My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

[Firsttimemum1999]

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

I don't understand this mumsnet move of making out like having a baby is a piece of piss and women should just shut up and let their partners go out every night. It's so weird.

He's being selfish. Incredibly so. The money, the time away, the refusal to compromise. It's all very telling. My friend has a similar situation with her partner, started out going to football matches every Saturday. Then it was staying at his mates Saturday night as he had been drinking but promised to be home early Sunday, that became rolling in Sunday afternoon. Then he started playing darts in a Tuesday. He's absolutely fucking useless, does sod all. Don't let that happen!

Oh dear.

OP, babies are a bomb into even the strongest and most committed relationships. It is a test like no other and it is hard. Even for those who have been married for years, are in their 30s, and have their own home.

I don't think your relationship is going to work, I'm so sorry. At least, it won't work if you have any sort of self-worth or backbone. He is obviously not ready for this and has no concept of what's about to happen other than some vague idea that babies are cute and there might be nappies involved somewhere along the line.

Unless he has a major change of heart, and I would NOT pin any hopes on that, I would move out of his parents ASAP and make preparations for the fact that you will be raising this child almost exclusively by yourself. I'm sure he'll pop up every now and then when he wants to show his son off to his family and mates, but you will be the one doing all the actual work. So make yourself ready for that now, don't wait until the baby is here in the hopes he'll change his mind.

If he does change his attitude then great, you can consider living together etc again after he's proven his worth as a father.

Very best of luck.

Actions speak louder than words
He isn’t entering into this as a partnership and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change
I’d probably move on and not waste any more time with him

He’s setting his stall out early isn’t he? Dh had a colleague like this, he worked all hours to avoid family life. She chucked him out and he’s doing it all over again with a new woman.

Definitely not fine I would be fuming. He shouldn't be committing to anything that would take him off for a full day on a weekend. Maybe when the kids are a bit older as you say or at least with discussion with you but that's not fair to make the decision on his own. My DH would play cricket all day every Saturday if he could but he's aware that it's too much of a commitment and disruption to our weekends at the moment. He plays during the week in the evenings instead on a more informal basis when the baby is in bed.

Firstly, don't listen to his ridiculous mother saying you're "pushing him away", she's basically saying that her own baby boy has to have everything he wants - and the implication is that if you stand up for yourself and your child, and your boyfriend then strays or leaves you, you've brought it on yourself. It sounds like you have grown up without healthy relationship models from your own family so might be tempted to believe this, so I'm here to tell you - her attitude is steaming hot bullshit. You are quite right to stand up for yourself and assert the baby's right to spend time with his father. (I wouldn't go down the road of saying he can't be there at the birth, I guess you did that to hurt him but it's not going to be productive.)

Secondly, he sounds totally clueless about what fatherhood is. A lot of places have support groups for young fathers (under 25 usually) so try googling your place name/county where you live + young fathers and see if there's anything on offer. I used to work with a guy your age who was in a group like this and he got a lot out of it and they spent time with their babies together, was nice to meet other lads in a similar situation etc.

In the long run, I think it's a tossup whether he comes to realise he wants to be a real parent or not. He doesn't seem to fundamentally get that the baby is as much his responsibility as yours. Hopefully he'll come to understand this, but if he doesn't you need a plan of your own. And you do have the strength for this. What you definitely shouldn't do is live the life of a single parent while he does what he likes.

I've had season tickets before and once we had kids I just made sure I went for the matches and not the day out. I could leave the house at half 1 and be back by half 5 so only 4 hours which I think is fine.

Football doesn't have to be the entire day

Get a blank calendar page for Mon to Sun with lines for hours.

Colour in every line that he will be at work or commuting to/from work.

Colour in every line that he will be at football or travelling to/from football.

Colour in 7 to 8 hours sleep a night plus an hour for showering, toilet time, eating, teeth cleaning etc.

See how much time is left unshaded and show that to him.

That is the total waking hours it is possible for him to spend with his child.

That's assuming he doesn't watch TV, do any exercise, call his mates, play video games etc.

I bet it doesn't leave much unshaded.

If he doesn't want to spend any time with his child or contribute to the child financially, why is he having one?

He's barely more than a child himself, who hasn't lived away from home. He's got no life experience and has never had any form of responsibility. He hasn't got a scooby about what a baby is going to do to his life.

It is what it is, OP, but what you don't do is give birth and take on 100% of the childcare. You make it clear from day one that he's now a Dad, and he steps up. I'd also prep his parents to not take over and let him find his feet. You can't change the past, only shape the future. Good luck.

@Firsttimemum1999 If your partner’s parents are siding with him, then you are outnumbered and in a bad situation.

Look at all your options. Look after you and baby. Put you and baby first. Find your support network. Your mum, your friend or any organisations out there that help new parents.

I’m not in the UK so I am not familiar with organisations that help new parents or help people in vulnerable situations.

Need to know which team he's purchased the season ticket for... then I can properly judge if you're being unreasonable or not...

You need to establish 50:50 care outside of work hours for your baby (and housework) right from the beginning. It's obvious that he intends for you to be the default for all of it.

Does he agree that you should have half of the free time?

