Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

[Bigdisappointment]

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

@Floralhousecoat It felt awful though, like I was deliberately being shitty and they knew it. When I said I’ve left it out as don’t know what everyone wants etc, dad said ‘That's fine’ he’s said a couple of times in the past that we’re all adults and can get our own and that I shouldn’t be making meals every night..my mum just keeps quiet

It's natural for things to become tense when you change the normal pattern of behavior, because they are expecting you to be the doormat they trained you to be. Of course they'll be annoyed that you don't do everything they want, because in their way of thinking, that's the right thing to do. You just have to remember that you are no longer JUST their daughter whose time and effort belongs solely to them, you are now also a wife and mother and adult and your time also belongs to your husband, child, and yourself.

Over time, as they get used to a different way of doing things, it will settle down.

Another way to handle this is, instead of allowing your mood to be "off," just decide on firm boundaries and do not allow them to be crossed, but do so in a cheerful way. This may require some preparing in advance to handle the opposition that you know will be coming. An example - Them: "Oh we've booked for two weeks in July and three in August!" You (cheerfully): "That doesn't work for us, you'll have to cancel the August booking" Them: "But we've already paid, we'll be out of pocket." You (cheerfully): It can't be helped. I told you last year that you needed to check with me before you booked your trips." Them: "But how can we afford to pay for trips we won't be going on? It's a lot of money! We were expecting to stay with you in August." You: I told you last year that you would need to ask me first before you booked your trip. Have to go, daughter needs my help with something. Love you both, bye!"

You would be amazed what a cheerful tone and total immovability can accomplish once you try it.

Have you seriously not spoken to them yet?

You’re right, that will be a big one for me though. The meals is a small start and still makes me feel as though they think I’m in a mood and punishing them somehow.
We also had an incident this morning. Yesterday I said we were staying in (Dd and I) but that they should go out. I said that Dd and I don’t go out every day and we were both tired, they went out and there was an atmosphere. Today I heard them upstairs discussing if we were going out (it’s more my dad that wants to go somewhere every day) I appreciate we’re in a beautiful place with so many things to see, but it’s just different now with Dd, she has difficult days and has been a nightmare this past week, so naughty and rude. We ended up going somewhere nearby and Dd was terrible, she didn’t want to walk and said she was tired. We ended up sitting for a quick drink but then had to leave as she was playing up.
I just really feel now, I need to do a huge overhaul of expectations and basically how things are now and set them out.
It’s not fair to feel like I’m letting them down if I stay at home for one day, they said it was no problem at all..but I can see it is, I’m not doing it, need to put a plan in place where I basically say that we likely won’t go out every day due to Dd getting tired, but of course they are welcome to (this means walking only nearby though, so not many options) also I need to split the cooking perhaps between us all, two nights each for example. It could be so nice and relaxed this way, but instead I feel a lot of pressure. It will be hard as it’s different to before Dd was here, but I have been trying to make changes since she was born. I remember when they first came to visit after Dd was born, she was around 2 months old and I said in advance I needed help and wouldn’t be able to make meals etc and go out everyday (as if that wasn’t obvious) we had a few more takeaways, but I still remember cooking a fair bit and my dad wanting to go out lots. I remember struggling with the trolley when we got out of the car and just getting so angry and upset to my mum, telling her I was so tired

@aloris Sorry, the above was to you that you’re right

@Sisisimone They leave this weekend. I’m going to write them a well thought out message about the cooking and going out and DD’s routine etc. It’s easier for me to put it down in words

"I would take the accounts of their amazing, enthusiastic care of their other grandchildren with a massive pinch of salt. You know that they're going to go home and tell your sister that they spent the whole three weeks looking after your DD, don't you?"

Yes, this is what's going to happen.

The number of toddlers who can self-entertain is small, in my opinion. I don't think there was a mythical past where small children entertained themselves. I think families were bigger and there were older girls around who were put to work entertaining the toddlers while the boys were allowed to go outside and play and the adults did other things (especially the men). Young women and girls have always been expected to skivvy around, serving other people, while everyone else is higher status and expects to be provided with a nice time, otherwise the young women and girls are being "moody."

Oh for sure they’ll tell me sister all they did..I’d imagine they’ll also say how difficult Dd is, because she has been and I feel judged for that too

"Staying together, on your visits, isn't working out for us, is it?
How about if you book accommodation nearer to where there are things to do, and we can meet up on some days?"

Although you said ; I imagine they’re slagging me off, saying how awful I am. If that is what they are like, you may not get a good response.

However, instead of caving in, that's when you need to insist on them staying elsewhere.

DH thinks it's your fault? Well, it is if you know they'll create an unpleasant atmosphere and you still ask them to stay with you .

@GrandmaSteglitszch No, Dp doesn’t think from that point of view. He thinks I’m being unfair to them as they’d be upset if they knew I thought that and that I’m the one who shouldn’t be moody..see why I feel confused/guilty yet resentful, it’s complex

For just one moment can you stop "trying to keep things nice" and just TALK to your parents about their next visit. Please???????

