Why does the sun shine out of son's arses and daughters take all the flack?

[asparagusspears]

Just had another of increasingly frequent arguments with my very needy elderly mother who I do everything for (and my dad, who's an arsehole to me, and her) and who is getting more and more demanding with age and circumstances (both of them have increasingly frail health).

Meanwhile my twat of a brother is sunning himself on holiday.

In the course of the argument which started about the cost of a Ring doorbell and that I had better run that by my brother because it's so expensive (we are both in our 40s, this is my parents house and their money and she doesn't trust my judgement on picking this for them, it needs the okay from twatface????) she then mentions how said twat was so wonderful when she was ill and she won't forget that.

What she never remembers is that the occasion she was referring to she was so ill she was out of it for a week at least and doesn't know it was me visiting her at home daily and eventually me taking the decision to drive her to A&E, me who sat with her for 24 hours until she was eventually properly admitted, and then I finally went home. It just so happens when she first opened her eyes in hospital it happened to be him she saw first on his first appearance in the whole saga and therefore she believes he saved her life!

Is it just my mother who thinks her wonderful twat of a son can do no wrong while her daughter who actually does everything is lower than the sole of her shoe?

I have seen this is student housing. The female students are relatively clean (at least with their own rooms) and know how to cook. Many male students don't even know how to boil an egg and the floor or their rooms are littered with garbage. There are exception, of course, but this is the general trend I have seen.

Cooking and cleaning is still something kids learn at home, so if the boys don't know how to do it, their parents must not be teaching them.

My mum bitterly complains about how her mother did this to her but has in turn done it to me. Growing up I was expected to be her confidante and to anticipate her needs like cleaning and cooking when she’d had a hard day but the boys never were. She lauds them for the tiniest things they do and ignores me. That and her homophobia are why I’m hardly in contact now.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Can you take a step back and let them ask Wonder Boy for help?

This.. you have too my mum is exactly the same. Everything he does is better. Everything he suggests is the right thing. He’s job is more important, his time, he’s opinion. Yet I’m the one who she phones when she’s bored. Or she’s asked to go round there.

Well I’ve started answering with: oh I’m not sure I can commit to that, have you asked ‘twatface’ instead. She doesn’t like it that much. But I think fuck it. Maybe she will stop gazing up and him and realise who helps them the most.

My dad on the other hand see it for how it is.

My mother is the same

I have 3 brothers and the sun shines out of their arses even though 2 are on drugs,one didn’t work for 12 years and all 3 leech from her
I’m not perfect at all but even if I asked for help I never got it
It came to a head while she was in hospital-I had 3 kids,pnd and no money (we lived 5 miles away and I don’t drive but they do)
I did all her washing,housework,cooked and other bits for everyone etc
She got out-and told everyone that my brothers had been wonderful and done everything for her-no mention of me

A week or so later it was her birthday and I’d scraped some cash together to buy her a lovely outfit
My brother got her a cheap brooch
My present went to the charity shop the next day,but brothers brooch got worn til it broke

I’m now nc-I’m done-they can look after her as I’m not doing it
(Being the only girl it was expected of me)

I will try and step back a little. My fear is that they end up struggling on without the right help as he will continue to do very little and they simply won't ask to the extent they do me, and things will deteriorate between them further.

It doesn't help that my dad is also a twat

@Mumvschildren very similar story for me while my mum was in hospital.

My ‘D’B sent my parents one care package during lockdown… oh what a good son he is! All over bloody Facebook! Completely forgot that my DH has driven the 3 hours to their house on more than one occasion to fix fencing, guttering etc. Or that it was us that went there when DF was unwell and helped her out… or the million other occasions we’ve supported either emotionally or physically. Brother lives 10 minutes from them for context.

For your own health & sanity - you need to step back. Things will become worse as your parents become frailer and frailer. You don't have to stop doing everything, just decide what you want to do, and what you don't want to do and let everyone know. So if you can't stand / haven't the time to hang on the phone talking to BT - that's something of your DB to do. Tell you DM and mean it. Don't ask - tell

You are getting no thanks, and will not get thanks so choose the level of your involvement.