So if he goes to football on Mon/Weds after work, that means that Tues/Thurs after work, he's on childcare duty. If he wants to do something those days, he needs to arrange childcare because you're not available (even if you're just having a bath / reading a book).

Similarly on weekends, write down which dates he's working, then split the rest in half. You can add in his football dates, and if it's more than half, he'll need to arrange childcare for those dates (NOT YOU!). So he'll need to contact grandparents and do the asking / arranging. He'll need to stay in to let the grandparent into your house or drop DC over to their house. (Obv for the other half, you get to do whatever you want, and he's the default parent).

This does mean you end up with no couples time per se. Maybe need to discuss this with him - is it what he wants? If not, then you both give up some of your weekends days / weekday evenings to carve out time.

My dp now dh did something similar with gyms before and when we had our first child 16 years ago.
He worked all night on the doors at the time then wanted to spend all day in the TWO gyms he had joined and the rest of the time catching up on his sleep.

He's always been a good dad hands on and everything but he had no perception of how having a baby changed his life. I didn't either tbh but being the one who is pregnant made it more of a reality to me than it did him.

The arguments we had over it were something else but they were all part of us both adapting to the massive change in our lives and we both got there in the end. A big part of his issues adapting was his home life as a child. His dad used to get up early be out all day either at work or doing his own thing, come home late eat dinner and go to bed. It never really showed him what a dad did at home so he didn't know.

He soon found out though because after my maternity leave I had to return to work and he was the stay at home dad for over 10 years.

I am amazed at some of these responses! Imagine if a new mum said "sorry honey every other WE not home ,as out with the girls to a Spa Day!" I think he is being selfish and immature . Also to use cash for a season ticket instead of Baby Essentials ! He sounds very immature to me

He needs to learn that as soon as you have a child you do need to check with the other parent if you want to go out. It’s not on to automatically assume that they will be happy to look after the child. What if you booked yourself into yoga classes (or whatever) that meant he’d have to look after the child every single Saturday afternoon. Would that be ok?

I have a season ticket for my local club. Games start at 3pm (usually), so I would leave around 2ish. Game finishes at 5, home by 5.30 - 6 if the traffic was bad.

When my kids were tiny, that's what I did. I even took my youngest with me in a sling as I was breastfeeding and even though I pumped, he didn't take a bottle well. So he had a tiny pair of ear defenders and came with me! The stewards were really helpful and would get me a chair if I went into the concourse to feed - I never quite had the guts to feed on the terraces!

Anyway, my point is that he doesn't need to be out of the house that much - so Saturday mornings will be his time with the baby. You lie in, he gets up, takes the baby. He is not allowed to disturb you, pump milk if you are planning to breastfeed and encourage baby to bottle feed early on, so that he can do his bit.

Sundays are family days. Put your foot down.

So he wasn’t a great partner, the baby was an accident, and he is both spending money on fun things for him and booking time to spend very little time with you or baby? I would consider the future as a single woman with a baby - what are your options? Could you live with your mum? Great you have a job, could you afford childcare on your wage and child support or would anyone help? I’m sorry to be depressing but it is quite a likely outcome and will be easier to face if you’ve assessed the options.

It's a 90 minute football match every other week. If he's working two jobs I couldn't begrudge him that.

And Dottie, if a new mum said she wanted a spa thing for a few hours every two weeks she'd be roundly supported on here.

Worth telling midwife your set up isn’t great - you are very vulnerable in his parents house and no support. She should be able to signpost you to organisations that can help.

Yes of course he needs to work all week and then work at the weekend 'because they've been good to him' and then buy a season ticket behind your back so he can go to football when he's not working. How could anyone think that was in any way unreasonable?

And of course you shouldn't worry, just take a day off yourself on the one day every other week that he might have free and the only time you'd have together as a family, leave him with a baby that hardly knows him because he's never there and never mind if you're breastfeeding and baby won't take a bottle, just go off and don't give them a second thought.

I wonder if the posters who think this is fine actually have kids!

I've just seen you are prepping for formula feed. Which means he can share the feeding and can't use baby breastfeeding as an excuse to get out of parenting.

He can take baby to the football matches in a sling and pair of ear defenders*, and you can have a break. Obviously he can't go drinking as well, or only have one, but he's going for the football right...

Perhaps he'd like to be in charge of finding a sling and ear defenders.

I can't imagine he'd actually step up and do this, and if he did, I bet it would only be the once, but he needs to realise that he doesn't just get to opt out of parenting like this. If he wants to watch the football when having a small child the onus is more in him to work out how to do this, than you facilitating him

• I have taken newborns/young babies to live bands, festival stuff etc and a pair of ear defenders and a sling and they were fine.

I think it’s spectacularly selfish for all the reasons you’ve outlined. Plus it costs to go- transport, parking, drinks before during and after, snacks etc.
My DH cancelled his season ticket as he realised he barely saw our DS due to working and only restarted it when DS was about 10.

Totally unreasonable not to discuss how to spend his time and money and inconsistent with you both agreeing to share care of baby

My DH took baby DS to matches, it is doable if you sit in the family zone. Best of all in most stadia, babies go free...

@RevolvingPivot

My husband was in Afghanistan when our first was born.

Why is this relevant to the thread?