Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

[sallybreads]

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

Lol and wow at the patronising people saying go on a money saving forum 🤣

@mam0918

What on earth is an autumn duvet cover? And why do you need it?

I honestly have never even heard of that, the concept seems insane.

I have seasonal patterned duvet covers ... Christmas is deep Burgundy's and golds.. Spring is beautiful light spring colours etc ...

just because you don't share in something others enjoy.. doesn't make it insanity 🌸

When I was young I had a fairly similar experience. This should teach you to never discuss money with friends or appear to have funds, never discuss salary. If you have extra save it away, it’s for you for your future not for subsidising friends. I learned very quickly. I’m still very private about money even now.

You sound like a very sweet friend, but she's not as generous as you. Now you know. I would be annoyed and I would never be generous with her again. If you're the type of person who believes in generosity though, (and sounds like you are), you may want to find a new friend who loves duvets as much, because it's always going to bother you and you can't keep holding it against her everytime she's cheap.
But yea...please stop buying holiday crap if you don't have the money. It's one of those things my sister in law does and that girl is broke for life.

You clearly know what she’s like, and yet persist with doing nice and helpful things for her. Just quit it already. If she sulks then ignore her. She’s probably doing it because she knows you’ll feel guilty.

@onelittlefrog

YABU buying so many duvet covers.

Consumerism is bonkers. And horrendously unsustainable.

👏👏👏

People are saying that the friend is manipulating you, but I'm not totally convinced tbh. Unless I missed it, OP hasn't said that her friend ever asked or even suggested OP pays for things like the duvet sets. I don't feel like we can blame someone for not being able to match her friend's OTT gifting - or even when she is able to, I can't blame her for not wanting to as it is quite excessive.

OP, maybe save your money in future! You don't have to buy friendships

OP , It's not really about the duvet cover its about taking advantage of you whether you wanted similar in return or not.
Most of us love a nice home and there are many forums apart from this one, where people 'dress' their houses according to season it is an American thing which has come over here it does happen even though many on here find it 'unbelievable'
I've got older and wiser and don't subscribe to consumerism as I did when younger, I also had money and used to treat people to nice things as presents because I wanted to , now I am in a less fortunate financial position and I think back on all the money I wasted over the years .

But you realise that there are many takers in this world and its time to give over with the buying & gifting.
If she sulks it's her tough luck , she's a grabber and not your friend.

I think it’s difficult when you realise that a friend won’t do the same for you as you would for them. Sometimes I think that people simply don’t think to offer, other times people have a different attitude to money/possessions etc obviously some don’t have the resources. It sounds like it’s happened quite a few times now, so probably the right time to decide whether you want to carry on being so generous, even if it’s not reciprocated or just behave more like she does and limit what you’re giving. Good luck.

OT but for those asking, I reckon it's probably from George at Asda. They have 4 or 5 different autumn choices. 🍂🎃

@burritofan

YANBU, OP – when I go on my annual spring frying pan spree or buy my winter loo brush I always buy a few for friends too, but have I ever seen a summer towel or autumn lamp in return?

I'm getting Animal Crossing vibes now...

I think over the years you’ve gotten into the habit of doing things or buying things for her and she is in the habit of receiving. Yes she has been taking advantage of your kindness if she does need ever treat you. Unfortunately it happens sometimes, people don’t care about you the same way you care about them. It is hurtful but also, it’s their problem, not yours. I would cut back on the friendship, you don’t need to put up with moody silences and guilt trips for not buying her stuff when you do for yourself.

Also I get it with doing nice things for your home, even if you don’t have a big budget, everyone wants home to be comfortable and a new duvet/candle/flowers can add to that and feel like a treat.

People are saying that the friend is manipulating you, but I'm not totally convinced tbh. Unless I missed it, OP hasn't said that her friend ever asked or even suggested OP pays for things like the duvet sets.

Not asked directly, but the OP says this:

She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it.

You're an idiot for still being friends with this person 😂

YANBU

I can't see any evidence of her being sly - she has been up front about what she has done. Stop buying her things, then you won't feel badly done to. I haven't read full thread are you teenagers? YABU but you do sound very thoughtful and kind.

Duvet is a funny word.

Do you say Doovay or Djuvette as my DM does?

You summed up the entire situation yourself when you said I give give give and she takes
I think she’s got used to you playing the role of donor over the years and this is becoming more apparent when you are down on your luck.

Do you want to continue feeling pushed into buying her things or doing services for her when she sulks and withholds friendship?
Or do you want to tell her it’s not an equal friendship and find one that is.
Buying things for others to keep them sweet is not friendship

@burritofan

YANBU, OP – when I go on my annual spring frying pan spree or buy my winter loo brush I always buy a few for friends too, but have I ever seen a summer towel or autumn lamp in return?

There’s a lot of snobbery on this thread about ‘seasonal’ duvet covers, @sallybreads. It’s totally hypocritical when you consider the endless posters buying scented candles etc. Ignore.

@Feedingthebirds1

People are saying that the friend is manipulating you, but I'm not totally convinced tbh. Unless I missed it, OP hasn't said that her friend ever asked or even suggested OP pays for things like the duvet sets.

Not asked directly, but the OP says this:

She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it.

Hm oh yes. Fair enough, OP, she seems childish and the friendship is all round strange. I'd cut my losses, you'll find there's plenty more people who will be on your wavelength

@GreyEyedWitch

You're an idiot for still being friends with this person 😂

You'd say this to someone in RL and then laugh at them would you 🤔

@minatrina

People are saying that the friend is manipulating you, but I'm not totally convinced tbh. Unless I missed it, OP hasn't said that her friend ever asked or even suggested OP pays for things like the duvet sets. I don't feel like we can blame someone for not being able to match her friend's OTT gifting - or even when she is able to, I can't blame her for not wanting to as it is quite excessive.

OP, maybe save your money in future! You don't have to buy friendships

This. If a friend or even a close relative randomly started buying me homewares, I'd probably politely thank them but be a bit baffled as to why they'd done that.

It's not like anyone's short of necessities, you've both had 2 new duvet covers in the last year, I'm not sure I've had 2 new ones in the last decade, there's really no need.

Maybe she's worried about appearing ungrateful and can't bring herself to ask you not to buy things for her. Surely people make their own decisions about what they need and can afford to buy for their own home?

Obviously help people out if they're genuinely struggling for essentials, but otherwise, I don't understand why people would buy an identical item for a friend every time they got something new.

Plus who are all these people panic buying autumn bedding in the middle of summer?

• I'm a sucker for a cushion. Yes I don't need it ...but it's a treat.*

With the fragility of jobs at the moment and for a long time to come, isn't it better to "treat" your savings account?

The fact that your friend sulks for a few days when you have something that she can't is a red flag in my book.
She's not a true friend, she's a user and has somehow manipulated you into buying things for her , knowing that you are generous and feel guilt ridden.

@pourmeawine

OT but for those asking, I reckon it's probably from George at Asda. They have 4 or 5 different autumn choices. 🍂🎃

Is it the Mickey pumpkin one? Cute! 🎃