If you didn't find it fun, they surely didn't and you simply MUST clear the air before they leave.

Stop being a doormat or having mug tattooed on your forehead or being a people pleaser as you're not being a people pleaser. They have probably had an awful time but you are both so oblivious to the issues at hand that neither they nor you will actually speak up and clear the air.

Okay, DP has got it wrong that you should just put up and shut up.
But you should deal with it so it doesn't keep happening - as lots of people here are telling you.

[quote Bigdisappointment]@Sisisimone They leave this weekend. I’m going to write them a well thought out message about the cooking and going out and DD’s routine etc. It’s easier for me to put it down in words[/quote]
FFS!

Yes, because a carefully worded letter is so much better than talking through things...

I give up!

@LookItsMeAgain That’s ok! You don’t need to be commenting on here, just being rude isn’t helpful, it’s ok, please just find something else to do then. Thank you for your help.

TBF much as I love my DCs I would have zero interest in spending what little free time I have playing with their toddler DCs. I outsourced that bit when mine were small.

Why can't your DP get a taxi to places or drive your car/get a hire car?

Perhaps you need to explain that they need to use your place more like a B&B and go off and do things they want to do and you see them when it fits in with DD.

Lunch and evening meals they can either eat out or sort something else out at yours for themselves unless agreed with you the day before and it fits in with you, DD and your DH plans/meal time.

[quote Bigdisappointment]@LookItsMeAgain That’s ok! You don’t need to be commenting on here, just being rude isn’t helpful, it’s ok, please just find something else to do then. Thank you for your help.[/quote]
She isn't being rude, it was no doubt said out of frustration.

You've said you love your parents, presumably they love you too ~ talk to them before they go, don't write to them , that's too odd.

@butterpuffed I don’t think it’s that odd, I’m
not writing a letter to them, a WhatsApp message, which is how we communicate from a distance anyway.

Maybe it is odd and we’re all odd

@butterpuffed There’s a way of giving advice, which many have done, many of the comments are just getting angry at me and saying ffs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe just say, in the similarly jokey way your Dad used to say he wanted a wanted a wage:

"Next time, for the sake of all our sanity, maybe you guys could book into an Airbnb in town?

I can see it's a bit boring with dd's routine being prioritised all the time, so it might be a bit more of a holiday for you"

How would that work?

It is odd though OP. They're right there sat with you. You have the perfect opportunity to talk about why everyone is fraught, what everyone's expectations are and how the situation can be improved going forward. WhatsApp messages can be horribly misconstrued.

You actually ran around after your parents when they visited two months post partum?

You’re doing this to yourself.

I’d have done exactly as I pleased and told them to do as they wished I wasn’t going to be joining them due to new baby and lack of sleep etc.

They’re selfish but you’re playing the role of doormat. Why do you care if they’re huffy or upset, you should be huffy and upset with them, they’re imposing on you and your home being horrible to your baby and riding roughshod over your routine.

They can afford to buy you a fridge and they can afford two holidays within weeks they can afford a hotel and taxis.

Nobody on here is actually being rude to you. You’re choosing to ignore advice and continue hand wringing.

Your parents are not going to help you, they are not going to babysit, they are going to continue to descend on you for prolonged periods of time and expect you to be their skivvy and race around after them and wait on them hand and foot to the detriment of you.

Up to you to choose to continue to allow this.

And of course your DP is going to shrug and step back. Not his circus.

Only you know your relationship and if you find it to difficult to raise the issues face to face, then don't.
It will however be less effective if it's over a message, especially when this whole situation arose from what could have been a misunderstanding, there will be a higher chance of you misjudging each other's meaning and mood over message.

My dad is obsessed with our DS (4 years old) as he is with him, I am was constantly saying, come on give grandad a rest, let grandad have his drink, but I was constantly met with "it's ok leave him", so I just leave them to it now.

I get the sense they are maybe not very hands on grandparents (which is entirely up to them) a comment like that seems a bit throw away, while I do think it best to have a civilised conversation face to face, if a message is all you can muster, do that.

Oh and yes, stop doing everything for everyone, except your DD obviously.

[quote Bigdisappointment]@butterpuffed There’s a way of giving advice, which many have done, many of the comments are just getting angry at me and saying ffs 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
I gave you advice. Politely.

On this thread.
On your previous thread.

You have decided to ignore that advice (which is your right to do) but to suggest that you are going to send your parents a WhatsApp message when they are still in your home before they have left, is bizarre, weird, strange and unnecessary when you could TALK TO THEM!!!!!!

That's what I was going "FFS!" about and yes, I'm getting fucking angry at you wringing your hands, saying 'Woe is me, what can I do...I don't know what to do...there is such an atmosphere' when your own DH has told you (by WhatsApp message as you previous divulged) that you are the cause of the atmosphere.

If you're not going to take my advice, take the advice of several others who have said "TALK TO YOUR PARENTS" (as in physically speak to them, not by text or carrier pigeon or email).