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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

242 replies

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 10:49

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

OP posts:

candycane222 · 27/07/2021 11:41

You are not the bad guy.

He is being ridiculously selfish, then bullying you by saying you are a 'bad guy' when you point out he is being unfair to you, and say you don't like it.

He needs to learn to put himself in someone else s (your) shoes. He probably doesn't want to think of himself as a selfish arse skiving off his responsibilities. He thinks its easier just to blame you.

You need to be firm about this, and i know this isn't easy, but if you can try to stay calm and factual, that might make it harder for him to just dismiss what you say.

Cap89 · 27/07/2021 11:41

My dh got a season ticket just before our first was born and has done the same recently just before our second is due. The big difference is he asked me first, and while he obviously would have been disappointed if I’d said no, I know 100% he wouldn’t have let me know or let me feel guilty about it. He wouldn’t have sulked or mentioned it again. That’s the difference. I said yes because I know that if a game comes around and I need him to be at home, he won’t go. But he is also really great about giving me time away from baby (encourages me to do it more than I do), and I know how good it is for him mentally to get out with his friends on these occasions.

So for me the key thing your DH needs to realise is that he just should have asked. It’s so inconsiderate to have gone ahead without speaking to you and also quite a concerning indication of his attitude to the balance of parenting. And therefore you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Roodicus21 · 27/07/2021 11:42

I would not be ok with this. It's an expensive outlay which only works out if you attend a lot of matches, which means if he doesn't then it's wasteful. Second I wouldn't be happy with my dh going to a match weekly (twice sometimes?) if it was an all day affair and not just a few hours on a Saturday. When I was expecting my dh gave up his competitive 'hobby' (I didn't ask him) but it was 2 nights per week training (plus travel time- 4 hours each night) and all day Saturday for competitions. I wouldn't have been happy with that set up and and it would've left no time for other things. He still does hobby but not competitively.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/07/2021 11:42

Mine did exactly that recently (though without the imminent baby) I was just pissed off that he spent that much without talking to me. (We can spend what we like, but this tips into “discussion” money.) additionally we live two hours from the team in our home town, so night matches he will be going there, weekend matches there will be the expectation of me going down and spending the weekend with his bil and sil. In your shoes I’d be well pissed off.

KarenofSparta · 27/07/2021 11:43

@MiddleParking

Weird responses

obviously it’s completely unreasonable of him, and he knows that himself - that’s why he didn’t discuss it with you.

Totally weird responses

He's taking the piss OP.

Original poster

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 11:44

Before I got pregnant we never went out as an couple or if we did I had to force him, and while I’ve been pregnant we’ve only gone out once for an meal and that was because it was our anniversary so it had to have an reason behind it for us to spend time together but when his dad asked him if he wants to go for an drink but it’s usually more he’s all up for it when I asked if we can go for an meal or go somewhere he’s like I dunno or no or I just wanna chill out

OP posts:

fromdownwest · 27/07/2021 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

grapewine · 27/07/2021 11:45

@araiwa

I'd see the amount of hours he works as creating a bigger problem than a football match once a fortnight. He'd be better off dumping the pub job

Agree with this.

RedHelenB · 27/07/2021 11:46

What sort of things did you discuss before you decided to have a baby together, re finances, who would stay at home with baby etc etc? If you didn't discuss anything then how much time a baby takes up might not have registered.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 11:46

How old are you both op? He sounds very young and immature. And to be honest not fully on board wirh having a child.

NiceTwin · 27/07/2021 11:48

The newborn baby stage is the easiest.
Maybe approach it differently and ask that he doesn't do the same next year, when baby will be mobile and harder work and just suck it up for this year.

Amdone123 · 27/07/2021 11:48

He should have discussed buying the ticket with you. I don't care whose money it is. You're a team. Or supposed to be.
Also, you should be able to tell him how you feel without it escalating into an argument. He should listen not make you out to be the bad guy.
He's a selfish prick. See how things go when baby is here but if he's not pulling his weight, move on. My fear would be that since you may be doing all the childcare, he won't have a clue and like so many men on here, will not be able to do it.
Keep that friend. You're going to need her.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 11:48

Op is 1999 your date of birth? Is he the same age as you? Was the baby planned ans agreed and do you live together, as in have your own home, not live in someone else’s?

