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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

284 replies

sallybreads · 27/07/2021 14:12

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Waterfallgirl · 27/07/2021 14:49

Your friendship isn’t a friendship. You have seen the light! Just move on.

Nicknacky · 27/07/2021 14:49

So step back from the friendship if you are getting so little from it. It’s ok to disengage.

Sapnupuas · 27/07/2021 14:49

I just want to see the duvet cover.

Dacquoise · 27/07/2021 14:49

It sounds like you are starting to resent the inequality of investment in the friendship, not necessarily financial (as inequality of transactions of things being spent) but of emotional investment. You show your support of her by buying her things that you know she would like or can't afford and when you are in a similar position she doesn't do the same which leaves you feeling uncared for and a bit resentful.

Unfortunately, people don't always think the same way so it never occurs to them to reciprocate. Or they get used to being the 'treated' person and take it for granted. Perhaps a better approach would be to cut back on your generosity towards her in future. Make the relationship about sharing your time, not your resources.

cameocat · 27/07/2021 14:50

It makes me very sad that things have become so disposable and unnecessarily need replacing every year. The environmental impact is huge.

That aside, your friend sounds like she's using you, especially with the further examples. You need to wise up and stop spending on her, just split any bills / buy for yourself.

Nuggetnugget · 27/07/2021 14:50

I get it (I love homewares too)
It isn't about the money. It is the selfish behaviour. She is more careful than you.

I wouldn't do anything about it but I wouldnt treat her again and if you got out halve everything

icedcoffees · 27/07/2021 14:51

Stop spending money on her. You're choosing to buy her stuff - it's not fair to bash her for not doing the same.

phishy · 27/07/2021 14:51

YANBU, not sure why you're getting a hard time.

OP, it's a sad fact that with many people, the more you give, the more you want.

Seriously, give less and save for yourself.

You're on to her now.

FlyingPandas · 27/07/2021 14:51

I completely get that it’s about the general picture OP and not about the actual stuff.

Your latest update puts a different slant on it. Sadly, it sounds as if the dynamic between you is very much that she expects you to give so that she can take. She sounds entitled and selfish, tbh, and not a particularly nice friend.

The obvious thing to do is stop give give giving all the time. But I appreciate that’s sometimes easier said than done.

Sunflowerfieldsofgold · 27/07/2021 14:52

@sallybreads

No need for the sarcastic responses. We are close friends and both love autumn /winter and love buying homewear. It's became a bit of a tradition to buy them every year (I did clearly say it's not essential and isn't even about the duvet set) It's everything..it's always me give give give (I'm not talking money either,in everything,I can baby sit her children to help her out but she has never offered once) I could write a list as long as my arm. I feel taken advantage of. She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it. Il just re iterate ...I'm not bothered about a duvet set. I'm bothered about the fact our friendship feels a one way street I give give give and she takes
I think you have answered your own question OP. She is taking advantage of you. Spending thousands on someone else is nuts, sorry. I get why you are annoyed but she isn't going to change. Put yourself first, if she tries to manipulate you or goes off in a huff then you have your answer regarding your friendship
flumposie · 27/07/2021 14:52

Agree with others. Stop buying her things. If you eat out in future split the bill instead of her avoiding paying the following week.

Ozanj · 27/07/2021 14:52

@sallybreads

No need for the sarcastic responses. We are close friends and both love autumn /winter and love buying homewear. It's became a bit of a tradition to buy them every year (I did clearly say it's not essential and isn't even about the duvet set) It's everything..it's always me give give give (I'm not talking money either,in everything,I can baby sit her children to help her out but she has never offered once) I could write a list as long as my arm. I feel taken advantage of. She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it. Il just re iterate ...I'm not bothered about a duvet set. I'm bothered about the fact our friendship feels a one way street I give give give and she takes
Stop giving and if she kicks off fwd her screenshots of her messages and tell her to fuck off. It doesn’t sound like she’s much of a friend if she’s taking advantage of your inability to say no.
ADuvetIsNotJustForHalloween · 27/07/2021 14:56

I didn't know there were such a thing as seasonal Halloween duvet covers. But I just googled, and some of them are quite fun. I'd have it on all year round though (within a proper MN approved bedclothes use / wash rotation though!)

Paddling654 · 27/07/2021 14:57

I agree she hasn't reciprocated which is hurtful BUT it doesn't sound like either of you are in a position to be spending like this so I can't fault her for making some attempt to restrain her situation. You are generous to a fault and it's not really reasonable to expect that back.

swiftt · 27/07/2021 14:57

Can we see the duvet cover? I’m genuinely intrigued as to how nice it must be to be seasonal and sell out.

ridemesideway · 27/07/2021 14:57

I had a friend who started spending £££ on my birthday and Christmas presents. I felt pressure to reciprocate.
The weird thing is that I’m financially in a far better place than she is, but I’m not really interested in overconsumption.
Over time I’ve realised that she places huge importance on being seen to have the ‘best’ of stuff, whereas I don’t care.

Stop buying her things. And stop telling her what you are buying yourself.

Paddling654 · 27/07/2021 14:57

Spending not situation

pleasedonttextmyman · 27/07/2021 14:58

According to another thread, seasonal curtains are also a thing, so what do I know...

Confusedandshaken · 27/07/2021 15:00

You are both mugs for falling for ridiculous seasonal marketing. The shops have seen you coming! How many duvet covers do you need? She is less of a mug than you because she is not buying this junk for someone else.

pleasedonttextmyman · 27/07/2021 15:01

autumn duvet

Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?
billy1966 · 27/07/2021 15:02

Of course you have been a complete MUG.

You know it well before this.

Stop being a fool with your money.

She's not a friend.

She is someone who is a CF that knows a mug when she sees one.

Now you know for sure.
Flowers

ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 15:02

She's not a friend OP, she's a user.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 27/07/2021 15:03

Yanbu and you obviously think more highly of her then she does you.

Original poster
sallybreads · 27/07/2021 15:04

I like to buy homeware,it's not a crime surely.
Some people might spend any spare money on alcohol /takeaways.
I enjoy making my house look nice.
I'm a sucker for a cushion.
Yes I don't need it ...but it's a treat.

OP posts:
Alonelonelyloner · 27/07/2021 15:04

YANBU. Please do not spend another penny on her.

Also when you are tempted, put the money in a savings account and see how much you would be spending on her (on ridiculous, unnecessary items) and let that be an affirmation of living more sensibly.

She's a CF.