Blended Families

[ShrikeAttack]

Everything I read about blended families always sounds bad. I honestly have never seen a post on here where blended families work.

I'm nearly 50 and every blended family I've ever been party too, they're not great. They don't work. There's so much anguish and pain.

Why does anyone do it?

Younger women that are considering it, I'd advise them not to.

I guess this post is salutary. If you have a choice, don't.

I’m not single but don’t live with DP as my dc is at home with me.

I think like any family there are ones that work and ones that don’t.

My childhood was miserable because my parents were vile. They were married, had four kids and outwardly (until drugs really took control) an example of loves young dream meeting at school and being together for years. Reality was very different.

Our blended family works, but I firmly believe that’s because DH and I resisted the temptation to bring the kids together too quickly. And because we properly nailed down with each other how we’d bring up the children so there was no sharp changes and no confusions, everything was discussed in advance.
DH was widowed and my ex had decided parenthood wasn’t for him at that point so in some ways we had an easier start as when we first lived together it was everyone’s home and no-one was going elsewhere.
My girls have absolutely benefited from seeing DH be a proper father as they’ve dealt with theirs over the years though.

One of the reasons we work so well though is the wider family. DH’s MIL, despite the fact it must be horrifically hard for her seeing her grandson with me, has been a wonderful support. When, after several years, DS decided he wanted to call me Mum it was actually her who quelled my worries (I can’t stand it when people get/let their kids called their new partner Mum or Dad after 5 minutes) by saying that her DD had absolutely loved being his Mummy and when she was dying her biggest fear was leaving him and she felt her DD would be happy that he now had a Mum who loved him. DH’s parents were amazing, MIL lives with us now and is the closest to a Mum I’ve ever had. Also crucially, my ex’s parents took a stand against his abandonment of the girls and built a relationship with then and got to know DH so we’re supportive of us.

A lot of blended families that I know of who struggle do so because the adults are utterly unrealistic and thing that every single day will be rosy and don’t actually keep checking in with their kids. Life isn’t like that and checking in with your kids is important no matter who they live with.

I’d say blended that truly works is the exception not the rule

I was really quite against my DD getting together with her partner who has 2 kids with his ex wife, I thought she was mad to even consider it.
However, 5 years later they have a 2 year old and have his two kids every weekend and half the holidays, his ex married a man who has full custody of his child and they also have a 2 year old (a week older than my DGS)

It works well ( mostly) but I do think it’s hard on my DD, She never gets a weekend ‘off’, although I suppose as the kids get older it will change from every weekend as they live 50 miles away.

IMO it's about whether all the adults prioritise the dc that makes it work or fail. There have been many occasions where to put it politely we've been extremely unhappy with the actions of dsd's mother, but dsd is the priority for us, not petty point scoring or what is fair or easiest for dp and I as a couple.

I also don't believe our dc are silently hating our blended family. Dd never had her own dad, and dsd was heartbreakingly desperate to have a proper mum again, not to mention they were friends before we were a family and delighted to gain a sister each. To the point that when a friend's parents have split up we've had to reassure them that we aren't planning to, and even if we did we would both still be their parents and they'd still be siblings. However privately dp and I have always said that no matter what we'd stay together at least until they'd both left home.

It's such a tricky set up and it does seem to be so common now without perhaps, thought.
I know of quite a few dc who are torn in loyalties between parents and step parents, and some who live with gp because each parent has gone onto have different families and no one wants them. It's terribly sad.

User, I agree it goes against nature and whilst I'm sure it for some it works, for many it works far better than their parents staying together, often it's just abysmal.
I've also heard dc speak of the trauma of living in two places because its fair but they hate it.

@Panickingpavlova

User, I agree it goes against nature and whilst I'm sure it for some it works, for many it works far better than their parents staying together, often it's just abysmal. I've also heard dc speak of the trauma of living in two places because its fair but they hate it.

