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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

242 replies

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 10:49

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

OP posts:
Original poster
Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:26

@Whatwouldscullydo

So you haven't got everything fir the baby as you can't afford it but he's spent the money on a season ticket?

If he's not working he's either going to go do a secind job or go see a football match.

No doubt he will " be all hot/smelly " when he gets back.from work.so will need a shower first befire he can " help you out" and hold the baby while u pee.....

Yeah he's not planning on being around much he's acting like a single guy already.

I think you have a serious problem.here op.

We’ve got mainly everything just needs as family brought us pram car seat, Moses basket, crib bouncer and steriliser we’ve just got to get some formal Milk now which we know is over £10 a tin especially for the one we’re wanting and changing Mat. He was wanting an car seat base to keep in the car but he said he didn’t wanna pay £115 for that but he was happy to pay £400 for an season ticket.
OP posts:
Smackthepony · 27/07/2021 12:28

You are both soooooo young. He clearly is not willing to make any adjustments in his life to take into account spending time with his new born. The fact that he’s chosen Now to buy a season ticket is very telling. He’s making sure he’s out of the way so he doesn’t have to deal with a baby. You are going to be a single Mum except with the added burden of an immature drunken man-child to with deal as well. It seems he fully intends to live the life of a single lad with a white goods at home taking care of everything. You would be better off on your own. He would have custody at weekends and you would have a break to get on with your life. I wonder how he would fit a baby into that schedule! I’m sorry OP but If you don’t end it I suspect you’ll be posting a year down the line about how exhausted you are, how he doesn’t do his share etc etc.

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/07/2021 12:28

So family paid for all the expensive stuff? And he won't even fork out fir a car seat base...

And 400 pounds Shock

Original poster
Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:29

@gnushoes

did he want this baby?
That’s what I sometimes feel like, I asked him and he keeps saying he’s of course I do. And claiming that he worship the ground me and our son walks on but I feel like he’s doesn’t mean it as I told him last night exactly with how I’m feeling where I feel like he doesn’t care or not bothered, I don’t want him to be with me when I’m giving birth and he accused me of taking our son away from him
OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2021 12:33

Realistically OP you are on your own. He’s not a partner. Use the support from your family and friends. Don’t make final decisions yet eg work. You will probably need to be able to support self and baby. Good luck.

Oceanbliss · 27/07/2021 12:34

@Firsttimemum1999 how does your partner’s parents treat you? Do they respect you? Are they okay with their son treating you badly?

Everyone needs to be loved, respected and supported. No one deserves to be treated as if they don’t matter or have equal value and importance.

If you are in a situation where you are not loved, respected and supported you need to get out of that situation for both you and your baby.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you stay with them?

Dragon50 · 27/07/2021 12:34

OP I think you are realising that the words don’t match up with the actions.

He could change, though this doesn’t bode well. So I’d probably have a plan B to fall back on (ie back to parents if need be, trying to ensure I have escape money).

Is he planning to cover/contribute to your costs while on mat leave?

Original poster
Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:35

@ivykaty44

I think your problem is your future father to be doesn’t think his life will change when his baby is born

He had made himself skint by purchasing a luxury item at the expense of his baby needing equipment

Sound like the father to be needs a good talking to be someone he respects as to his obligation of making a baby

Anyone that can chat to him about being a selfish dick?

No because they’re all telling me to let him do whatever he wants etc he’s worked hard for this, and if I carry on with how I’m feeling I’m gonna end up pushing him away. And saying when our son is born he won’t wanna leave mine or his side but he’s got an funny way of showing it when he’s making all these plans for when he’s born it’s like him and his dad made plans to go to another town close to where we live for an p*** up to wet our son head.
OP posts:
honeylulu · 27/07/2021 12:35

we never went out as an couple or if we did I had to force him, and while I’ve been pregnant we’ve only gone out once for an meal and that was because it was our anniversary so it had to have an reason behind it for us to spend time together but when his dad asked him if he wants to go for an drink but it’s usually more he’s all up for it when I asked if we can go for an meal or go somewhere he’s like I dunno or no or I just wanna chill out

Oh dear, I am sorry OP but this relationship sounds dead in the water. Not what you want to hear when you are having a baby I know.

It sounds very much like even before you were pregnant you were "useful" to share bills and household drudgery with but any time spent for pleasure he wants to spend it with other people. He's already mapping his weekends out so he doesn't get lumbered with helping look after the baby. He probably thinks of it as just your baby because it came out of your body.

That's before we even get to the money. Says he's too skint to buy baby stuff and leaves it all to you, but gives himself a £400 treat. I have no words.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2021 12:38

Think carefully re baby surname if you are going to be primary carer. Traditionally baby has mums surname. Also it’s up to you if you put him on birth certificate. Doing so gives him parental responsibility. Don’t be pressured by him or his family do what’s best for you and baby.

Original poster
Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:40

[quote Oceanbliss]@Firsttimemum1999 how does your partner’s parents treat you? Do they respect you? Are they okay with their son treating you badly?

Everyone needs to be loved, respected and supported. No one deserves to be treated as if they don’t matter or have equal value and importance.

