My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

[Firsttimemum1999]

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

Can we be friends.. I’m in the same position.. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry lol x

I think he’s going to get a shock when baby arrives, maybe he just doesn’t realise how much life will change? I can see why your upset because you understand how much work a baby is but it sounds like he doesn’t. He may have a season ticket (not much you can do about that now) but that doesn’t mean he has to go to every home match? He might realise when the baby comes that it’s not going to be doable?

He's basically telling you the baby is your responsibility and you are default childcare even on the times he's not working.

Why do people refer to looking after their pen children as child care. Parenting surely.

He's an arse. I'd probably just leave him.

Love the idea of baby sometimes going with him to the matches. There's a Mum on here who's done it, so why not?

In general, there is nothing wrong with a dad having a season ticket and going out to enjoy matches. DH has one and I packed him off to a home match when DD was 3 days old!

But what is the issue here is he seems to think he can work through the week, work alternate weekends and go to home matches interspersed with that! That gives you no time together as a 3, let alone gives you any child free time really.

If I were you, I'd print off the fixtures for both his team and the other team when he will be working and ask when he proposes to spend time with you and his child? He can't have everything, something will have to give

It's a 90 minute football match every other week
Probably more like the whole day with travel, loitering, pub etc! I can't imagine a selfish dickhead like this not taking advantage. Also, there are sometimes mid week evening games and other events.

He's not taking the impending arrival of his baby very seriously is he?

Love the idea of baby sometimes going with him to the matches. There's a Mum on here who's done it, so why not?

Precisely. One of three things will happen:

1. dad will take baby to a match, decides it's doable, continue to do so. Baby gets a solid block of time with dad, mum gets a regular break.

2. dad takes baby to match, decides it's too difficult, has a revelation about how babies can be quite demanding and realises that him going frequently to matches is selfish and doesn't go/doesn't go much in the future.

3. he refuses to take baby, has to be clear that he just wants alone time with his mates to booze, and the OP clearly had her answer about how committed he is to his son and her.

@LannieDuck

Love the idea of baby sometimes going with him to the matches. There's a Mum on here who's done it, so why not?

a small baby with an immature 22 year old out drinking with his mates at a football game. what could go wrong?

OP, I'm so sorry but this relationship is going nowhere. You need to assume he will be no use whatsoever apart from maybe some money. His parents will ALWAYS be on his side. My guess is his mum is telling you to put up with him and not push him away because she knows left to him, she won't be seeing her grandchild. Honestly talk to your friends and mum (i know she wasn't brilliant but she is what you have) and try to figure out how you can live away from him and his family with your baby. Also do not drop your hours - you need to work fulltime.

Do many heavily pregnant women want to have the weekend to themselves when they're due to give birth soon?

I'm weirded out that this is being toted as a good thing - on a forum for mothers.

I would tell him tough shit, you've already bought season tickets without telling him for yourself and will be out of the house every weekend. Then go an sit in a cafe.

He can suck on that.

Sorry even after reading your other comments I think you’re overreacting.

Before I got pregnant we never went out as an couple or if we did I had to force him, and while I’ve been pregnant we’ve only gone out once for an meal and that was because it was our anniversary so it had to have an reason behind it for us to spend time together but when his dad asked him if he wants to go for an drink but it’s usually more he’s all up for it when I asked if we can go for an meal or go somewhere he’s like I dunno or no or I just wanna chill out

I'm really sorry OP but to me this is the biggest red flag, especially the first sentence - you and he didn't have a good relationship even before you got pregnant, and I can only see it getting worse, not better, once a baby comes along and the season ticket begins. You can try to drag out this relationship as long as you can, but it will be miserable for you to watch how little he cares about you and how little time he wants to spend with you. I had a relationship once with someone who swore he loved and worshiped me, yet wasn't fussed about spending time with me, and didn't want me to 'pressure' him to spend time together - finally breaking free from him was so liberating, and I'll never fall into that trap again, even being alone is far better than wanting to be with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you. Good luck OP.

He just told you he hasn’t thought at all about what it means to be a father or the responsibilities he is about to face. He is assuming you will be the default caregiver and that he can continue his life as normal. You are right to be concerned.

@Hillary17

Sorry even after reading your other comments I think you’re overreacting.

How very modern of you.

I'm sorry to say this but he has a life outside you, working in a pub, socialising, football. I bet most of his friends don't even know you. You are 'er indoors, tucked away nicely in his family home. Unless he matures rapidly I doubt he will get any better. I was in a similar position once, I stayed till my confidence had been smashed to smithereens. Prepare yourself, if you can go back to work, do so.

I can't believe someone said it's not unreasonable as he works all week!

What the fuck is the OP going to be doing all week if not work? Staying at home with a new baby is so, so exhausting.

He is being completely unreasonable.

There's often an assumption that mothers are the default carers (because they carry the baby and give birth to it) and so the father doesn't need to consult the mother or run his plans by her. If she's not out at work, where else would she be but tending to her baby/children? Your DP may have been raised in a traditional household where the father was the breadwinner and the mother took care of everything to do with the house and children.

You haven't lived together as an independent couple - paying rent or a mortgage and bills. I'm guessing you haven't pooled your finances yet. So your DP may consider his money to be 'his' money, as opposed to shared money - to be spent as he sees fit.

