewise, girl children bear the heavy weight of expectation from an early age which results in them taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility for everyone's happiness in adulthood. I guarantee that if/ when you step back, you will be regarded as a monster who dumped them in their hour of need - it will be immediately noticeable to them.

I know there are exceptions, and I would hope that those exceptions are becoming more commonplace, but this has been the general trend for many generations.

*disclaimer - I am a mother to a son and a daughter.

@Whattodoaboutnothing if I'd met my mil first I'd never have married dh.... he's a dab hand around the house though and is currently cleaning the shower.

I definitely think there's something in what you say though!

Other way round here. My brother is the one who's always on hand sorting out my mum's unreasonable demands. He's entirely taken for granted, and she just moans about him to me. I live a distance away and can do no wrong.

He was on holiday last week and I had to sort something out for her from a distance as he wasn't there to do it. I got effusive praise from her and told how wonderful I was.

Of course I always have his back, and every time she moans to me about him I defend him to the hilt. But it's wrong, and no it's not always sons who are the golden ones.

WhiskyIrnBru

I really sympathise.

Recently DB is pestering from abroad that some “precious” belongings were thrown away circa 2001 and he is having tantrum.
I told DM he’s going to ring and be a pain over it. She then directed her anger towards me and shouted at me. I said look I don’t care if his precious crap has gone, but I’m only warning you that’s why he’s trying to get hold of you.

It’s really hard. He can do no wrong. Poor Poppet.

Their mums (and in these households it's usually the mums) do their washing for them, even as adults and both parents will repeatedly use the excuse "well, it's because he's a boyyyyyyy! Boys will be boys!"

Completely agree with this. I've just been away with my elderly parents and my son. My mum is the ultimate hostess and (despite being 80) is always keen to do the lion's share of the dross, bless her. On a number of occasions, I insisted that my son cleared up etc despite her wanting him to relax.

I am determined that my sons won't grow up to be man-children and they're expected to pull their weight as far as household chores are concerned (they're teenagers not young kids). I think it's really important that parents don't treat their sons differently and make the chores "women's work". Ditto for my husband, who is quite crap at the washing but cooks, cleans, tidies etc. That said, he had a mum who did pretty much everything so maybe it is possible for men to change from their family set up!

Not always the case. My mother definitely has the measure of my db. I’ve often overheard her praising ‘my girls’ then in the next breath saying that it’s a good job she has us as db is useless!!

I think I have gone too far the other way. My ds cooks and cleans while dd (youngest) does absolutely nothing. She’s a strong character and stubborn as a mule and will not do anything she doesn’t want to do. Very occasionally she will choose to empty the dishwasher or push the hoover round of her own accord, but if I ask it seems to encourage resistance on principle. While I admire her strong mindedness, I sometimes wish that she didn’t have to be like that about absolutely everything.

Oh and dd would say that ds is my favourite. I would argue that I love them both equally, but ds goes out of his way to be kind and thoughtful while she would rarely do something nice just for the sake of it (while expecting us all to run around after her). She is extremely hard work, but a small part of me quite admires the way that she refuses to conform to stereotypes. It will be a cold day in hell before she takes on the mental load in her future household. And I am certainly not expecting any basic support let alone care from her when I am old and infirm!!

Their mums (and in these households it's usually the mums) do their washing for them, even as adults and both parents will repeatedly use the excuse "well, it's because he's a boyyyyyyy! Boys will be boys!"

It always makes me a bit uncomfortable when people blame their mothers when grown men are useless - it feels like it's always somehow a woman's fault. I did absolutely zero housework growing up and while I don't think that was ideal - and it isn't what I'll be doing with my own children, who happen to be both boys - I figured it out quickly enough once I left home, it isn't rocket science. The idea that a 40 year old man can't work a washing machine because his mum didn't show him when he was 14 is a pretty weak excuse.

Yep this boys are prince's, girls are servants bullshit is rife in my family. When my grandmother got elderly I was expected to pick up her prescriptions in the middle of the night and take her food shopping in her wheelchair. Golden child DB made a rare visit to her and suddenly she's making him his favourite dinner.

When she died he got the few valuables she owned plus her WWII service medals. I was offered the biscuit tin I had given her as a Christmas gift.

NC with the lot of them. My DD has been raised to see herself as a lioness.

Same here op.

