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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

284 replies

sallybreads · 27/07/2021 14:12

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
AmyDudley · 27/07/2021 15:05

Your friendship seems to revolve very much around buying things. That's not very healthy. I have friends who have less than me and friends who have considerably more. We tend to just manage our own finances and not spend money we can;t afford. If I did treat someone to a gift or a coffee out, I wouldn't really expect it to be reciprocated. But if it is happening all the time with this friend then I can see it would be irritating.
My advice would be to stop buying stuff for her, and paying for holidays etc. Just pay your own way and she will have to pay hers. I all feels a bit like you are adding up all your expenditure and are feeling used. That's not a good basis for a friendship. You need to stop with the gifts or you will just become resentful and the friendship will dissolve. If she's worth keeping as a friend you need to set your own boundaries for moving forwards.

wishing3 · 27/07/2021 15:06

She shouldn’t have accepted your generosity if she was not willing to do the same in my opinion.

aspadeaspade · 27/07/2021 15:08

I think people are missing the point, @sallybreads.

It's not about the money or the duvet cover, it's that you did something nice for her when you were in a better position, because you thought you were good friends and she would have done the same for you.

Now that things have flipped, she has not done the same for you, and you feel like she doesn't quite value you as much as you value her.

It's been an expensive lesson in friendship, but that's what it is.

I'm sorry you like her more than she likes you. All you can do is adjust accordingly and reign it back a little.

HelloMissus · 27/07/2021 15:08

You’re keeping tally now.
So it’s time to stop.

Bbq1 · 27/07/2021 15:09

@Buffoonborisisatwat

do you know the meaning of the word 'sly' ?

she's not 'sly' because she didn't buy you a stupid duvet cover or whatever.

It was your choice to pay for things she doesn't need; it's her choice not to pay for things you don't need. Stop paying for her, even if she wants something and can't afford it.

Jeeezzzzzz .....

'Sly' is slang for 'mean'
emmathedilemma · 27/07/2021 15:09

that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back
clearly you do expect something back......

Emanchego · 27/07/2021 15:10

Where are these seasonal duvet covers from please?

Bbq1 · 27/07/2021 15:10

@pleasedonttextmyman

autumn duvet
Ooh, love that duvet!!!
stellaisabella · 27/07/2021 15:11

I need to see these duvets tbh.
I do actually have an autumnal duvet cover, which I absolutely adore. I use it from September to Christmas each year (washing it obviously) but I couldn't bring myself to buy a new one each year! If you're only going to use the previous years once, is that not a bit of a waste?

BlueSurfer · 27/07/2021 15:11

@aspadeaspade

I think people are missing the point, *@sallybreads*.

It's not about the money or the duvet cover, it's that you did something nice for her when you were in a better position, because you thought you were good friends and she would have done the same for you.

Now that things have flipped, she has not done the same for you, and you feel like she doesn't quite value you as much as you value her.

It's been an expensive lesson in friendship, but that's what it is.

I'm sorry you like her more than she likes you. All you can do is adjust accordingly and reign it back a little.

I agree she hasn’t done the financial equivalent but we don’t know what she may have done instead. Some people believe you can buy friendships and relationships rather than investing time and emotion into them. It’s quite possible that the friend has given up a lot of time, patience and understanding in return for a duvet that they might have been quite ok to have never been gifted.
Dozer · 27/07/2021 15:12

Spent thousands on a friend?! Why?

It’s not ‘sly’ not to spend your money others.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/07/2021 15:12

Stop buying duvet covers!

Yanbu to be a bit disappointed but yabu to expect it.

An opportunity to reset boundaries for your friendships perhaps?

Dozer · 27/07/2021 15:13

Buying stuff doesn’t mean you ‘love’ a season or your home.

infinitemadness · 27/07/2021 15:13

Are seasonal duvet covers a thing? Confused

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 27/07/2021 15:14

Anyway... what does the duvet cover look like?

Maggiesfarm · 27/07/2021 15:14

@MrsN100

Yabu. She has limits and you don't. She is saving her money but you didn't think to do that. Could have helped for a rainy day.
True.

A bit bizarre buying seasonal duvet sets every year, I've never known anyone do that.

Still it's up to you how you spend your money.

FunMcCool · 27/07/2021 15:14

Also just a thought… it’s July.

Blueberrycreampie · 27/07/2021 15:14

I'm trying to understand why friends need to have or do exactly the same things? Twins I can just about get my head round but I think you need to withdraw from this relationship before things turn sour. Do your own thing and stop sharing so much, and get new hobbies and interests which don't involve buying unnecessary items.

Gothichouse40 · 27/07/2021 15:14

Why are you spending thousands on anyone? Im sorry but prices are constantly going up. I advise you to save when you can. You always need money for emergencies. I think you need money advice.

Newbornandupwards · 27/07/2021 15:16

You sound very generous and it's horrible when you discover it's pretty much one way 😞

viques · 27/07/2021 15:16

Looks at old duvet cover,still fine after ten or so years and thanks foresight in buying plain good quality stuff in the first place.

allthestripeys · 27/07/2021 15:16

She sounds like a twat yes! But you both sound fucking awful with money!

EssentialHummus · 27/07/2021 15:17

Yes, she is unkind not to offer (unless there's lots more we don't know about her finances). But for the sake of your wallets and this earth stop buying sodding seasonal duvet covers.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/07/2021 15:17

Stop buying her stuff if it's not a two way street, she's not obliged to reciprocate of course but equally you're not obliged to buy her things either

viques · 27/07/2021 15:17

@infinitemadness

Are seasonal duvet covers a thing? Confused
Not in the real world, but in the weird competitive world of mn they probably are.