Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

[Bigdisappointment]

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

I get you OP. Bit of a strange thing for him to say..

These are the parents that have invited themselves to stay, and are returning for your partners annual leave of two weeks?🙄

It sounds like hell and you sound like a ball of stress.

What a nightmare.

@LookItsMeAgain To WhatsApp them
after they’ve left! Not whilst they’re still here

[quote Bigdisappointment]@LookItsMeAgain To WhatsApp them
after they’ve left! Not whilst they’re still here[/quote]
I guessed that was when you were planning on sending a text/email/letter/whatever.
Here is a radical thought too - instead of sending a WhatsApp text message when they have left, why not have an actual conversation with them while they are still there?
Talk to them like they are actual human beings.

Are you that afraid of whatever the outcome might be that you just cannot talk to your own parents????

If your message to your parents is met with anger or animosity or hostility from them, what is your next step? Are you still going to have them back to say in a few weeks time or are you going to put your foot down and tell them not to come back to you for a while. They could still take their holiday but they would have to stay elsewhere.

How are you planning on tackling this that you can't do it in a face to face discussion with them sitting on a sofa in your lounge and you sitting across from them in a chair and actually talking this whole thing through???

Texting them after they leave is chickening out of dealing with the matter head on and sorting out whatever difficulties you all have at the moment and learning to change the dynamics and boundaries in your (collective) relationships.

People who want to be waited on hand and foot and not help out with their grandkids, need to stay in hotels!
I know it's hard OP, but people are losing patience with you because you won't do what clearly needs to be done. Which is to have an honest conversation and tell them not to just book visits and take you for granted!
There's only so long you can complain about something without taking steps to remedy it. If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
I wouldn't take to heart though, all the stuff about your sister's kids. Some people are excellent Facebook grandparents and pretty shit irl. Maybe talk to your sister and see how much help they really gave her.

Unlikely they’ll be coming back in 3 weeks, they found a small cancer in mums breast, having an op then short course of radiotherapy. She didn’t want to upset me by telling me at the start of the holiday. She says is dependant on when the op is, but didn’t seem committed to being back. I feel terrible, just for everything.

I'm so sorry to hear that Big. I hope things go well for your Mum.

@GrandmaSteglitszch I feel really low, just so guilty, I want to make them meals and be there, awful daughter 😔

You are not awful!
They have been responsible for creating a difficult atmosphere during their visit.
That's not cancelled by the fact that your Mum has a medical problem.
But, of course, you are upset and worried about her health now.

So their behaviour makes sense in the context that they are both stressed about this and not knowing when to tell you. Thank god you didn't take some posters advice and ask them to move to a hotel!
I hope your mum is OK OP. Be kind to yourself, you sound under a lot of stress yourself even without the situation with your parents.

Why would this revelation make asking the parents to stay at a hotel a bad thing?

Surely if the mother needs rest a hotel would be far easier than a house with an energetic toddler and frazzled mother?

OP could have met her parents for lunch/they could have gone to here for meals. And spent the rest of their holiday out and about doing as they pleased without inconveniencing OP or feeling cross at having her overexcited baby want to interact with them.

Why would this revelation make asking the parents to stay at a hotel a bad thing?
Lol, obviously one of the posters pushing OP to do this. She already feels guilty about not cooking meals for them at home, how do you think she would feel now if she'd asked them to leave her house? It would be just awful in the light of her being newly diagnosed.
Tbh only on mumsnet would anyone tell their own mum and dad to stay in a hotel when they came to visit from abroad anyway. Unless they literally had nowhere to sleep which is not the case here.

Don't feel bad op. You picked up that something was wrong and put it down to them not having patience with your lo. Seems like they had other things on their mind and were acting out of character. Of they had told you at the start then it would have been a completely different dynamic to their visit. Perhaps they didn't even notice your frustration with them. End of the day you sensed they weren't really up for interacting with a toddler and tried your best to make it as easy for them as possible. You cooked all their meals you went out with them every day etc. So you were being supportive as you could be without knowing what was going on.

Hope all is ok with your mum.

Hope everything is OK with your mother, OP. That's a tough message to receive.

@Sisisimone seriously what’s wrong with staying at a hotel?

The parents have found OP’s toddler annoying, have been annoyed when OP wouldn’t do exactly as they wanted every single day.

A hotel would be a lovely peaceful stay by contrast for them.

