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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my son to do a class I can't observe?

180 replies

RainyNightInTallinn · 28/07/2021 10:54

My DS4 is obsessed with martial arts. I found what appears to be a great Karate school which does classes for 3-12 year olds and looks really good. Only thing is they say parents can't observe the classes, not even the free trial class. They said it's to develop self-esteem and protect the privacy of all students.

Problem is, I feel uncomfortable just taking my shy 4-year-old along and sending him in along for an hour without me ever having met these teachers, not knowing this school, etc. These people are total strangers to me. AIBU? Am I being overprotective? I know we essentially do the same thing at normal school, but at school there are many adults, oversight, etc. at this karate school it's a couple who run it and teach groups of 4 kids at a time.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 28/07/2021 12:25

My 4 year old son does gymnastics, technically they say that parents don't stay for the class but my DH was allowed to stay for the first couple of times and then for the first ten minutes or so til DS settles. So it might be a 'rule' that they don't enforce particularly strongly?

sasparilla1 · 28/07/2021 12:25

I think you should be allowed to watch a trial class to make sure it's suitable for your son, that's it taught in a manner that works for your son and to just make sure you're not wasting your money!

But after that, then I can't see why parents can't wait outside in their in their cars or just drop off. I've done this with swimming lessons.

mindutopia · 28/07/2021 12:25

Sadly, I think at the moment, this is very normal due to COVID. My older one started gymnastics recently and no parents allowed in. I just have to send her off from the car park and then they send her out a side door an hour later. But she's 8 and comfortable enough to go into that environment on her own. At 4, no, she wouldn't have been confident enough and it just wouldn't have worked. I think I might just be inclined to wait until COVID restrictions lift a bit.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/07/2021 12:26

Of course it’s going to depend on the child, but my Gds who is only just 5 has been attending a no-parents karate class for a while now. He thoroughly enjoys it, and was truly chuffed to be awarded his first belt a couple of weeks ago.
Why not let him try it once to see?

SirenSays · 28/07/2021 12:30

I would choose another school, even if you trust everything is safe, the actual classes might be rubbish and a total waste of money.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 28/07/2021 12:34

My kids have done sports where parents don't observe training - mainly because they interfere with the coaching and often undermine the coaches. We observe once per term only and they started that sport when they were about 6.

me4real · 28/07/2021 12:34

YANBU as such, but I'm pretty sure they'd be happy to meet you if you asked, let you get to class 15 mins early so they can introduce themselves or something.

me4real · 28/07/2021 12:37

If you asked them beforehand I mean, I'm sure they'd be happy to chat to you for a bit before, either while you drop off your DS or before he starts going, for youu to consider it/them. They'll already be there, or can be.

I have run fiitness classes.

AnnaSW1 · 28/07/2021 12:37

This is why mine are t currently attending classes. It's for covid reason here

Nocutenamesleft · 28/07/2021 12:42

We had it in dance school

Weren’t allowed to watch. Nor be in the room. It’s pretty common in the dance world

However I had real faith in the class and my daughter loved it

scully29 · 28/07/2021 12:45

My daughters ballet classes dont allow parents but you can see through a little if your worried. We tried a karate class which was excellent and the parents did stay for that. Our karate place does family classes which is ideal for little ones starting.
Also might be good for you is to do you tube classes (like when every class was on zoom!) we have started Master Kelleys karate lessons, they are fab for 4 year olds, themed and v fun and easy to follow and short, so you could start him on that until hes older to leave in a class alone?

Original poster
RainyNightInTallinn · 28/07/2021 12:48

@ComDummings

To me it’s a red flag. Transparency is good for safeguarding. Even just watching one class so you can get the vibe of the instructors.
Yeah, that's pretty much all I want. I get the reasons people are giving, I really do. I've no desire to spend every session getting in peoples' ways or affecting how my child interacts with the teacher/other kids. I just want a class or two to get a feel for it, see what the teacher is like and how he is with the kids, etc. That's all. It worries me a bit that I'd NEVER be able to do that.

There are other options. None look as awesome, most smaller, fewer kids, etc. but I'm going to call around and see what the policy is elsewhere. Whether it's just this one school that has this approach or it's a standard thing here.

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 28/07/2021 12:50

I would give it a try.

Dogscanteatonions · 28/07/2021 12:50

I used to teach martial arts. It was always much much better if the parents didn't watch - the kids were infinitely better behaved and less distracted (and we would tell the parents this if they asked if it was ok to watch) however we would never have not allowed parents to watch If they wanted to. We usually insisted parents stayed for their first session too

GoWalkabout · 28/07/2021 12:52

I mean they are not going to abduct or abuse your child on first meeting, abusers are charming anyway and would be more likely to let you in and groom you, so this isn't a safeguarding red flag necessarily. You can get to know them by chatting after the class and talking to your son.

