Blended Families

[ShrikeAttack]

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

I’m in my mid-40s. I met my step-dad when I was 7 or 8, he has 2 children.

I’m not super-close to my step-siblings, but not very different to DH and his brother. Whenever we really need someone, the others are first in line, but we don’t chat in the phone weekly.

My step-dad is amazing, completely my non-bio dad. DS has always known that he isn’t my dad but he is totally his grandad. DSD held DS at just a few minutes old and they are very close.

Preparations are in place so everyone is treated fairly in our parents’ wills.

So, I think they can work.

I agree, we (me, sister, brother, mum) moved in with my stepdad and his two kids who are very similar ages when I was 14. It worked brilliantly, now I have four siblings and lots of nieces and nephews, who don't differentiate between who's a bio cousin and not, and neither do we. My relationship with my stepdad is far far better than with my dad, who I'm close to but infuriated by!

Ours works! I have 2 DC, he has 3. All very close in age ranging from 9 to 14. Been together 6 years, moved in together 2 years ago.

We’ve been lucky that they all get along, we introduced them slowly. Mine are with their dad EOW, his are here EOW and 2 nights in the week. My youngest and his youngest share a bedroom when she is here.

We both have civil relationships with our exes. We happily discipline each others’ children over minor everyday things (eg tidying up!) but we leave the big decisions to the biological parent (eg I’ll decide on DD’s curfew).

Works for us! Those people who say ‘if me and DH split up I’d never get together with someone else’ I say you absolutely have no idea what you would do until you are in that situation. Our kids are happy because we are happy. And on a practical note we can give them so much more in terms of a bigger house, holidays etc as a couple than either of us could when we were on our own. I have more energy and time for the DC because he is here to lend a hand.

I grew up with a single mum who never wanted to meet someone else. When I left home and went to uno I really worried about her- I wanted her to be happy and I don’t think she ever was.

Ours works from my perspective but I think if given the choice my DSC who are adults now would have preferred their parents stayed together initially. Everyone seems to have made the best of the new blended arrangements and we are all fairly cordial with exes and new partner etc. We can all be together for big family occasions and even the occasional family BBQ - and I mean everyone DH's Ex, her new DH, her parents, my MIL etc, my DSDs and their new half siblings on both sides.

There's lots of evidence showing how detrimental it is to both children dragged into a "blended family" and any new half siblings born in that situation as well, even if they have both of their own parents living with them while they grow up. Utter selfishness really on behalf of the parents and totally unnecessary to put kids through that who've already been through a family separation.

And on a practical note we can give them so much more in terms of a bigger house, holidays etc as a couple than either of us could when we were on our own. I have more energy and time for the DC because he is here to lend a hand.

Wow. It's perfectly possible to provide your children with a nice home and holidays etc without a man. How sexist and lame that you believe this is a good reason to be in a relationship!

I grew up with a single mum who never wanted to meet someone else. When I left home and went to uno I really worried about her- I wanted her to be happy and I don’t think she ever was.

Just because you think your mother wasn't happy as a single woman doesn't mean that can be extrapolated to all women. In fact, it's mainly women later in life instigating divorce these days! And evidence suggests that single women are the happiest group of women in society.

I voted yabu. Mainly because telling people they shouldn't do something is never going to work. I have seen blended families work.

But I do agree the odds aren't in their favour.

I do think it's a really bad idea to blend families when there's already back ground problems. Kids not happy or exs that cause trouble or a new partner not happy with how much is being paid to an ex.

Its sounds hypocritical. But when I was a single parent, I wouldn't date people with kids. I was also perfectly happy if someone didn't want to date me, because I had kids. I had always been clear, I wasn't having anymore. I had no interest in having anymore and I wanted to concentrate on my kids and getting them through the aftermath of a split. That bits takes a long time.

Just after the divorce was finalised, exh announced he was seeing someone. He introduced fast. I kept my nose out because it was obvious he had been seeing her a while. 12 weeks later he moved in with her and her 2 kids. And my kids were expected to refer to these kids are their brothers. It lasted 4 months, with exh announcing it just wasn't for him

Dd, who was 12 by this point. Absolutely refused to meet the next woman. And hasn't really stayed at his house since. Exh has been engaged twice since then. Ds, had also recently stopped going as much.

My, now dp, does live with us. We took it slow, introduced him slowly. He has no kids. Though he does have an adult step son from his marriage. They are still close.

This has worked for us. One of my favourite things about dp is that when one of the kids is moody, he can calmly tell them it's not ok to be rude. But then let it go and they are laughing and joking with him 5 mins later. He tries not to take their dad's place, but (given their dad has basically checked out) tries to be someone they can talk to that's not me. He is happy for them to take the lead on what type of relationship they have with him.