If you are in a situation where you are not loved, respected and supported you need to get out of that situation for both you and your baby.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you stay with them?[/quote]
My partner partners agreeing with my partner and saying to let him have this as it was his dad idea to get this Season ticket as well. But yesterday they was arguing as his dad didn’t wanna do it if it’s going to cause bothered between us but my partner was determined to get them despite all the arguments it causing between us his dad even said it not good for me or for our son all this while his mum telling me to lay off him and I’m gonna push him away when I’m only trying to do what best for our son and family. And I get on with my mum now but never had an good relationship with my mum because I was always with my Nans as she was hardly there for me when I was growing up etc but I’ve grown up without knowing my dad so that why Im like I how I am with my baby dad because I know what it like not to have my dad in my life or for an parents where you’re not the the main priority

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 27/07/2021 12:42

OP your partner is a dick.

He just doesn’t care that you think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t give a shit. If he did then he’d be reassuring you that he will be at home plenty and that he won’t go to every match or he’ll leave his second job etc.

There is a compromise to be had - the season ticket isn’t the issue (except that really he couldn’t afford it) but him having a ticket isn’t the issue, the issue is that he doesn’t see / doesn’t want to see that parenting is a two person job. That he should have talked this through with you and agreed both of your expectations towards family time and weekends.

If any time you raise a concern you are called the bag guy or told you’re a “nag” or some other misogynistic tripe then you’ve got a much bigger problem. Huge red flag that not only does he not consider you in his decisions but he’s not open to listening to your feelings or input either. Even when they are totally valid.

Long story short, very much doubt this guy is going to change so unless you put your foot down and demand the respect and equality that is he absolutely failing to give you right now then you’re going to find yourself very unhappy in this relationship.

Ultimatum time for me - show your commitment to being an equal partner or parent or fuck off

Sirzy · 27/07/2021 12:45

He can still be in his life without you being in an unhappy relationship though.

See the baby being born as a fresh start for you and him and try to focus on the two of you. If others want to be in your lives they can be but not at the cost of your happiness.

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/07/2021 12:45

So every time you ask for support and some consideration regarding expenses you are pushing him away?

You cabt push someone away who was never there

Original poster
Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:47

When I tried to talk to him yesterday morning he told me to chill my beans or that he doesn’t seem to see my problem, like my mum offered to have him every Friday night when he’s abit older for her to spend time with him as his mum and dad will have everyday to spend time with our son and my partner turned around and said why don’t you use that time your mum has him for your time to chill out etc but she offered to have him so me and my partner can do things together or spend time together. He said when he’s comes home from matches and he’s not working for me to give him the baby so I can either have an nap or chill out but I don’t think I would want to with him been out drinking if you get what I mean?

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 27/07/2021 12:49

I don't get how people think this is OK. He wasn't interested in a season ticket before and now there's a baby on the way he has to have one? When there are things that still need buying for the baby and the OP will be left (literally) holding the baby while he goes of to the footie? That might have been the pattern 50 years ago but it's 2021 now.

To start going to the games before the baby comes is incredibly selfish too. What if the OP goes into labour a bit early, dad's at the footie and is then too drunk to go to the birth? (Not sure what covid restrictions there are at present)

No, doesn't bode well and I think it shows his true colours.

Fernando072020 · 27/07/2021 12:50

I'm a football fan, season ticket holder. And I think your oh is being completely unreasonable.

anniegun · 27/07/2021 12:54

Dont people have these discussions before they start trying for a baby?

Nmhjchnn · 27/07/2021 12:55

The residents of Gilead are well represented on this thread lol.

cuparfull · 27/07/2021 12:57

Why are you with this man?

This relationship is not going to get any better is it, if even now he is making awayday plans without joint discussion.

IcedSpice · 27/07/2021 12:57

but I’ve grown up without knowing my dad so that why Im like I how I am with my baby dad because I know what it like not to have my dad in my life or for an parents where you’re not the the main priority

You and your baby are not his number one priority - you deserve so much more.

You have a lot of good advice here on this thread, and the only thing I would add (if not there already) is dont waste any more time on him, he will not change.
You will find yourself alone very soon, possibly with more children

Dont waste your life with someone who doesnt want the best for you

Candydreamer · 27/07/2021 12:58

@anniegun

Dont people have these discussions before they start trying for a baby?
this is such a bitchy comment dressed up as faux confusion.

OP has already said baby wasnt planned.

sergeilavrov · 27/07/2021 12:58

You have to learn to assert yourself, if you can’t do it for you, do it for your baby. It’s pretty clear you will be his only advocate, and so you must be a good one.

Explain to him that as you’re a family, large expenditures and investments of time and money need to be something you both agree to. This is a fundamental building block of a family, and if he isn’t on board with that, you need to reconsider what is best for your son. Be ready for him to kick off, and calmly go and stay with your mum for a bit. You’re young, you’re passive and your in laws are over involved and using their position as parents to assert authority over a couples decision. Priority needs to be getting a place of your own in time for this baby, that you can fund independently because this man is not ready to be a good father or partner.

cantbeforeal · 27/07/2021 12:59

YANBU

Dragon50 · 27/07/2021 13:00

OP - what do you want from this thread (meant kindly that is).

If it’s reassurance - no you are not being unreasonable and I’d argue that his family is gaslighting you.

The season ticket is symptomatic of a bigger question regarding commitment.

Do you even want to be in this relationship? How long have you been together?

It’s ok to feel disappointed. It’s ok to wait until baby is born to make future plans. It’s ok to want more for yourself and baby.

I wish you all the best.

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