AIBU to not want my son to do a class I can't observe?

[RainyNightInTallinn]

My DS4 is obsessed with martial arts. I found what appears to be a great Karate school which does classes for 3-12 year olds and looks really good. Only thing is they say parents can't observe the classes, not even the free trial class. They said it's to develop self-esteem and protect the privacy of all students.

Problem is, I feel uncomfortable just taking my shy 4-year-old along and sending him in along for an hour without me ever having met these teachers, not knowing this school, etc. These people are total strangers to me. AIBU? Am I being overprotective? I know we essentially do the same thing at normal school, but at school there are many adults, oversight, etc. at this karate school it's a couple who run it and teach groups of 4 kids at a time.

@pleasedonttextmyman

unless you run a survey I don’t think you can say it’s not normal with any authority.

I’m not sure how well a parent without experience in martial arts would be able to determine how well a class is taught.

you don't need to be a martial art expert to have an opinion on a class teaching a 4 year old, it's pretty obvious.

Do YOU teach a martial art class banning parents? Do you actually know any?

So you can have a person teaching kids incorrect technique, but as long as you are able to witness them speak nicely and the kids don’t seem to mind them, it’s all good?

No I don’t have any knowledge of martial arts school except the ones my nephews go to. 1 with enough space for parents one without.

I do run a dance school though, that do not let parents in (Covid, space, distraction and parents that don’t understand silence and treat it as a mother’s meeting - depending on venue).

Ours went to a Jujitsu club when younger.
First class was a free trial; and parents were invited to stay if they wanted, either sitting quietly at the side of the dojo or waiting in the building.
Family run business, dad was well known and we'll respected in the field, both older kids involved. UK, so yes up-to-date disclosures etc.

Normally students attended regular classes without parents but parents were always welcome to chat about how they were doing and there were regular family events (picnics, fundraising events etc)

I think most places that offer classes for youngsters would be open to parent staying close by for their first trial visit.

Martial Arts is often incredible for kid's confidence.

I did Judo as a child and like your son, I cried for weeks when my parents left. But after about a month I came out of my shell. It was a real discipline and I continued with it for years until I hit the cool teenager phase and I regularly think about taking it back up.

In hindsight, the lack of parental supervision, gave me an ownership of the sport if that makes sense? It was entirely mine and as a shy child that was a real novelty for me. Everything publicly I had, I tended to share with my parents/sister. Beyond that, it's also not a team sport which he may find appealing? Something like football is a very tiered structure, you get the good players and you get the benched ones, whereas martial arts tends to focus on the child's individual progress.

Whilst four is tiny, I really wouldn't let this from dissuading you from trying him with it. If not now, perhaps at five/six. Whilst he might hate being left, that doesn't mean he'll hate the class. He will be alone in school and he will do just fine, what's the difference?

I completely understand that not observing makes you uncomfortable and I find it quite unusual that you're not allowed to observe a class with him, however? Is that their policy or due to Covid? Is there another martial arts class you could try him with?

I wouldn’t like that at his age, 4 is still very young. At the very least I would expect to be able to have a brief tour of the premises and be able to sit in on a trial lesson before I’d leave them on their own.

Of course it's normal.
The teacher will allow a mum to stay for for the first 10 minutes to view.
If you'd already seen teacher certificates, Within that time you'd know from the atmosphere and behaviour of all the other kids if this was a nice class.

My DDs mixed martial arts class is the same - no parents, for the reasons that the children learn and focus better and also the dojo is not big enough to accommodate parents. For my shy 4.5 year old it’s been brilliant! I stay close by of course. For her ballet class parents can watch and it’s definitely a massive distraction - DD actually asked me to not watch her and watch something on my phone instead!

Faultymain5

So you can have a person teaching kids incorrect technique, but as long as you are able to witness them speak nicely and the kids don’t seem to mind them, it’s all good?

some of us expect a bit more than "speaking nicely" and that's not what martial is about in the first place, but if it makes YOU happy

if I wasn't allowed to see a trial class my gut reaction would be "what are they hiding?"
I wouldn't care about any explanation. I just wouldn't trust them after that.
same with playgroups.

the last thing I'd want to do is having to sit through every single class. I'm paying for my child to learn something and have fun AND for me to have a half an hour or so off!
But not being able to observe at all smells like rotten fish to me.

@RainyNightInTallinn

My DS4 is obsessed with martial arts. I found what appears to be a great Karate school which does classes for 3-12 year olds and looks really good. Only thing is they say parents can't observe the classes, not even the free trial class. They said it's to develop self-esteem and protect the privacy of all students.

