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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

284 replies

sallybreads · 27/07/2021 14:12

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Greystray · 27/07/2021 15:53

I think you're right to feel bothered by this. You're different types of people. You're very generous and like to treat your friends. Your friend is not that type of person. If your friendship is going to continue you might have to start literally asking her to reciprocate. It's healthier than stewing about it, you know? Call her or text and ask if she'd order the cover for you, and you can repay her at the end of the month if she likes. Add that last part to give her the chance to say "No, I'm happy to treat you." If she makes you pay her back, continue the friendship if you like her, but accept she has a flaw in that regard and to not have a reciprocal gift-exchange kind of friendship with her.

And there's no need for people to be twats about seasonal duvet covers. If people didn't buy them there wouldn't be such a rapid turnover of designs in the shops.

Ourlady · 27/07/2021 15:53

The seasonal duvet thing is a bit weird however she is not a nice friend. She has took advantage of your kind nature and save a lot of money in the process.
Stop buying her things. She's selfish and tight!

Standrewsschool · 27/07/2021 15:55

She’s not been sly, but has different priorities in life.

Over the years, you’ve been thoughtful and brought her gifts, and supported her. A nice thing to do.

Now the roles are reversed and she is more financially secure and you’re less so. It doesn’t mean you’re entitled to gifts from her. She may not be as well off as you think, or even realise you’re expecting gifts from her.

Clangerschick1 · 27/07/2021 15:55

Sly does not mean how you’ve used it here. It doesn’t make sense in the context you’ve used it.
If it’s not about the duvet covers and you feel she’s used you financially for years then yes that’s not a proper friendship and you should reduce contact, or stop offering/buying her things and see if she sticks around

YouJustFoldItIn · 27/07/2021 15:56

I'm quite well off (okay, I am very well off) and I love me a bit of nice bedding but I would never buy duvet covers 2 years on the trot just because they were the 'new in' Autumn pattern. And I've never bought Christmas bedding in my life. I've been tempted, but I've always decided it was a bit too frivolous and extragavant for something I'd use a few weeks a year and I had more than enough bedding already.

Perhaps that's why I am well off.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2021 15:57

Sorry OP - my post sounds very harsh and I didn’t mean it to be.

As the people said above - you are doing things with a good heart. She seems to have taken full advantage of that.

I stand by the no friendship thing though.

A true friend wouldn’t treat you like that and think only of themselves.

Just be canny OP - some folk will take advantage of a kind person if they think they will get off with it.

YouJustFoldItIn · 27/07/2021 15:58

Anyway, I agree with this:

TheSunShinesBrighter · 27/07/2021 15:58

She’s a taker OP. Not a generous friend.

Don’t buy her anything else. Don’t pay for anything else. Look after yourself and don’t let her make you feel bad about it.

MiaRoma · 27/07/2021 16:01

@sallybreads

It's not just that,there's loads of things. Remember last year during the first lockdown. Hand gel was nearly like gold dust. I bought two and gave her one. She got two and kept them both for herself.

There's been loads of similar things.

So you knew and know exactly what she is like yet you still continued/continue to buy her things and now you're whinging. Dear God 🙄

youdoyoutoday · 27/07/2021 16:03

@sallybreads

Like I said it's not about a duvet cover. It's about the fact she expected me to help her out ..yet can't show me the same courtesy back.

She didn't ask you buy them, you flashed the cash and now you're annoyed that she didn't do the same for you.

In all honesty, you both sound shit when it comes to money and who really needs seasonal duvet covers when you're skint?

squiglet111 · 27/07/2021 16:04

Can you reply asking "why didn't you get me one too?" Or "can you get me one too?"

But lesson learnt op, don't get her things in future as she doesn't look after you back

Lou98 · 27/07/2021 16:04

that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back

It sounds like you are expecting it back though?

Sorry but it was your choice to buy your friend all these things, holidays etc. I'm very much of the opinion that you don't give to receive.
While it would be nice if she would do something for you now that she has the money, you shouldn't be expecting her to, it was your choice to treat her.

Having been in that position last year she is perhaps trying to save what money she can now instead of being reckless so she's not in that same position again in the future

CombatBarbie · 27/07/2021 16:04

It's not a friendship if its all take take take on one side. I would be annoyed given your examples. When she told you I'd prob have brought it up then tbh but never too late too.

SpaghettiSpoons · 27/07/2021 16:06

It's the principle. I get it. I'd mention it to her, it would bug the shit out of me not doing so. If she says tough luck, listen and learn.

Weebleweeble · 27/07/2021 16:06

When you buy household things now, buy them to last, choose something you live and keep it forever. If you want to change it a year later you didn't love it enough.

Weebleweeble · 27/07/2021 16:06

Love

Howshouldibehave · 27/07/2021 16:10

Over the years I've spent a good few thousand on her

I think that’s bonkers. I have really really lovely friends and haven’t spent anywhere near this on them like this over the years I’ve known them. Presents for birthdays (reciprocal) and hosting when they come over (again they do this for us) but I would say we are totally ‘even’. Why would you keep doing this when you have known for years that she doesn’t do it back?!

EmergencyHydrangea · 27/07/2021 16:12

I don't think you understand what "sly" means.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 27/07/2021 16:12

Some posters are being pretty vile to you OP.

It’s not about the bedding.

When she had little and you had a lot, you treated her to things she couldn’t afford so that she had the same as you had.

Now that the tables have turned, she doesn’t care. As long as she has what she wants, she’s happy.

As I said, don’t pay for anything ever again.
You now know that she is not as generous as you.

onelittlefrog · 27/07/2021 16:13

YABU buying so many duvet covers.

Consumerism is bonkers. And horrendously unsustainable.

TheOrigRights · 27/07/2021 16:15

Over the years I've spent a good few thousand on her

I don't think you're going to get many people empathising with you because spending thousands on a friend is very unusual.

This is not "what friends do" in most cases.

Maireas · 27/07/2021 16:16

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

Sorry OP - my post sounds very harsh and I didn’t mean it to be.

As the people said above - you are doing things with a good heart. She seems to have taken full advantage of that.

I stand by the no friendship thing though.

A true friend wouldn’t treat you like that and think only of themselves.

Just be canny OP - some folk will take advantage of a kind person if they think they will get off with it.

Wise words, my friend. People like this are often taken advantage of. How are you? May I buy you a duvet cover?

Maireas · 27/07/2021 16:17

@TheOrigRights

Over the years I've spent a good few thousand on her

I don't think you're going to get many people empathising with you because spending thousands on a friend is very unusual.

This is not "what friends do" in most cases.

You're right, but I think she's been a bit easy to manipulate or take advantage of. Hopefully she'll take all this advice.

Rockdown2020 · 27/07/2021 16:18

Treat it as a lesson learnt.

What do you do with the seasonal duvet sets from previous years?

Nebulosity · 27/07/2021 16:19

To everyone questioning “sly” I presume OP is from Liverpool or thereabouts, because it’s a common slang for mean here, as a pp said.

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