It doesn't have to be a case of one or the other. I'm divorced and have no intention of having another relationship.

Plenty of bad parents putting their sex life before their children. Not all of course, but the cognitive dissonance on display is very interesting.

This is just so rude and full of shit. Plenty of people on here are sharing their positive experiences, which so many others are choosing to ignore.

Of course there are challenges, as there are in many families. And sometimes it doesn’t work. But there is the full range of experiences on here, just because you may know a family who it didn’t work for doesn’t mean that those of us saying it works fine for us are wrong.

So much judgement and mummy martyrdom on here. It’s not about “prioritising your sex life” it’s about fulfilling a basic human need and desire to have a partner, which is completely normal. And in the process giving a healthy role model of a good relationship to our children and also showing them that even when relationships break down it is possible to move on, to be civil and even be friends with a former partner, and that maybe their parents are actually human beings and that life, and relationships, are complex but the most important thing is to be kind and honest.

Otherwise what are you teaching your kids? That when they grow up they have ONE shot of a happy relationship but if it doesn’t work they had better be single for the rest of their life?

@Confusedteacher

I get what you are saying and I think you’re right to model the idea that you don’t only get one shot at happiness.

It’s not that having a relationship in itself is intrinsically damaging to children. It’s forcing everyone involved in the dynamic to immediately play happy families which does the damage.

By all means date and have relationships and by all means move on and find love if that’s what you need. But don’t force your children to create a facsimile of the previous family immediately. Don’t make them share their space with children they have barely met within months.

It’s about common sense, empathy and above all time.

Without blended families, I wouldn’t have my three amazing siblings (different dads) who I love. There are a lot of people on this thread dismissing the positive experiences of people in blended families because it doesn’t fit with their opinion. I know a number of people who have been damaged by their parents staying together for their sakes, or who are in unhappy marriages which they believe are better for their children than divorce. But I don’t extrapolate from this that everyone in a happy nuclear family is lying!

It shouldn’t be dreamily called ‘blending’, since it’s never going to be that. Blending implies smooth mixing. It is never done with the benefit of the existing kids at the forefront, it is solely to facilitate the adults desire to be in a relationship.

The kids involved won’t get a benefit in being made to share a house with some strangers kids and all that upheaval, having already had a broken home. For any ‘well my kids loved being made to live with my boyfriends kids!!!!’ tales, there’s actual adults who had to endure this, who can verify the reality that it’s shit. But everyone has to keep being supportive to people who want their boy/girlfriends kids in their own kids home, otherwise you’re bitter and nasty 😆

(My own parents had no business having a kid at all, just save everyone the trauma, ffs.)

I know lots of people who adore their step-fathers and consider them to be their Dad

Blended family works very well in our family (my daughter and our son) unit but unfortunately his daughter who stays with us 40% of the time is very unhappy her parents are not together. They’ve been separated since she was one and I met my husband a year later.

I get on very well with step daughter and her mum but it’s not the same as having your family together so I would have to agree with OP’s original post.

I would never willingly do it again. It’s been a rough ride.

Hmm I think they can work, I’m a single parent and have been single for 5 Years, since 28, so I would like to meet someone one day, I don’t like the suggestion that single parents are only good for causal “FWB” situations as that wouldn’t be for me at all

I will just add to my previous comment. My daughter and husband get on more like good mates. I set very strict boundaries very early on. He is not to parent her but treat her as an individual who is his partners child and deserves respect like anybody else which thankfully is the case.

I also regularly checked in with my daughter to make sure she knew that she had a say in this. I often told her I would be absolutely fine if she wasn’t comfortable living with husband (partner then) and that we would remain a couple just not under the same roof so she didn’t have to worry about upsetting anybody. If we had any issues, we all sat down together and hashed them out. My daughter often says her life is much better with him around. My step daughter is treated the same but I would say I’m a bit more of a parental role model to her than my husband is to my daughter as I met her before she turned 2.

