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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is being ridiculous with these comments?

306 replies

hp45 · 27/07/2021 13:28

My son is 24, he lives a few hours away with his friend, so we rarely see him especially with covid. He has mental health issues and last year he was very depressed and suicidal and his friend helped him through it.

A couple of months ago, I asked him if he wanted to come on holiday with us, he said yes but asked if his friend could come and I agreed.

We got here yesterday, and my sisters children would've had to share a room so DS and his friend got their own room, DS and his friend offered to share. Since then, my sister has been making ridiculous comments to DS, asking him why he wants to share with his friend, and asking why his friend can't go on holiday with his family.

She then said to me that, if she lived with her friend, she wouldn't want to bring them on a family holiday, I told her that it was up to DS. She then said that they're going to ruin the holiday, they're going to be doing their own thing as we will be with our younger children, so I don't see how they're going to ruin it.

Am I Bu in thinking she's being ridiculous? Or would you agree with her?

OP posts:
PattyPan · 28/07/2021 19:52

Have I got it right that your adult son and his friend are sharing a room so that a 5yo and 7yo don’t have to share? Leaving aside the homophobia for now, it’s obviously ridiculous for such small children to get their own rooms and bizarre that your sister wouldn’t just make them share if your DS and friend sharing makes her so uncomfortable. She is being very U.

Staffholidayclubrep · 28/07/2021 20:02

Homophobic and maybe feels she is missing out on holiday childcare as your DS is busy with his friend

SixesAndEights · 28/07/2021 20:08

@hp45

No, I don't think they are sharing a bed but if they are, I'm not sure why she's bothered!

I have told DS to visit for a weekend in a couple of weeks so we can spend some time together, and I told his friend he's welcome aswell.

I won't be coming on holiday with my sister again.

I wouldn't either, she's being ridiculous.
CrazyAllAroundMe · 28/07/2021 20:17

Jeez never mind not holidaying with her again. I wouldn't speak to my siblings if they spoke to my child like this.
Not comfortable with them sharing? Fricking weird it's not like they're underage as if they are a couple that would be the only reason for seperate sleeping in my eyes. My brother went on holidays/stag dos with male friends right up till covid hit and he's late 30s I've done the same with my friends and I'm in my 40s.

OP I hope if this man is your Sons partner he's able to open up to you soon maybe with a nudge from you if needed as you sound supportive. Please don't under estimate the affects on young people afraid to come out to their families and aunts behaviour is obviously triggering for them to be leaving.

Sillysuzie · 28/07/2021 20:50

@kpp11

Are you paying 50% of the accommodation? Your DS and friend paying for just their food is not enough, I'm sorry but they are adults and it seems like you have very little respect for your sister.
The sisters kids are 4 and 7. On holiday. I guarantee they're eating as much as the young men. If not more. I think 50/50 is fair. If you don't think kids can eat that much you need to spend some time around young children 🤣
Strangeways19 · 28/07/2021 21:03

Sounds very much like your sister has issues, has she been like this before?

Teaandjam · 28/07/2021 21:10

Your sister is one messed up individual.

MamaMia252 · 28/07/2021 21:41

She's being ridiculous and unkind. Your son's friend sounds amazing so if he wants or needs him for whatever reason including a holiday then that's not her concern. Hope you all have a nice time 😁

Yayhelen · 28/07/2021 21:43

No point having it out now whilst your away and ruining what’s left of the holiday, but I would revisit it in the future to understand what the issue was.

Did she expect your DS to help out with her kids and is a bit pissed that he isn’t? Does she think they are in a relationship and if so is she perhaps a bit homophobic?

I would just tell her after, in a really calm and measured way that you are not disappointed that it seemed to be an issue when you felt you had taken the right route (getting her agreement in advance that DS’s friend could come etc). Just let her know it would be helpful to understand what the issue was and what/how it fell short of her expectations. For the sake of diplomacy you could always phrase this as a ‘it’s been playing on my mind and I want to ensure I didn’t set some expectation that wasn’t fulfilled’, not saying you apologise - absolutely don’t, but be diplomatic “I am confused about the situation, help me understand what wasn’t working for you” ect….

Family is hard, but also, it’s family!

hp55 · 28/07/2021 22:31

I haven't read all of the replies yet, but no, she isn't normally this rude!

Last night, DS and his friend were sitting on the sofa and my sister asked me why they were sitting so close to each other, I think DS heard as he then put his head on his friends shoulder, my sister then told him to that he was making her uncomfortable, I told her to leave him alone as he wasn't doing anything! His friend then told her that she was making them uncomfortable by staring at them, which shut her up Grin.

She hasn't said anything to them today either (thankfully)

hp55 · 28/07/2021 22:31

Oops, messed up with the name change Blush but yes I am the OP

MdNdD · 28/07/2021 22:52

Sounds like she’s ruining the holiday by being so uncaring.

