Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

284 replies

sallybreads · 27/07/2021 14:12

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
WeeM · 27/07/2021 15:19

Off to Google ‘autumn duvet covers’....misses point of thread entirely

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2021 15:20

I feel that your definition of "sly" isn't exactly correct.

"Selfish" is the word you should be using.

Anyway - it was your choice to be a mug and buy stuff for her, especially when you knew she had form for not being as generous back. I agree with the people saying that you should have been more circumspect about your own spending.

I'm not even going to get into the whole "new duvet set every fecking season" nonsense because that's just nuts - but in future I would realise that she's very much enjoyed your expenditure on her, and has absolutely no intention of repaying your mugness with some of her own.

Maybe cut your losses on this one and find less selfish friends.

Clydesider · 27/07/2021 15:20

She has taken advantage of you, OP. You are a giver. Maybe don't be so generous in future.

MaMaD1990 · 27/07/2021 15:20

Just stop buying her stuff. If she gets huffy, we'll that's one less irritant to have to worry about.

Jaguar77 · 27/07/2021 15:23

Stop shopping.

Horseyhorsey3 · 27/07/2021 15:24

@pickingdaisies

Sorry OP you've been a mug. Stop spending your money on her, she's using you. And if she has the cheek to complain, just tell her you can't afford to treat her any more.
This. Some people just take advantage of kind people's generosity and it is hurtful.

Put any money you would save spent on her (and other non essentials) into a savings pot for any future rain days

Faithlulu · 27/07/2021 15:27

I love homewares too so fully understand wanting new stuff as the seasons changing.

Your friend though, based on what you have said, appears to be happy to take from you but not give in return (money/babysitting/presents…etc) This does not sound like a true friend. And to give you the silent treatment - gaslighting….. sorry OP

Coachradley · 27/07/2021 15:28

It’s not the about the duvet covers ffs.
I would be annoyed too OP. I would tell her that you’re upset and give examples of things you’ve paid for her. She’s not a friend but a user.

Youdiditanyway · 27/07/2021 15:29

You’re clearly resentful so I’d consider dropping the friendship. Just phase her out of your life, it doesn’t have to be anything dramatic.

Terhou · 27/07/2021 15:32

Your friend seems to have been taking advantage of you for a very long time, and you've let her. Time to stop.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/07/2021 15:34

You're responsible for how much you give. She can only take what you give. So give less. Or nothing. If she sulks then give her the big long list of things you've given her that she hasn't reciprocated.

soapylaces · 27/07/2021 15:34

Like you, I would hurt by this. Have you ever mentioned your feelings to her? I understand you wouldn't want to lose a friend over this as I assume you've been fiends for a long time. Maybe a little chat with her would be good, so she knows how you feel. I expect she doesn't even realise what she's doing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 15:36

She’s a user and you’re a mug. I’d bet my entire linen collection that when you shop buying her stuff and babysitting her kids she’ll cut you off.

She’ll either ghost you or she’ll invent an offence and cast you as the villain. You’ll get a chance to redeem yourself by doing yet more favours or handing over cash or stuff and when you don’t (resist resist resist!) she’ll tell other people you’re horrible and will say she won’t be able to forgive you.

She’s a dick. You don’t need her friendship if this is what it entails. And maybe tot up how much you've wasted on her and what you could have bought your kids with that instead.

TheLadyGrayson · 27/07/2021 15:37

OT but can we see the duvet cover please? 🙏🏻😂 it sounds cute

Dontwatchfootball · 27/07/2021 15:37

Did she really expect you to help her out? Because in your post it sounds like it was just a generous gesture from you. Which she is not obligated to replicate.

MrMerlot · 27/07/2021 15:40

It sounds like neither of you is in a position to be so generous, or to buy new duvet covers so regularly.

If you now have to wait for payday to buy something of that kind of cost, you probably should have been building your savings account last year for a rainy day, rather than buying gifts that were not even expected.

YABU. Of course it would be nice, but I don't think you can expect her to reciprocate for two reasons:

Firstly, she never asked for the favour in the first place, you would essentially be obliging her without her having a say in the matter.

Secondly, she's only avoiding what is happening to you right now happening to her again.

Antwerpen · 27/07/2021 15:43

This is the definition of ‘sly’ OP, I think you are using it out of context Hmm

‘Having or showing a cunning and deceitful nature.’

DeadGood · 27/07/2021 15:44

You need to look up what “sly” actually means.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2021 15:45

You wonder if your friendship is a one way street?

I’d wonder if you have an actual friendship at all.

You have been a bit of a mug but you have brought it on yourself. Just stop being so accommodating and stop with the presents/help unless it is reciprocated.

If she sees her arse and goes on the sulk it will be no loss.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2021 15:46

But no - she hasn’t been sly.

She just hasn’t been a mug.

Brindisi32 · 27/07/2021 15:47

Is your friend aware you're short on funds atm? Maybe she hasn't realised. If she's aware then try keeping the spontaneous gifts out of the relationship. She doesn't reciprocate so just treat yourself and don't discuss your purchases. Is she a decent friend in other respects? If so, preserve that side of your friendship.

Applesonthelawn · 27/07/2021 15:47

I think you are very thoughtful and sharing, probably see the good in everyone long before you see any bad, and you are probably a lovely person. I think you should try to toughen up a bit and think a bit more about yourself - I know that's not a nice way to be but I think people will just disappoint you if you don't.

Havehope21 · 27/07/2021 15:49

I completely sympathise with you and agree it isn't about the duvet cover, it is about the principle. Personally, I wouldn't change being generous to others - but I would distance myself from the friendship as she appears to be rather selfish.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2021 15:51

You believed there was an unwritten contract between you so that money was shared to some extent. The problem is that in her contract, everything just went one way, from your purse to her home.

You've been silly not to recognise this but it's obviously come from a really good place. What you have to do now is to realise that she's been using you and you mustn't let her do it again. She's not really a good friend - friends don't behave how she is behaving. I don't mean buying things, but expecting you to pay for things and guilt-tripping you if you buy something that she wants.

I'd hang around with other friends instead. It's unlikely she'll want to hang around with you if she has to buy her own things, but I doubt she'll go without a fight. You might have to be very sharp with her and then block her.

MaryBoBary · 27/07/2021 15:52

Perhaps she didn't want to bug it having to ask you to pay her back, as you don't ask her too. Perhaps she can't afford to buy 2 but it now in a position to buy 1. Don't judge her for it, just don't be so generous in the future if you want the favour returned.