My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

[Firsttimemum1999]

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

Season tickets are expensive, not to mention the added cost of transport/parking/'refreshments' so YANBU

However, the mention of needing 'you time' as opposed to be worried about losing family time is

I'd see the amount of hours he works as creating a bigger problem than a football match once a fortnight. He'd be better off dumping the pub job

@araiwa

I'd see the amount of hours he works as creating a bigger problem than a football match once a fortnight. He'd be better off dumping the pub job

I agree with that.

It’s not looking promising OP. He obviously sees baby as your responsibility in terms of physical care and finances. He’s not a partner in any sense of word. You need to speak to him. If you got an expensive pass for a hobby every other Sunday without telling him and just assumed he’d have baby would he like it - no. He’s shown his colours. Be careful and protect yourself. You aren’t married don’t slip into trap of paying for everything for baby, don’t give up job and end up in a mess financially if you split.

@Demelza82

Season tickets are expensive, not to mention the added cost of transport/parking/'refreshments' so YANBU

However, the mention of needing 'you time' as opposed to be worried about losing family time is

Yes there is also that as well feel like we won’t get any family time either but he’s gone out and made all these plans for his time and I’ve not once made any plans for my own time

@Whattodoaboutnothing

Sorry OP. This doesn’t bode well. He sees you as a nanny. Are you planning to stay home full time? I wouldn’t with a partner like this. I’d keep my financial independence and make him contribute to childcare provided by a third party.

I’m staying at home full time until my maternity is up and I’ve asked if I can reduce my hours at work for when I return, Instead of working 8:30-5 five times an day I’ve asked if I can work 3 days an week the same hours

@leakymcleakleak

Some of these responses are insane to me. When we had a newborn, I think DH socialised without me and the baby....twice in the first six months? And that was going to a close family wedding for a few hours (we all went to the church bit) and popping to a friends birthday drinks. The rest of the time, when he wasn't working, he was focused on us. I was often counting down the minutes to him getting in from work so I could hand the baby over and go have a few minutes to sit on my own. I literally can't imagine the kind of relationship where someone is spending one of their two non-work days off on their own half the time. What if the baby has been up all night before and you need to go to bed for a few hours? What if they're sickly?

I think you need a serious conversation. Have your mutual friends got children? Do you know how involved/hands-on they are?

I’ve tried to but he doesn’t seem to listen to me or it does no good and no I’m the first out of my friends to have an child, my best friend said that she will be there for me if I need help or support

You are not being unreasonable at all, I would be furious. What I would say, before we had our first , I don’t think my husband could really get his head around how much our lives would change and how intense looking after a baby is. Not making excuses , and he always really stepped up when baby was here but I have often found he just can’t visualise a situation until he is in it. It is infuriating though and has caused many arguments as I get fed up of doing all the thinking ahead etc. I just hope for you when baby is here he may be different.

My DSS has just bought a season ticket and his baby is a newborn. DIL was happy with it though because he just goes to the match and comes home, he doesn't go out all day and get drunk (he drives to the games). If your DH is likely to be considerate and just go to the game, then it's not a big deal. Using it as an excuse to go out on the lash is a different thing though.

Personally?

I'd dump him.

File a claim for child support.

He's showing you who he is: you are 100% responsible for all things baby and home, he's even spent all his money on a season ticket, so any spare time he has he'll be at the games or looking for another shift at the pub (with his mates, no doubt), and he's a heavy drinker to boot.

Fuck him.

Leave now and find a better life for yourself and your baby, OP, one where you are a priority, not a last thought.

This is not a good sign. The baby hasn't even been born yet and already your partner is putting his needs ahead of you and the baby. When baby gets here it won't just be about him any more, he's contributed to making a tiny human who will depend on him for some years yet. Just because you are mum it doesn't mean it's okay for you to be looking after baby 24/7 with no respite and I hope that he realises that when baby gets here if he doesn't see sense before.

