Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

[Bigdisappointment]

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

@Bigdisappointment why does it matter if they might be slagging you off or saying you’re awful? How can you be so wrapped up in what your parents think at 40+ years old? It truly doesn’t matter what they think!

You’re not 5 - you don’t need to fear your parents being angry with you. So there’s an atmosphere? You know what you do? You ignore it. You get busy enjoying your day with your daughter.

Practise being okay with that feeling of panic or stress or whatever it is. Whatever you do, don’t apologise to bend over backwards to placate them. You don’t need to constantly try to please them.

@LookItsMeAgain
Nope. I haven’t seen any other threads or gone looking as I thought that was against the troll hunting rules.

Also, I referred specifically to the posts which stated she was being ridiculous to expect people to provide childcare. The ones that perpetuated the belief that she should just suck it up and get on with it because it’s her child. That she should expect no help from other adults in the home. The ones who define interacting with the children whose home you’re staying in as “childcare”

You will feel so much better when you learn to detach a bit from your parents and not care about what they think. This is your house, daughter and life. Claim it.

Definitely tell them that they need to make alternative arrangements to stay somewhere else when they return, it was a nasty & unnecessary comment, I'm not surprised you're upset, particularly as you've been run ragged hosting them for the past few weeks

@legosunqueen That’s exactly how I feel 💐

Having read all these comments op, what will you do re their next visit?

Clearly, these visits negatively impact you, your dp, and of course your dd. Children know when someone's not interested in engaging with them and for their grandparents to behave this way is likely to make her feel less than good about herself.

I wouldn't be beyond developingCovid the day before they are next due tbh.

Yep, develop covid symptoms a few days before they're due their next visit.

Dont pander to them op. This is why my mother like this in her 70s. I took a major step back. Its child like behaviour.

My grandparents never really played with us though but were still loving grandparents. It was always expected that the adults sat and talked whilst the children played amongst themselves or when I was the only one my parents played with me although there wasn't the expectation of adults continuously entertaining children then. I think clarifying that they aren't to view staying with you as a "holiday" because you need them to help or for them to stay in a hotel if a holiday is what they want may help. It's odd they don't help at all. I gave my 82 year old dad some jobs to do when he was with me last week ( just chopping veg, helping me at the allotment). If you treat them like hotel guests that's what they'll expect.

@2Rebecca But surely if you saw your daughter struggling (as I clearly am at the moment with Dd) you’d try to help? Not necessarily with her (although I would) but even with dinners etc

I didn't realise at the beginning of this thread that you are the poster who posted recently about her parents staying! Blimey, things definitely haven't improved have they?! I bet you can't wait for the weekend.

I’ve had this with my dad. He has no interest in the kids or us. Doesn’t want to see us unless it suits him, never looks after the kids even on the odd occasion we’ve had no one else to help. I know he doesn’t have to but he had significant help from grandparents when we were younger so you think he’d want to do the same. We don’t see him much now. It’s taken me a long time to get over that hurt that he’s not interested in my kids but I can’t make him and I feel so much better now I no longer try. There’s no way I could have him in my house for three weeks so I think that needs to be your starting point for next time. We’re happy for you to visit but please find somewhere else to stay. Just be prepared that they don’t actually want to visit and as it’s no longer a free holiday that they don’t come.

Does your mum say much at all OP?

We live in a holiday destination and have had a bit of this.

Friends and family rocking up, expecting to have a fully inclusive holiday, while simultaneously judging how we lived our lives, our standards and how we raised our kids.

Slowly but surely we turned away requests to stay. Now it's very rare that we accept guests.

Just been texting with Dp (difficult to find space to talk in the house about it all)
He more or less blames me. Says the stress of Dd is causing me to be awful and angry and create an atmosphere. Told me that they know something is up and to just talk to them-really helpful. Is this actually my fault?!

@Graffittiunderpass Were your parents like this when/if they stayed?

It's not the stress of your perfectly normal daughter, it's the stress of your perfectly entitled selfish parents.

You haven't caused this, except by your unwillingness to put a stop to their overlong visits.

What do you plan to do op? Especially re their next impending visit? Can you put your dd, dp and self through this again?

@Takenoprisoner Thank you, he doesn’t seem to think the same though

You’re printer isn’t at home all the time with your parents.

Why are you afraid to politely tell them this is not working DD is clearly excited to see them and they’re feeling hard done by having a toddler being a toddler in her own home. So in three weeks time when they come for their next holiday they should stay in a hotel/Airbnb/anywhere but your house and you’ll see them for a meal or something so they can relax and enjoy their holiday.

Partner not printer 🤦🏻‍♀️

@frazzledasarock

Partner not printer 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry @frazzledasarock i shouldn't laugh but did

Just been texting with Dp (difficult to find space to talk in the house about it all)
He more or less blames me. Says the stress of Dd is causing me to be awful and angry and create an atmosphere.

And what interaction does this prince have with them? Does he do any of the cooking, driving, playing with DD, doing bedtime? Or does he come in, nod at them and start playing on his phone leaving you to do it all? (And is that what he does when your parents aren't here either?)

@Bigdisappointment not my parents, but my late MIL and some other close relations and friends.

This is your third post in the last few weeks . You had many good responses to your first post about your parents booking to come twice in the same summer holiday .

Many posters stated that this is going to come between you as a couple .

Take notice . Why are you continuing to post about your passivity?

When they leave , tell them you cannot cope with their next visit and they are not to come . Yes the fallout will be very very uncomfortable, but change is uncomfortable and you have to ride it out .

Your relationship is very ambivalent ... you need to read up on this type of attachment and notice how your self worth is tied up in their validation . You need to work on validating yourself ... you would benefit from working on this with a counsellor . There are many counsellors working via zoom in the UK.

Nobody on Mumsnet can change your situation ... only you can do that .