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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

464 replies

Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:01

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

OP posts:
powershowerforanhour · 28/07/2021 14:38

Maybe 45 minutes? We were all on the beach sat together

OK I take my comment back, I think 45 minutes is a good chunk of time. I thought you were going to say about 5 minutes. If either of PILs (or anyone other than DH) is playing with our children I'll usually check up about 20 minutes that they're OK and don't need a break (in fact even DH and I check on each other after a bit and tag team).

bigbaggyeyes · 28/07/2021 14:38

Next time he says he wants a wage, tell him that's fine, you'll charge him rent and expect money for food. He sounds miserable. It's a shame as your dd wants to play with him but you may have to tell her not to, as grandad doesn't feel like playing.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 14:39

[quote Bigdisappointment]@breakfasty We were all sat together at the beach. It almost felt like a trade off between him and Dm about who was looking after her, just weird I guess. I thought we were having a nice time and he was enjoying playing with her, I was wrong[/quote]
What were you doing?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:39

It was just weird, I thought all was ok, he stood up, said that and went to go off for a walk. My mum then said she’d go for a walk with her, I said it was no problem, they could go for a walk and she’d stay with me to colour, she started saying how she didn’t get to see her much and wanted to spend time with her. But she seemed angry and there was tension in the air in the car home. Just easier when it’s just me & Dd, this is harder work than a break. I’ve never asked for anything, no babysitting, nothing, never had a break in 3 years.

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 28/07/2021 14:39

I would take your Dad's comment to mean "I'm off for a walk now just to get a break from my Grand daughter for a bit".

"She always wants to play with him" - your words.

Small children are exhausting, particularly if you're not used to having them around - and let's be honest, they can be exhausting, even if you are used to having them around.
He was removing himself from the situation as he knows, while he's around, he's the one she wants as her playmate.

Sorry he upset you.

KurtWilde · 28/07/2021 14:41

I'm struggling to see what's 'exhausting' about sitting on a beach rug for 45 minutes next to a toddler who's also sat down colouring? If he was running around for that length of time I'd understand it. But sat down?? Nah he's a grumpy sod by the sounds of it.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:41

@GreyhoundG1rl we were all sat together playing with her/chatting, she was asking my dad to play because she rarely sees him and likes to play with him. What I do throughout the day is take them wherever they want to go (even though Dd and I don’t go out to places every day ) do his washing in the machine for him, get them food shopping and make an evening meal every night. I would have been happier at home, it’s more work for me to go to the beach

OP posts:
User112 · 28/07/2021 14:42

Toddlers are hard work after 15 mins.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 14:43

[quote Bigdisappointment]@GreyhoundG1rl we were all sat together playing with her/chatting, she was asking my dad to play because she rarely sees him and likes to play with him. What I do throughout the day is take them wherever they want to go (even though Dd and I don’t go out to places every day ) do his washing in the machine for him, get them food shopping and make an evening meal every night. I would have been happier at home, it’s more work for me to go to the beach[/quote]
Sorry, I meant during the 45 minutes where there looked to be a trade off as to who was "looking after" her. What were you doing that this was needed?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:43

@powershowerforanhour It was all
Of us sat together, he wasn’t really doing much tbf, she likes to chat with him, she always gets excited and goes to hug him and it’s like he just can’t, it hurts my heart

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 28/07/2021 14:43

He wasn't joking

Kids are boring so he went for a walk

Happylittlethoughts · 28/07/2021 14:44

You know your own Dad and chances are you know,when he's joking more than Internet strangers.
You must be so hurt.. I found I hurt so much more when it involved my innocent child.
What an arse! I wouldn't be entertaining him at all in my house. If he wants isolation then give it to him. Just avoid him as often as you can.
Discourage your daughter from him if they are in the same place by distracting her with engaging toys or games , or pick her up with excited chatter to "Go see what Gran/Daddy/Auntie Linda is doing!"
Let him stew on his own . Don't set your daughter up for this to continue and she's old enough to sense his rejection.

wigjuice · 28/07/2021 14:44

The poor blokes probably just wants to sit back and relax on the beach, what are you doing whilst you pass over responsibility for her?

Sisisimone · 28/07/2021 14:45

Sounds like he needed a break. Being with a toddler is tiring and quite frankly a bit boring, 45 mins is a good stint. I'm not sure why you didn't just let your mum take her for a walk when she offered. On the one hand your saying they don't spend enough time with her but then when one of them wants to do something you say no. It honestly sounds like your making the situation difficult. Is there a backstory with your parents?

Wingedharpy · 28/07/2021 14:45

How long have they been with you OP?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:45

@GreyhoundG1rl We were all just sat there and they were playing, he seemed to be enjoying it, perhaps I was supposed to interject but didn’t, perhaps they do think I’m cheeky and palming my child off on them

OP posts:
Bollindger · 28/07/2021 14:46

Ask him if he is going to back pay You Grandparents, and tell him you will contra it,

Didiplanthis · 28/07/2021 14:46

Tbh I hated playing with my own toddlers for a prolonged period of time... id rather chew my toe nails off than play with someone else's for 45 mins 🤷‍♀️

BabyDubsEverywhere · 28/07/2021 14:46

45 minutes of my own toddler's play made me want to stick my head in the oven. Many people don't enjoy it at all and only suffer it for their own kids sake.

Your toddler doesn't understand social cues yet - it a parents job to manage their expectations and to ensure they aren't monopolising other people's time. Perhaps you missed some of your dad's cues that he'd had enough of toddler time and someone else should have joined in a bit, too?

Abracadabra12345 · 28/07/2021 14:46

You were at the beach? And he was playing with her for 45 mins? Tbh I’d consider 45 mins in my own with a toddler at the beach pretty hard work. You have to really watch them!

I’d be bored, playing with a toddler for 45 minutes (it was probably longer) while you were relaxing with the DGM who was relaxing too. I’m sure he loves his gd but long stretches of time like that are too much. He probably expects the play / care to be shared with you both - but he did say that and has got jumped on for implying he thinks it’s “women’s work”. He probably expected to join in her play for a short time then relax and watch her amuse herself or play with the other two adults. If she always wants to play with him, I suspect he’s feeling it’s all a bit much. Not everyone likes this stage. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her.

The “joke” isn’t funny or appropriate and I’d be hurt too, not least because we think our children are enchanting and it’s a privilege to be chosen in this way. But maybe be sensitive to his feelings and hopefully he will be an amazing, hands on grandad when he can relate to her more?

45+ minutes - it’s a lot

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:47

@Sisisimone I did let her take her for a walk, but this was after dad said that so obviously I was giving them space if they wanted it. It’s honestly just easier with her myself

OP posts:
Doubledoorsontogarden · 28/07/2021 14:48

Is it that he sees this as women’s work? Beneath him?

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2021 14:49

He'd already played with her for 45 minutes. Unless there's a huge backstory YABVU and massively oversensitive.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:49

@Wingedharpy Nearly 3 weeks, going at the weekend

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 28/07/2021 14:49

[quote Bigdisappointment]@GreyhoundG1rl We were all just sat there and they were playing, he seemed to be enjoying it, perhaps I was supposed to interject but didn’t, perhaps they do think I’m cheeky and palming my child off on them[/quote]
Yes, I imagine they do. Allowing her to spend 45 minutes monopolising one person's time while you lie back and relax is cheeky.
Don't you see that?