You said in an earlier reply that you have family support but are reluctant to use it - I'd urge you to reconsider this. If your partner is happy to skip out on his obligations to your son (it took two people to make the baby and so it stands to reason that those two people should also play their part in raising the baby) then you're going to need them. If you can confide in your mum I would suggest you do so as she (probably) knows your partner and has been there before with respect to raising children so she'll be in a good position to advise you.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to be disappointed at his behaviour here, any of it that you've mentioned in your post and subsequent replies.

@VienneseWhirligig

My DSS has just bought a season ticket and his baby is a newborn. DIL was happy with it though because he just goes to the match and comes home, he doesn't go out all day and get drunk (he drives to the games). If your DH is likely to be considerate and just go to the game, then it's not a big deal. Using it as an excuse to go out on the lash is a different thing though.

He’s going to the matches and going to pub before kick off and be having an few drinks in the stadium and afterwards he’ll be going to the pub again as he’ll be catching the public transport to matches

He is giving himself an excuse to go out. If he has a season ticket he will no doubt say that he needs to go as he has already paid for the matches. It is his way of making sure he is able to carry on with his life without any constraints. I am sure he would not be pleased if you had done similarly. He is a selfish arse and he is showing you what he is going to be like. I wish that I had left my partner when I was pregnant as I instead chose to believe he would step up. I was wrong.

This isnt a good sign

First off am I right in thinking you still havent bought all the things you need because you dont have the money and he just spent a whole lot on a season ticket

When exactly will he be around to give you a break from childcare, undertake chores etc or will that all be on you?

To be honest this has car crash written all over it.

this sounds like a deliberate ploy on his part to make himself unavailable. You're a single mother in all but name now OP.

This isn’t on at all, especially if he’s going to be drinking too. It seems like he doesn’t think the baby is his responsibility too

Never mind the cost, just unreasonable to be expecting to be absent for 20 something out of perhaps 78 weekend days when you have a young baby.

Can I ask how long you’ve been together?

This isn’t on and not a good reflection of how he views you and baby in general. The time/money shows you are not his priority or a team - is he young?

Whatever you do, do not give up work there’s always a chance he might change but that’s unlikely.

In fact he will probably get worse once reality of baby is here.

Do you love each other?

Meh, my DH has had a season ticket for about 20 years so it predated our children. We have three, aged 6 and under and he still has the season ticket.

You can't really expect him not to go out just because your due date is near and you haven't bought everything you want. Amazon and supermarkets have everything you will need so it's not a big deal, even if the baby was born tomorrow.

As to the season ticket in the long term, my DH has kept his but it is on the understanding that he won't attend every single match. He doesn't go to midweek evening ones (obvs outside of Covid times) because it interferes with bedtime for the kids and I'm totally outnumbered if he's not there! And if we get invited to something or have something planned as a family then he doesn't go to weekend ones. Prior to Covid he took our eldest son to matches quite often which they both enjoyed, so there are positives too.

Could you come to some sort of agreement about it?

You could make Sunday family time day and you could take Saturday mornings on match day your day to have a lie in and do something for yourself, go to gym, shopping, out for a walk, brunch etc and he is in sole charge of his child before the match.

Don't fall into the trap of being the only one who's ever in sole charge of the baby. Also make sure that childcare, sick days, drop offs etc are shared when you go back to work.

Honestly OP you have got much bigger problems than a season ticket. I would lay serious money on you doing all childcare because 'he doesn't know what to do/ the baby doesn't settle with him, you covering the costs of all the things the baby needs because 'he works hard for his money' or because he convinces you to keep finances separate, meaning you end up skint while he spends money on himself whenever he wants. And I bet you reduce your hours or give up your job because of the cost of childcare. And then he'll expect you to do all the housework/chores and wait on him.

Meaning in a few years you end up penniless and miserable, doing all of the work, with no way out.

Look forwards to once the baby is here. Do you really see him doing 50%?

Does he not want this baby?

It seems like he's actively trying to block up all his time so he won't be able to spend any with you &/or the newborn.

Good grief the more you write, the worse he sounds. Utterly selfish.

Fast forward a few months. You’ll be exhausted doing all the childcare and housework, you’ll be lonely because he’ll never be there and when he is there he’ll be sleeping off the pints.

Keep your job, sort some childcare and give the baby your surname. This doesn’t bode well.