If this sounds like I'm making excuses for him, I'm not. You're about to have a baby and while the pregnancy wasn't planned, your DP contributed to creating the baby and the baby is going to result in changes going forward - changes for both of you. Signing up for a season ticket will have implications for you going forward - financial implications and implications in terms of how much time he can devote to his family outside of his two jobs. He's not showing any empathy to your position in the house - it's not your own home so you'll be stuck at home with the baby and his parents while he's off with his mates. At the very least, he should have discussed it with you and sought your opinion/agreement. Maybe you could have come to a compromise e.g. he can get the season ticket but only go to X no. of matches. Or just go to the matches but no boozing afterwards. Instead, it's been presented to you as a fait accompli so, understandably, you're feeling resentful. And it's not helping that your DP's DM is sticking her oar in.

I don't have a crystal ball so I can't say what the future holds. I'd like to think your DP will be besotted with the baby when it arrives and will step up to the plate in terms of doing his share of the parenting. But it's equally possible that he will continue to live the life of a single man, leaving you to hold the baby. You need a Plan B in case that happens. Whatever you do, don't give up your job as that will provide you with financial security should the worst happen. You're in a very precarious position at present in terms of your housing. And be extra careful with contraception after the baby comes. A second unplanned pregnancy could sound the death knell for your relationship or leave you trapped in a difficult situation.

Also, I wouldn't be happy with his parents defending him by saying that he works hard. I'm sure you work hard at your job too. The implication seems to be that he works hard so he can spend his money however he wishes. You're having a baby together and that should be his priority. If you were living together and paying rent and bills, they would have to be his priority.

@MsSquiz

In general, there is nothing wrong with a dad having a season ticket and going out to enjoy matches. DH has one and I packed him off to a home match when DD was 3 days old!

But what is the issue here is he seems to think he can work through the week, work alternate weekends and go to home matches interspersed with that! That gives you no time together as a 3, let alone gives you any child free time really.

If I were you, I'd print off the fixtures for both his team and the other team when he will be working and ask when he proposes to spend time with you and his child? He can't have everything, something will have to give

I would bet @MsSquiz that your DHdid in fact talk to you about it and plan it all with you before he spent 100s of pounds on a season ticket too. Which is perfectly ok if you both agree.

@Firsttimemum1999 I’m sorry that so many have said your partner doesn’t intend to support you, and his family are just thinking about him, not you or your child, but it’s true. And sadly you will be on your own here. Start now by making some plans to get support from friends and family and be as independent as you can. Can you work after your dc is born, will you have a job?

I'm going to be honest OP, your partner sounds exactly like mine, he has a season ticket and plays a lot of football too, doesn't think twice of popping to pub after work on a Friday etc. We also had children quite young, though not as young as you, and I spent the first year of our eldest child's life full of resentment towards him that my life had changed beyond recognition whilst his continued much as before. We spent lots of time arguing about how unfair it was, how much more free time he had etc. Nothing changed. After months of this I realised that nothing was going to change and I had a choice to make, either accept it or leave, as the constant arguing was making me even more unhappy. I decided to stay, and have mostly been happy with my decision. It was a close call, ultimately I chose being able to see my child every day and financial security over fairness/free time.

Day to day I am still very much default parent, I don't have any hobbies (nor did I pre-DC) and have no time for the gym etc, but do get to meet up with friends with a couple of weeks notice, since lockdown ended I have had 2 weekends away for example. He doesn't go out on big nights out very often anymore, mostly because since starting his own business he is a workaholic, but he still plays 5 a side 3 evenings a week when DC are in bed and goes to the pub most weekend days for an hour or two. Now DD is 5 he takes her to games with BIL and our niece as he wants her to support the team. He's been doing so since she was 3 and has just got her a season ticket for this season.

YABU

He still needs a life to? He won't be stopping you surely, a baby doesn't need 2 of you all the time and life doesn't stop. My DH booked to go a special racing event on my due date, he has a season ticket, works and also goes fishing.
It doesn't bother me as when he is home we make most of family time and I find it easier on my own. He is worse then my 3 children

I wouldn't be happy considering your updates that he's now skint. I presume that a season ticket means he'll be paying for alcohol, travel to matches, football strips on top. I think it's unreasonable to ask him not to go to matches for a few years but I'd expect him not to go to every match like pre-baby. I'd be telling him to take the baby with him to some home matches. It is unreasonable for him to expect that his life will go on just as it did pre-baby

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe Did you see where he plans to get drunk as a skunk before,during and after the matches? You think he deserves that time and the new mother should just suck it up? @callmebettie If you accept your spouse going somewhere on your due date that's fine but the majority of decent partners in this world would never have done that and I'd have higher expectations for my husband

It doesn't bother me as when he is home we make most of family time and I find it easier on my own. He is worse then my 3 children

That's really sad that you are in a relationship where it's easier when he's not about. It should be a partnership 😢

OP- it's better to have no dad than a crap dad. Your partner is clearly too immature to have a baby and it won't be long until your baby realises it too.

Does he know any men with babies who will give him a reality check? He's clearly not thought about how things will change because his parents have raised him to put himself first and when he gets a massive shock you know that they are going to make out that he's suffering more than you.

@EKGEMS @starsdontburn @SpindleWhorl I too am astonished at the extremely low bars for new fathers that are being set and encouraged on this thread (when of course it will then be left to the new mothers to do all the work of looking after the baby while the dad is out doing his thing). This seems to be what Cool Girl Syndrome looks like once a baby comes along....