Why does the sun shine out of son's arses and daughters take all the flack?

[asparagusspears]

Just had another of increasingly frequent arguments with my very needy elderly mother who I do everything for (and my dad, who's an arsehole to me, and her) and who is getting more and more demanding with age and circumstances (both of them have increasingly frail health).

Meanwhile my twat of a brother is sunning himself on holiday.

In the course of the argument which started about the cost of a Ring doorbell and that I had better run that by my brother because it's so expensive (we are both in our 40s, this is my parents house and their money and she doesn't trust my judgement on picking this for them, it needs the okay from twatface????) she then mentions how said twat was so wonderful when she was ill and she won't forget that.

What she never remembers is that the occasion she was referring to she was so ill she was out of it for a week at least and doesn't know it was me visiting her at home daily and eventually me taking the decision to drive her to A&E, me who sat with her for 24 hours until she was eventually properly admitted, and then I finally went home. It just so happens when she first opened her eyes in hospital it happened to be him she saw first on his first appearance in the whole saga and therefore she believes he saved her life!

Is it just my mother who thinks her wonderful twat of a son can do no wrong while her daughter who actually does everything is lower than the sole of her shoe?

Not in my family. My brother and I were treated equally by both my parents as kids, and I've had more help from them (babysitting etc) as an adult.

Yep yep yep

One example

He had some building work done (which she organised and paid for natch) and said oh it'll be awful he'll have to stay with us for s few weeks

A few years before something with our house left us with no heating and the house not secure early Dec heavy snow so as cold as outside. I said please please can me and the girls (1yr and 3yr) come just till we get it sorted.

She said no.

When she said about my brother I had had enough and I said hold on what about this.

She said that never happened and walked off...

@LadyEloise

There is a Golden Son in my family too. He does the least for dm. 🙄

In my experience the two can be related. Some parents seem to put a higher value on the children who are less available to them (live further away, visit less frequently, put themselves out for their parents less etc).

Perhaps make yourself less available OP and see if you are appreciated more as a result

My granddad really preferred boys it fucked my aunt up. He was so dismissive of all females in the family.

When I was born he said better luck next time to my dad!

It is not just you OP - my DB can do no wrong, he is the golden child, even though I did everything when my Mum was ill and then arranged her funeral and now am dealing with my Dad who just rings me constantly and when I suggest something he does not do it - when the golden child says exact same thing he will.

My Grandad was the same with my Mum - I think it is expected the girls will do everything.

I have been stepping back a bit and I have told him what he has been doing, I just have had enough. It really put things into focus when he said golden child cannot visit often as he has a family of his own - he has one child in his thirties who does not live at home ! I have a disabled child - my family obviously do not count.

My DH has also done more for him than any of my siblings - even driving over 1 hour when he had a fall in the early hours, and sitting with him till the ambulance came and then arranging a cattery for his cat and taking things to the hospital and even visiting him there, none of my siblings bothered.

Favouritism isn't always a son / daughter thing; sometimes it's the eldest or youngest that is favoured over the middle children. I think most parents have a favourite child who was or is treated better, even if they claim otherwise (and sometimes don't even realise).

@NiceGerbil

Yep yep yep

One example

He had some building work done (which she organised and paid for natch) and said oh it'll be awful he'll have to stay with us for s few weeks

A few years before something with our house left us with no heating and the house not secure early Dec heavy snow so as cold as outside. I said please please can me and the girls (1yr and 3yr) come just till we get it sorted.

She said no.

When she said about my brother I had had enough and I said hold on what about this.

She said that never happened and walked off...

That's awful. Are you still in contact?

Even though I was an only child, If I told my mother about any plans I had, she always used to ask what DH thought and had he approved it?! She always gave me a cheque for my birthday or Christmas but made it payable to both of us, “because I don’t want to cause any upsets” She would never admit it but she clearly felt the man was the boss and his opinion was more important and carried more weight than a woman’s.

DM: You're so lucky having a brother, I wish I had a brother growing up.
Me (as I'm driving her to the supermarket): Do you say the same to him about having a sister?
DM: No

I hear ya OP, although in my case it was males in general. We fell out a lot as I didn't want to conform and worship at the same alter x

My grandmother is exactly the same to my mum. She does EVERYTHING for my gran whilst her brothers do the absolute bare minimum and my mum has to listen to how wonderful the boys are. Are you Catholic? We are, this seems more common in Catholic families!

Why bother grinding yourself down for no thanks and to hear your DB's praises sung from the rooftops for doing jack shit.

It's not like they can't pay for care or your DB can't help. They all know you're just gonna do it all so who cares how you are treated? You'll do it anyway. You're expected to do it all, anything your DB does is just so godly, oh how wonderful to see the sun shine out his butt crack.

There is alot of this. But I was proud of my Dad when he did his will - made myself and my sister executors and NOT any of the boys who are the youngest three - there was a bit of squealing but trying to get consensus on things from 6 of us would have been a nightmare - bad enough 2 of us on a couple of things.

Interestingly I often thought I was "judged" a failure despite the fact that I am the most highly qualified but I wasn't in a "professional job" but in the last few years conversations with my Dad showed me otherwise. For his generation he was one of the least mysoginistic men I have ever known - in fact of all men. Bless him.