LovePoppy · 28/07/2021 23:20

I feel so sad for your son

MontyPants · 28/07/2021 23:41

OP PLEASE speak to your son about his friend/partner!! It really is important that he knows you’re ok with them being in a relationship, if indeed that is the case. If he is in a relationship with this man, and you don’t address it directly with him, he might think you are avoiding discussing his sexuality, and might never come out to you. Your sister sounds like a twat.

ellyeth · 28/07/2021 23:44

I'm sorry but your sister sounds horrible. I assume she knows that your son has some mental health issues. If she does, I think she is being particularly unkind.

I too wondered if your son's friend was his partner and perhaps your sister is uncomfortable with that. If so, that confirms my original feelings about her.

I would have thought the fact that they may well be going off and doing their own thing would be much preferable to them depending on you for transportation and company.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/07/2021 23:48

@hp55

I haven't read all of the replies yet, but no, she isn't normally this rude!

Last night, DS and his friend were sitting on the sofa and my sister asked me why they were sitting so close to each other, I think DS heard as he then put his head on his friends shoulder, my sister then told him to that he was making her uncomfortable, I told her to leave him alone as he wasn't doing anything! His friend then told her that she was making them uncomfortable by staring at them, which shut her up Grin.

She hasn't said anything to them today either (thankfully)

This is weird behaviour from your sister and if I were you I'd be having serious words with her about her homaphobic attitude. Also agree with PPs who have said it would be wise to make sure your son knows that you don't care who he is in a relationship with.
31flavours · 29/07/2021 00:13

I’m sorry to say your sister is a grade A fuckhead. If she has any knowledge of your sons depression and mental health issues, she should STFU and support what makes him happy/comfortable. If she can’t do that, then she’s a cunt.

Summerfun54321 · 29/07/2021 00:47

I think your son and his friend are owed an apology. If your sister wont give one then you should on her behalf.

AliceMcK · 29/07/2021 01:13

She then said to me that, if she lived with her friend, she wouldn't want to bring them on a family holiday

Was your sister ever young and have friends? I’ve spent loads of time with friends I’ve lived with when I was younger. When living in a shared housing situation like that friends become a second family especially in difficult times. I would go out every week with my flatmates and go on holidays with them including family holidays. Young people will happily share rooms and beds with absolutely nothing sexual about it.

You sister sounds very petty. I also agree she might think there is more going on and she thinks they are in a relationship and uncomfortable with it.

In future I will tell her no your not going on holiday again with her if she’s going to treat your son and his friend like this.

Mostlylurkingiam · 29/07/2021 01:26

If 2 people happy sharing none of anyone's business. I agree your sister sounds homophobic and also not seeming to understand 2 men can just share platonically. If it was 2 women would she have the same issue. She seems to find the idea of 2 men sharing a room as "icky" which is completely unacceptable and I hope you have told her this.

DewDew83 · 29/07/2021 01:40

Yup. Who knows if they're a couple or not but, either way, your sister sounds like a massive homophobe.

Bangolads · 29/07/2021 05:21

He’s your son, I assume she knew the arrangements. If so she is being downright nasty.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/07/2021 07:00

I also think you should make it abundantly clear to your son that, if he IS gay and this is his boyfriend, then you are absolutely fine with it and he should ignore his aunt's whinging.

Your support so far (from what you've said here) could be seen to be as much from ignorance as acceptance, so I'd definitely clarify that to him.

But I wouldn't openly challenge your sister in front of the lads, because if they're NOT in a relationship, it could be pretty embarrassing for them. Mind you, I'd definitely have a word with her in private and check that this isn't latent homophobia, because if your son does turn out to be gay, then he doesn't want to be anywhere near her!

Schooldilemma2345 · 29/07/2021 08:03

OP I think you should take your son and his friend for a coffee/drink/lunch at some point today just the 3 of you and apologise for your sister’s weird/hostile behaviour and clarify that that they are always welcome to visit you. I think you should acknowledge that you appreciate your son’s friend for all the support and kindness he has shown your son and that you don’t share you sister’s attitude- that whatever the relationship means to your son and his friend they have the right to privacy and that your son’s friend is a valued member of your family because your son has chosen to trust him with the issues he’s faced. I think you should wait to see if they choose to tell you their relationship is more than just friendship- it’s probably better to lay a foundation for him to tell you when he feels comfortable rather than push him into defining it beyond where he wants to.

sue20 · 29/07/2021 08:37

What a strange post. It seems to have a lot of missing information. But whatever the exact circumstances ie discussed and agreed before, homophobia, space, money, etc, I feel there is NEVER an excuse for a presumably older adult to be unpleasant to a young family guest that’s just horrid. Whatever reason. She sounds as though she needs to get over herself. Poor son and friend. They were invited.