@BabbleBee well yes I haven't even mentioned my DH and the lengths he goes to for them. He has rushed over to help my dad up from a fall when brother didn't answer his phone (who doesn't have their phone glued to their hand these days) and has done various DIY things round the house to make it more wheelchair friendly etc, has carried big boxes and moved furniture. All things brother could and should have done.

@DPotter you are right I know this, but it feels like letting them down. Hard one.

I think family dynamics depend on the family.

In mine we are 3 children. 2G and 1B. I'm eldest and G. I was always the black sheep and expected to just be the best behaved because I was the eldest despite middle child G being a nightmare. She's a very unkind self righteous bully. But I'm the eldest - so just ignore. Do not under any circumstances stand up for myself. If I did (just nicely and verbally) I'd be punished.

Youngest is B. He wasn't treated any differently to my sister but again got away with so much more "because he's the youngest".

But he also had a different life because by the time he was tween age I was an adult and earning money so he got to do out with me for treats etc. He's a lovely kind man who would do anything for anyone and being the youngest and the getting away with things due to this didn't make him a bad person.

Same here and it extends to the grandkids. DBs kids are so wonderful too, just like DB as a teenager. I have learnt to see the comedy side 😂

@DinaofCloud9

I'd say it's more common the other way around based on people I know who have sons and daughters. The daughter gets treated like a princess and the sons are left to fend for themselves.

Same here.

Interesting how the OP is ignoring all those similar posts as it doesn't fit with her poor me narrative.

DSpotter is spot on.
Don't begrudge your brother his lifestyle because his choices lead to a different outcome for him than your choices do for you. If he doesn't find it hard to step back and you do, well that's up to you.
Your parents are quite happy for you to run round after them to your detriment rather than paying for taxis, handymen, gardeners etc. Really??!
It's not you or your DH responsibility to do any of that. There's no 'should' about it. It's what we save for all our lives, to buy in help and care as needed.
Your anger is misplaced. Time to make different choices.

You're not letting them down. It's the same idea as putting your oxygen mask on first before helping others. By stepping back, you can still help and keeping sane and retaining your relationship.

Remember - tell them - parents and brother. Don't ask. And changes are with immediate effect. All the time you're there picking up the pieces, no one else will

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Got skin in the game have we *@x2boys*

😂 😂

That sucks.

Not generally the case in my experience.

It's the girls who are the favourite in dh family.

i relate to this. my younger brother (mid 20s) recently got a casual fling pregnant and my dad and mum are "over the moon" and are standing the "happy couple" a significant amount of money towards a flat together, baby stuff, etc. whereas when i got pregnant unexpectedly with my boyfriend at the same age, my dad wouldnt speak to me for months and is still convinced that i "threw away my life". no financial support from them, i went back to work when dd was 6 months old. it still fucks me off and there are a lot of other instances of it in my family, objectively unfair treatment for male relatives. i keep my distance these days.

Does your Mum tell your brother that you are amazing? My mum always played my brother and I off against each other - luckily we always compared notes are close despite this...

My DM is the same. She will happily acknowledge all of my DB's various faults and behaviours, and yet his is still the golden child. He can't even send her a Mother's Day card (when there are signs in the shops to remind him), let alone remember any family birthdays. If I forget the most minor of anniversaries, I get grief for weeks. Daughters are expected to do so much, and are thanked so little. It drives me nuts.

Nothing to do with gender I think. My SIL does NOTHING. She takes and takes and takes. When they need help, DH goes. Yet my inlaws are constantly pissed off with DH and expect more and more. SIL treats them like shit and they are really pleased with her !
They always get 5 star service from us, and expectations are sky high in everything. While SIL makes them work, they do it with happy faces!

There is a Golden Son in my family too.
He does the least for dm. 🙄

I think there is a mother-son thing. I didn't believe it until my son was born and oh, I have to check myself that I being fair. It's weird but he really is the greatest thing since sliced bread just as my friends with sons said he'd be...

Same in my family. Preferential (financial) treatment all the time with me doing the lion's share of helping both before and after my dad died.