Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

[sallybreads]

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

where did she expected you to help her out?

You mean well obviously, you are generous, but you have a very weird relationship with your friend. If you are both adults, no need to be so co-dependent and involved in each other's life in so much details.

It's very odd.
You don't need to spend any money on your friends!

It irates some posters, but the good old "I can't afford it" excuse works wonder in life.

She would have thought it was sly if I hadn't of bought her one.
is she 12?

You sound about 17. Are you? I’m not being facetious… but you are saying “sly” to mean something different to what I think it means so I think you must be very young. If so you need to think about money very differently, and stop buying multiples of the same item. Are you trying to achieve a particular “aesthetic” each season?

YABU for having and caring about having seasonal duvet sets when you are struggling for cash.

@sallybreads

If I paid one week for tea out the next week she would be "ill" or not be hungry. So we wouldn't go. Like I say loads of things.

It sounds like this has been going on far longer than last years duvet cover release...

Just stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ stop buying, stop giving. Take a step back and see if she comes to you - as a friend, not with gifts. The gifts are silly, and it's worth remembering that it's not 'sly' to buy yourself something and not her.

I buy things for my friend as I earn more than she does and I expect nothing in return. Either buy her things with good grace with no expectation or just stop. Either way you can’t get annoyed about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know how you feel. Lesson learnt, I suppose. Don’t buy her anything else.

On what planet is it “sly” to not buy someone else a duvet cover just because you are buying yourself one?
Whole thing is bizarre
Buy yourself what you want/can afford and let your friend do the same
Also, I don’t think you understand what Sly means

Back off completely especially financially.
It's clearly grating on you that she isn't as generous with her money as you are... I don't get why you keep buying her things.. a seasonal duvet cover is hardly an essential thing that she desperately needed.
I also don't get what is "sly" about buying yourself something you like even if you know your friend likes it... are you both generally competitive with one another?

YABVU to feel resentful that she isn't reciprocating your generosity. If you cannot give without expecting payback then I'd advise you to stop giving.

Is she tight? Possibly.
Is she happy to take advantage of you? Possibly.

Stop putting yourself in the same position time and time again. Pay for yourself when you are out and stop buying gifts for her.

Eh you said you bought both the duvet covers last year as a gift and didn't care about the money? So why would she buy you a gift this year that's not how gifts work

Also why do you need two autumn duvet covers?

do you know the meaning of the word 'sly' ?

she's not 'sly' because she didn't buy you a stupid duvet cover or whatever.

It was your choice to pay for things she doesn't need; it's her choice not to pay for things you don't need. Stop paying for her, even if she wants something and can't afford it.

Jeeezzzzzz .....

OP, you willingly bought her non essential gifts. That's your choice, but it sounds like neither of you really have that much money. It's not sly to purchase something for yourself that your friend cannot afford, that thought process is bonkers and makes me think you must be very young? It sounds like your friend just has healthier boundaries than you do. Also, I have had a friend who kept count of favours, and so in the end I refused to accept any from her. She did things that were not asked for, and then expected a lot in return. It was uncomfortable and needy. Also.... Why keep purchasing duvet covers when you don't have much money?! Please save :)

You keep saying you bought you both things and say if you hadn't done she would think you're sly.

1. If she'd think you sky for not buying her stuff, she's not your friend anyway.
2. Why do you think she would feel like that anyway?
3. It doesn't sound like she's done or said anything to prompt you to buy stuff for her. Sounds like you felt guilty being able to afford stuff and so you chose to buy her stuff too. Which I'm sure she appreciated but that was your choice. You can't buy stuff and assume she'd think the same as you in role reversal.

She can now afford stuff but is careful with her money. She has no reason to buy you stuff. When you're back on your feet you need to do the same.

I think the bigger picture here is that you’ve spotted an imbalance and that’s going to be hard to ignore going forward . Your options are to back off from the friendship completely or to make the effort to reflect her standards back at her.

People show they care in lots of different ways and sometimes there is a mismatch (look up love languages) but if you can’t reconcile her behaviour by taking comfort in other traits then it’s time to reassess whether your prepared to keep giving for nothing in return.

(And also yes, start treating your finances with a bit more respect, you don’t have to pay other peoples way to be a good friend).

Last year you could afford two. Maybe this month your friend can only afford one. You don't know her finances. It's not generous to offer gifts and expect anything back, or to call it in at a later date.

@sallybreads

Over the years I've spent a good few thousand on her. Treated her on holiday. She would have thought it was sly if I hadn't of bought her one. Like I said I'm not bothered about the duvet cover ..hence why I said il get one when I get paid next. I have money in the bank to survive on and I could have easily put it on CC but didn't want too. It's the fact that she is all for herself but I have been kind and jumped over hoops to help her out.

What do you mean she would think you were sly?

This is all very strange, do you and your friend always buy the exact same things as each other all the time?

I buy things all the time without also buying the exact same things for my friends/family etc because that would be mad, I can't imagine for the life of me that one of my friends would get upset at me buying myself something without also getting them one!

Are you both part of some obscure competetive seasonal duvet club or something?

@Rainbowshit

Did she actually expect you to buy her the duvet?

Well considering that the OP did that not once but twice for her last year, then it would have been nice if the friend had returned the favour.

I didn't know having new duvet sets each Autumn was a 'thing'.

seasonal duvet covers???? is this really a thing???
Stop buying crap the pair of you.

No need for the sarcastic responses.
We are close friends and both love autumn /winter and love buying homewear.
It's became a bit of a tradition to buy them every year (I did clearly say it's not essential and isn't even about the duvet set)
It's everything..it's always me give give give (I'm not talking money either,in everything,I can baby sit her children to help her out but she has never offered once)
I could write a list as long as my arm.
I feel taken advantage of.
She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it.
Il just re iterate ...I'm not bothered about a duvet set.
I'm bothered about the fact our friendship feels a one way street
I give give give and she takes

Now you've got it laid out in front of you, you wont go back OP. From now on you're skint when she wants to do something or buy something. She'll likely drift off and find someone else to sponge off.

Get better friends

She seems happy for you to spend your money on her but doesn’t want to reciprocate.
Let’s you buy her the duvets and hand gel, doesn’t take turns on meals out etc.
Treat it as an expensive lesson and even if things improve financially for you, make some changes so stop treating her, pay for yourself on a meal out etc

@sallybreads

It's not just that,there's loads of things. Remember last year during the first lockdown. Hand gel was nearly like gold dust. I bought two and gave her one. She got two and kept them both for herself.

There's been loads of similar things.

I find it really strange you know how many hand sanitizers she bought. You seem very involved in each other’s lives. Also, I didn’t know a seasonal duvet cover was a thing

Maybe she’s not as bothered by the friendship as you are. It happens. Maybe just cool off on the invites and see if she does anything

Stop giving so much to her then. This is a silly dynamic.