Wanting a wage for playing with his granddaughter

[Bigdisappointment]

This is what my dad ‘Joked’ well, he wasn’t laughing about today.
Parents come to stay with us, he was playing with toddler Dd, she always wants to play with him. He played for a bit, then stood up and said he was going to the bank to get his wage. Confused, I asked ‘Wage for what?’ He said ‘For this’ meaning playing/looking after Dd,
Aibu to feel hurt that he obviously begrudges spending time with her, I'd rather he didn’t if he didn’t want to.
How involved are your parents with your kids? Feel disappointed in mine a lot.

@2Rebecca You presumed a lot of things in that post

You said you "never " got a break from your child which made it sound as though you never got away from her and are desperate to share the childcare

@2Rebecca Right. No I don’t get a break and never ask for one, but after running around after everyone else and making everything nice for them, why no consideration for me

There can be consideration for you that doesn’t involve childcare. They could do housework. They could cook.
The bit that is unreasonable is expecting them to play with your daughter when they have made it clear that they don’t like doing it. Why they don’t, well who knows.
You don’t need to make a fuss about it. Just say: granddad is tired. Play by yourself. And rinse and repeat. Yes he won’t have a relationship with his granddaughter but maybe right now he doesn’t want to.
You are tired, you have done a lot for them. They can repay your kindness in ways that doesn’t involve looking after your child or playing with her.

@Feedingthebirds1

OP putting this incident aside it seems like time to re-evaluate your relationship with your parents. You feel obliged to accede to their every demand and would feel enormous guilt if you said no, which is why you never do. You are sorted in all other areas of your life, but you almost revert to a child around them, wanting their love and approval and involvement in your life. But sometimes it doesn't work like that, and parental love comes with strings or conditions attached.

I recommend reading 'Out of the FOG' ]]. Your situation might not be as bad as some people experience, but some of it will ring bells. You'll have a better understanding of the relationship, and learn to understand your response to it and how to handle it.

Good luck.

@Bigdisappointment, I read your first thread and then this one and as a daughter with parents like yours and who spent some time living abroad I would strongly recommend the book that has been linked.

I don't understand why you don't simply say to them that their comments are upsetting and hurtful, she's a small child that enjoys playing with her grandparents, and considering you've been cooking for them meals, washing up after them etc a little 'give and take' would go a long way. It doesn't have to be stroppy or confrontational, just a statement from you.

It's the same as the garden gate scenario, a simple 'I'm not asking you to take care of her, simply ensure her safety whilst you stay with us, isn't me palming her off in you'

I'd actually go so far as to say that they need to find alternative accommodation next time they come to stay if they find being around small children difficult

Wtf has anyone here actually played with a toddler for 45 minutes straight ?! It's well fucking painful. I'm not surprised he wanted a break. Sounds like a massive case of PFB

I don’t understand some of these comments.

I have never left my children with anyone other than my husband. I’ve never expected other people to provide childcare.

But that’s not what you’re doing either! You’re expecting them to entertain her a little bit while you do dinner and other bits for them. It’s crazy that you’re expected to do it all while they sit there being waited on. Is it because you’re a woman? I can’t imagine if a dad was in your situation you’d be getting such shitty comments about “expecting other people to provide childcare”.

They’re adding to your work load, the least they can do is play with your daughter while you attend to that. You’re not asking them to get her up, dressed, fed, take her out for the day, bathed or put her to bed.

It’s not too much to ask that they play with her while they’re staying with you.

I’m seeing a great deal of misogyny on here.

You have stated multiple times now that you never get a break, haven't had a break for 3 years. It's clearly something you feel very resentful about. I wonder if you expect them to completely pick up the slack when they're with you whilst they want to see you and your dd and at the same time enjoy a holiday. Have you talked to them about how much you are struggling? They are your dds grandparents but they don't owe you any childcare. You seem to think because they helped out your sister they should be helping you but this appears to be different time, different situation, different country even. Where is your DP in all of this? You mention one but he isn't present in any if the scenarios you are finding difficult, day or night. Is he any help to you at all? If you are struggling it is for you and DP to find solutions not the fault of your parents. And yes if you struggle more when they are there for too long let them know that you can only cope with a couple of weeks at a time. Telling your own parents to go to a hotel when they visit from abroad is awful though. I dont believe anyone would do that unless they were incredibly toxic which they don't seem to be.

I have a suspicion that the OP won't be back unless it is under a new name, complaining about how her parents are overstaying their welcome, not doing enough (in her eyes) to help her out and yet she is rolling out the red carpet and letting them walk all over her.

If I'm annoying you @Bigdisappointment, good! Perhaps you might direct some of that annoyance at your parents and finally have it out with them.

Do something about your situation.
Tell your parents that the second visit can't happen or if it is to happen they have to stay elsewhere.
But stop having "Doormat" stamped on your forehead!

@LookItsMeAgain Just pure tension in the house this morning. I want my space back

[quote Bigdisappointment]@LookItsMeAgain Just pure tension in the house this morning. I want my space back[/quote]
Quick and guaranteed to work - tell your parents to go!

It's not working out this visit, and they shouldn't expect to be welcomed back with open arms in a few weeks time. They should look elsewhere for their next break.

It will work.

Stop being such a wuss and take the bull by the horns.

I’m seeing a great deal of misogyny on here.

Are you @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken ??

I don't see that at all. I see one group of people arguing that if grandparents are staying in the house being looked after, the least they can do is entertain DD.

Whilst the other group are saying that grandparents don't owe you childcare, may be tired, bored, not able to play for long and that many grandparents like to see their grandchildren without being left to entertain them for long periods.

I think that discussion would have gone the same way regardless of the sex if the grandparent.

