Why does the sun shine out of son's arses and daughters take all the flack?

[asparagusspears]

Just had another of increasingly frequent arguments with my very needy elderly mother who I do everything for (and my dad, who's an arsehole to me, and her) and who is getting more and more demanding with age and circumstances (both of them have increasingly frail health).

Meanwhile my twat of a brother is sunning himself on holiday.

In the course of the argument which started about the cost of a Ring doorbell and that I had better run that by my brother because it's so expensive (we are both in our 40s, this is my parents house and their money and she doesn't trust my judgement on picking this for them, it needs the okay from twatface????) she then mentions how said twat was so wonderful when she was ill and she won't forget that.

What she never remembers is that the occasion she was referring to she was so ill she was out of it for a week at least and doesn't know it was me visiting her at home daily and eventually me taking the decision to drive her to A&E, me who sat with her for 24 hours until she was eventually properly admitted, and then I finally went home. It just so happens when she first opened her eyes in hospital it happened to be him she saw first on his first appearance in the whole saga and therefore she believes he saved her life!

Is it just my mother who thinks her wonderful twat of a son can do no wrong while her daughter who actually does everything is lower than the sole of her shoe?

I'd say it's more common the other way around based on people I know who have sons and daughters. The daughter gets treated like a princess and the sons are left to fend for themselves.

Same here.

DB lives abroad. So the poor poppet can’t come back to “help”.

Meanwhile I shop and look after them and at beck and call. I don’t mind this, I’m happy to be there.

But whenever golden boy does appear, I’m shuffled of into the background. Meals out without me, basically ignored.

Lots of other nonsense goes on.

Seen this in my family too OP, DGM lauded her DS's every tiny achievement and expressed undying gratitude for the tiniest scraps of help or attention from him whilst minimising her DD's (my DM) impressive qualifications and career and disregarding the day in day out help/care her DD provided as not worthy of acknowledgment let alone a thank you.

I adored my DGM but found this situation really difficult to stomach as she got older and more dependent on my DM. The only upside really is that it opened DM's eyes and put a stop to the same dynamic continuing with me and my DB. It remains to be seen whether I will have to remind her as things evolve and she needs more help but I certainly won't hesitate if it becomes necessary. I'll care for her because I love her, not for gratitude but I'll be fucked if I'm going to listen to how wonderful he is while I do it!

I grew up with the same dynamic. Yes it was her fault but my brother could have taken some of the weight for me - he knew what needed doing but he never did and always made it difficult for me if I tried to split it equally, manipulating me that mum wanted me to do it not him, deliberately making a pigs ear of it so I’d have to do it myself or calling me selfish for not wanting to do it etc. I’m now non contact with my mum and have very little contact with him so he’s having to do it all. Not sure how it’s going - not too well from what I’ve heard and no doubt it will somehow be my fault, but for me my life is less stressful and I’m no longer filled with resentment.

Aw that sucks. Can you reduce how much care you provide?

My Mum did everything for my Gran and the sun shone out of my uncle's backside too! My Mum hasn't repeated the cycle luckily.

Sort of same for DH. He and his older sister are criticised to the ends of the earth. But golden balls (the youngest son) can do no wrong. I thought MIL was going to come in her pants last time he turned up.

I am the eldest of a large family of girls and one boy right in the middle - we all called him Sun Beam cos the sun shone right out of his arse. I quite literally could do nothing right - I was always talked out of disagreeing with him putting him right until I went NC as I didn't need a misogynistic wanker in my life, thanks very much.

Now everyone is in their 30's/40's and he thought he was the Big Man until he stood over my (sitting down) pensioner mother and screamed in her face to Fuck Off. Funnily enough she seemed to see him for exactly the arsehole he is. She has now been NC with him for 3 years and said it's the most peaceful time she has ever had.

[quote asparagusspears]@Vivi0 he does also happen to be a twat though :)[/quote]
I believe you!

But these type of dynamics don’t exactly produce close sibling relationships either. The old ‘divide and conquer’!

If your mum isn’t grateful for what you do for her, take a step back and let your brother do it. There’s nothing wrong with him going on holiday!

Definitely. My Mum is like this with my brother, the standards she holds for me are so high compared to him. I can organise and plan and pay for an entire event and if my brother turns up its like the second coming. My auntie is the same with her son and daughter as well.

My Mum always defends my brother with oh well that’s boys for you 🤨 although not as often now as everytime she does I challenge her on it and ask her why it’s different for him.

Sorry - posted too soon....

Sometimes it takes just 1 small thing to see arsehole brothers/sons for what they are. Did you ever sit your mum down and actually tell her what you did for her?