We waited 5 years before we had our first baby together and we discussed it with both girls on many occasions before any decisions were made. They were both really enthusiastic about another baby, even telling us to hurry up and have one and they love him very much (he is hugely spoiled by them).

But again, I know my step daughter really doesn’t like leaving a parent behind (she’s fine once she is at whichever home, just the thought). She often says she wishes we could all live together in one house which is very sad.

I do believe that given the circumstances (relationship breakdowns) both the girls our happier that they’re in a blended family than not.

Are

@GenderApostatemk2

I was really quite against my DD getting together with her partner who has 2 kids with his ex wife, I thought she was mad to even consider it. However, 5 years later they have a 2 year old and have his two kids every weekend and half the holidays, his ex married a man who has full custody of his child and they also have a 2 year old (a week older than my DGS) It works well ( mostly) but I do think it’s hard on my DD, She never gets a weekend ‘off’, although I suppose as the kids get older it will change from every weekend as they live 50 miles away.

Couldn’t your DD’s partner take care of all 3 of his kids at the weekend his “other” 2 are staying so she gets a weekend off?

What makes you think he doesn’t take care of his children?

I meant take care of them on his own so she can get a “weekend off”?

@User1357

I will just add to my previous comment. My daughter and husband get on more like good mates. I set very strict boundaries very early on. He is not to parent her but treat her as an individual who is his partners child and deserves respect like anybody else which thankfully is the case.

I also regularly checked in with my daughter to make sure she knew that she had a say in this. I often told her I would be absolutely fine if she wasn’t comfortable living with husband (partner then) and that we would remain a couple just not under the same roof so she didn’t have to worry about upsetting anybody. If we had any issues, we all sat down together and hashed them out. My daughter often says her life is much better with him around. My step daughter is treated the same but I would say I’m a bit more of a parental role model to her than my husband is to my daughter as I met her before she turned 2.

We waited 5 years before we had our first baby together and we discussed it with both girls on many occasions before any decisions were made. They were both really enthusiastic about another baby, even telling us to hurry up and have one and they love him very much (he is hugely spoiled by them).

But again, I know my step daughter really doesn’t like leaving a parent behind (she’s fine once she is at whichever home, just the thought). She often says she wishes we could all live together in one house which is very sad.

I do believe that given the circumstances (relationship breakdowns) both the girls our happier that they’re in a blended family than not.

5 years from when, 5 years after you got married? 5 years from when you met would be bonkers. She shouldn't even be meeting you until maybe 2 years in if everything was going perfectly with no issues. At 5 years in she should be asked if she wants to spend more time with you or not. To be having another baby that will be her sibling at that point is insane, especially given her age! You shouldn't even think of living together at that point let alone putting your child in that position.

Honestly, I despair. These decisions are not made with the interests of the children in mind, no matter what anyone says.

Yes sometimes it happens to work out ok for them. But most people doing this are happy to just gamble with that, they are putting themselves above their children and they should own that. They are taking huge risks with their children's long-term mental health and happiness for their own benefit. If you're going to do it, at least do it with your eyes open and read the studies (we all have google) and own the decision to put your wellbeing over that of your children. Yeah it could be fine. But mostly it won't be. Why would you do that when you can just date someone and live separately until they grow up and no disrupt your kids' home again? I really do not understand:

@PolkadotSkies

I would actually say I completely agree with you.

It did happen to work out for us but I have a family member and friend who are in blended families and their children are really unhappy but both had subsequent children with new partner within a year.

I met his daughter and he mine after 6 months, it was just days out and things as friends as such. We moved in after 2 years and then had a baby 5 years after moving in.

I don’t tend to really talk about my true feelings regarding step families because it would be hugely hypocritical of me but I completely agree with your comment. I think adding a live in partner to the mix is purely based on the parents needs and not what is best for the children. It really is just a fluke that our situation worked out and I don’t think it is the norm. I would never and I wholeheartedly mean this, enter into a full relationship with another man whilst I had children. It’s very unlikely that my husband and I will split anytime soon but you never know.

