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Original poster

Blended Families

184 replies

ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 01:33

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

OP posts:
TreeSmuggler · 26/07/2021 01:49

I agree with you but I suppose the counterpoint would be, does any family totally work? Every family has issues and problems.

Its like saying marriages are hard, so stay single. But being single isn't easy either. Life isn't perfect.

WorraLiberty · 26/07/2021 01:52

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

Possibly because people only start threads/post when they have problems?

No-one is really going to start a boring, mundane thread telling everyone how their blended family life is ticking along just fine.

It's the same as marriages/long term relationships on here. You'd be forgiven for thinking they're all shit if you're only going to go by people who post about them.

Original poster
ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 02:22

Maybe Worra, but I've never really seen it work in RL either.

I've only experienced it personally on the far edge with a new wife of my dad when I was already an adult. It's not been a happy melding despite my best efforts. I've seen so many bad scenarios personally and read about so many more. It just always seems fucking problematic.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 02:31

And actually my wider family does work. There's five siblings and the only constant thorn in our side is my Dad's wife. We all love our youngest brother (the blender), and have a relationship with him and our father, despite his mother's best efforts.

It's painful though.

I don't do bollockry.

OP posts:
whatsthpoint · 26/07/2021 03:04

There's been a few threads over the years where adults who were children when blended say that it didn't work for them, but their parent would have said it was all perfect. I guess people want to live with their partner so much they get a bit blind. I have young teens and even if I found the absolute love of my life I wouldn't move him in. Not ever, probably, but certainly not while my kids live here. I just can't get past that for the kids, a group of people they don't know/didn't choose now live in their safe space which is home.

EccentricaGalumbits · 26/07/2021 03:05

It sounds like you're influenced by your own experiences, which is fair enough.

I'm a lone parent and wouldn't 'blend' with another man or family in a pink fit, but that's based on my and my kids' situation and I wouldn't dream of telling other people what they should do.

Some of the step parenting problems you see posted on here are painfully predictable, though.

Original poster
ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 03:13

I think that's the thing @whatsthpoint, isn't it? It's always the adult's choice. And everyone else has to go along with it. Because they have a new lover.

And children really don't want that. They just want their parent, and their parent gets diluted. And we as society have to see that as 'good'.

I don't think it's good though. It's always shit for children of the first relationship. Their parental relationship gets made a little bit less, they're shoved to the back a bit.

And that's terrible for a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 03:17

Yes, I guess that was my experience in some ways @EccentricaGalumbits, my other brother was a lot younger when my Dad left and he came to me weekly for pizza, video games and consistency. It was very shit for him.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 26/07/2021 03:41

It was the opposite for us.

Ex DH was violent and abusive to me and dc, who he then abandoned. DP has taken them on as his own and is the only real father they have ever known. If we hadnt blended they would have never known a good male role model.

We didnt have children of our own though and he hasnt any biologically which makes a huge difference. Imo the problems start when a man marries again and the step mum wants her own dc and resents the children of the first marriage. She then also discovers hes useless as a father. It's always the same.

Original poster
ShrikeAttack · 26/07/2021 03:54

I'm not going to disagree with any of that @Willyoujustbequiet . I wouldn't call your situation a blended family though.

And my father was and is very good Dad to all of his children. The blending of a new family, when a new woman with HER child/ren always leaves a father diminished. It's a fact really. I've not seen a situation where this doesn't play out this way.

And that goes for women too, when they have children with a new man that they live with. The previous children are not primary in their own mother's house.

OP posts:
Harriedharriet · 26/07/2021 03:56

I agree OP. In my 50 odd years I have met very few who had a good blended family experience.

My parents split, a very bitter split at that. About the only good thing they did was not move anyone else into the family. It just kept a layer of difficulty away from us as children I think.

HerrenaHarridan · 26/07/2021 04:21

I’ve seen it really work but it’s rare

I don’t do step parents

Sometimes liking to get genital to genital with me does not infer authority over my kid

A lot of relationships have ended at this boundary

I think it’s for the best.

You can have a relationship with my kid, build whatever you can sustain, the more people children have in their lives investing in them the better... no new lover will ever be allowed to view themselves as her parent

BootsScootsAndToots · 26/07/2021 04:23

@Willyoujustbequiet

It was the opposite for us.

Ex DH was violent and abusive to me and dc, who he then abandoned. DP has taken them on as his own and is the only real father they have ever known. If we hadnt blended they would have never known a good male role model.