I dont think they ever said they found the toddler annoying did they? The grandfather felt like he'd had enough after 45 mins of play at the beach and headed off for a walk. OP repeatedly said her mum had said they wanted to spend time with granddaughter. Telling them to go to a hotel because her dad wanted a break after a long stint of toddler play is such an overreaction. Obviously things have been very fraught as OP has sensed something is wrong and they, rightly or wrongly, thought it best not to tell her. I'm just glad the OP knows now before any lasting damage was done and hope the mum is OK.

I don't think that in normal circumstances people would ask their parents to stay at a hotel. But where the parents want hotel service, are causing lots of additional work for the OP and are unwilling to help her at all, then a hotel is a reasonable option.
This problem is ongoing - the parents aren't behaving out of character due to the stress of the diagnosis. This is their norm. In 3 years they haven't babysat once. Fine to say no one is owed childcare, but no one is owed unlimited access to their child's home and time either.
Given the diagnosis I'd not take this right now, but I definitely would communicate before they came again that I was unhappy and that they cannot just expect all their own way constantly, visits must be agreed in advance and when they are here, they won't be constantly entertained and will be expected to pitch in.

Hope everything is ok with your mother but don't get too discouraged. My in-laws have been using medical problems from 20 years ago, for 20 years, as a way to get me to do what they want. Funnily enough, all the sacrifices that needed to be made, only needed to be made by their daughters-in-law. Everyone else (their sons) was allowed to have fun and invest in their own future, but not the women who were exhausting themselves looking after young children without help.

Your life matters too, don't let the next 20 years of your life be turned into dust out of a misplaced sense of obligation.

OP, I am sorry to hear about your mum's cancer, but it is no excuse for their behaviour. I followed your other thread and I just do not understand why they won't take themselves out.
Why do you have to do it?
They are taking advantage of you.
My differences with my father are not toddler based, but if he is displeased, everyone will know and he creates a terrible atmosphere. And I talk back to him and challenge him politely on it. We've had too many of these incidents, so I've decided he just can't stay here anymore. I am dreading the conversation when a visit is suggested, but I've had enough. My kids (who are teens) and my lovely DH do not deserve it in their home.
Do the same for your daughter. My line is going to be something like, "Sorry Dad, but you don't seem to enjoy staying at mine. There's been too many atmospheres and arguments and there is no point to it.... we will see you when we come up to stay at sisters..."
Put it back on HIM. He does not seem to enjoy it, so there's not much point. It's not a suitable holiday, because the transport there isn't good enough for them to take themselves out and you have a house to run and a daughter to look after and you just can't do their type of holiday with them.
Honestly, change something, speak up firmly and politely as you are an adult too. Or don't say anything and stay miserable?

@SheABitSpicyToday

I wouldn’t want to spend 45 minutes playing with my own kid let alone someone else’s

Sorry but I don’t expect to babysit when I visit peoples houses.

You expect to stay at someone's house, have them run around after you, taking you everywhere you want to go, cook your meals, do your laundry and hide upstairs so you are not disturbed but you don't think you should help out by watching the child from time to time? Not staying at my house thank god. You sound like a hell guest.

@honeybuns007 I haven’t mentioned anything about any of this other things, you’ve just made that bit up.

I don’t expect my guests to do any of those things btw. Or babysit my kids.

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@honeybuns007 I haven’t mentioned anything about any of this other things, you’ve just made that bit up.

I don’t expect my guests to do any of those things btw. Or babysit my kids.[/quote]
But the OP HAS said that she was doing all those things. That is the whole point. The GP (OP's parent's) have stayed in the OPs house for 3 weeks and the OP has run around after them doing all the things I mentioned. And your response was that you wouldn't expect guests to look after your dc. I am saying that if a guest was staying for 3 weeks and not lifting a finger then they would be shit guests. Playing with their GC is the least they could do

OP one thing you do need to remember which has been brought up before on other posts on DC misbehaving while visitors are staying, is that your DD has her routine and her boundaries for HER home, HER safe place. You and all the adults are expecting her to change this, without warning to suit your parents. Of course she is going to be more excited, naughty, tired when things change. It happens when taking kids on a normal holiday but your parents are sitting there judging while it all happens in your home. She should come first with some small adaptions, like a few more trips out but your parents can't moan when it's their visit that has upset her routine. It is hard work which then sets you on edge as she is harder work and makes it awkward for all. You really do need ro read about FOG though, fear obligation and guilt. Think Toxic Parents is a recommended book.