I often feel quite a lot of guilt towards his daughter as well. Her mum split with my husband but has since admitted that she had some very toxic behaviours due to her upbringing which she has now sorted with therapy and I often think that if my husband didn’t meet me, they may have got back together. My husband says absolutely not and that although he wouldn’t have left her, they were absolutely not right for each other but they had a baby after a year together so give it a shot.

I feel I have now lived both sides of the coin and my option would be if you are unhappy in your relationship, try as hard as you can to fix it but if you do leave, leave with your children and not with the hope of a new relationship. I often see posts on here about how women are with a good man but bored and would like to meet somebody else because life is too short, I always think nooooooo.

*Gave..
Should proof read before!

[quote User1357]@PolkadotSkies

I would actually say I completely agree with you.

It did happen to work out for us but I have a family member and friend who are in blended families and their children are really unhappy but both had subsequent children with new partner within a year.

I met his daughter and he mine after 6 months, it was just days out and things as friends as such. We moved in after 2 years and then had a baby 5 years after moving in.

I don’t tend to really talk about my true feelings regarding step families because it would be hugely hypocritical of me but I completely agree with your comment. I think adding a live in partner to the mix is purely based on the parents needs and not what is best for the children. It really is just a fluke that our situation worked out and I don’t think it is the norm. I would never and I wholeheartedly mean this, enter into a full relationship with another man whilst I had children. It’s very unlikely that my husband and I will split anytime soon but you never know.

I often feel quite a lot of guilt towards his daughter as well. Her mum split with my husband but has since admitted that she had some very toxic behaviours due to her upbringing which she has now sorted with therapy and I often think that if my husband didn’t meet me, they may have got back together. My husband says absolutely not and that although he wouldn’t have left her, they were absolutely not right for each other but they had a baby after a year together so give it a shot.

I feel I have now lived both sides of the coin and my option would be if you are unhappy in your relationship, try as hard as you can to fix it but if you do leave, leave with your children and not with the hope of a new relationship. I often see posts on here about how women are with a good man but bored and would like to meet somebody else because life is too short, I always think nooooooo.[/quote]
Absolutely. It sounds like you were very lucky as you say and that's wonderful! It's so good on threads like this to hear some of the positive stories.

But yes, the risks and potential damage to kids in most cases are just unacceptable. I'd never, ever move a man into my children's home. It's just not wirth risking and there's no reason it has to happen at all - perfectly possible to date without cohabiting and keep the kids out of it, give them some stability after a family breakup.

I'd not take that risk when it isn't just me, it's their security, their mental health, their childhood experiences I'd be gambling. And tbh I am very happy having my own house and space and can't see why I'd possibly want to live with a man again anyway! All the good stuff comes from not living together: missing each other, passion, stuff to discuss etc. If you live together I think it's much harder not to let a relationship descend into tasks and house and kids stuff and drudgery and moaning about work etc etc. All the crap parts!

I totally agree with you about this "oh end your marriage and go and find someone else!" thing. When you have kids that's insane advice. Where do their needs feature in that? And people often set it up as "oh but it's better for the kids because we were unhappy together". Okaaaayyy... nobody is suggesting you stay in an unhappy marriage/ relationship! But you've had kids so you've made a lifelong commitment to put them first (otherwise you should not have had any) so staying in a bad relationship or foisting another relationship on them in their home are not the only options obviously! You can just remove them from the toxic relationship, co-parent properly with your ex and keep any new romantic relationships separate, which in the vast majority of cases is better for the children and not a problem for parents. We don't need to move in with people we are having relationships with while kids are growing up or drag them into that at all. Aaargh!

Thanks so much for what you said: it was very honest and insightful, and interesting for me to hear that point of view even from someone who it works out well for.