We didnt have children of our own though and he hasnt any biologically which makes a huge difference. Imo the problems start when a man marries again and the step mum wants her own dc and resents the children of the first marriage. She then also discovers hes useless as a father. It's always the same.

That's not a blended family though.

And as it was, no DC together or DP DC it worked.

In my experience of friends and family trying to blend, it doesn't work and it's the adults that won't give up or call it correctly.

Blackhawkdown2020 · 26/07/2021 05:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SheABitSpicyToday · 26/07/2021 05:57

My husband has raised my child and she calls him daddy. We have our first together due in a few months. In all honesty our life is perfect.

CiaoForNiao · 26/07/2021 06:03

It can work. My family works. I have a step Mum and a step Dad. I have brothers and step siblings. I have nieces, nephews and step nieces and nephews. I don't refer to them as step though. We are just family.
I mean, sure there have been issues, and sometimes it feels like one sibling might be getting more than another. But tbh I feel that about my bio siblings as much as my step siblings so it isn't a blended family thing.

Having said that a man would have to really special for me to consider blending families because I've seen how shit it's been for my dc having a blended family on their dads side. I wouldn't want to put them (or potential sc) through that.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 26/07/2021 06:22

IME blended families that work are the exception. I certainly would never do it. If anything happened to DH I would either stay single or only have pretty casual relationships where we lived apart.

I do have very strong opinions however as my personal experience of blended families was epically awful and has left me with lifelong damage. Appreciate mine was particularly bad but it is always a risk and I would never take that risk with my DS.

Iwastheparanoidex · 26/07/2021 06:30

I am also In my 50s

My ex remarried and my kids have step siblings. No joint kids.

It has been awful for them. Really truly awful. Partly Because their dad insisted she was their mum equal to me. And they should all spend time together as one family unit even though none of the kids particularly wanted to.

I, on the other hand, have only recently started dating now the youngest is at university because they didn’t need any more shit in their lives.

I would never date a man with kids still at home. No way.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/07/2021 06:31

YANBU. I'm sure it can work but I think it's a rarity. I'm divorced and will never live with another man.

rosegoldivy · 26/07/2021 06:53

Ours works. One DSD13 and 3 kids of our own, (dd3 and 10 week old twins)
I'm friends with DH ex and she was on my hen do and at our wedding.
We all coparent well and all get along for the most part.
DSD adored her brother and sisters and loves being here as well as at her mum's

rosegoldivy · 26/07/2021 06:54

*adores

Fernando072020 · 26/07/2021 22:41

I worked with someone ten years ago who had split from her partner and father of her two kids. She told me that she would never have kids with another man, or get together with someone with kids because she never wanted to risk her kids being unhappy with a step family or if some of her kids had a good dad and the others had a shit dad, she couldn't live with that.
I was 21 at the time, and didn't think much of it cause I was in the partying, about to go study abroad phase of life. But I'm 32 now and it really does make a lot of sense to me and I know I'd do the same if I ever divorced my husband now I have Ds.

TrainspottingWelsh · 26/07/2021 23:13

Dp and I have one biological child each, but we think of both of them as our own dc. Dsd's mother was a part of her life and is still alive and well, but I'm her mum in every true sense. It wouldn't make a very interesting thread.
I have a friend that grew up happily in a similar set up to us. And friends and wider family with more typical shared care arrangements that also work extremely well.
None of which make for particularly exciting discussion.

Ime the issues occur either when the first child is fucked over emotionally or financially for the benefit of a second family, when it's been done too quickly, or when finances/ time/ parenting styles etc are clearly going to cause problems but the adults plough on regardless.

EeeppP · 26/07/2021 23:36

In my limited experience, I'm glad I got a step-mother and two step-sisters when my father remarried. SM since divorced him (and he since died), and I much prefer her to him and my birth mother. I also much prefer my SS to my bio siblings.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 26/07/2021 23:41

Yeah I'm a lone parent. Just me and DS and I just couldn't blend. To be honest I don't even want to bring a man in to the situation even if he had no children of his own.

We're happy as our little double act.

My fears would be;

the relationship breaking down and DS experiencing loss once again.

Biological mother of step children and constantly worrying I may or may not be stepping on her toes.

Children's general attitudes towards step parent.

Basically it's not worth it. I'm haply to date and what not but I'll never have another relationship or introduce DS to anyone. It's just not for me/us.