TerritorialPissings · 27/07/2021 11:49

I agree with those saying it’s not OK. It’s also the inflexibility of it all…knowing that every other weekend you cannot plan anything with the family. For people saying it’s only a couple of hours, that doesn’t factor in travelling to and from the match etc. It takes far more than the length of the match itself.

I had severe PND after my first was born and my husband did stop playing football on weekends eventually as I nearly had a breakdown being sole caregiver all week and then having to do a bulk of the weekend too. It didn’t happen without a fight, but he looks back now and fully understands.

Original poster

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 11:50

@RedHelenB

We made an saving account for our baby, for in case of emergencies for when the baby we always said i would reduce my hours if I have to because he’s earns more than me and that i would stay at home with the baby for 9 months but he said he would have taken over on the weekends or when he came home from work but now I can’t see that happening

OP posts:

Original poster

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 11:51

@Bluntness100

How old are you both op? He sounds very young and immature. And to be honest not fully on board wirh having a child.

We’re both 21, we’re 22 in an couple of months

OP posts:

TerritorialPissings · 27/07/2021 11:51

@NiceTwin

The newborn baby stage is the easiest. Maybe approach it differently and ask that he doesn't do the same next year, when baby will be mobile and harder work and just suck it up for this year.

I couldn’t disagree more. I found it awful. It can be lonely, boring and relentless. The change from doing exactly as I pleased to having a newborn absolutely floored me, and being on my own on weekends as well as during the week filled me with dread.

Lillygolightly · 27/07/2021 11:52

Basically he is continuing and planning his life as if he isn’t about to become a father and have a baby at all. This indicates to me that he plans to just carry on his Merry way while he leaves you to do all the heavy lifting and childcare and he’ll have a cursory cuddle and if your lucky may change the odd nappy.

This is not a man who plans to be a hands on and involved father or a supportive partner.

In your shoes I would give some serious thought to life ahead and if you want to stay with him, especially whilst he walks all over you and leave you to do everything. Why should he get to live life as if nothing has changed and get the luxury of being a father without any of the actual work of parenting? Why should he get to have a family, whilst not making any tangible effort to be a family man and support his partner and child?

Think long and hard about letting him have all of the benefits whilst not doing any of the work, because if you do you’ll end up with a deep and burning resentment of him and everything about him. Don’t let him tell you that his contribution is financial either, he’d be working and earning money baby or not right? Baby needs a father not a bank.

HappyWipings · 27/07/2021 11:52

I wonder how many women buy a season ticket that begins around the same time as the birth of their child.

WeeWelshWoman · 27/07/2021 11:52

Tbh, sounds like you'll be parenting alone. Best to get out of the relationship now. File claim with child support and look after yourself.

Wingedharpy · 27/07/2021 11:52

So, you not featuring as any sort of priority in his life is not new.
Why did you choose this specimen to be the father of your child?

LBOCS2 · 27/07/2021 11:53

It's not ok. It's a massive time commitment on top of the time he's already working - which is a lot, and not compromising in order for you to have any down time either. I would be seriously considering my position in this, he's completely ignoring your needs and making assumptions about how you'll be spending your time.

FWIW, DH has been on the waiting list for his team for three years and an opportunity came up for him to get a season ticket recently. We discussed it (I was neutral about the money - we can afford it - but less so about the time). We have DC of 14, 8 and 5 and he agreed that at this point it wasn't the right time for him to take the opportunity; we assumed it would be another couple of years before he got one and when it does come up in a couple of years I'm sure he'll go for it. But it was a family decision.

Youdiditanyway · 27/07/2021 11:54

Completely selfish. He has done this without even considering your feelings at all, I hope it doesn’t become a common theme throughout your child’s life.

RevolvingPivot · 27/07/2021 11:54

My husband was in Afghanistan when our first was born.

Limeinthacoconut · 27/07/2021 11:54

@NiceTwin

The newborn baby stage is the easiest. Maybe approach it differently and ask that he doesn't do the same next year, when baby will be mobile and harder work and just suck it up for this year.

Are you serious! The newborn stage is a nightmare and you definitely need support. It’s draining and mum never gets a minute to be herself, especially if you’re bf. I think he should have waited until the baby was here and both of you made a judgement call on this after a few weeks. Yes, everyone deserves a social life but for many it’s a shock when a baby arrives and you need to work as a team, not swanning off every weekend.

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