But I can Absolutely say that if it got any whiff that it wasn't working for one of the kids, we would split. I am the higher earner and we live in my house. I actually enjoy being single. I just wanted to be with dp more than I liked being single.

I can (financially & emotionally) go back to being single. To the above poster who thinks their mum was never happy, that doesn't mean a relationship would have made her happy.

I won't ever get married again and do thing very carefully and pragmatically about these decisions. I had some pity thrown my way yesterday on a thread because I clearly think about relationships with my head too much and don't follow my heart enough.

So from my own situation I would say blended families hasn't worked out for my kids. My daughter, is already very against ever dating someone with kids. It's really left a mark on her.

@Confusedteacher

Ours works! I have 2 DC, he has 3. All very close in age ranging from 9 to 14. Been together 6 years, moved in together 2 years ago.

We’ve been lucky that they all get along, we introduced them slowly. Mine are with their dad EOW, his are here EOW and 2 nights in the week. My youngest and his youngest share a bedroom when she is here.

We both have civil relationships with our exes. We happily discipline each others’ children over minor everyday things (eg tidying up!) but we leave the big decisions to the biological parent (eg I’ll decide on DD’s curfew).

Works for us! Those people who say ‘if me and DH split up I’d never get together with someone else’ I say you absolutely have no idea what you would do until you are in that situation. Our kids are happy because we are happy. And on a practical note we can give them so much more in terms of a bigger house, holidays etc as a couple than either of us could when we were on our own. I have more energy and time for the DC because he is here to lend a hand.

I grew up with a single mum who never wanted to meet someone else. When I left home and went to uno I really worried about her- I wanted her to be happy and I don’t think she ever was.

I've been divorced for 7 years and don't want another relationship. I'm perfectly happy, I think the idea that you need a relationship to be happy is pretty pathetic to be honest!

We're going to end up with so many kids in therapy because of these situations.
I am no longer with the father of my children, and I won't live with another man while my children are still living at home with me. They are my priority.

I’ve been single apart from casual dating and a FWB for absolutely a lifetime.

I’m perfectly happy.

I’m now dating, but I’ll never marry nor will I live with someone in a joint house. I will always always have my own house. I won’t put myself at risk.

I have 2 friends who have blended families and honestly everyone seems fairly happy. The kids all get on well and have gained siblings.
They didn't really 'choose' this though - their DHs in both cases had affairs and their new partners also were separated with children.

I agree that it is much more difficult and fraught than people would have you believe.

I think the critical factor is time -- ie taking plenty of it and doing the "blending" at the children's pace and not that of the partners. Rushing a new partner and their children in is more or less asking for the children to resent them.

I think children can and usually will come around to the new step family as long as they feel they have some agency in the process and are not having it foisted on them. And that they have their own space to escape to.

Basically I just think people rush into it far far too quickly.

I have a DD and a boyfriend who doesn't live with us -- I've said to him there's no way I would move him in a) under three years and b) without her enthusiastic consent. Why should she have to share space with someone she hasn't chosen?

I think there's a difference between gaining a step family and adding new half siblings into the mix. I think often it's when there's new babies that kids really struggle. It also seems like the earlier in childhood that a divorce/big family change happens the better children recover from it.

It’s not something I would ever want for my own children having experienced it as a child. All my friends raised in blended families didn’t like the experience either.

I agree the adults can have a very different view as they want the relationship whereas the children have no choice.

While I do agree blended families are not always great. I don't get the 'children have no choice'.

Children never have a choice about who they have a relationship with or who they live with.

In my opinion, I think the foundations of a blended family is the child’s parent.
So in my experience, if the father of the stepchildren is hard work, then the blended family will be hard work. And the less enjoyable the role of stepmum becomes. It’s a slippery slope.

The parent can’t expect to just do very little and expect to have this happy successful blended family. It doesn’t work like that.

I really hope my children don’t involved with anyone with children, especially my daughter.

I think they can work but it depends on many many factors.

One thing I’ve noticed about threads here is that the relationship between the adults isn’t great, men not doing any housework, little regard for the DP/DW etc. However the woman’s resentment is fostered into the kids/step situation when actually he is a shit partner and dad.

If we spilt I highly highly doubt I’d blend. I wouldn’t want to risk my DC being badly treated. Plus the threads here make the home sound like an unhealthy battleground most of the time.

I know a chap with two children who moved in with someone who had three. They subsequently married and had another one. One of his children shared a room when she stayed the other had to sleep on the sofa. They never got 'alone time ' with their dad and definitely weren't on an equal footing with the other kids (who they'd been at school with prior to the relationship). They're not bothered about seeing him now and he's really quite surprised about that

I agree at @funinthesun19 though I don’t understand why people stay then have additional DC?

I remember years back a SM proudly stated she didn’t say hello to DC when they arrived because she knew it would be extra work.

