Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

464 replies

Bigdisappointment · 28/07/2021 14:01

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

OP posts:
StevenYerTeasReady · 29/07/2021 21:44

To be fair, yes it is your fault. You were told on one of your other threads that DP would resent you and you needed to sort it for his sake and you told everyone who said so that we were wrong. I'll reiterate what I said there, he has a DW problem. If you'd taken his feelings into account then you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now.

Beats me why you ask for advice when you ignore it and then complain about the situation you find yourself in.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 21:46

@StevenYerTeasReady Jesus. Thanks.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 29/07/2021 21:55

[quote Bigdisappointment]@StevenYerTeasReady Jesus. Thanks.[/quote]
I don't understand why you're saying "Jesus. Thanks" to @StevenYerTeasReady.
Plenty of us said exactly what Steven said in your other posts.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO SORT OUT YOUR OWN PROBLEM WITH YOUR PARENTS.

For the last time -
TALK TO YOUR PARENTS AND TELL THEM NOT TO COME BACK TO YOU FOR WHENEVER THEIR NEXT "HOLIDAY" IS.

DO
IT
NOW!

(and I'm not going to apologise for shouting in that post. Nothing else seems to have worked so far. If I could physically shake you to knock some sense in to you I would).

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/07/2021 22:06

[quote Bigdisappointment]@StevenYerTeasReady Jesus. Thanks.[/quote]
She's right. You've started several threads where people have tried to explain what's going on and how to tackle it. I've recommended a book that will help you understand the dynamics of your relationship with your parents. You don't seem to take any of it on board. What you want is something to say that will make them slap their foreheads and say how could we have been so horrible, we'll change our ways immediately.

It ain't going to happen. I'll give it to you straight. There is no nice way to say anything to them that will get them to change. There would be in a normal family that communicates openly and collaborates, but that isn't your mum and dad. So if you tell them straight out that you can't do this again, they'll huff and puff and call you ungrateful and sulk. It will be horrible, but it won't happen again. If you ask them very nicely to change their ways, they'll ignore you and you'll be dealing with this crap for ever.

Posting on MN might be an outlet for you, and people might sympathise which makes you feel better. But none of us can actually make a difference. Only you can. Do you want to?

Sisisimone · 29/07/2021 22:08

Told me that they know something is up and to just talk to them-really helpful
It is helpful though. For the love of God just talk to them. You talk about atmospheres, most people would have talked and sorted this out by now instead of all this passive aggressiveness. The fact you are texting your partner in your own house suggests you have real communication problems in general. Just talk and clear the air and tell them how you feel.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 22:38

@Sisisimone I text him because we don’t have a place alone to talk about it, I obviously wouldn’t normally text him, we’d just talk

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 29/07/2021 22:55

Why can't you go to your bedroom or go out in the garden or something? I presume sprog is now in bed and your parents sat down somewhere so you can both go to another room. It doesnt sound as though your parents venture in the kitchen much so you could get him in there. I think for the sake of a good long term relationship with your parents you have to upset them in the short term. If they want a 3 week holiday in your country they just spend a week of it with you and stay elsewhere the other weeks as you have your lives to live and aren't on holiday

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 23:02

@2Rebecca I’m downstairs watching tv, parents in bed, dp’s night with Dd (we co sleep) take it in turns to take her up

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 23:04

@Feedingthebirds1 He does some things with Dd but isn’t here throughout the day so doesn’t understand the extent of how things get.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 29/07/2021 23:08

Surprised she wasn't in bed hours ago. How long does it take to put her to bed? You seem to be making having 1 child very hard work

Liveandforget · 29/07/2021 23:13

@2Rebecca God you're unpleasant aren't you. Snippy, snippy comments, and referring to the dd as 'sprog'.

