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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Partner has brought an season ticket without asking me how i feel, and I’m due to have our baby boy in august

242 replies

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 10:49

Hi all,

I don’t know if I’m being reasonable, my partner went out and brought his first ever season ticket yesterday, but he never once asked me about how I felt about him getting one he automatically did it while I asked him before I do stuff. I’m due to have our little boy in august when the seasons starts, which makes things even worst. I’ll be looking after him all day when he’s working and I feel like I’m going to be constantly looking after our son all the time and I won’t get that time to myself which he can clearly get. He doesn’t seem to understand how I’m feeling about it all and when I try and tell him I’m the bad guy. I don’t mind him getting one but thought he could have at least waiting an few years for when our son was abit older. Because just before my due date there is two matches and I told him when I’m getting close I don’t want him to really go out and he’s determining to go to the matches. I generally constantly Feels like he’s putting his needs and wants before his unborn son

OP posts:

Makegoodchoices · 27/07/2021 11:55

From your last update it sounds like he’s been consistently selfish throughout your relationship. Therefore he won’t change willingly.

So the question is, what do you want to do about that? Accept it as your life, talk to him about your expectations (may make no difference) or cut your losses with the relationship?

Marguerite2000 · 27/07/2021 11:56

@Firsttimemum1999

Before I got pregnant we never went out as an couple or if we did I had to force him, and while I’ve been pregnant we’ve only gone out once for an meal and that was because it was our anniversary so it had to have an reason behind it for us to spend time together but when his dad asked him if he wants to go for an drink but it’s usually more he’s all up for it when I asked if we can go for an meal or go somewhere he’s like I dunno or no or I just wanna chill out

I don't want to upset you, OP, but I don't think he's really committed to you and your relationship. I don't think he really wants to have a family, to be honest. Finding new things to do outside the home is a sign of that.

icedcoffees · 27/07/2021 11:58

We’re both 21, we’re 22 in an couple of months

Frankly, most 21 year olds are pretty selfish and immature - but he's about to become a parent so he needs to buck up and fast.

I suspect he's burying his head in the sand a little bit about the reality of being a parent as well. Things may change once he's faced with sleepless nights, a screaming baby and an exhausted partner.

Maggiesfarm · 27/07/2021 11:58

If nothing else, your man is certainly a hard worker!

I do sympathise with you but I feel it won't be nearly as bad as you anticipate.

Also when your baby arrives, he may want to be as fully engaged as he can, dads often are. Yes we all know some who are not but plenty are. Some seem to need two or three weeks before it hits them, others are great from the start.

As your partner is a grafter, as well as loving your baby he may see having a child as a great job, something to work at and achieve.

We live in hope, op. What's done is done.

BrilliantBetty · 27/07/2021 11:59

OP completely understand how you feel. Been there myself. My DH bought season ticket, it costs over £1500 a year and means he is often at matches.

It has caused a lot of fall outs because I don't have a spare £1.5k a year to do what I like with, if I took that amount out for my own pleasure yearly we'd have very little in the family holiday fund. Yes it has also meant I undertake yet more childcare, even when he is off work. His hobbies always seem to be a priority!! His career has already been put before my own. It is selfish and I hate that my DH does this. I don't take every other Saturday for myself as I also value family time, and we wouldn't get much if I did that.

YANBU, it's a big time commitment and can be expensive so you should have been consulted at least.

QueeniesCroft · 27/07/2021 11:59

@Demelza82

Season tickets are expensive, not to mention the added cost of transport/parking/'refreshments' so YANBU

However, the mention of needing 'you time' as opposed to be worried about losing family time is

It's perfectly reasonable to anticipate the need for "time off" (as the partner has, apparently). Lots of women feel that time alone to recharge is vital. It isn't selfish for the OP to not think only in terms of The Family, she has needs as well.

Sirzy · 27/07/2021 12:00

He should have spoken to you before but there is no reason you can’t make it work so you get time too

Lockheart · 27/07/2021 12:01

How long have you been together? Was the baby planned? Did you and he want to have the child? What is your living situation?

I have to be honest and say that this doesn't sound like an established or committed or particularly mature relationship. I'm afraid I think you need to plan for being a single parent - I suspect relying on your boyfriend is not going to be an option. I agree with other posts that he doesn't seem to be committed to your or the baby.

Original poster

Firsttimemum1999 · 27/07/2021 12:05

@Bluntness100

Op is 1999 your date of birth? Is he the same age as you? Was the baby planned ans agreed and do you live together, as in have your own home, not live in someone else’s?

Yes we was both born in 1999, he’s two days younger than me, the baby wasn’t planned but we both agreed to do everything together for the baby and be there for each other and no we live with his parents until we can afford our own place

OP posts:

gnushoes · 27/07/2021 12:08

did he want this baby?

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/07/2021 12:11

So you haven't got everything fir the baby as you can't afford it but he's spent the money on a season ticket?

If he's not working he's either going to go do a secind job or go see a football match.