Problem is, I feel uncomfortable just taking my shy 4-year-old along and sending him in along for an hour without me ever having met these teachers, not knowing this school, etc. These people are total strangers to me. AIBU? Am I being overprotective? I know we essentially do the same thing at normal school, but at school there are many adults, oversight, etc. at this karate school it's a couple who run it and teach groups of 4 kids at a time.

I would never leave a child of that age in a class alone. and never heard of it at that age. maybe for swimming lessons.

Lots of classes don't allow parents as they prove a huge distraction for the children. Covid has made this even more so.

If you don't like that, then don't send your son but I don't think that it is hugely unusual.

Could you meet teacher before the class? Or speak to them on the phone?

My DD started ballet at 3. Closed door policy. Teacher would take them from 2.5 if they were ready to wave bye to Mom at the door.

DD2 adored the classes and teacher, and was always happy to go into class.
Her gymnastics club also doesn’t allow parents to stay.

It did feel a little strange to me at first. But it worked very well.

Seems a shame to not at least try it out, especially if it seems well run.
Your little boy will quickly tell you if it is for him or not. If he has a passion for it, it seems a shame to compromise on quality.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba
spot on

Any decent martial art class can handle a few parents watching and has nothing to hide. Even a mixed-age class can be run pretty well without the little ones being left out, but you can't know until you see it.

@pleasedonttextmyman

Faultymain5

So you can have a person teaching kids incorrect technique, but as long as you are able to witness them speak nicely and the kids don’t seem to mind them, it’s all good?

some of us expect a bit more than "speaking nicely" and that's not what martial is about in the first place, but if it makes YOU happy

It was a query if that was your expectation. Not a statement🤨 So prey tell what is your expectation of a good quality class for your child in a subject/activity you know nothing about?

@MomOfTwoGirls2
Could you meet teacher before the class? Or speak to them on the phone?

Exactly, it’s not hard to get around this. But the whole sitting there, silently, watching. If only that were what all parents wishing to view were doing.

@Abetes

Lots of classes don't allow parents as they prove a huge distraction for the children. Covid has made this even more so. If you don't like that, then don't send your son but I don't think that it is hugely unusual.

This in a nutshell. In our school, some parents mind some don’t. It’s up to you where you spend your money ultimately.

I wouldn't like that.

My 5 year old started a small dance class this year and no parents were allowed in at all because of COVID. But the difference was its in a little village hall where we could stay outside (and she asked us to the first couple of weeks in case there was any issues because they're so young), we could see through the massive windows and the car park is right outside the door. And it's not competitive like a martial arts class is.

I wouldn't send my child at 5 (or younger) in somewhere that I couldn't see, with an unknown adult into a competitive class that they might hate.

"And it's not competitive like a martial arts class is. "

It's not supposed to be competitive.

Now I remember how angst ridden Mn mothers are.

@Oblomov21

Now I remember how angst ridden Mn mothers are.

wanting to check a class for a 4 year old, yes, that's being "angst ridden", what a silly comment.

angst-ridden mothers??

wtaf @Oblomov21
can't you understand that most parents what to make sure their CHILDREN feel safe and settled in a brand new environment with strangers?!
It's not about the parents. it's about the kids.
maybe you don't care about throwing small children in the deep end or maybe your kids have been unusually confident aged 4. I know that I was so I get that.

but most kids need their parents when starting something new. And of course parents want to see what the heck is going on, why wouldn't they?

you are being unnecessarily judgemental and passive aggressive

@Oblomov21

Now I remember how angst ridden Mn mothers are.

I think that’s unfair. I personally can’t stand the ones who book 3 different classes back to back so they get a couple of hours free. Like we’re a babysitting service.

But I still acknowledge how they parent is up to them.

I don't think it's 'angst ridden' to try to get an idea of the service that is being paid for.

I used to teach martial arts classes. Never had any problems whatsoever with parents staying to watch. If you're engaging the child, they forget their parents are there. After a while, the parents are normally happy to dump and run. I'd be wary of anywhere saying that its not acceptable. Sounds strange to me.

The club I used to train with didn’t allow parents to watch classes- it was felt that it was too much of a distraction for the kids, and if a child was too young to be left with instructors for an hour, they were too young to be learning. Parents were allowed to join the classes though, if they were concerned about safeguarding.

I think you need to try to land your helicopter and let your child try this out.

It can be really disruptive having parents in the class and children nearly always settle much better without parents hanging around.

The teachers will fetch you in your child really can't settle.