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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is being ridiculous with these comments?

306 replies

hp45 · 27/07/2021 13:28

My son is 24, he lives a few hours away with his friend, so we rarely see him especially with covid. He has mental health issues and last year he was very depressed and suicidal and his friend helped him through it.

A couple of months ago, I asked him if he wanted to come on holiday with us, he said yes but asked if his friend could come and I agreed.

We got here yesterday, and my sisters children would've had to share a room so DS and his friend got their own room, DS and his friend offered to share. Since then, my sister has been making ridiculous comments to DS, asking him why he wants to share with his friend, and asking why his friend can't go on holiday with his family.

She then said to me that, if she lived with her friend, she wouldn't want to bring them on a family holiday, I told her that it was up to DS. She then said that they're going to ruin the holiday, they're going to be doing their own thing as we will be with our younger children, so I don't see how they're going to ruin it.

Am I Bu in thinking she's being ridiculous? Or would you agree with her?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2021 08:45

His friend then told her that she was making them uncomfortable by staring at them, which shut them up Grin

Good on them!

Are you going to leave at the same time as your ds or stick it out?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2021 08:46

*shut her up

pollymere · 29/07/2021 09:08

Trip aside, your sister needs to realize that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. The original plan was for the kids to share. She then decided they should have their own rooms, then decided that one of the adults should sleep on the sofa?! The relationship between your son and his friend has no bearing on her treatment of them which is appalling.

Tinpotspectator · 29/07/2021 09:10

I'd never go on holiday with her again, and warn her that. She needs to shut up and stop bullying.

wearenearlythere1 · 29/07/2021 09:21

Do you have any other kids in the accommodation?

Was she maybe expecting that you would be minding her kids more so she could get some headspace but you are now distracted with DS?

Sorry to maybe be rude, is your Ds's friend very odd? Is he the kind of person she wants to spend time with.

Given the issues your son has had I feel she is incredibly unsupportive 💐

I don't think it is the cost of the food as she had an issue at the room sharing part which was before that could have really had an impact. By all means do offer to level that element out but IMO that isn't the issue

Lifetheuniverseandeverything · 29/07/2021 09:39

Your son and his friend sound lovely by the way. Your sister is a homophobe regardless of whether they’re in a relationship or not.

Dontphunkwithmyheart · 29/07/2021 10:30

Your sister is a real piece of work, to be honest I would be seriously upset if she spoke to my while like that. Particularly if your DS has had the year he has. Are you going to speak to her about it? Purely just so your son feels you have his back and he’s not leaving “in shame”

pam290358 · 29/07/2021 11:06

Your sister sounds selfish and unkind - and not a little homophobic. Your son has been through a very difficult time - his friend has given, and is still giving him unconditional support and friendship. Whether their relationship is any more than that is conjecture and it’s their own business. You’ve opened up your home and your family to them both and I hope that in turn, this gives your son the reassurance to open up to you, when he’s ready.

I think the main issue here is whether your sister knows about your son’s recent problems. If she does, then her behaviour is unacceptable and maybe a quiet word is needed to stop any further discomfort for your son, and then confront her when you get home to get to the bottom of why she’s so hostile. If she isn’t aware of what’s happened, it may help to explain - giving as much or as little detail as you’re comfortable with - that his friend has supported him through a difficult time, and that he’s continuing that support on the holiday at your sons’ request with your blessing. And to all those saying the OP is BU, I suggest you re-read her original post - her son has been mentally unwell to the point of being suicidal, so let’s have a bit empathy and understanding for the difficult time she’s been through herself shall we ?

Maybe part of the problem with your sister is that the addition of two young adults on the holiday was a bit of a surprise, but that doesn’t give her the right to behave like this and a quiet word to explain the circumstances should be enough. You’ve all been through a difficult time, your son has had serious mental health issues and it’s possible that some of those issues may have centred around the acceptance of his sexuality. It sounds as though your sister suspects your son and his friend are a couple and is passing judgement. ATM your son needs love and reassurance, not judgement, so I’m sorry to say that if your sister can’t get on board with that, you may need to distance yourself from her for a while until things are clearer.💐

Astella22 · 29/07/2021 11:47

I think it’s really odd actually they she assumes that they are in a relationship just because they share a room on holidays. Literally everyone I know would of done this at the same age in college and when staying away from home to save money.
It’s such an odd thing to be really put out by that I would think there is something else wrong with her and she is deflecting her bad mood on this issue. My spidey sense would be tingling and I would ask her what really wrong, could be something completely unrelated.

Throckmorton · 29/07/2021 15:45

It doesn't sound like you've stood up for your son when your sister makes these comments to him? I hope I'm wrong in that, because if you've not called her out on it when he can hear you do so, you're condoning her behaviour. Time to make a stand for your son I think

FeeLock · 29/07/2021 17:13

That your sister continues to mention it, publicly, shows it's her problem. Dollars to doughnuts her children are asking questions that make her feel uncomfortable, and instead of dealing with that she's deflecting it angrily to you & your son and friend.

Plenty of advice here on how to deal. All good wishes with your holiday. Flowers

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 29/07/2021 17:19

Personally would have nipped it in the bud on the first objection.

Not that my brother would ever make his own nephew uncomfortable or feel ashamed but I would just say:

"Look there's nothing wrong with adult males sharing a room, there's nothing wrong with two adult males being in a partnership, there's nothing wrong with two adult homosexual males! If you have a problem with this you know where the door is. Don't make my child uncomfortable for something completely normal!!"

I mean if your son had gone in to the armed forces he would be sharing 4 men + rooms with shock horror other men. Would she have a issue with this?!