Although I know that my mother struggled with me (at one point) being young, thin and pretty and she felt jealous because she was 'old and invisible'. She was also jealous when I had babies, I remember her wistfully sighing that her friend was so lucky to have a junkie child who's kid got removed because she gets to parent again, then told me she wished I was a junkie too 🤣

I did everything for her while my brothers did nothing, used her for money, wrecked her house etc, but it still wasn't good enough.

We are now nc (after she confessed she forgave me for 'having an affair with her husband when I was 11 and him in his 50s).

My brothers are still the golden balls and she tells everyone I am mentally ill with various things to explain the nc.

I know they make her life a misery though, and I also know she treats her male grandkids infinitely better than her female grandkids, so it's happening all over again.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult, OMG! I think we can definitely rule out you being the mentally ill one in your family!

Because men are more valued in any society. But they still cry, play the victims and get butt hurt. Somebody born with a penis just would never get it. Think of cultures where girl's are literally get thrown away because they are born with vaginas.

Oh come on OP. Haven't you learned by now that a daughter's purpose in life is to serve? And a son's is to make their parents proud by being a big-shot who can swan off on holiday whenever it suits them. Put on your pinnie, roll up your sleeves and crack on.
Or, preferably, don't.

@Hardbackwriter that's why I laboured the point about both parents using the 'boys will be boys' excuse. But as it goes, I use the clothes washing scenario to prove a broader point. They've grown up in houses where mum does all the drudge work. Their male role model doesn't do the drudge work. I use it as an example that typifies the family set up and ingrained attitudes toward 'wife work', not to say "it's all the mum's fault".

Yep, same here. Took 30 years for me to work it out but my Mum is a misogynist. Two brothers, both useless at keeping in touch or caring much at all about my parents (which is blamed on their wives of course). Mum gets all pathetically grateful for any scraps of attention thrown her way. She puts my husband on a pedestal too which he finds hilarious. If I've sorted everything for a visit, done all the shopping, cooked everything and he rocks up at the last minute to help serve up then I am apparently soooooo lucky that he cooks I mean he does cook but she'll never acknowledge anything that I do for them. She's been jealous of me in the past too which is not a pleasant situation.

History is repeating itself, she gushes over her grandsons and is only very superficially interested in her granddaughters and in fact actively dislikes one. I live closest to them and I already know that I am going to be the one sorting out all their shit as they get older, I've been put down as executor of their wills which I never actually agreed to, it's just assumed that I will do it all and it would never occur to my useless brothers to chip in. Urgh.

My DM favoured my brothers growing up. (although they would disagree). Best food, no curfew etc. No decision can be made without eldest DB input.
She had a fall and rang me, I live 9 hours away, 3 brothers live within an hour and a half.
She gets out of hospital, I am expected to take time off to care for her, DB’s didn’t even consider it. Even her medical appointments DSIL was the one to take her!
DD1 jokes that she is trying to get to second favourite grand child status. Favourite is nephew , only boy grandchild, no other reason. Widely acknowledged in family that his favourite status is purely because of his gender.

Just stop helping.

I also have a golden brother.

After my mum died I have a better relationship with my father.

One of my friends went to a family wedding and was introduced to someone who didn't know she existed, her mother only talked about her 'boys'.

Because you are the mug one who keeps doing everything even though you are treated badly. Don't blame your brother. You are choosing to walk into this crap.

@MrsN100

Because you are the mug one who keeps doing everything even though you are treated badly. Don't blame your brother. You are choosing to walk into this crap.

I agree that women who bow down to their mothers should stop but you are underestimating the level of manipulation here.

If a caring person seeing someone struggling they will help. Regardless of where they stand in the pecking order.

These men just don’t care. They are selfish and don’t think of anyone but themselves. They give the tiniest amount and only if it doesn’t inconvenience them. They make a song and dance when they do anything to ‘help’ and demand gratitude.

Both mother and son are to blame.

Interestingly, my DB practically moved next door to my DM when I went NC with her. Not related to my reasons but he eventually moved away and went NC with her as well. I predicted that he wouldn't last long being at her beck and call as he's always swanned in and out doing nothing but being lauded as the good one. It just wasn't the plan in my family. I should do the running around, he should pick up the inheritance

@Byeckythump Gosh you have been made executor! My friend's parents made her husband their executor because that is a man's job! Too much for her to worry her female head about - just keep doing their domestic work!