No doubt he will " be all hot/smelly " when he gets back.from work.so will need a shower first befire he can " help you out" and hold the baby while u pee.....

Yeah he's not planning on being around much he's acting like a single guy already.

I think you have a serious problem.here op.

ivykaty44 · 27/07/2021 12:12

I think your problem is your future father to be doesn’t think his life will change when his baby is born

He had made himself skint by purchasing a luxury item at the expense of his baby needing equipment

Sound like the father to be needs a good talking to be someone he respects as to his obligation of making a baby

Anyone that can chat to him about being a selfish dick?

Mindymomo · 27/07/2021 12:13

I do sympathise with you. Your husband may change once the baby is here and not want to go out so much, my husband did. I would be more concerned about his working late at a pub at weekends and not getting back till late. Babies need routine and you will not want him waking baby up when he gets in late.

SpindleWhorl · 27/07/2021 12:13

I thought it should be my partner responsibility for me to have that time

Unfortunately you've picked a guy who doesn't think these rules apply to him.

You're in a really difficult position here, OP, with this relationship. Could you go back to your own family if it all gets too much?

It's going to get pretty stressful cooped up with a baby and a drunk or absent boyfriend at his parents' house, with little money.

Mistyplanet · 27/07/2021 12:14

OP it does seem selfish of him. However you're one month away from giving birth (or less) so theres no point stressing about it now. Just focus on you and the baby and see what happens once the baby is born. Good luck. And enjoy the time with your newborn baby.

DrManhattan · 27/07/2021 12:14

Feel bad that you are having a kid with such a loser

starfishmummy · 27/07/2021 12:16

Too late for this one, but unless he changes his ideas when baby arrives, in your shoes I'd be making darn sure that this will be an only child.

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/07/2021 12:17

Shes just found out she's got 2 kids not just one, it's a bit patronising to say she shouldn't stress about it now.

Having a plan for if you have to stay over at hospital a while or have a c section so will be in need of extra support etc doesn't seem to have crossed his mind ajd he's already planned and paid fir his "escape"

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2021 12:17

Oh OP. He doesn’t give any shits and you’re going to be looking after this baby on your own. I’m sorry.

wingingit987 · 27/07/2021 12:18

Your not over reacting. This is not on!

Satlie2019 · 27/07/2021 12:18

OP I think maybe he doesn't realise how much work having a child will be and how much support you might need. Does he have an older relative he is close to who could maybe talk to him (not if he would see this as you going behind his back though of course I just wondered if he is just being unrealistic). Of course some babies are easier than others, but you will still want family time. My DH and I were nearly 40 when our first baby was born earlier this year, most of our friends already have children, and even then we were both shocked by how much work looking after our tiny person was.

My DH is normally super supportive, but I have had to be really clear with him about my need for support, as he is not at home with our baby all day so does not realise how tough it is. I encourage him to still see his friends and go to his 5 aside football, but ask him to spend time with us also, come back not too late in the evening from seeing his friends, take the baby for a walk to give me a break ect (we are breastfeeding and out baby now refuses a bottle so he can't take the baby for long). I think you do need to be clear to your partner that you will need to work as a team to look after the baby and that during the day when he is at work you will be working really hard looking after the baby, so you will need a break. I know sometimes you can sell some of the games from season tickets onto other supporters. Maybe he could do this (so he attends some home games but spends other games at home or elsewhere with you). Also when he attends the home games maybe be clear if he is going to go out after the game or come straight back. My DH and I never worried about this kind of thing of course before the baby, but now I find it is important to know when he will be around. Obvisouly personal preference, but for me this has been important.

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2021 12:19

@NiceTwin Without even a hint of sarcasm! Unreal

MrsWarleggan · 27/07/2021 12:21

I have this DH. He has had a season ticket for a number of years now. When I was due he paid extra for the car park at the ground so if I went into labour he could shoot straight off.

It's not the season ticket that bothers me, its the beer he associates it with that does and that isn't cheap. We are having to increase the childminder by an extra day which is going to cost an extra £250 a month which he is going to have to pay for (I pay the rest AND eldest DD breakfast club/after school club) out of my wages and he made the mistake of saying "God, I can't afford this what with the football starting up next month". The look I shot him told him all he needed to know. The fact that he thinks paying for football is more important than his kid fucked me off majorly.

Hasten to add I am a football fan, and have loved having it on the TV every day when the season kicked off again last year, but having no fans allowed in has been bliss the past year and a bit!!

RedHelenB · 27/07/2021 12:23

I think realistically your relationship is not the strongest, and an unplanned baby is only going to put more strain on it. Concentrate on being the best mother you can, you can't make someone step up, it will just frustrate you.

Sirzy · 27/07/2021 12:23

Having read the posts it doesn’t sound like you have a relationship. Hand on heart if you weren’t pregnant do you think you would still be with him?

I know it’s tough but I think you need to do some serious thinking about what’s best for you and the baby

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