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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not giving my friend a lift home?

406 replies

Acey68 · 26/07/2021 20:05

My friend and I were at a mutual friends house to watch the WC final. I drove as I don't live too close (30 mins drive or so). My other friend lives a 15 minute bus ride away in the opposite direction to me and caught the bus there. She doesn't drive and planned to get an Uber home back to hers at the end of the night.
When the game finished and she attempted to get a taxi she noticed that the surcharge meant the taxi fare had doubled it's usual price. She asked me if I would mind giving her a lift home due to this, as she didn't want to pay the pricey taxi fare.
I said that I didn't really feel comfortable driving her home as I had 2 small glasses of wine over the course of the evening with a dinner, so was in that grey area where I was likely fine (felt fine) but for me I didn't want to spend longer in the car then I had to, just in case. She lives very centrally in the middle of a main high street with lots of pubs, bars and drunk people inevitably falling out of them and probably a higher police presence and traffic after the game and taking her home would have added 30 mins to my journey time.
I just wanted to get on the road and head back. I told her I would give her a lift to the bus stop and wait with her (once on the bus it takes her to her door in the middle of the high street she lives on, so no long walks) or offered to go halves on the taxi with her which she refused as she said the price was ridiculous and she wouldn't take my money for it.
She's been very off with me since and it came out the other day how disappointed with me, I am a selfish friend, she doesn't buy the excuse I gave, this shows I am only interested in myself and not helping others etc etc
As far as I see a lift is a favour not to be expected, and found myself having to justify why I didn't want to take her home. (She caught the bus in the end and it was fine)
We had a big fight and I'm upset and questioning myself now. AIBU?

OP posts:
WelliesandWine88 · 27/07/2021 22:03

I think driving after any amount of alcohol is terrible. There's never an excuse.

But her expectancy is shocking too. She's an adult and it's her own responsibility to get herself home. She can ask for the favour, of course, but not be annoyed etc...of told no.
We are responsible for ourselves.

momtoboys · 27/07/2021 22:11

That was a really bad excuse. If I felt I was OK to drive I would have driven my friend home, expensive Uber or not. I don't blame her for being off.

Theworldspinsonmyhead · 27/07/2021 22:43

You're a bad friend. 15 minutes on the bus must be 10 to drive max - a woman alone in the city with lots of drunk men. You wouldn't give your friend a bit of your time? I bet the Uber surge was huge, and I wouldn't have taken your pity money either that's just shaming her when it sounds like she could t afford it.

That's drinking aside

Which is bloody disgusting too.

ElleMac44 · 27/07/2021 22:50

1 you're drink driving and I wish you had got pulled over bcos you're selfish!
2 In this day and age of attacks on people, knife crime etc...... I wouldn't have even given it a thought to take my friend safely home. YBVVU on both accounts.

Opaljewel · 27/07/2021 22:56

If you don't know your limit of drinking when driving then I'm sorry op you shouldn't be drinking at all if planning to drive. If I do drive, not one drop goes past my lips. I could never live with myself if I did something. I think this thread has become more than what has happened with your friend. Don't take the chance again. Get a taxi yourself. As for your friend's situation, it's up to you whether you give her a lift or not. But don't use alcohol as an excuse. You were in the wrong to drink that much.

Opaljewel · 27/07/2021 22:58

Passed* sorry

Skysblue · 27/07/2021 23:00

Yanbu. If you’re tired / not driving quite as well as normal for whatever reason, I totally understand that you may be feeling confident to drive home on empty familiar roads, but not feel safe to drive in a town centre packed with drunk people. Drunk pedestrians are like an obstacle course and it’s scary to drive around them!

She isn’t being reasonable.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 23:03

I’m often the designated driver as I’m teetotal and also some friends don’t drive. I’ve driven friends long distance to holidays too.

OP is not BU. Her friend asked, OP said no, friend needs to accept OP’s decision in good grace.

Tessabelle74 · 27/07/2021 23:07

@Skysblue not feeling confident because you're tired is one thing, not feeling confident because you're too DRUNK to drive is quite another!

thelonghaul · 27/07/2021 23:09

YABU for drink driving.
And that excuse does you no favours. At all.

BloodyMaryplease · 27/07/2021 23:12

I planned what amount I could drink to be safe and under the limit and then had dinner on top of that and didn't drink 4 hours before driving.

So to your mind you were under the limit and ‘safe’ to drive, therefore the wine was just an excuse. If you’re going to object to the lift at least own it. Say you don’t want to go out of your way, full stop. Nothing to do with the wine really was it.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 27/07/2021 23:17

You're either safe to drive or you're not.

Either don't drive yourself home because you are worried about the 'grey area' or drive yourself home because you feel sure you're under the limit, but at least have the balls to say you don't really want to go out of your way to give her a lift home. The two are independent in my mind.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 23:19

@BloodyMaryplease

I planned what amount I could drink to be safe and under the limit and then had dinner on top of that and didn't drink 4 hours before driving.