2Rebecca · 29/07/2021 23:19

Sprog is a normal word for child here. Calling kids sprogs isn't derogatory. I do think the OP is making life hard for herself

Tiddleandplonk · 29/07/2021 23:20

My dm used to get easliy bored with d c. She used to say go and play , the adults are talking . They were expected to go and.amuse themselves. In her generation , parents did not much play with d c and adults were more of a priority. Could your df be like that. ? It was the norm for my dm and she felt that too much attention ( rightly or wrongly was put on dc s ) .in some families they are less child centred. My df lovwd my dc but he did say that he did not want them round all the time and would tell them to go and play and the expection was clear.?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 23:21

@2Rebecca She was in bed around 9, very hot and they go to bed later in summer here. Dp asleep with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 29/07/2021 23:31

@Tiddleandplonk Possibly, it’s just that I spent so many years witnessing and hearing about their fun times with my niece & nephew when they were younger, granted they were younger too

OP posts:
WildSwimming101 · 29/07/2021 23:46

@Bigdisappointment

It sounds like you are all making an atmosphere.

You need to start learning from your mistakes. There's a Great Einstein quote that says
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I feel this is what you are doing. Doing the same thing with your parents and expecting different results. It isn't going to happen.

Stop relishing the negativity in your relationship with them.

This can be solved so easily. If you honestly think they don't treat you well then ask them not to come back.

Hardbackwriter · 30/07/2021 00:24

[quote Bigdisappointment]@Tiddleandplonk Possibly, it’s just that I spent so many years witnessing and hearing about their fun times with my niece & nephew when they were younger, granted they were younger too[/quote]
I would take the accounts of their amazing, enthusiastic care of their other grandchildren with a massive pinch of salt. You know that they're going to go home and tell your sister that they spent the whole three weeks looking after your DD, don't you? I'm sure anyone who hears their account of it will be very impressed by what dedicated grandparents they've been.

grapewine · 30/07/2021 13:58

Why do your parents visit so often anyway? It would take a toll on any relationship, and your DP seems to be over it. Another reason to ask them to stay somewhere else tbh.

Floralhousecoat · 30/07/2021 14:28

It's not fair to keep putting your dd and dp through this. I can't imagine any man putting up with this happily, nor any woman. One of the issues with my ex was that he would invite his family members over to stay for extended periods. It caused major rows and created long term resentment that never went away.

Why do this when you can have a simple conversation with your parents? If they get annoyed or upset, that's on them, not you.

I find it incredible that they will come again for 3 weeks, just a few weeks after this visit.

If you made a new thread about how to cancel your parent's next visit and keep future stays short and sweet, you'd get no end of helpful advice on how to tackle it.

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 30/07/2021 14:56

@Floralhousecoat It’s for two weeks

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 30/07/2021 15:09

Thank you for clarifying. Won't you be cancelling the next visit then?

RhonaRed · 30/07/2021 15:12

Can you discuss any of this with your mother op?

Original poster
Bigdisappointment · 30/07/2021 16:09

They leave this weekend, I’m trying to keep things nice as also oddly feel a bit guilty I’ve not made the holiday nice with my off mood and just cooking the food and leaving it out for everyone to get themselves the last few days, I think that was a big message to them..but it also makes me feel mean! Such a strange feeling of a combination of anger and resentment but also guilt and I feel sad the holiday wasn’t fun

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 30/07/2021 16:17

The leaving dinner out rather than plating up and taking through to them is good, because it means you are disengaging and withdrawing from them. This is crucial for drawing up stronger boundaries.

RhonaRed · 30/07/2021 16:17

I can't believe they didn't help with meals in some way. Is that normal in your family?

Also op you "think that was a big message for them."
Do you not think open spoken communication at a calm moment would help you all? There seems am awful lot of looks and gestures. In fact tbh your dad was maybe clearest when he gave the rather oblique message on the beach and combined it with heading off. And you still pondered over that for ages. Maybe rather like ripping off a plaster quickly you would all be better actually speaking clearly about how to improve things, albeit with tact.