Interestingly, grandmother in this scenario isn't mentioned much at all.
Although I have got a bit lost I admit so I'm happy to be told I'm wrong about this bit

Why does dd want grandad all the time and not grandma? Doesn't that imply that she actually enjoys his company more/has a better relationship with him?

Why does dd want grandad all the time and not grandma? Doesn't that imply that she actually enjoys his company more/has a better relationship with him?

Toddlers usually pick up when they're not wanted and there's no interaction and graduate t someone else.

They also pick up on tension in the house.

"Yes, it’s just how to say to them to come for shorter times without upsetting them."

So you might upset them. So what? They have really upset you! Why is it ok for them to upset you but not the other way around? They are adults, they should be able to handle a little conflict. Adult daughters are allowed to have their own lives, wants, and needs that differ from what satisfies their parents. You are a person, not a service bot.

"no more than two weeks stay (I have actually said this before as they once stayed for just over 3 weeks)"

If you have tried to set boundaries before and they are still coming for long periods (I seem to recall they have chosen a 3 week stay and a 2 week stay, so actually it's longer cumulative time than before you told them their visits were too long.) So why, when they booked their visit, which failed to comply with your instructions (no more than 2 weeks), did you not assert the boundary you had previously stated? Even if it had cost them money because they booked before checking with you, you could have said, "I told you last time that I am not able to have you for more than 2 weeks. You'll have to cancel or rebook for just 2 weeks."

To me it sounds like you tried to set a very reasonable boundary and they bulldozed over it using the knowledge that if they had already purchased the tickets, you would feel like you were making them "out of pocket" by telling them you couldn't host them for that long. But if you did say that, their problem would not have been caused by you, but by their own choice to ignore your boundary.

I get the impression you are having trouble standing up for yourself when it comes to them. Maybe you need to start by setting smaller boundaries with them, to give yourself confidence that it is ok to be your own person and not just their personal hotelier. This would also give them some warning that when you set a boundary, you mean it, and they should respect it. Maybe you could stop cooking dinner and tell them they'll need to start eating out (at their own expense, of course) because hosting them has worn you out both physically and financially. If they start saying that your daughter is behaving badly, I think it is ok to respond that having them there "for such a long time" has disrupted her normal routine and put her out of sorts.

@butterpuffed

Why does dd want grandad all the time and not grandma? Doesn't that imply that she actually enjoys his company more/has a better relationship with him?

Toddlers usually pick up when they're not wanted and there's no interaction and graduate t someone else.

They also pick up on tension in the house.

That's my point I think.

My mum and dad are pretty hands off grandparents he's 9 and they've babysat 3 times and had him overnight once but my dad is similar to op's dad I think.
(IE he will play in a really fun way but only in short bursts then will magically discover a job that needs doing.)
My mum is very much a watcher, liked to watch ds potter about as a toddler but didn't get involved.
Ds naturally gravitated to my dad and craved his attention and was quite neutral towards my mum.

So I suppose that's my perspective on this thread, if the dd wants grandad's attention all the time it's probably because he is fun or gives positive attention but sounds like he is only prepared to do that in small doses.

I absolutely don’t buy that if this was a male OP, saying his parents had been to stay for three weeks, he was the SAHP and was cooking, cleaning and running around after the parents and they were making snarky comments about spending time with their grandchild, he would be getting anywhere near the grief this female OP has.

Honestly I'd cancel the next visit after they've gone home. Why would you put yourself through this again, especially so soon? You could be 'ill' just before they're due their next visit. And it needn't be a lie, your mental health needs to recover after this awful visit.

They are extremely entitled, expecting to be waited on and entertained for weeks on end, but unwilling to muck in with family life and put up with the foibles of a small child who's no doubt overstimulated by their long visits.

If she good enough to put them up they should pitch in instead of sitting around!! Op I feel for you Im sure you tired. Toddlers are full of energy as we know

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I absolutely don’t buy that if this was a male OP, saying his parents had been to stay for three weeks, he was the SAHP and was cooking, cleaning and running around after the parents and they were making snarky comments about spending time with their grandchild, he would be getting anywhere near the grief this female OP has.

Have you read the OP's other thread(s) as she changes her name depending on the issue at hand?

If this was a bloke who had written the thread (or even his wife complaining about her husband), I do think that he would be getting this amount of grief. This is not a stand-alone incident. This has been going on and building for the past 3 weeks or more.
There would be people there saying (if the wife wrote it about her ineffective husband) that she should consider leaving him because he is putting his parents first, first time, every time.
If it was a bloke writing about his parents, he would be getting the due amount of grief and being told to "find his spine" "grow some balls" and basically have a discussion with his parents about how they are inconveniencing the whole household, how they are causing an atmosphere in the house and how they just cannot expect to be put up for 3 weeks or even 3 more weeks.

This morning they asked if we were doing anything today (we’ve been out somewhere every day, which is nice, but also quite exhausting as Dd and I usually have some chill days at home and in the garden)
I said we were staying at hone to rest as I was tired and we usually don’t go out everyday and DD’s behaviour has been wild the last few days. I said they should go out to get space/time away and have a break. They’ve gone for a walk I assume and I’ve been able to tidy up, mop and just have a bit of alone time with Dd. Mum looked hurt/put pit in particular. I hate having this atmosphere, I imagine they’re slagging me off, saying how awful I am

+Put out

The are so miserable and selfish!!!

They want entertaining as if they were the DC.

This is OPs dad....why do random strangers on the internet who have never met him think that they know whether he is joking better than she does?

Why do people keep saying that as if they think they’ve just had the most original thought ever?

People responded to the OP in an entirely appropriate way - the vast majority of people would have been making an affectionate joke had they said that. Clearly there is much more to this situation, but the first people to respond can only comment based on the information given.

When further context was added, answers reflected that.