Blended Families

[ShrikeAttack]

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

[quote SteakChips]@ShrikeAttack I actually had to google what a "Blended Family" is and this phrase is new to me.

After hearing the definition this is what I'm in. I can honestly say I'm enjoying it. Ive gain two wonderful step sons and they have gain a half brother, who their adore and help out. My step sons respect me and there father and is supportive of the family unit.

Also surely this covers all types of family - whether they get on or not. My own family growing up had its struggles no different to a blended one.[/quote]
I would disagree with that. Your blended family may have had just very similar issues to your own family growing up. But I don't think that's the norm.

In a blended family there are extra issues and there's no point pretending they are there.

So if the kids from each side have had different upbringing, it's extremely hard to blend

Or if an ex turns nasty, it can cause issues with the kids and in the relationship.

There can be resentment from the kids who don't live their full time towards the kids that live their full time. Or towards new half siblings who get to live with their own parents.

While I think blended families can work. I don't see the benefit in pretending, it hold no further challenges

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. Say for example biological dad doesn't see the kids and they grow up being raised by their step dad. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

Saying that the only example of a blended family in my own wider family works really really well (and both bio parents are around and involved!).

I also have a step dad who I think is great and I have an awesome relationship with him. He's never tried to parent me though and I think that's the key. I've never felt uncomfortable or unwanted around him and he's a brilliant grandad to my DC now. The woman who my Dad almost remarried though was not very nice to me at all and I'm glad that they never got that far!

Agree with @Question2149.

That’s why it works in my family, my eldest two don’t see their dad at all, he’s never even met my daughter, so they see DH as their dad, and he’s a great dad to them. However, if they saw their dad, and he possibly had a new partner, or if my dh had kids with an ex to consider, it would all be so much messier and more difficult.

Basically I think it can work but it takes effort from all of the adults not just the step parent. It takes effort from the ex, from the step parent and from the parent in the relationship.

@Katedanielshasakitty

While I do agree blended families are not always great. I don't get the 'children have no choice'.

Children never have a choice about who they have a relationship with or who they live with.

I get what you mean: I think the point is that in blended families the starting point is always the failure of a previous family. Even in the best case scenario a separation causes some pain and upheaval for children and they usually have to readjust to life with one parent.

In that situation if you turn around and present a brand new second family as a fait accompli which they just have to suck up they are understandably going to be wary and lacking in trust that this is going to be any more successful than the first. It's therefore imperative that they are allowed to develop trust (both of the new partner and the new partner's kids) at their own pace.

It does work, I think the thing is we're not all going to get on here talking about it when someone else is struggling.
If you knew me in rl, you wouldn't know my family was blended unless we were close. It just doesn't occur to me to explain our situation in detail to everyone I meet.

I get what you mean: I think the point is that in blended families the starting point is always the failure of a previous family. Even in the best case scenario a separation causes some pain and upheaval for children and they usually have to readjust to life with one parent.

In that situation if you turn around and present a brand new second family as a fait accompli which they just have to suck up they are understandably going to be wary and lacking in trust that this is going to be any more successful than the first. It's therefore imperative that they are allowed to develop trust (both of the new partner and the new partner's kids) at their own pace.

Oh I absolutely get that. My exh has made an attempt at blending 3 times. Last time with a woman who had 5 kids when he isn't that keen on kids to start with.

And I do think anyone in the situation needs to go slow and review the situation and really look at how kids are coping as they go.

Its just the sentence that 'the kids don't get a choice'. Doesn't make sense because kids don't choose any relationship or living situation. They don't even choose their own parents.

I definitely think kids need to be considered and, sometimes, aren't. But their lack of choice is really no different, to their lack of choice if they lived with both biological parents, iyswim.

Agree about absent parent making it easier. People simply don’t know that DH’s fabulous Dad started as his step-Dad and then adopted him (as in my DSiL had been dating DH’s half brother for three years before it came up in a conversation about birth stories). DH even forgets (tried to give the midwife his DDad’s genetic information at our booking in appointment until I pointed out it wasn’t relevant). But his bio Dad has been out of the picture since he was a small baby.

@Katedanielshasakitty Thank you for your opinion but I'm not pretending, we have a loving family. When we started out we had a conversation on how we wanted this to work etc. Yes, we have the odd row but that is in any normal family. If the mother to my step sons plays up my husband deals with it as it's not my place. All I can say it works for us and giving my experience as we are living the joint family life.

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. Say for example biological dad doesn't see the kids and they grow up being raised by their step dad. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

Totally agree with that 100%. One of my relatives is very happy in his blended family and I think it’s been made so much easier for him from the get go because his wife’s ex isn’t in the picture anymore. They function just as a nuclear family would and everyone is happy. 16 years and still going strong.

That situation is worlds away from a blended family where the ex is heavily involved and is a constant influence over everyone’s lives. Things just don’t run as smoothly.