I have 2 older brothers and its the same. I do so much for my mum and both brothers consistently let her down (including leaving her in a house that had roofs falling down and flooded despite being a roofer and builder) the sun still shines out of their backsides. I find it pathetic. When they turn up I may as well cease to exist. In actual fact my mum was quite cruel to me as a child.
I get on with my life now (not being big headed but I earn more than they ever will, own a expensive house while they struggle to meet their rents and have a more stable life etc than they ever will) and be nice but hell will freeze over if I'm left to care for my mum while golden boys swan off doing what they like. You reap what you sow.

My DGM was like this with my Male cousins. He apparently not only knew it all but he had limited time to do stuff because he had a family to look after. He also had a wife. I was a single parent so all the running around meant my DS had to come with me.

Without fail he bought the wrong but most expensive thing that I had to sort out.

Her hero worshipping of him uses to really upset me. What upset me more was how grudgingly he spent time with her.

I would leave your DB to it next time.

It's very difficult. I absolutely hate favouritism and have vowed it won't happen with my family. My mother was the same. I really do not know why so many mothers seem to be like this. It is not nice being treated differently.

YANBU. My lazy abusive brother is inheriting the £600k family home simply because he never moved home. He also doesn't work and mum pays all his bills. The only way I can deal with it is to block it out.

@NoShitHemlock enjoying Sun Beam that made me lol ...

I do tell her, although it's usually the start of another argument.

Her mother, my grandmother, was similar in personality, and fell out with my cousin over nothing and refused to speak to her until literally the day she died. I feel it could go the same way the older my mother gets.

I've also tried to express to my twat brother that mum is getting difficult and needy and I am struggling he just goes "oh poor mum" and carries on with his day!

@Matilda15 omg the event thing has happened to me too. I organized all my mums birthday celebrations and paid etc and golden boys turn up and its like Jesus himself has turned up.

When younger i have actually bought her gifts she loves and said they are from bothers so shes not disappointed they got her nothing. I'm older and wiser now and won't be organizing another thing.

Not quite the same or as bad as you OP, but DB used to roll up at the end of all the work and take all the glory. He genuinely did work abroad a lot though so when he visited it was more of an occasion. I didn't feel completely unappreciated like you do though and in those circumstances would simply have to make my feelings known.

I don't have daughters, only sons, so not guilty!

OP I feel your pain about this as had similar when my DM got old - though she was independent and not needy in personality - but she did need a lot of help. Brother did F all and she had to rely on me, somewhat unwillingly. I think the scales might finally have dropped from her eyes during her final few months when he came round and bullied her, shouting that she needed to go into hospital or care (I was staying with her doing everything at the time, not that he cared and he actually refused to help). But that realisation broke her heart, so I wish it hadn't happened. There is something about mothers and sons. This same wonderful son went abroad on a beach holiday when he knew she was dying in hospital, leaving the name of an undertaker with the ward.

Me and dh decorated dm's house last December.
We were the only family that didn't get a Xmas present!
My db, aka Golden child, doesn't visit he helps by sending money.
He's v. well paid.
I call him chequebook Jerry.

Totally the reverse with MIL, her daughters have and always will come first. DH was always shut out and has no relationship with his sisters whatsoever.

My brother likes to think he's the saviour.

My parents however have him firmly pegged as the twat that does 0% of the work, and likes to swoop in at the end to take 100% of the glory

They know its me putting all the work in.

In your position, my suggestion would be to step back and let your personal Sunbeam step up.

It's historical op.
I don't blame my mum now, it's the way they were all brought up.
But I did flounce off for a while as a young adult and that recalibrated my relationship with my mum. Had I stayed in the same dynamic for years I'd be less philosophical I think.
I don't get on with my brother.

My DM is the same. The golden boy can do no wrong, and has done so much for her. Pfft I'm not sure in which universe but it isn't in this one! She forgets I go to every hospital appointment with her (which means reorganising my work and finding childcare because I'm a single parent), pay for the taxis because I don't drive, and have had to drop everything on occasion when she's needed to go to A&E. Whilst the golden boy - who is single with no kids AND drives - well, his time and occupation is far more important than mine.

And yet, all I hear is how he made her a cuppa when he visited and isn't that nice of him!

You have my sympathies, OP.

i am determined not to repeat my family history with my two kids (one of each)
I dont understand how my mum (81) can be so in thrall to my brother, when she experienced such blatant sexism from her MIL. My dad as the youngest could do no wrong, and my brother has inherited his crown.

@tootiredtobother yeah I'm determined not to do that with my DC either.