Faultymain5 · 28/07/2021 12:56

@Erysimium

My mum sent me to a group as a child. The organiser was taking the money and ticking the register, then as soon as the parents left she buggered off and left the kids alone in the hall for 2hrs. I wouldn’t send a child unsupervised unless they were big enough to tell on the teacher.
I think 4 would be fine to describe what happened surely?
Faultymain5 · 28/07/2021 12:59

@pleasedonttextmyman

Very wrong, it's not normal.

It's one thing to have a private gradings, but not allowing the parents for at the very least the trial session is not right.

You are also entitled to make your own mind on a specific karate class, there are good and bad, and it's up to you as parent to be able to judge how the classes are run.

unless you run a survey I don’t think you can say it’s not normal with any authority.

I’m not sure how well a parent without experience in martial arts would be able to determine how well a class is taught.

EmmaJR1 · 28/07/2021 13:02

I'm trying to sign my 2 up for swimming (dd3 and ds4) and they won't let parents in the building let alone poolside... so nope not happening!

I completely understand how you feel.

Bbq1 · 28/07/2021 13:02

Find another class. My ds started karate at 4 yo. The sensei was unpleasant but we were allowed to stay even there. Due to the sensei we moved ds to another karate Club at 8. Again, parents were welcome to stay. Ds stayed there unto 13 when he became a junior blackbelt . He took up Judo after that and again parents are welcomed at the club. At an absolute minimum they should want parents of very young children to stay for at least the first month.

Bookworm20 · 28/07/2021 13:05

I can understand it for the older children but at 4 is too young to exclude parents from watching. One of mine started karate at age 4 at a club that did this, parents were able to sit outside and it made me uncomfortable because I could see no valid reason why parents couldn't watch, (this was pre covid). On one occasion when the door was left open, I heard the Sensai talking to a child of around 5 and she was speaking horribly to him. Mine also started not to want to go and said she was mean. We switched clubs and he was infinitely happier at the new club - and parents could watch. So i'd be wondering why they don't like parents there for the little ones tbh.

sopositivelynegative · 28/07/2021 13:07

I'm in two minds here.

You wouldn't just be observing your kid, you'd be observing all the other children. You said your DS was shy - if any of the existing students are also shy, they may feel self-conscious to see another grown up 'watching them'. Like your child, a lot of kids do martial arts to boost their confidence, so the odds of the newer ones having low self-esteem are higher than with some other group classes.

However... when I did certain group activities as a child, my DM was there. And I don't remember paying any attention to her whatsoever. So, I wonder how much the other kids would actually care if some random parent was quietly observing in the background. I think I knew my DM was there at the start of each lesson, but I was so focussed on the teacher, honestly, I forgot about her. Not very flattering to my mum, but you get the point...

Faultymain5 · 28/07/2021 13:09

@SoapboxFox

I don't think it is 'distracting' to have parents stay to watch a session. Plenty of sports or activity groups have parents observe without any problems. If the leaders don't make the group engaging enough and many of the kids are too easily distracted, that is the leaders' fault not yours.
You sound like you’ve had lots if experience in this area.

Your thoughts are quite unusual on the topic of parents’ attendance causing a distraction.

Faultymain5 · 28/07/2021 13:10

@EmmaJR1

I'm trying to sign my 2 up for swimming (dd3 and ds4) and they won't let parents in the building let alone poolside... so nope not happening!

I completely understand how you feel.

That IS ridiculous. But I think everyone can see why that is ridiculous.
LookItsMeAgain · 28/07/2021 13:13

I have dropped my kids to gymnastics, GAA, soccer, dancing and a load of other after school activities where I live.
Never have I felt the need to observe the trainers or the other kids during this time. I leave them to get on with what they are there to do. If there is something up with a trainer or the way things happen during the class, I would have expected my child to come to me with a question or "Is this normal mum?" type discussion and then I would investigate at that stage.
The only one I stayed for was swimming because my DD would have happily come out to the car still in her swimming gear and not have changed or dried herself off. That's the only sporting thing I can think of that I was actually allowed to stay for.

IndanthroneBlue · 28/07/2021 13:14

I would definitely find another class. Apart from all your other concerns you don't know what you're paying for. My DD did a years music lessons with a tutor that went into her school so I didn't see the lessons, then due to Covid she had a zoom lesson that I could watch. It was absolutely terrible, only lasted 20mins the majority of which was him demonstrating a terrible pop song way above her abilities and my DD either refusing to join in or struggling to join in without any guidance or feedback. I cancelled it straight away, can't believe I wasted a years fees on it! You don't want to find you've been paying for him to run about round the hall for an hour. We've been to lots of groups where the parents don't generally watch but it's fine to pop in and watch the start while they settle in, and generally there's a window or open door so you can see they are actually conducting a lesson and that your child is co-operating. I don't think 4 is old enough to describe what happens my DD says she hates nursery but can never articulate why. Even adults struggle to articulate when they've experienced an abusive situation or recognise that's what is happening. And in a situation like being left free to play for 2 hours they may think it's great and not think to report it to mum or think that it's normal.