Is my friend a bit sly? Aibu?

[sallybreads]

Ok il start by saying I know this is so unimportant and I won't exactly loose sleep over it but it has made me question if maybe I'm too nice for my own good sometimes.

Last year I was doing okay for money and my friend was struggling so I would help her out a lot (that's what friends do and I wasn't expecting a thing back )

We both love autumn /winter and love Halloween and Christmas.
We both loved a autumn duvet cover but she couldn't afford it so I bought each of us one.
Then I did the same for the Xmas duvet set.
I didn't want the money back,it was just a gift.
I wouldn't of felt right buying myself one and not her ..not when I knew she loved it.

Anyway this year I'm struggling with cash having lost my job earlier this year and started a new job which pays a bit less.
Me and her both loved the new autumn duvet set and we both wanted it..I said I don't get paid till end of the month so fingers crossed it's still in stock.
It was selling out fast ..so my friend ordered hers.
Then rang me to tell me and hoped I didn't mind.
The roles are now reversed and she's doing good with money.
Yet didn't think of getting mine for me and I would have paid her back at the end of the month.

It's not even really about a stupid quilt cover ..it's the fact that she clearly has just thought of number 1.
I feel a bit like a mug.
Aibu ?

Takes two people to make a doormat, one to lie down and the other to walk all over them.

If you want to part with your hard earned cash, give it to a genuine charity, not a piss taking fake friend.

Why would you keep doing this when you have known for years that she doesn’t do it back?!

This is what I don't understand. Stop buying her things, OP. She's taking you for a mug.

Forget the AIBU I'm just boggling over seasonal duvets?
Is it pine cones and squirrels?

Lots of vixens out today. Just ignore them, OP , they're obviously bored.

I don't blame you for being hurt, your 'friend' is a user, you'll be happier if you move on.

Wtf is an autumn duvet set? You both sound like you have more money than sense.

I do think it's a bit rude (assuming it's not mega expensive) given that the exact situation happened in reverse last year and you got her the set, AND got her the Christmas one too. It would have been nice of her to return the favour now she can.

But that said, maybe it's just something she never would have done in the first place. It's nice that you got it for her, but I think you need to leave it there.

Sly is used in north east to indicate mean aswell.

Stop buying anything for her. Simple. She isn't a generous spirit and it sounds like she doesn't appreciate it

I remember a thread about Christmas bedding and people saying they didn't know what it was - now I'm feeling weird 😂 as I don't know what an autumn duvet cover is 😂😂😂 . Are you in the USA?

@sallybreads

Like I said it's not about a duvet cover. It's about the fact she expected me to help her out ..yet can't show me the same courtesy back.

Did she expect it though? Or did you offer?

Oh, so sorry. Thought it was 1 page

@Nebulosity

To everyone questioning “sly” I presume OP is from Liverpool or thereabouts, because it’s a common slang for mean here, as a pp said.

Yes NW and it is said to describe someone who is generally not very kind/nice.

@sallybreads

Like I said it's not about a duvet cover. It's about the fact she expected me to help her out ..yet can't show me the same courtesy back.

But she didn’t expect it, you offered abs didn’t want the money back. If you wanted the money back then you should have spoken to her about and agreed she would pay you back.

It’s only July, no need to bust out autumn duvet sets yet.

Or possibly ever.

Misses point of thread

Your not “too kind for your own good” (there’s no such thing) you lack appropriate boundaries and that is what annoys you. You have set up a dynamic in your friendship where you buy her stuff and she may even have come to expect it but it isn’t on her to turn you down or to match your spending. As the only person in this friendship is yourself stop buying her stuff.

Now you know where you stand with your friend,stop spending money on her. She just has a different mindset to you, and doesn't think of things like you do. Not sure why you would both wan't the exact same duvet sets, but that's another matter !

Just stop buying things for her

@Peoniesandpeaches

Your not “too kind for your own good” (there’s no such thing) you lack appropriate boundaries and that is what annoys you. You have set up a dynamic in your friendship where you buy her stuff and she may even have come to expect it but it isn’t on her to turn you down or to match your spending. As the only person in this friendship is yourself stop buying her stuff.

I think the OP thought that this is what friends do. When one is doing ok financially, they help the other out or try and even things out. Most people hang on tightly to their own money OP. Just see it as a lesson learnt. You have been too kind/generous.

Learned not learnt!

You're giving, she's taking. On a very sustained basis. I'd bin her off, permanently.

I buy myself stuff other people like too without feeling wrong, ever. Wouldn’t rub it in, but yeah, I’m an adult, responsable for my own finances and so are they, no need to feel the urge to buy for other adults. And when I think of helping I would never think of an extra duvet, when I know they have (at least) the two they bought last year. I would help if said friend needed to eat or needed to hire a budget coach.

Maybe she isn't as affluent now as you think she is. You've said you didn't expect anything in return but you have: you've expected her to do the same as you because you did it for her last year. You sound jealous that she can afford it now when you can't, if you wanted her to buy you one and pay her back, did you ask her to do that or did you just hope she'd take the hint?

I'm still baffled as to why you need a new autumnal duvet cover if money is that tight...

@MrsN100

Yabu. She has limits and you don't. She is saving her money but you didn't think to do that. Could have helped for a rainy day.

This.

Also - how many bloody duvet covers do you need? Why do you constantly buy new duvet covers rather than saving?

maireas my dear friend. I adore you and this is for you. It glows in the dark and everything 🎅🏼 x

@sallybreads

No need for the sarcastic responses. We are close friends and both love autumn /winter and love buying homewear. It's became a bit of a tradition to buy them every year (I did clearly say it's not essential and isn't even about the duvet set) It's everything..it's always me give give give (I'm not talking money either,in everything,I can baby sit her children to help her out but she has never offered once) I could write a list as long as my arm. I feel taken advantage of. She has in the past gone in stupid silent moods for a week over me buying something knowing she also liked it. Il just re iterate ...I'm not bothered about a duvet set. I'm bothered about the fact our friendship feels a one way street I give give give and she takes

So stop. Just that. She doesn't have the same mindset as you and that's fine. Stop being a doormat and buying / paying for her.

I would sub a friend for a few drinks so we could go for a night out together, because I enjoy their company and don't want them being skint to be a barrier to spending time with them.

But I wouldn't buy them stuff for their house unless they were in real need of it. Wanting a seasonal duvet cover is not a need and there's no reason at all to feel bad about buying yourself one and not your friend.

Sometimes I am amazed by the extent to which many people on MN lack boundaries.