It’s punishing the child for the sins of the father.

I agree at @funinthesun19 though I don’t understand why people stay then have additional DC?

I guess it takes a while for the problems to arise. Usually blended family problems don’t really get noticed until a baby is born. I suppose by that point the parent’s downsides are magnified.

It definitely didn't work for me. Two separate families melded together brought issues from the start - each family liked different foods. Even portion sizes were argued about. My ex would serve massive portions (think mansize mounds of mashed potato for a 3 year old) & expect the children to eat it all or no dessert. We couldn't agree on holidays either - his children liked noisy places with lots and lots of activities. Mine preferred quieter places. Days out were hard work. My children love the cinema and visiting the library. His children couldn't sit still or have their attention held long enough to watch a film in the cinema. They'd talk all the way through it. As for libraries, my ex looked at me stupid when I suggested it. Turns out that none of them had ever visited a library in their lives. Again, it was too quiet for them. Me and my children ended up doing things their way time and time again to avoid arguments. One day we were trailing behind them after playing crazy golf at the noisiest, busiest fair ever and I just thought, I've had enough of this. It was like their way or the highway all the time. My children were unhappy, I was unhappy and I knew that this wasn't fair on them. That relationship ended seven years ago. Haven't been in one since and don't intend to. I like it just the three of us. My children are happy and I have quality time with them now. I wouldn't advise a blended family if you can help it. It's very, very stressful.

@Mzombie

And on a practical note we can give them so much more in terms of a bigger house, holidays etc as a couple than either of us could when we were on our own. I have more energy and time for the DC because he is here to lend a hand.

Wow. It's perfectly possible to provide your children with a nice home and holidays etc without a man. How sexist and lame that you believe this is a good reason to be in a relationship!

I grew up with a single mum who never wanted to meet someone else. When I left home and went to uno I really worried about her- I wanted her to be happy and I don’t think she ever was.

Just because you think your mother wasn't happy as a single woman doesn't mean that can be extrapolated to all women. In fact, it's mainly women later in life instigating divorce these days! And evidence suggests that single women are the happiest group of women in society.

I don’t see how it’s sexist- you are assuming that I’m living off him, which is pretty sexist of you! As a single person I could only afford a tiny house with no garden, he had a tiny flat where all three kids shared a bedroom. We sold both places and each put an EQUAL amount into our joint house, which has 4 bedrooms and much more space for all the kids. It’s obviously not the reason we got together, I’m just saying it’s a benefit for the kids.

I’m also not saying you can’t be happy without a relationship. But I don’t think my mum was. She put everything into us kids because we were all she had. She was wonderful and we were very close but it could also be suffocating.

I was on my own with the DC for many years and had a full life and lots of friends (still do!). But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a relationship. Life as a single parent was exhausting. I was often lonely. The DC spent a lot of time in childcare when I did parents evenings etc. If I needed to pick one of them up from Cubs etc the other one had to come too, even if it was late. Now I think life is better for all of us in so many ways. DP is brilliant with the kids, they love him dearly, and we both pull our weight in looking after all the kids- he’ll do drop offs if I can’t, he’ll tidy up while I’m putting the younger ones to bed.

I also have several friends who are staying together ‘for the kids’ even though they are desperately unhappy. I personally think our kids have a much better deal- they live in a happy house with no fighting or atmosphere, their parents are happy, they have plenty of adults and extended family around who love them (step families on both sides)

Like I said, each to their own, but it works for us. Which I believe was the point of the thread.

Or actually is it a case of early red flags being ignored?

I’ve seen blended families work, I was at a bbq a few weeks back blended kids in 40s, but the parents and new partners were happily all about chatting and playing with the collective grand kids - so original ex partner playing with SGC of second ex type situation.

On the other hand I’ve had to stop seeing a friend because I cannot take her hostility and resentment to her SKs - it’s so hard to watch.

Yes I blame dad (who lets their kids be exposed to hostility and he dumps on DF) but I’ve seen a side to my friend of 20+ years that I hate. Plus she doesn’t realise that her kids are becoming brats due to the environment (Dragon is my friend and not yours, I’ve known her longer type stuff).

@ShrikeAttack I actually had to google what a "Blended Family" is and this phrase is new to me.

After hearing the definition this is what I'm in. I can honestly say I'm enjoying it. Ive gain two wonderful step sons and they have gain a half brother, who their adore and help out. My step sons respect me and there father and is supportive of the family unit.

Also surely this covers all types of family - whether they get on or not. My own family growing up had its struggles no different to a blended one.

I'm in a blended family every which way, I have a daughter and my partner has a son from a previous relationship. My parents are divorced and both remarried to people who each have two kids. My partner also only has half siblings from both his parents. So couldn't really get more blended and only good things to report 😀