I was never given the opportunities that my twin brothers did. I went out to work and paid board at 18. They never contributed to the househild even though they lived at home longer because they never bothered getting a decent job.
They used to steal my stuff but it was never commented on and they never had to pay me back. I was expected to put up with it because I was the girl. I often gave up my share so they could have it. Like if there were 2 doughnuts left - I wouldn't even think that one would be mine.
It was DH that pointed this out and of course now DM is older and needs help- my brothers are nowhere to be seen.
Gits.

Growing up my brother went on every school trip. I was never allowed to go on any
My brother never paid rent. I paid over half my wages
When i left my 20 year marriage to my horribly abusive exh my mum said I had brought shame on the family and she was so worried what the neighbours would think she sidnt speak to me for 6 months. My brother headbutted his wife in the street and threatened to kill her with a knife. This was because wife had found out he had been having an affair for 8 years. My mum immediately moved him in with her and blamed his ex wife for not looking after him.
Brother took thousands of pounds of credit out fraudulently in my dads name( they both have the same name ie bob smith snr and bob smith jnr)my mum took him to see a councillor and cried about how sad and lonely he must be.
My dad was in hospital at the end of life for 6 months. He was very demanding and although i had a job and 3 kids i visted every single day for the whole 6 months. Brother is unemployed and his kids have nothing to do with him. Lives 10 mins walk from hospital. Visted twice.
When dad died it was peak lockdown. Myself and hubby took mum to his grave every week. Did her food shopping. Gardening. Odd jobs. This was even though i had cancer and was having treatment. Brother never offered to help once. Since then the shopping, helping, gardening etc has continued approx twice per month.again brother not helped once. It was my dads birthday 2 weeks back and they put one of those interactive memorial pages on FB. I didnt see it( and wasnt told by anyone in family it was there) as hubby was rushed to hospital after almost severing his finger( mum knew this) i got a call screaming down the phone i was a horrible daughter, friends and family cant believe what a heartless bitch i am and i should be ashamed. When i pointed out all the stuff i had done and how its very easy to post on FB, its a damn site harder to put the hours in like i had, she suddenly re wrote history and darling brother was an angel who was at dads bedside constantly and i was a lying bitch. That was it. First time in my life NC with them both for 2 weeks. Blocked on everything. I know for a fact she will be calling me every name under the sun and pulling out her favourite saying of its just that im jealous and she has always treated us the same.

My mother is just the same re (insert expletive of choice here) brother who does fuck all.
Sister & I hate it.

The irony is that her mother was just the same re all of her brothers whilst the sisters did everything to help.

Just hand it all over to twatface? It's hard but the alternative is putting up with this.

Yup, same dynamic here. My arsehole, drug dealing, alcoholic, scumbag brother is treated as the second coming of Christ, whereas I was always treated as a unwanted burden. I was cooking, cleaning, shopping and babysitting all weekend from 11, he is now 36 and has never used a washing machine or cooker. He is a truly awful person, been in and out of prison since he was 14, but somehow my mother is convinced he is always innocent and blamed whatever he has done on either me or whatever girlfriend he has. She is so pathetic. Now she is getting older and needs help with things, she is shocked that I don't answer the phone to her, oh well.

Step back and leave golden boy to it

I'd say it's more common the other way around based on people I know who have sons and daughters. The daughter gets treated like a princess and the sons are left to fend for themselves.

The difference is the princess is usually like nice but lazy Denise from The Royle Family and the son is like Dot's Nick from Eastenders.

Similar here although both girls. I have challenged my DM when she is blatantly showing favouritism towards my DSIS and just like other posters here, she says it none of it ever happened ....

Same here.

Been subjected to favouritism my whole life. Brothers would laze about while we would be doing the housework etc.

My brother worked and didn't give a penny to my parents, l gave my wages abd sometimes extra and still made to feel like a burden and that they were doing me a favour

When l was out of work after uni, gave half my jsa to parents and brothers gave nothing. Currently, my brother no2 is out of work and my mum has lots of money to help him out .

Mother paid for my brother to get married abroad, exact same with me except l had to pay my own ticket and hers.

She paid for his wedding ( normal) for my wedding she was supposed to provide clothes which l would take with me to husband's house. I brought my own clothes bar a couple of dresses.

The final nail in the coffin, my brothers will inherit everything and my mum is unwilling to give me or my sisters anything. In our religion this is prohibited but mum is following cultural example.

I have strong faith that helps me to accept that one day in this world or the next l will get what's mine.

When my Dad died (he was only in his 40s), my great aunt said ‘it’s times like these you’re glad you have daughters!’ which I initially thought of as lovely.

I was a bit surprised though as she puts her son on a pedestal and her daughter can do no right.

Over the coming weeks I heard it again and again. I came to realise that it meant if I was a son I could fuck off and please myself (and stay on that pedestal!) but as a daughter I was expected to be by my DM’s side forever.

It's the opposite with my MIL. SIL is the golden child.

My now deceased DGM was like this. She started lecturing us regularly from the age of 19 how we'd better hurry and get married before we were "past it". Girls were for fetching, carrying, and winning a man before they reached dried-up ages like 24. When my older sisters did bring home men, she fawned on them lavishly. When my brothers brought home women who became my DSILs, she referred to them as "that girl" long after the wedding, as in "Who is that girl?" She slavered over the achievements of her DSes even though it was her DD, aka mum, who did all the running.

I never liked her, and this was a big part of the reason why

And it's far from over. I had a friend who was the female half of a pair of fraternal twins. Her parents paid for her male DBro to have driving lessons at 18. They couldn't afford to pay for her apparently. So they didn't.