I do think though that stepdads in general have an easier job than stepmums, and it’s those blended families that tend to be more successful. Probably because they are in a relationship with the mum, who is much more hands on with her children.

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

Well it's easier for the adults but what about the children who grow up without a relationship with their other parent?

@topwings

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

Well it's easier for the adults but what about the children who grow up without a relationship with their other parent?

I think you're misunderstanding my point, the children wouldn't have a relationship with their other biological parent regardless. But instead they do end up with a father / mother figure in the form of their step parent.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting getting rid of the ex to facilitate a blended family. My kids wouldn’t have a relationship with their dad either way, but a side effect is that it makes a blended family easier.

[quote SteakChips]@Katedanielshasakitty Thank you for your opinion but I'm not pretending, we have a loving family. When we started out we had a conversation on how we wanted this to work etc. Yes, we have the odd row but that is in any normal family. If the mother to my step sons plays up my husband deals with it as it's not my place. All I can say it works for us and giving my experience as we are living the joint family life. [/quote]
I didn't give an opinion on your family.

I gave an option on the fact that you think the issues are just the same for blended and non blended. In YOUR family, they may have been. But in most there are additional issues to deal with.

Odd that you assumed I was saying I don't believe that your family is great and its posed no issues for you. How would I even know that?

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

I think there's some truth in this. Might be sad for the children but much less tension to manage.

My DD is in sporadic contact with her biological dad: she sees him maybe once every three weeks to a month and won't ever do overnights etc. His choice as he won't/can't agree to a visit schedule. I notice that her relationship with my (non live in) boyfriend, who is far more reliable and more of a constant in her life than biodad, suffers after she's seen her father. While I don't think dad is actively bad-mouthing the boyfriend it tears my DD's loyalties.

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

In our family, all the parents are very much involved! The DC go back and forth between us and their other parents, they have step parents on both sides. But there is no ‘ex drama’ and no stepping on toes. Everyone is friendly and gets along fine. Maybe because we are all just normal, reasonable people who get along and want the best for our kids?

Agree, OP. I love my husband more than anything, but if I had known how hard blended families was going to be, I would have thought twice.

All too often people jump straight into ‘blended’ families at the expense of their own children, because they’re selfish.

I think its a bit more complex than that. A lot of it comes down to good old societal gender standards.

I've seen this happen a lot: there's a huge amount of pressure on women to be coupled and in families and often that over-rides what is actually best for their children. They are so focused on finding and keeping a man because society tells them that's what's best for them that they ignore the fact that in most cases they and their kids would do better as a family unit without foisting a man and his kids in.

And then they repeat to their kids like a mantra "we're going to be a family again". As if the word "family" magically makes everything better.

Men very often do it because they are lazy and want a domestic helpmeet.

I don't think this is true of all blended families by all means but I think quite a lot of the time people do it by default because they think they need to be part of a family for its own sake really.

Depressing really.

It shouldn't be called blending. Blending something makes it smooth.

I am a step mum, my dc are step children, I am also a step child on both sides. I get on well with my step dad, I don't get on with my step mum, she is an awful person and her insecurities ruined mine and my siblings relationship with my dad.

I was a 'step mum' when with my dc dad. We weren't married but exes eldest ds lived with us and his dd stayed every weekend. I loved our family life and ex was not a Disney dad, in fact he was the strict one and we were a team around all the dc. I got on well with his ex wife and we're still friends now. His dc had no loyalty binds or confusion where they belonged.

I'm now a legally binding through marriage step mum and it's hard work. My dss has two conflict ridden parents who fight about him. His mum drips poison in his ear about dh and me which translates into anxiety and controlling behaviour. Dh feels guilty and gives him decision making power which doesn't translate to a happy child. I find it extremely hard to deal with a child who's behaviour towards me is rude and resentful. I do feel like marriage was not the best decision for dss (things were totally fine before we got married) but we're here now and its finding a way to make sure dss is happy and secure along with the rest of us. I'm not going to leave my dh because of dss challenges but if I could turn back time I'd have put off marriage and living together until dss was older. I thought I'd be a great step mum, having experienced an awful one and played a step parenting role before successfully but it's not worked out that way.

Of course everything you read sounds bad - because people only post on here when they have difficulties! In the same way that everything you read on here about relationships is bad too. That doesn't mean all relationships are bad though 🤷‍♀️

@Confusedteacher

I think blended families tend to work best when one of the biological parents is not in the picture. There is no ex drama to contend with, no stepping on toes or what not. Much simpler.

In our family, all the parents are very much involved! The DC go back and forth between us and their other parents, they have step parents on both sides. But there is no ‘ex drama’ and no stepping on toes. Everyone is friendly and gets along fine. Maybe because we are all just normal, reasonable people who get along and want the best for our kids?

I'm sure that is the case. I said tend to not always.