So to your mind you were under the limit and ‘safe’ to drive, therefore the wine was just an excuse. If you’re going to object to the lift at least own it. Say you don’t want to go out of your way, full stop. Nothing to do with the wine really was it.

OP just wanted to get home and not battle a busy high street with pubs.
Frazzledmummy123 · 27/07/2021 23:26

tallduckandhandsome yes in case the police caught her drinking and driving Hmm

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 23:32

I’m teetotal so wouldn’t drink and drive, but the views seem to be very binary here, people saying either OP shouldn’t have been driving at all or she should have dropped her friend.

Let’s say we trust the OP was under the limit, it doesn’t follow she should have dropped friend home. No one is entitled to a lift and no one should be made to feel bad for politely refusing (and offering half the taxi fare!).

SGBK4862 · 27/07/2021 23:33

Your excuse was rubbish and you are irresponsible to drive drunk. You could have killed yourself or others, never mind be stopped by the police.

And yes I'd be ashamed not to offer a friend a lift in that situation (as long as I wasn't over the limit). And if I asked for one, thinking it would be no bother to you, your response would have made me feel differently about you, whether I let you know it or not (most probably not).

melj1213 · 27/07/2021 23:38

OP just wanted to get home and not battle a busy high street with pubs.

Then she should have said that - I live in my town centre and even though I don't live on the high street I live right next to a street that has a lot of bars as well as the central bus terminus (my flat to the bus stops takes literally 1 minute to walk but late at night there will be drunk people hanging around the area. I can deal with them but if a friend is able to drop me at my door and bypass them entirely then I won't turn them down)

If I knew a friend was driving and there were no available taxis then I might ask for a lift, with getting the bus home as a Plan B (perfectly doable but under the circumstances wasn't the first choice especially if there was a chance it was full of drunk people going home).

If a friend said "Sorry, I'm tired so I really don't want to be driving out of my way into town especially with how busy it will be and potentially getting stuck in the kicking out traffic - I will drive and wait with you at the bus stop though" then I would be 100% fine with that.

If she said "Sorry, I'm too drunk to drive you home as well as drive myself home" then I would think it was so obviously a made up excuse that I would feel offended that she thought such a bullshit excuse was better than being straight with me that she didn't want to drive into town.

telvg · 27/07/2021 23:40

Pay it forward. You do something good for your friend, they do something good for someone else. Have you never, in your life had a lift from someone. If I drive, I give my friends lifts home all over the place. They are my friends. Why wouldn’t I?

Frazzledmummy123 · 27/07/2021 23:47

@tallduckandhandsome

I’m teetotal so wouldn’t drink and drive, but the views seem to be very binary here, people saying either OP shouldn’t have been driving at all or she should have dropped her friend.

Let’s say we trust the OP was under the limit, it doesn’t follow she should have dropped friend home. No one is entitled to a lift and no one should be made to feel bad for politely refusing (and offering half the taxi fare!).

I agree that drinking aside, she shouldn't have had to give a lift and she did offer to split a taxi so on that part, she isn't being unreasonable. However, a lot of people are saying about the fact she was drinking because she felt she was ok to drive but just not be too long in the car or around where a lot of people and cops, etc are. So therefore she wasn't totally sure she was ok to drive yet to get herself home she could, and she used drinking as the reason so I can see her friend's perspective on this.

However, it probably isn't something they should fall out over. Both have a right to be pissed off, op for feeling expected to give lifts and her friend for the reason given.

DumpedByText · 28/07/2021 00:11

You drank two glasses of wine, you weren't sure if you might be over the limit, yet still drove. You should be ashamed of yourself, plus you're a shit friend for not being willing to put yourself out for 30 minutes!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 28/07/2021 00:21

@maxineputyourredshoeson

Honestly for me, regardless of where she lives YWBU to use alcohol as an excuse you were either below the limit and safe to drive or you weren’t, for me no grey area.
My thoughts exactly. If you didn’t feel safe to drive then you should not have been driving. If you had been drinking then you should not have been drinking. I think you are unreasonable for that reason and should be ashamed of yourself.
Rubyupbeat · 28/07/2021 02:56

Yabdisgusting drink driving
Awful!

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 28/07/2021 03:14

You should have been the one who asked for a lift and offered to split the cost of the uber. Its disgusting to drink and drive. It really should be against the law to have any alcohol and then drive. Zero tolerance.

HairyPottyMouth · 28/07/2021 10:18

Either drink OR drive. YABU, but so is she for assuming you would drive her home.

ThatsSoFetch · 28/07/2021 10:30

You shouldn’t have been driving in the first place! As someone who has severe spinal injuries from being hit by a (pregnant!) drink driver I’m absolutely astounded - clearly you only refused to give her a lift home in case you got pulled by police. Wow. What if you had injured/killed someone as a result of your own selfish stupidity?!