Your sister is weird and possibly homophobic.

BasiliskStare · 29/07/2021 17:34

I have shared rooms with a friend of mine - both married - just a pragmatic thing - as has DS with friends of his .

I suspect sister did not like friend because it wasn't how she saw the holiday but sounds like OP's son and friend have been great - and OP needs a holiday also so if he and his friend can do stuff- all good luck to them.

Oftentimes things aren't easy

I have a friend I really like but I won't be going away ( i.e. overnight stay) with her any time , not soon but never , she likes things just how she likes them . Not worth it. I am not going to fall out with her but - it is my time away as well. We shall have lunch Grin

hp55 · 29/07/2021 21:52

Yes, my sister does know about sons mental health issues.

Today, me, DS and his friend spent the day together which was lovely. I told DS that it's fine if he's in a relationship with his friend and its fine if they're just good friends. I also told them to ignore my sisters comments as they aren't doing anything wrong.

DS and his friend went out for dinner, and whilst they were out I asked my sister what her problem with them was and she told me that they are making her feel uncomfortable as they ‘won't leave each other alone’. She denied being homophobic although she thinks his friend is gay but DS Is ‘definitely straight’

I will be leaving when DS and his friend leave tomorrow.

plodalong12 · 29/07/2021 22:07

@hp55

Yes, my sister does know about sons mental health issues.

Today, me, DS and his friend spent the day together which was lovely. I told DS that it's fine if he's in a relationship with his friend and its fine if they're just good friends. I also told them to ignore my sisters comments as they aren't doing anything wrong.

DS and his friend went out for dinner, and whilst they were out I asked my sister what her problem with them was and she told me that they are making her feel uncomfortable as they ‘won't leave each other alone’. She denied being homophobic although she thinks his friend is gay but DS Is ‘definitely straight’

I will be leaving when DS and his friend leave tomorrow.

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Good for you OP.

whilst they were out I asked my sister what her problem with them was and she told me that they are making her feel uncomfortable as they ‘won't leave each other alone’. She denied being homophobic although she thinks his friend is gay but DS Is ‘definitely straight’

She can deny it all she wants, she clearly is.

LoisLane66 · 29/07/2021 22:20

IMO it's your sis who's ruining the holiday. As long as your son and friend aren't making more work for you (if s/c) and do their own thing, I can't see the problem your sis has.

LoisLane66 · 29/07/2021 22:23

Whether gay or not, it can be uncomfortable to be in the company of people who can't keep their hands off each other. I wouldn't like it.

JustLyra · 29/07/2021 22:43

@hp55

Yes, my sister does know about sons mental health issues.

Today, me, DS and his friend spent the day together which was lovely. I told DS that it's fine if he's in a relationship with his friend and its fine if they're just good friends. I also told them to ignore my sisters comments as they aren't doing anything wrong.

DS and his friend went out for dinner, and whilst they were out I asked my sister what her problem with them was and she told me that they are making her feel uncomfortable as they ‘won't leave each other alone’. She denied being homophobic although she thinks his friend is gay but DS Is ‘definitely straight’

I will be leaving when DS and his friend leave tomorrow.

She’s massively homophobic, it’s very obvious.

I’m glad you’re leaving tomorrow. I would be massively limiting my time with her. She’s incredibly rude.

LoisLane66 · 29/07/2021 22:43

I've shared rooms with strangers when staying in a 4 bed female dorm on YHA holidays and I'm a grandma.
I even stayed in an Airbnb boat in Bristol with 19 others , make female and possibly others. Our beds were divided by wooden screens which only came halfway down the length of the bed. It was fine for two nights of the harbour festival and really cheap.

LoisLane66 · 29/07/2021 22:45

Should read 'male, female'...

LiannasBlueCoat · 29/07/2021 23:23

Ok so lets say your son is gay and this is his boyfriend. How is she going to deal with that moving forward? Are they allowed at family events or will it be too uncomfortable for her? She sounds ridiculous OP

CoriCelesti · 30/07/2021 03:45

@LoisLane66

Whether gay or not, it can be uncomfortable to be in the company of people who can't keep their hands off each other. I wouldn't like it.
Stop reading things into the OPs words. She said they 'won't leave each other alone' which means they hang out together all the time, NOT that they are groping each otherHmm
sailmeaway · 30/07/2021 06:28

' She denied being homophobic although she thinks his friend is gay but DS Is ‘definitely straight’'

She can deny it all she wants but it's clearly the idea that they might be a couple that's bothering her.
Many people think that homophobia doesn't exist anymore in the Uk, but it is alive and kicking unfortunately. You only have to head over to the feminism boards on here to see that.
Good for you for sticking up for them... your sister needs to give her head a good wobble.

sailmeaway · 30/07/2021 06:45

This reminds me of the bad old days of the 90s, 2000s and when if my then girlfriend and I booked a B&B we would tell them we were a gay couple, is that an issue? This was after a horrible time at a B&B in the West Country where the owners stared, rolled their eyes, tutted, mucked us about with breakfast times all because we had the audacity to be more than friends. And no, we weren't all over each other but you can often tell when 2 people are a couple even if they sit at the opposite sides of the room from each other...

LizzieW1969 · 30/07/2021 09:18

Stop reading things into the OPs words. She said they 'won't leave each other alone' which means they hang out together all the time, NOT that they are groping each other. Hmm

^Exactly. If they ‘couldn’t keep their hands off each other’, the OP wouldn’t be saying that she didn’t know whether they were a couple or simply very close friends, would she??